Can't accept being gay

Cabbage Brained

guest2 wrote: »

I would always be thought firstly as gay, not by my personality. If I found out one of my close friends were gay, I certainly wouldn't think of him in the same way. I would more than likely act differently around them. Be more cautious - I know that sounds silly, but you'd always be watching what you say and stuff.

This is one of the most common misperceptions that closeted gay people have about other peoples' attitudes towards gays. You would be awkward in a situation like that because you're in the closet and you feel that it would threaten you. 95% of straight people who are comfortable with their sexuality won't feel awkward in situations like that though. Maybe ever so slightly at first, especially if they don't know any other gay people, but they'll very quickly realise that you're just the same person that you always were and everything will go back to normal before you can blink. Trust me, I've been there. You'll be fine.

briankirby

Cabbage Brained wrote: »

This is one of the most common misperceptions that closeted gay people have about other peoples' attitudes towards gays. You would be awkward in a situation like that because you're in the closet and you feel that it would threaten you. 95% of straight people who are comfortable with their sexuality won't feel awkward in situations like that though. Maybe ever so slightly at first, especially if they don't know any other gay people, but they'll very quickly realise that you're just the same person that you always were and everything will go back to normal before you can blink. Trust me, I've been there. You'll be fine.

This is true.Just tell people who are close to you and if they really are your friends then they will stick by you.Being gay isnt what it used to be.In days gone by,it was considered a sin by devout catholic ireland but now its nowhere near as much of a shock.

eaglach

Well I guess you can't really say how straight guys really react to a friend who they thought was straight coming out to them unless they truthfully tell you.

Won't get it on this forum though as I doubt many straight guys come on here!

Tricity Bendix

eaglach wrote: »

Well I guess you can't really say how straight guys really react to a friend who they thought was straight coming out to them unless they truthfully tell you.

Won't get it on this forum though as I doubt many straight guys come on here!

Maybe there are, maybe there aren't. But there are definately dozens of people who have first hand experience of coming out to friends.

feever

Hi, never normally visit this site but this caught my eye.
I can empathise so much. I reckon I knew I was gay from about 12. I didnt admit it to my self till about 33. Went with a bunch of mates to Manchester for the football, got very drunk and blurted it out. not that Id recommend this method for everyone but it worked for me. A bunch of drunk football ans continued eating their Chinese and were only insulted because I didnt fancy them.
I had to tell my family then which was frightning but couldnt have gone better,
and am in a tennis club (not the la di da type) where I change with the other guys and no one minds. All my mates have offered to go in to gay bars etc with me. And some have but I not really into that.

Anyway the reason I posting this is to say that the only person who was ever bothered that I was gay was me. I wish I'd come out 20 years ago. Of course it mighnt be the same for everyone but I think most people dont care.
in relation to the counselling - defo. I was messed up and felt less than human, cried a lot. I went to counselling and it was tough but very worth it. Id recommend it to anyone.
Anyway good luck and dont worry too much. pick a friend first and tell them.
I think you be surprised how well it turns out.

confused_dotcom

Wow. This thread is hard reading. Hard because the truth hurts for me at the minute and I am in exactly in the same position as the OP.
Im 31 now. I have had plenty of girlfriends over the years but in the past few years I have noticed that something is different.

One night out a few years ago, people who werent in our group, started saying I was gay. I couldnt believe it and couldnt understand it.
They apologised a few days later and blamed the drink. Questions were raised in my head, I was 27 at this stage.
A few months later I was talking to a few lads about football in a bar. They turned around and one said "what would he know hes gay".

Again my heart sank. I didnt think I was gay, I didnt want to be gay. What was it? DId I look gay, did I talk gay? Sorry but thats what I was thinking.

Every day since then Ive been asking myself if i was or wasnt.
Every day since then Ive never answered the question.
Maybe Im bi?




