Relationship with single mother-yes or no

Glenster

Sarah** wrote: »

Hang on a second she told him she couldnt have the abortion and that is when she rang home....

Clearly you misread my post.

I did miss that bit. Apologies.

Sarah** wrote: »

should her son be led to think that "Karla" didnt try to keep him in the childs life by emails and calling then she will show the email to him saying basically i told her to have an abortion and get rid.

That is the most heartless thing I have ever heard in my life, that literally made my blood run cold. Anyone who has that kind of contingency plan in place should be evaluated mentally.

Sarah** wrote: »

We all didnt get involved. The girls who were travelling who were mates with him were in contact with him trying to let him know he has a son and such.

That's getting involved.

Sarah**

Well anyway I love her and hope that someday some man will take on her son as he is the most adorable child.

And yes he is the most hurtfull and heartless man but then who am i to say that he shouldnt of had a right to say yes or no to having a child. All i know is that i hope that there are men out there who dont mind taking on another mans child.

In this particular case there will be a time when "Conor" asks about his dad and "Karla" will have to explain. I just hope that she doesnt meet a man who has posted here saying he wouldnt take on a single mother.

Darksaga87

I met my GF 3 years ago, We were seeing each other for about 2 weeks and I was mad into her. We both knew it was worth while seeing each other. Anyway, we went for a drink on say, the third week, and she told me she had a 5 year old daughter.

Ill be honest, I looked for the exit. After a couple of days I met her daughter and we had a good laugh.

After a few months the kid started getting jealous of me and acting out. To me, that was another time to make an exit, but I stuck it out...


Febuary was our 3 third year together and we are moving into our second house.
The kid is now 8 and refers to me as Dad to her friends ( but not to me as that would be wierd)
We get along great and the Bio father is no where to be seen, thank god.

I will still find myself thinking, what if I had walked out? What would be differant?
But I can honestly say, I prob wouldnt be as happy as I am now....

CDfm

metrovelvet wrote: »

Everyone has their preferences. Just like I wouldnt choose a fat guy or a guy who liked to spend too much time in the pub.

Thats your choice, you would not find it emotionally satisfying and some people wouldnt find a relationship with a single Mum emotionally satisfying especially if she cant give to the relatioinship what the other person needs.

Sarah** wrote: »

We all didnt get involved. The girls who were travelling who were mates with him were in contact with him trying to let him know he has a son and such. He replied saying i thought you guys would of have some sort of ability to talk her out of ruining my life.

Its a hard call. Now no-one knows what happened in the relationship and he may have felt that he was trapped into parenthood. I am not saying that was the case here but maybe he didnt see your friend as life partner material with or without the baby.

partyguinness

There are a lot of immature guys here saying "no way" and when I was in my early 20s I would have said the same.

But as you get older and into your 30s, 99% of women (and guys) have "baggage" be it children, messed up from previous relationships, divorced, separations etc etc. You accept them.

Herbal Deity

partyguinness wrote: »

There are a lot of immature guys here saying "no way" and when I was in my early 20s I would have said the same.

But as you get older and into your 30s, 99% of women (and guys) have "baggage" be it children, messed up from previous relationships, divorced, separations etc etc. You accept them.

I love being young.

Motley Crue

timetogetfit wrote: »

I was wondering if most guys here when looking for a new relationship consider it a big no no with regards to single mothers?

I don't think I could do it, but then, that might change based on the person

CDfm

I just wonder where the single mum prejudice comes from. Nowdays sex before marriage is normal and kids can be the result.

Its a bit prudish really, as in other generations you had no such prejudice. I have found a great grandfather who was married 3 times and on the other side twice. Its a bit like of a "sloppy seconds"argument.

If you look at it given the numbers of women with children and the numbers of divorces its inevitable that some guys will get together with them.

This thread did get me thinking and some of the Mums I know are great smart and funny. My advice guys is not to be so choosy.People werent made to be alone.

Greyfox

CDfm wrote: »

I just wonder where the single mum prejudice comes from.

It may seem unfair but the simple fact is a single mother means definite baggage, and a kids needs will always come befor your relationship with (which is understandable) and for some people it's just not worth the hassle

metrovelvet

Greyfox wrote: »

It may seem unfair but the simple fact is a single mother means definite baggage, and a kids needs will always come befor your relationship with (which is understandable) and for some people it's just not worth the hassle

That's it there. If the person is worth it to you, the hassle will be too.

CDfm

metrovelvet wrote: »

That's it there. If the person is worth it to you, the hassle will be too.

And thats the thing. The person(the mother) must want a relationship too.

Some of the guys posting here have said the situation has worked when the Dad is not on the scene.

Coincidentally, the exchange between Sarah**and Glenster means that "Karla" the friend has a better chance of a relationship without the Dad on the scene.

In my relationship my partner is not a pretend happy family parent but would be more "auntlike".

So I reckon that the attitude of the parent in this is fairly important to a new relationship.

