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Can't accept being gay

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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 18 Penitent man


    Heebie wrote: »
    Yes, it's very tiring. Always being afraid that someone might find out. One thing to keep in mind.. if you were to come out.. and some of your friends were to decide to shun you.. were they really ever your friends to begin with?

    That's true. Although most of my friends are fairly open minded so i would hope there would be no change there.


    Yeah, sharing your feeling should "spread" the burden of dealing with those feelings around a bit... and a community of thousands has a lot more shoulders to spread that burden onto than you do alone. :)

    I'm glad to have found this forum. Even though I've along way to go to accepting this myself, it's good to know i can talk to people here who have been through something similar


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,302 ✭✭✭Heebie


    We've all been there.. and believe it or not straight folks seem to have similar battles with themselves.. not generally over their sexuality.. but their sexual adequacy (and adequacy in other ways)

    By all means, use this resource! (this being all of us here.)
    I'm glad to have found this forum. Even though I've along way to go to accepting this myself, it's good to know i can talk to people here who have been through something similar


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 510 ✭✭✭CdeC


    Hi Penitent Man,
    It is a step in the right direction. Talking about it is very important. I was in the same boat as yourself and the OP in my early 20's. A lot of self loathing. I would have done anything to make myself straight but to be honest I only made myself worse and depressed. I didn't feel gay, I had no gay friends, played rugby and considered myself masculine. What I learned though is that being gay isn't a defined behaviour and just because you are attacted to men doesn't mean that affects how you talk, act and walk. Guys like Gareth Thomas coming out shows that gay people are in all walks of life including the very upper levels of professional rugby.


    You are who you are and believe me when you accept that and start to like yourself the whole world will open up to you.
    Take charge of your life, like yourself for who you are and remember that there is absolutley nothing wrong with being gay. The sooner you do this the better and might I add even if you saw a therapist and said it to her it might take a huge burden off your shoulders.
    Best of luck buddy.
    CdeC


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 831 ✭✭✭DubArk


    Thanks for the advice Heebie. I suppose it all boils down to being comfortable in your own skin. And maybe someday I will be.
    Hopefully soon as living as 'straight acting' is hard work and tiresome, constantly watching what I'm saying around friends for fear they might suspect something, that's if they don't already.

    Btw this is helping. After years of keeping this to myself i'm now putting it into words. Maybe a step in the right direction.

    My only bit of advice is that life is too short to put things off because before you know it, life will have passed you by…….
    Please don’t end up looking back and thinking; Why didn’t I live it!?
    Now is what’s important. :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 522 ✭✭✭Conor30


    guest2 wrote: »
    I am a guy in his early twenties and in college. I am finding it very difficult accepting the fact that I am gay. Even saying that makes me cringe.

    I have never been with a guy and by the looks of things, never will.

    For the past number of years I have been on gay porn sites, or sites like gaydar looking to chat with a guy in the hope to meet up. But everytime I come close, I just pull out and do nothing about it.

    I am very reluctant to embrace "gay life". I don't like anything about it. I want to go to a club with my mates and dance with some girls, and have a laugh with my friends about women, but I can't. Everytime they talk about women I have to play along and pretend I feel the same way. I don't know if I can put up with this charade anymore.

    I can't imagine telling any of my friends or my family. I can't even tell myself.

    Everyday I go into college and see good looking guys, some of them my friends, and knowing that nothing will happen between us. It tears me up inside.

    When I was young I prayed everyday for God to help me, I looked up things about hypnosis or any method of becoming straight. Stupid, I know, but I can't help but feel that if I wasn't gay my life would be so much easier.

    People will tell me to "accept who you are". But it doesn't feel right. I feel like I should be a straight man.

    I don't know what I expect to achieve from writing this. I guess I just need to express how I'm feeling. I know I can't change who I am, and I certainly can't accept myself.

    Try chatting with a nice guy online and then, if you're ready for it, arrange to meet him for a drink. It'll become easier in time and you'll gradually accept yourself as you are. Just don't waste too much time though. One day, when you're 45 years old or something, you'll wake up regretting that you 'wasted' the best part of your youth, when you were at your best. Good luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 52 ✭✭mtnh


    Sounds like me too. I go through periods where I somewhat accept myself and feel like taking the next step and actually doing something about my sexuality, but then I can go right back to self loathing and feeling like I can never come out, just like that. I don't even know what triggers that. Well I am unhappy with myself in general, and it's not only to do with my sexuality.