Ive now moved away to the back of the beyond, living on my own in a world of doubt and questions.
Ive overheard workmates and family asking "is he gay" when they think im out of earshot.
My cousin is gay. He has come out to family and noone has a problem with it.
Ive overheard my uncle saying "John (gay cousin) thinks Jim (me) is gay"


If everyone else thinks it then I must be? I want to have a wife and kids and all the **** that goes with it but I cant see it happening.
I cant see myself getting close to anyone.


You will say get a grip and accept it. I cant.

The thing is I dont have a personality. If I had a personality people would enjoy my company and wouldnt matter what I was.
Im now a paranoid, loner who has left his friends and family.



Thanks for reading.

Cabbage Brained

confused_dotcom wrote: »

Wow. This thread is hard reading. Hard because the truth hurts for me at the minute and I am in exactly in the same position as the OP.
Im 31 now. I have had plenty of girlfriends over the years but in the past few years I have noticed that something is different.

One night out a few years ago, people who werent in our group, started saying I was gay. I couldnt believe it and couldnt understand it.
They apologised a few days later and blamed the drink. Questions were raised in my head, I was 27 at this stage.
A few months later I was talking to a few lads about football in a bar. They turned around and one said "what would he know hes gay".

Again my heart sank. I didnt think I was gay, I didnt want to be gay. What was it? DId I look gay, did I talk gay? Sorry but thats what I was thinking.

Every day since then Ive been asking myself if i was or wasnt.
Every day since then Ive never answered the question.
Maybe Im bi?




Ive now moved away to the back of the beyond, living on my own in a world of doubt and questions.
Ive overheard workmates and family asking "is he gay" when they think im out of earshot.
My cousin is gay. He has come out to family and noone has a problem with it.
Ive overheard my uncle saying "John (gay cousin) thinks Jim (me) is gay"


If everyone else thinks it then I must be? I want to have a wife and kids and all the **** that goes with it but I cant see it happening.
I cant see myself getting close to anyone.


You will say get a grip and accept it. I cant.

The thing is I dont have a personality. If I had a personality people would enjoy my company and wouldnt matter what I was.
Im now a paranoid, loner who has left his friends and family.



Thanks for reading.

It doesn't matter what other people think.
Do you fantasize about having sex with men? If yes, then you're probably gay. If not, then you're probably not. What other people think is really irrelevant, you have to live your own life.

LeeRoyX

It's always easy to say 'live your life' or 'dont listen to what other people think' but actually it isn't easy at all. I was very dependent on my relatives and friends opinion and it's bad in some way cause i had no kindred spirit to share my grief, feelings and trials with. I suffered so much that some day it would either kill or save me. And i decided to confess my parents who i am. There was much talking and crying but at last i felt a great weight off my mind. At last i felt free and... happy! I learnt how to live on and i dont regret about that. The only thing i regret i didn't do that earlier. But now i can say you should try to change your life for better. And believe me you can do that if i've done. Thanks u understand me

Heebie

guest2 wrote: »

I am a guy in his early twenties and in college. I am finding it very difficult accepting the fact that I am gay. Even saying that makes me cringe.

It is a difficult thing to accept. So difficult that a lot of young people in similar situations to yours choose to hide it, ignore it, run away from it with drugs & alcohol, and an unfortunately large number of gay youths attempt or succeed at committing suicide while trying to deal with what you're dealing with. It's not something that can be belittled.. it's DIFFICULT.
But.. things that are worth doing usually are.

guest2 wrote: »

I have never been with a guy and by the looks of things, never will.

This is going to sound like an old man talking to a young man.. but you're far too young to be assuming you'll never do anything at all.. at your age you honestly don't know who you are yet.. and won't for some time to come short of a miracle. You're still in that part of life where you've just begun to really look at who you are, what you are, what you want, and where you want to go... I'm still working on those bits.. and I'm in my 40's. Advice here: don't rush things.. you don't need to have everything that you want right this minute.. you've got plenty of time to get to know yourself, and to learn how to be who you really are.

guest2 wrote: »

For the past number of years I have been on gay porn sites, or sites like gaydar looking to chat with a guy in the hope to meet up. But everytime I come close, I just pull out and do nothing about it.