Khannie

On the competition thing that people raised...I will say that I found it a bit weird (and not terribly easy to deal with) knowing that you were in second place from the offset. In all relationships prior to that where you have that super-mega time at the start you're the apple in your partners eye. It's slightly different when there's a child involved but only slightly.

I got over it. It was an adjustment though. That's all.

I think considering dating a single mother is like anything else. There are a bunch of things you consider before entering into a relationship. Is the person too cranky, too needy, too big, too small, wrong hair, wrong shoes, likes chick flicks too much, doesn't like star trek enough (:D), etc. etc. There's somebody out there for everybody.

edit: I see CDFM's post there.....I should add that the dad was not on the scene and that made things a whole heap easier I'm sure.

Malari

CDfm wrote: »

I just wonder where the single mum prejudice comes from. Nowdays sex before marriage is normal and kids can be the result.

Its a bit prudish really, as in other generations you had no such prejudice. I have found a great grandfather who was married 3 times and on the other side twice. Its a bit like of a "sloppy seconds"argument.

I don't think you can say it's prudish - people are not objecting to single parents because they have had sex before marriage surely, it's because they don't want to have a child in their lives, or don't want the hassle. That's their perogative. There are many issues that could cause problems that they don't want to get into.

It's only prudish if your disapprove of everyone who is a single parent, not just a potential partner.

CDfm

Malari wrote: »

It's only prudish if your disapprove of everyone who is a single parent, not just a potential partner.

I am not great with my choice of words sometimes.

Some guys excel with the stability homelife brings and I have seen it and a single parent may bring a different dynamic or qualities into a relationship than just a child.

I wonder what G g g Grandfather Benjamin would say.

sam34

partyguinness wrote: »

There are a lot of immature guys here saying "no way" and when I was in my early 20s I would have said the same.

But as you get older and into your 30s, 99% of women (and guys) have "baggage" be it children, messed up from previous relationships, divorced, separations etc etc. You accept them.

i dont think you can necessarily label them as immature, just for not wanting to take on someone elses kid(s)

i am in my thirties, female, and i know i do not ever want to have children

thats my perogative, my choice

therefore, i would never consider a relationship with a single dad, as i simply do not want kids in my life

knowing what you want, and sticking to your guns, is not indicative of immaturity

and, imo, theres a huge difference between baggage such as a previous bad relationship, and baggage such as kids.

kids are forever, constant presences, affect everything - time, money, attitudes

a bad relationship- meh, you learn from it, move on and grow, get into a better position next time

in 20 years time, the memories will be distant

in 20 years time, the kids will still be there

sam34

CDfm wrote: »

I just wonder where the single mum prejudice comes from. Nowdays sex before marriage is normal and kids can be the result.

Its a bit prudish really.

i couldnt care less whether a potential partner has slept with 1 or 100 people, and whether this was marital or premarital, i really couldnt give a damn

but i do give a damn if someone has a kid, a dependant, someone who will be a constant presence in his life, and who will have to be considered in every big decision he makes, and many of teh smaller ones too, someone who will be a lifelong responsibility and stress - yep, i'd think twice about a man with such baggage

Darksaga87

It takes away alot of the hassle if the father is not around.

Especially when they are usless...

DJ_U4EA

CDfm wrote: »

I have a partner and I have kids but my kids are my problem -not saying that we dont have co-existence but i have to make my relationship a priority too.

You cant possibly expect someone else to have the same interest in your child as you.

So why would someone be interested in a partner who doesnt prioritize or value them???

Nail on the head there. If I'm in a relationship I will most likely give a lot of attention on that person and would hope that it will be returned likewise. When there is some other guys child involved, that element of the relationship is dead in the water before it even begins. What man is going to date someone who will be unavailable for dinner dates or just even a drink in the pub because they've got spawn at home to look after?

CDfm

sam34 wrote: »

i dont think you can necessarily label them as immature, just for not wanting to take on someone elses kid(s)

i am in my thirties, female, and i know i do not ever want to have children

thats my perogative, my choice


kids are forever, constant presences, affect everything - time, money, attitudes

a bad relationship- meh, you learn from it, move on and grow, get into a better position next time

in 20 years time, the kids will still be there

sam34 wrote: »

i couldnt care less whether a potential partner has slept with 1 or 100 people, and whether this was marital or premarital, i really couldnt give a damn

but i do give a damn if someone has a kid, a dependant, someone who will be a constant presence in his life, and who will have to be considered in every big decision he makes, and many of teh smaller ones too, someone who will be a lifelong responsibility and stress - yep, i'd think twice about a man with such baggage

Great to see a woman posting honestly saying that kids are not what she wants out of life.

They do impact on your lifestyle in lots of ways.

humberklog

Darksaga87 wrote: »

It takes away alot of the hassle if the father is not around.

Especially when they are usless...