    I went away on an exchange program last year for college, and I promised myself that I would kind of "start over" in a sense - new people, new surroundings. But that didn't happen. I stayed firmly in the closet and I really regret that. I guess it's because I was with some classmates and I just didn't want them to know (despite one of them asking me a few times if I was gay).

    I had a gay friend there who asked me quite abruptly if I was gay. I had a feeling he liked me and was kind of expecting him to ask me sooner or later. So he did finally ask me but I still just couldn't say anything apart from "No! Why would you think that?!". Sometimes I even believe myself when I say it! :( He told me that he really thought I was gay because I was such a nice, sensitive guy (or something along those lines). He even asked other friends about me which annoyed me a bit. I do think he liked me, but honestly I wasn't attracted to him at all. He is a great looking guy, and really friendly, but he really just didn't do it for me (maybe because he is a bit "effeminate" to be honest) and I really really didn't want him to know I was gay for some reason. I feel sh*tty for feeling that though. I guess I had a chance, but I would have been extremely uncomfortable if I had hooked up with him.

    I knew another guy and then one night after a party I had a few drinks with him (just me and him). I presumed this guy was 100% straight (looks, attitude, style etc) and as a result had no interest in him or anything. Well we got chatting and he starts asking me why someone as good looking and nice as me (his words not mine ha) didn't have a girlfriend. I didn't know what to say. I kept giving stupid answers like "Oh I am just not looking for a girlfriend right now" (my usual excuse) but I could tell he wasn't really buying it. Then I kind of slowly admitted that maybe I liked guys too (emphasis on "too"), and he told me he had had feelings for guys too. It was so nice to be able to share my experience with someone else. He offered to kiss me too just so I could experience it, but I didn't really want to. I think I was just happy that I had finally opened up about myself a bit, even if it wasn't entirely truthful. Then we parted ways and didn't really talk much after that, but I still remember that night fondly. That said, that was over a year ago and I haven't made any progress since.

    Wow I just wrote a lot! I guess I just wanted to get stuff off my chest. I don't know what's still holding me back. I know my family would be ok with it (but I know my mom would be a little disappointed) and my friends wouldn't mind either. But I just don't want to be known as their "gay friend". I keep telling myself I will emigrate and start anew somewhere, but I find it sad that I feel like I have to run away and hide it all from my family and friends. :( I set up an account on gaydar and another dating website, but I still haven't found the courage to put up any face photos. I am so paranoid someone will see me there, most notably a gay friend I had who I don't really get on with (for other reasons) and who doesn't know about me.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,302 ✭✭✭Heebie


    mtnh wrote: »
    I went away on an exchange program last year for college, and I promised myself that I would kind of "start over" in a sense - new people, new surroundings.

    Doesn't work... you're still YOU, no matter where you are or whom you're with. You just need to stop being the you that you think other people expect or want to see, and start being the you that you really are!
    mtnh wrote: »
    I presumed this guy was 100% straight (looks, attitude, style etc) and as a result had no interest in him or anything.

    Just because you think he's straight doesn't mean you should have "no interest in him".. people can still be good looking, and nice, and awesome, if they appear to be straight! ;) If you had no interest.. it's not because he's straight.. but because you had no interest. Are you sure you didn't have an interest? It sounds to me like you did.. but you fought hard against it.. and both won & lost in the exact same moment. At the very least, both he and the other lad you mentioned, could have become mates that you could be more comfortable around.
    mtnh wrote: »
    But I just don't want to be known as their "gay friend". I keep telling myself I will emigrate and start anew somewhere, but I find it sad that I feel like I have to run away and hide it all from my family and friends. :( I set up an account on gaydar and another dating website, but I still haven't found the courage to put up any face photos. I am so paranoid someone will see me there, most notably a gay friend I had who I don't really get on with (for other reasons) and who doesn't know about me.