You & LOTS of others... plenty of them whom I've NOT met after chatting with them for ages online.

guest2 wrote: »

I am very reluctant to embrace "gay life". I don't like anything about it. I want to go to a club with my mates and dance with some girls, and have a laugh with my friends about women, but I can't. Everytime they talk about women I have to play along and pretend I feel the same way. I don't know if I can put up with this charade anymore.

You shouldn't even consider embracing "gay life".. you should embrace YOUR life... if that doesn't mean getting into the "gay scene" then so be it. I'm not much for clubbing etc.. it's just not me.
I would, however, never be able to again pretend that I was interested in women... ick... maybe you should practice ways to change the topic.. or just ask them what they want at the bar & go buy a round when such a conversation comes up... you could try learning to use gender-neutral pronouns more often.. and while they're talking about girls.. look at the hottest guy in the place & say something like "Yeah.. they're grand!" while thinking about whatever bits he has that turn you on.

guest2 wrote: »

I can't imagine telling any of my friends or my family. I can't even tell myself.

Not true.. you HAVE told yourself.. and that was probably one of the hardest things you've ever done.. and probably one of the hardest things you will ever do. You're on the path you need to follow.. the one that leads to YOU.. you've just begun taking baby steps and are learning to walk.. you'll be able to sprint somewhere down the road.

guest2 wrote: »

Everyday I go into college and see good looking guys, some of them my friends, and knowing that nothing will happen between us. It tears me up inside.

When I was young I prayed everyday for God to help me, I looked up things about hypnosis or any method of becoming straight. Stupid, I know, but I can't help but feel that if I wasn't gay my life would be so much easier.

People will tell me to "accept who you are". But it doesn't feel right. I feel like I should be a straight man.

What you're probably really feeling there is anger and betrayal.. you probably feel like all your hopes & dreamed have been torn away from you. You probably feel betrayed by God. "How could he make me this way" or "why didn't he fix me when I asked." I know I did when I first started dealing with my sexuality.
I'd had dreams of being a dad from the time I was about 7 years old.. I'm now 42 and have no kids. I still sometimes feel a very deep sense of loss, and anger, in relation to the fact that I'm not likely to have any kids, nor to pass on my genes. I have a lot of traits worth passing on.

You're living in a world where you might very well be able to have that dream if it's one you share. You might be able to fall in love & get married and such.. just to another guy instead of to a girl. There are still a lot of possibilities ahead of you. (I suppose some of them are there for me too if I ever meet anyone I'd want to settle down with.)

guest2 wrote: »

I don't know what I expect to achieve from writing this. I guess I just need to express how I'm feeling. I know I can't change who I am, and I certainly can't accept myself.

Hopefully what you expected to acheive was to get it off your chest.

I know, for me, until I looked directly into my own eyes (in a mirror) and said out loud, "Todd. You're gay and you have to learn to deal with it.".. the whole "being gay" thing didnt' seem real. Maybe board.ie is your mirror.

I moved here to Ireland a bit over 4 years ago now.. and this is now the very first place I have ever mentioned my sexuality in a statement someplace not entirely gay-specific. (i.e. gaydar etc..).. so I guess this is kind of a "coming out" for me... it's entirely possible that people I work with might read it.

I hope what I've said is helpful to you (and anyone else in a similar circumstance) in some way!

Exile 1798

eaglach wrote: »

Well I guess you can't really say how straight guys really react to a friend who they thought was straight coming out to them unless they truthfully tell you.

Won't get it on this forum though as I doubt many straight guys come on here!

I'm a straight guy and this is my first time reading this forum. I had no intention of posting anything until I read this.

One of my best friends came out to me when we were 22. We had known each other since we were 7. I had absolutely no idea he was gay, so much so that I thought he was pulling my leg at first.