Coming at that from a different viewpoint (and one of experience in the matter), I'd be far more comfortable if the father was a presence in the childs life as it shows the mother to be well capable of maintaining healthy relationships for a greater good.
Now cool the jets and put away the guns of righteous indignation, I'm aware that some break-ups can be messy and by nature will have been uncomfortable at some point in the disintegration. But a lot of relationships just come apart and can often leave a kid in the ruins. If at all possible (and if the ex wasn't a complete idiot) an effort should be made to maintain healthy contact between the mother, the kid, the father and the father, the kid and mother.
Although some may perceive this as being a hindering ocassional presence I'd really be much more inclined to see the positives in it: a healthy, rational thinking person capable of reaching for a greater good if even that connection, for them, is personally uncomfortable.

I'm a single Da with a great relationship with my daughter's mother. No courts, no access issues, no hassles and now my daughter has a sister born into a very healthy relationship consisting of a mother, a big sister and a wonderful father, who previous to dating my ex said he'd never go out with a girl with a kid.
You never know what love brings. You can guess; but your probably going to be wrong.

enda1

RacoonQueen wrote: »

If you had kids would you like it if women didn't go out with you because you had kids?

You can replace the word kids with any number of words such as ugly, weight, long-term illness etc.

Just cause you don't like it doesn't mean its not going to happen and is not justified.

metrovelvet

sam34 wrote: »

i couldnt care less whether a potential partner has slept with 1 or 100 people, and whether this was marital or premarital, i really couldnt give a damn

but i do give a damn if someone has a kid, a dependant, someone who will be a constant presence in his life, and who will have to be considered in every big decision he makes, and many of teh smaller ones too, someone who will be a lifelong responsibility and stress - yep, i'd think twice about a man with such baggage

Out of curiosity, what if the child wasnt in the father's life by the father's choice? So none of those things you mention were a factor. Would you date someone who didnt claim their baggage and left it on the belt?

G-Money

This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion, but I'd rather not date/have a relationship with a woman who already has children. I'm not going to say I'd never ever do it. But I'm on and have been on internet dating sites and once I see that a woman has a child, I won't get in touch with her.

I know that sounds harsh but to be honest, I don't really want to have to raise someone else's child. I have a feeling that no matter how hard I try, I'd never shake the feeling that the child isn't mine and therefore isn't my responsibility. I'd also wonder if me and the woman had our own family, would I really be able to love her child as much as my own. And I'll be honest, I'm not sure I could. And I don't think that's fair on the child to be honest either.

Having said that, if I met some amazing girl and it was just meant to be, it might be a different story. But as a rule, I tend to avoid single mothers. There's nothing at all wrong with them. I just don't like the idea of going into a relationship when there's a child already on the scene, and it's someone elses. It's brings extra baggage and constant reminder of her ex.

sam34

metrovelvet wrote: »

Out of curiosity, what if the child wasnt in the father's life by the father's choice? So none of those things you mention were a factor. Would you date someone who didnt claim their baggage and left it on the belt?

no, definitely not. i wouldnt think very much of a man (woman) who didnt face up to his (her) responsibilities.

so it'll be a childless man for me!

Handsome Bob

I would describe it as deeply complicated, and something that you would have to take at a case by case basis. I've seen a few kids grow up in single parent families and how they react to their parent bringing new people into their lives vary.

One kid I know has had quite a few father figures come and go in her life, that's not good for a child, especially if there is one specific person in their life for a few years and all of a sudden he's no longer there. If I was going to be with a single parent I would want to keep the child at arm's length for as long as possible for their own sake. I'd really have to be sure that I felt very strongly about the woman as well.

Another kid I know (a good bit older than the one already mentioned) was absolutely hell to deal with for his father, he would give any new women he brought into his life a horrific time. That kind of baggage I would not need, where the child is constantly causing strife and quite clearly hates me.

So, I definitely wouldn't rule out a relationship with a single mother, but it should be something you take very seriously. If you're expecting a Hollywood ending where you play happy families after only knowing the kid for about two hours then I'd say you're in a for a rude awakening.

FracturedBeat

timetogetfit wrote: »

I was wondering if most guys here when looking for a new relationship consider it a big no no with regards to single mothers?

No way, as i never want kids.

It's that simple.

manjosh

Actually for a start non of your friend or even family may approve this in the beginning and mostly later on still.
But sometime the single mothers make great girlfriends. Though their attention is usually divided and it always the kids over you and you will always be the second thing to her.
If you really think shes "great" i believe that is enough silly thing to convince you.

s15r330

manjosh wrote: »

Actually for a start non of your friend or even family may approve this in the beginning and mostly later on still.
But sometime the single mothers make great girlfriends. Though their attention is usually divided and it always the kids over you and you will always be the second thing to her.
If you really think shes "great" i believe that is enough silly thing to convince you.

Holy thread resurrection Batman!

s15r330

s15r330 wrote: »

Holy thread resurrection Batman!

The kid's probably working by now.

s15r330

[Deleted User] wrote: »

The kid's probably working by now.

Living in their own place

Wibbs

Manjosh, for god's sake please can we have no more multiple instances of resurrecting long dead threads. Closed.