    Nor should you want to be known as their "gay friend".. you should be known as YOU. (I don't know your name.. or I'd use it.)

    Running away and/or emigrating makes it even more difficult to come out,.. I emigrated from the U.S. to Ireland some years ago... and ended up fairly deep in the closet again, and It's only in the last year that I've had the courage to slowly start coming out to co-workers.. and that's after being out of the closet completely from age 18 to 38.. now I'm 43. Its NOT and easy thing to do.. but if you look for them, you'll have plenty of friends to help you!

    If you're not comfortable putting photos on up gaydar.. don't... or keep them private until you've talked with someone on there for a while and feel you can trust that they're not your gay un-friend. (If you don't get on with him.. is he really your friend? If you think that him knowing you're gay could cause you problems with your life.. is he really your friend?)

    You also probably can't expect to meet anyone great on gaydar.. nor most other gay "dating" sites.. because most gay "dating" sites are really "meat markets" where guys look to hook up with each other. Every once in a GREAT while, you might get to chat with someone interested in something other than sex.

    Good luck learning how to be you, and learning exactly what it means to be you! It's an adventure that starts at birth, and doesn't end until you die... hopefully you've got tons and tons of time left to explore YOU!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,875 ✭✭✭cgcsb


    Have you considered your college lgbt society? I run one of them. Socializing with other gay people helps.

    I would like to offer one simple piece of advice. Don't worry about coming out right now, you're not ready. You first need to be honest with yourself in order to be honest with others. It sounds ridiculous, but look in a mirror and say "I am gay". It'll actually be difficult to do at first, if it's too difficult, try saying something else like "I like men". Keep saying it until the words loose all meaning.Keep saying it, even if it makes you cry. Say it louder each time. Over time, this will help you to reach a stage of acceptance. Only then should you consider coming out


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13 JackDoyle


    wow it's really sad reading all these posts, I just accepted being gay ages ago! I'm 18 now and starting College in a few days, All my friends are going different places so I'll be living with random people and I'm going to come out to them from the very start I don't wanna become friends with them and then be afraid of how they will react, I'm not camp and most of my friends are guys and they don't give a ****.

    my advice just deal with it! it's life, you are gay. I used to do all the same things like pray to god to change me and crap like that but just get over it, move away make a fresh start if you have to...but you will be a lot happier once you just accept yourself and meet a nice guy :) not all gay people are flamboyant queens, I found out that some of my completely straight acting friends were gay or bi

    but some of your guys posts are really up setting I really don't want you guys to be living fake lives like this, it must be so depressing :(


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,455 ✭✭✭✭Monty Burnz


    guest2 wrote: »
    I am a guy in his early twenties and in college. I am finding it very difficult accepting the fact that I am gay. Even saying that makes me cringe.

    I have never been with a guy and by the looks of things, never will.

    For the past number of years I have been on gay porn sites, or sites like gaydar looking to chat with a guy in the hope to meet up. But everytime I come close, I just pull out and do nothing about it.

    I am very reluctant to embrace "gay life". I don't like anything about it. I want to go to a club with my mates and dance with some girls, and have a laugh with my friends about women, but I can't. Everytime they talk about women I have to play along and pretend I feel the same way. I don't know if I can put up with this charade anymore.
    I've a friend from my college days who could have written this post. After a few years, we used to joke with him about him being gay, but was a quiet guy and I get the feeling he just wouldn't have been comfortable in the gay scene. He never came out to us at all, even years after we left college.

    Fast forward 15 years or so and he's living happily with a male partner for the last 5 or 6 years. They come to 'our' weddings as a couple, and so forth.

    So it can be done, even if I'm not the person to advise you how. Don't despair, don't over-think things and don't give up. Anything worth doing is never easy. :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 528 ✭✭✭Fozzydog3


    I was as of a few months ago , you . I still wouldnt go to a social club but only coz im an unsociable prick

    theres a few thing you have to realize first , and i hope I havent regurgitated anything

    1. You're either gonna look for guys or you arent , we dont just pop up out of thin air .

    2. When you come out of the closet you change as much as YOU want or let yourself

    3.None of us are here to lie to you , trust us

    4.baby steps , Im still not %100 confident but im %100 comfortable in myself


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