After I accepted that he was serious, it was done. I don't think of him any differently then I did before. After all before he came out I didn't think of him as my heterosexual mate, just as my mate. That's still the same, when I think of him I think of him as one of my best mates, not as one of my gay mates.

For me and our friendship nothing changed for the worst. In fact for me and our mutual friends - and I've spoken to them, almost nothing changed at all. For him it changed very much for the better, as he knows he's accepted by his mates.

We have the same jokes and conversations as before. Obviously we also have new conversations and new jokes as well. We do the same things.

I can't speak for other straight guys and how they would react, but that's me and my straight friends and that's how we reacted.

AnBealBocht

eaglach wrote: »

Well I guess you can't really say how straight guys really react to a friend who they thought was straight coming out to them unless they truthfully tell you.

Won't get it on this forum though as I doubt many straight guys come on here!

Yes, perhaps just a few straight-curious might log on to this thread, but if so, they will, I think, be suitably impressed by the mature, fair & balanced discussions.

I wish that more maturer men ( not just stars of stage, screen & radio) came out of their closets. Men who are respected & honoured in their communities--such as writers, professors, doctors, attorneys, etc.--and speak in an articulate manner regarding their journey to contentedness despite their being gay.
I strongly feel that these maturer guys owe it to the younger, closeted next generation to articulate clearly & loudly that it is possible to be gay, successful & happy/contended in a world dominated by straights ( for now! :-)

Beruthiel

confused_dotcom wrote: »

Im now a paranoid, loner who has left his friends and family.

Life is short and it's time you gave yourself the love and care you deserve.
Find a professional who will help you talk through this. Who will give you the help you need in finding out who and what you are.
Do it this week, only you can truly help yourself in this, do what it takes to get there. Don't you think you deserve that much?

mcbobbyb

Once your out of college youll have all the time in the world to go and find someone

zoom!

Hey I know its hard but I have a cousin who is in the same situation as you. He goes to the george every saturday night and hes afraid to tell his friends and family. I tell him that we'll still love him for it but he won't come out. He isn't happy with himself and I doubt you are too. You should think about talking to somebody. Maybe other gay men have had similiar situations and can give you some advice

Penitent man

guest2 wrote: »

I am a guy in his early twenties and in college. I am finding it very difficult accepting the fact that I am gay. Even saying that makes me cringe.

I have never been with a guy and by the looks of things, never will.

For the past number of years I have been on gay porn sites, or sites like gaydar looking to chat with a guy in the hope to meet up. But everytime I come close, I just pull out and do nothing about it.

I am very reluctant to embrace "gay life". I don't like anything about it. I want to go to a club with my mates and dance with some girls, and have a laugh with my friends about women, but I can't. Everytime they talk about women I have to play along and pretend I feel the same way. I don't know if I can put up with this charade anymore.

I can't imagine telling any of my friends or my family. I can't even tell myself.

Everyday I go into college and see good looking guys, some of them my friends, and knowing that nothing will happen between us. It tears me up inside.

When I was young I prayed everyday for God to help me, I looked up things about hypnosis or any method of becoming straight. Stupid, I know, but I can't help but feel that if I wasn't gay my life would be so much easier.

People will tell me to "accept who you are". But it doesn't feel right. I feel like I should be a straight man.

I don't know what I expect to achieve from writing this. I guess I just need to express how I'm feeling. I know I can't change who I am, and I certainly can't accept myself.

Unfortunately, I'm in the same boat as you. 28 years old and still haven't faced up to it. Not sure if I ever will. I've known since the early days of secondary school. All my friends are straight and I would give anything to not feel like this. Christ..i can't even say it.

I'm sure my friends and family would be o.k with it, eventually, but it's me where the problem lies. I'm not sure i can accept it.

Like the op I'm not sure what i'm trying to achieve by writing here. There is comfort though in reading other posts and knowing i'm not the only one

Heebie

You don't need to accept a particular lifestyle. You need to accept that it's part of whom you are, THEN figure out how to live your life around that fact. Just because you're gay doesn't mean that you have to start going to gay bars & performing as a drag queen or anything like that... it just means that you are sexually attracted to members of the same sex.
If you CHOOSE to, you can lead a "straight" lifestyle, or be celibate.

One thing for you to think about, however, is that finding true happiness in certain aspects of your life, will be a lot less likely if you choose to suppress that part of yourself, and you'll always feel like you're lying to the people you care about.

It comes down to this: You're gay/bi.. but nothing limits you to living any particular lifestyle. Don't worry about being "gay".. worry about being YOU. You will find a way you can live your life... and hopefully you won't make yourself miserable by making choices that just don't work for you.

Penitent man wrote: »

Unfortunately, I'm in the same boat as you. 28 years old and still haven't faced up to it. Not sure if I ever will. I've known since the early days of secondary school. All my friends are straight and I would give anything to not feel like this. Christ..i can't even say it.

I'm sure my friends and family would be o.k with it, eventually, but it's me where the problem lies. I'm not sure i can accept it.

Like the op I'm not sure what i'm trying to achieve by writing here. There is comfort though in reading other posts and knowing i'm not the only one

bodice ripper

I am a girl, I have a girl friend, I am bi.

Her indoors kills the spiders, I will wear a dress at my wedding, i wear my hair long, I like it when somone holds the door for me, I go red when someone tells me they like my clothes, I like to shop, I like to make faces at small children, I like to dress my cat is amusing clothes, I listen to jewel and fiona apple, I cry my self silly in various films, i bitch about other women.


i think I prety damn girly. I am not sayin that is the case for every one who isn't straight - I am merely saying that wanting sex with the same gender is no reason to thing for definite that it will make you less masculine/feminine

Heebie

I think you've hit upon something that both straights and gays seems to think is true, but definitely isn't.

I can say from experience that there is nothing even remotely "girly" or "feminine" about sex between two men.. it's all testosterone in the room, and it shows.

The idea that men having sex with men makes them LESS manly, or the idea that women are "less feminine" or "less womanly" because they have sex with women is just absurd. (I'd think that sex between two women would potentially be as "feminine" as sex between two men is "masculine".. just by definition, really.)

These types of stereotypes need to die among straights..and much more importantly, among ourselves! (LGBT's)

bodice ripper wrote: »

I am merely saying that wanting sex with the same gender is no reason to thing for definite that it will make you less masculine/feminine

Penitent man

Heebie wrote: »

You don't need to accept a particular lifestyle. You need to accept that it's part of whom you are, THEN figure out how to live your life around that fact. Just because you're gay doesn't mean that you have to start going to gay bars & performing as a drag queen or anything like that... it just means that you are sexually attracted to members of the same sex.
If you CHOOSE to, you can lead a "straight" lifestyle, or be celibate.

One thing for you to think about, however, is that finding true happiness in certain aspects of your life, will be a lot less likely if you choose to suppress that part of yourself, and you'll always feel like you're lying to the people you care about.

It comes down to this: You're gay/bi.. but nothing limits you to living any particular lifestyle. Don't worry about being "gay".. worry about being YOU. You will find a way you can live your life... and hopefully you won't make yourself miserable by making choices that just don't work for you.

Thanks for the advice Heebie. I suppose it all boils down to being comfortable in your own skin. And maybe someday I will be.
Hopefully soon as living as 'straight acting' is hard work and tiresome, constantly watching what I'm saying around friends for fear they might suspect something, that's if they don't already.

Btw this is helping. After years of keeping this to myself i'm now putting it into words. Maybe a step in the right direction.

Heebie

Penitent man wrote: »

living as 'straight acting' is hard work and tiresome, constantly watching what I'm saying around friends for fear they might suspect something, that's if they don't already.

Yes, it's very tiring. Always being afraid that someone might find out. One thing to keep in mind.. if you were to come out.. and some of your friends were to decide to shun you.. were they really ever your friends to begin with?

Penitent man wrote: »

Btw this is helping. After years of keeping this to myself i'm now putting it into words. Maybe a step in the right direction.

Yeah, sharing your feeling should "spread" the burden of dealing with those feelings around a bit... and a community of thousands has a lot more shoulders to spread that burden onto than you do alone.

Penitent man

Heebie wrote: »

Yes, it's very tiring. Always being afraid that someone might find out. One thing to keep in mind.. if you were to come out.. and some of your friends were to decide to shun you.. were they really ever your friends to begin with?

That's true. Although most of my friends are fairly open minded so i would hope there would be no change there.


Yeah, sharing your feeling should "spread" the burden of dealing with those feelings around a bit... and a community of thousands has a lot more shoulders to spread that burden onto than you do alone.

I'm glad to have found this forum. Even though I've along way to go to accepting this myself, it's good to know i can talk to people here who have been through something similar

Heebie

We've all been there.. and believe it or not straight folks seem to have similar battles with themselves.. not generally over their sexuality.. but their sexual adequacy (and adequacy in other ways)

By all means, use this resource! (this being all of us here.)

Penitent man wrote: »

I'm glad to have found this forum. Even though I've along way to go to accepting this myself, it's good to know i can talk to people here who have been through something similar

CdeC

Hi Penitent Man,
It is a step in the right direction. Talking about it is very important. I was in the same boat as yourself and the OP in my early 20's. A lot of self loathing. I would have done anything to make myself straight but to be honest I only made myself worse and depressed. I didn't feel gay, I had no gay friends, played rugby and considered myself masculine. What I learned though is that being gay isn't a defined behaviour and just because you are attacted to men doesn't mean that affects how you talk, act and walk. Guys like Gareth Thomas coming out shows that gay people are in all walks of life including the very upper levels of professional rugby.


You are who you are and believe me when you accept that and start to like yourself the whole world will open up to you.
Take charge of your life, like yourself for who you are and remember that there is absolutley nothing wrong with being gay. The sooner you do this the better and might I add even if you saw a therapist and said it to her it might take a huge burden off your shoulders.
Best of luck buddy.
CdeC

DubArk

Penitent man wrote: »

Thanks for the advice Heebie. I suppose it all boils down to being comfortable in your own skin. And maybe someday I will be.
Hopefully soon as living as 'straight acting' is hard work and tiresome, constantly watching what I'm saying around friends for fear they might suspect something, that's if they don't already.

Btw this is helping. After years of keeping this to myself i'm now putting it into words. Maybe a step in the right direction.

My only bit of advice is that life is too short to put things off because before you know it, life will have passed you by…….
Please don’t end up looking back and thinking; Why didn’t I live it!?
Now is what’s important.

Conor30

guest2 wrote: »

I am a guy in his early twenties and in college. I am finding it very difficult accepting the fact that I am gay. Even saying that makes me cringe.

I have never been with a guy and by the looks of things, never will.

For the past number of years I have been on gay porn sites, or sites like gaydar looking to chat with a guy in the hope to meet up. But everytime I come close, I just pull out and do nothing about it.

I am very reluctant to embrace "gay life". I don't like anything about it. I want to go to a club with my mates and dance with some girls, and have a laugh with my friends about women, but I can't. Everytime they talk about women I have to play along and pretend I feel the same way. I don't know if I can put up with this charade anymore.

I can't imagine telling any of my friends or my family. I can't even tell myself.

Everyday I go into college and see good looking guys, some of them my friends, and knowing that nothing will happen between us. It tears me up inside.

When I was young I prayed everyday for God to help me, I looked up things about hypnosis or any method of becoming straight. Stupid, I know, but I can't help but feel that if I wasn't gay my life would be so much easier.

People will tell me to "accept who you are". But it doesn't feel right. I feel like I should be a straight man.

I don't know what I expect to achieve from writing this. I guess I just need to express how I'm feeling. I know I can't change who I am, and I certainly can't accept myself.

Try chatting with a nice guy online and then, if you're ready for it, arrange to meet him for a drink. It'll become easier in time and you'll gradually accept yourself as you are. Just don't waste too much time though. One day, when you're 45 years old or something, you'll wake up regretting that you 'wasted' the best part of your youth, when you were at your best. Good luck.

mtnh

Sounds like me too. I go through periods where I somewhat accept myself and feel like taking the next step and actually doing something about my sexuality, but then I can go right back to self loathing and feeling like I can never come out, just like that. I don't even know what triggers that. Well I am unhappy with myself in general, and it's not only to do with my sexuality.

I went away on an exchange program last year for college, and I promised myself that I would kind of "start over" in a sense - new people, new surroundings. But that didn't happen. I stayed firmly in the closet and I really regret that. I guess it's because I was with some classmates and I just didn't want them to know (despite one of them asking me a few times if I was gay).

I had a gay friend there who asked me quite abruptly if I was gay. I had a feeling he liked me and was kind of expecting him to ask me sooner or later. So he did finally ask me but I still just couldn't say anything apart from "No! Why would you think that?!". Sometimes I even believe myself when I say it! He told me that he really thought I was gay because I was such a nice, sensitive guy (or something along those lines). He even asked other friends about me which annoyed me a bit. I do think he liked me, but honestly I wasn't attracted to him at all. He is a great looking guy, and really friendly, but he really just didn't do it for me (maybe because he is a bit "effeminate" to be honest) and I really really didn't want him to know I was gay for some reason. I feel sh*tty for feeling that though. I guess I had a chance, but I would have been extremely uncomfortable if I had hooked up with him.

I knew another guy and then one night after a party I had a few drinks with him (just me and him). I presumed this guy was 100% straight (looks, attitude, style etc) and as a result had no interest in him or anything. Well we got chatting and he starts asking me why someone as good looking and nice as me (his words not mine ha) didn't have a girlfriend. I didn't know what to say. I kept giving stupid answers like "Oh I am just not looking for a girlfriend right now" (my usual excuse) but I could tell he wasn't really buying it. Then I kind of slowly admitted that maybe I liked guys too (emphasis on "too"), and he told me he had had feelings for guys too. It was so nice to be able to share my experience with someone else. He offered to kiss me too just so I could experience it, but I didn't really want to. I think I was just happy that I had finally opened up about myself a bit, even if it wasn't entirely truthful. Then we parted ways and didn't really talk much after that, but I still remember that night fondly. That said, that was over a year ago and I haven't made any progress since.

Wow I just wrote a lot! I guess I just wanted to get stuff off my chest. I don't know what's still holding me back. I know my family would be ok with it (but I know my mom would be a little disappointed) and my friends wouldn't mind either. But I just don't want to be known as their "gay friend". I keep telling myself I will emigrate and start anew somewhere, but I find it sad that I feel like I have to run away and hide it all from my family and friends. I set up an account on gaydar and another dating website, but I still haven't found the courage to put up any face photos. I am so paranoid someone will see me there, most notably a gay friend I had who I don't really get on with (for other reasons) and who doesn't know about me.

Heebie

mtnh wrote: »

I went away on an exchange program last year for college, and I promised myself that I would kind of "start over" in a sense - new people, new surroundings.

Doesn't work... you're still YOU, no matter where you are or whom you're with. You just need to stop being the you that you think other people expect or want to see, and start being the you that you really are!

mtnh wrote: »

I presumed this guy was 100% straight (looks, attitude, style etc) and as a result had no interest in him or anything.

Just because you think he's straight doesn't mean you should have "no interest in him".. people can still be good looking, and nice, and awesome, if they appear to be straight! If you had no interest.. it's not because he's straight.. but because you had no interest. Are you sure you didn't have an interest? It sounds to me like you did.. but you fought hard against it.. and both won & lost in the exact same moment. At the very least, both he and the other lad you mentioned, could have become mates that you could be more comfortable around.

mtnh wrote: »

But I just don't want to be known as their "gay friend". I keep telling myself I will emigrate and start anew somewhere, but I find it sad that I feel like I have to run away and hide it all from my family and friends. I set up an account on gaydar and another dating website, but I still haven't found the courage to put up any face photos. I am so paranoid someone will see me there, most notably a gay friend I had who I don't really get on with (for other reasons) and who doesn't know about me.

Nor should you want to be known as their "gay friend".. you should be known as YOU. (I don't know your name.. or I'd use it.)

Running away and/or emigrating makes it even more difficult to come out,.. I emigrated from the U.S. to Ireland some years ago... and ended up fairly deep in the closet again, and It's only in the last year that I've had the courage to slowly start coming out to co-workers.. and that's after being out of the closet completely from age 18 to 38.. now I'm 43. Its NOT and easy thing to do.. but if you look for them, you'll have plenty of friends to help you!

If you're not comfortable putting photos on up gaydar.. don't... or keep them private until you've talked with someone on there for a while and feel you can trust that they're not your gay un-friend. (If you don't get on with him.. is he really your friend? If you think that him knowing you're gay could cause you problems with your life.. is he really your friend?)

You also probably can't expect to meet anyone great on gaydar.. nor most other gay "dating" sites.. because most gay "dating" sites are really "meat markets" where guys look to hook up with each other. Every once in a GREAT while, you might get to chat with someone interested in something other than sex.

Good luck learning how to be you, and learning exactly what it means to be you! It's an adventure that starts at birth, and doesn't end until you die... hopefully you've got tons and tons of time left to explore YOU!

cgcsb

Have you considered your college lgbt society? I run one of them. Socializing with other gay people helps.

I would like to offer one simple piece of advice. Don't worry about coming out right now, you're not ready. You first need to be honest with yourself in order to be honest with others. It sounds ridiculous, but look in a mirror and say "I am gay". It'll actually be difficult to do at first, if it's too difficult, try saying something else like "I like men". Keep saying it until the words loose all meaning.Keep saying it, even if it makes you cry. Say it louder each time. Over time, this will help you to reach a stage of acceptance. Only then should you consider coming out

JackDoyle

wow it's really sad reading all these posts, I just accepted being gay ages ago! I'm 18 now and starting College in a few days, All my friends are going different places so I'll be living with random people and I'm going to come out to them from the very start I don't wanna become friends with them and then be afraid of how they will react, I'm not camp and most of my friends are guys and they don't give a ****.

my advice just deal with it! it's life, you are gay. I used to do all the same things like pray to god to change me and crap like that but just get over it, move away make a fresh start if you have to...but you will be a lot happier once you just accept yourself and meet a nice guy not all gay people are flamboyant queens, I found out that some of my completely straight acting friends were gay or bi

but some of your guys posts are really up setting I really don't want you guys to be living fake lives like this, it must be so depressing

Monty Burnz

guest2 wrote: »

I am a guy in his early twenties and in college. I am finding it very difficult accepting the fact that I am gay. Even saying that makes me cringe.

I have never been with a guy and by the looks of things, never will.

For the past number of years I have been on gay porn sites, or sites like gaydar looking to chat with a guy in the hope to meet up. But everytime I come close, I just pull out and do nothing about it.

I am very reluctant to embrace "gay life". I don't like anything about it. I want to go to a club with my mates and dance with some girls, and have a laugh with my friends about women, but I can't. Everytime they talk about women I have to play along and pretend I feel the same way. I don't know if I can put up with this charade anymore.

I've a friend from my college days who could have written this post. After a few years, we used to joke with him about him being gay, but was a quiet guy and I get the feeling he just wouldn't have been comfortable in the gay scene. He never came out to us at all, even years after we left college.

Fast forward 15 years or so and he's living happily with a male partner for the last 5 or 6 years. They come to 'our' weddings as a couple, and so forth.

So it can be done, even if I'm not the person to advise you how. Don't despair, don't over-think things and don't give up. Anything worth doing is never easy.