Fidelity

Maddison

Hey guys,

Am back after a bit of a boards break.I come bearing questions which have come to mind with the recent newspaper articles on fidelity & the whole Ashley Cole/Cheryl Whatsername storys.
Anyhew as a person that was a cheater(Not proud of the fact cause I am TERRIFIED of karma) I know myself what lead up to my indescretions which I will detail later in this blurb.
Texting.....If you found you boyfriend was texting another female messages of a personal nature, these dont have to be 'dirty' texts, they could be messages that contain some worries that he might have or mabey just telling her things that he has never told you. Would this hurt you & do you see it as being 'emotionally unfaithful', unfaithful with clothes kept on?

Then secondly internet porn, does it bother you?

I was unfaithful to my ex partner of seven years, I feel terrible that i hurt him so badly now but at the time I didn't care about anyone but me. I suppose now that we are over I realise that although I am sorry for causing him so much pain If it weren't for me being unfaithful we would probably still be together & we would be miserable. Anyway my affair started as a few flirty texts which got out of hand but the sexual affair I had wasn't the worst. The worst was when I met someone that I didnt have sex with but had a very deep 'friendship' with, I spoke to him about things that I just couldn't talk to my ex about, this to me was worse than the quick fling because It was much much more intense.
Now I have moved on & Im with a wonderful man who I love very much(who are none of the above 2 I had the affairs with)but we had a disagreement last night on what constitutes an affair,I feel that If he were to be texting someone his deepest secrets that he doesnt tell me that I would be very hurt & I do believe that It is a form of cheating. Then we talked about the whole porn thing....another thing I did in my past relationship to get my kicks because I wasn't having sex with the ex.I feel that with my boyfriend I dont need it because we have an incredibly active sex life(although Id prefer It more often than once a day!!!)but he says he still watches it occasionally which for some reason miffs me off!

Anyway ladies opinions are to be based on what YOU believe to be unfaithful, I dont want opinions on what I did on my ex as I beat myself up enough about it.

Thank you:)

Jules

Maddison, you are right not to beat yourself up about it, people make mistakes. You feel guilty enough and you have moved on fair play.

As to what constitutes cheating, that can be a little bit messy. I have a lot of male friends, some closer than others. And i would share things with some of them that i wouldn't with my partner, simply because my partner was, well not an overly sharing kind of person. So i wouldn't consider that cheating. Harmless flirting doesn't bother me, cuz again im a naturally flirty person by nature. But there is a line, and that should not be crossed. And when you get into dirty text, you have gone over the line!

As for porn i have no tissue with pre recorded porn at all, the majority of people watch it, men and women. But i do tend to feel different about live/interactive chat porn kind of things. But then there is the acception if you and your partner are watching it together then thats ok.

I do believe one thing, everyone can make a mistake, and cheat on me once, shame on you. Cheat on me twice, shame on me!

krudler

Porn wouldnt bother me in the slighest if my girlfriend watches it, but yeah a chat room or flirting with someone I wouldlnt like, it'd be the same as dancing or flirting with someone in a club, big no no for me

Maddison

But what about the texting....say for instance you happened to ''stumble'' across her text messages & saw that she was confiding in some random bloke she has never mentioned before about things that she has never spoken to you about. Would that bother you?
Jules I can see where your coming from on the texting your male friends, like I have really close male friends too(actually I find talking to lads is sometimes easier than talking to girls) but anything I discuss with them I can discuss with my partner, also he would know them from me talking about them.

LadyMayBelle

I have been discussing this with my friends lately as it is a hot topic.

I mentioned that a good friend of mine who met her fella in Oz, bascially told me she expected him to cheat in the two months before they met again (both went travelling separate). She told me not to expect my boy to remain faithful 'as it's harder for lads'. My boy did remain faithful , and we are together 4.5years. He didn't cheat, and nor have I.

So when I told this story to my friends they shrugged and said 'well it is harder for lads and I wouldn't expect them to remain faithful if we were gone off travelling or whatver'. I was astounded at the mentality some people have in relation to this, as if lads have a licence or something. Maybe it's to do with values.

Havent much of an issue with porn. The texts thing I would be bothered by though. If my boy was doing that I would be seriously, seriously peeved.:mad:
Likewise tho if he found me doing that.

Wibbs

OK male I grant you but Id be of the "emotional cheating" can be as bad as or worse than the physical type. It does depend on the level of it. I mean you cant restrict your emotional interaction with just your partner. Its good to have other people to bounce off.

I have women mates and if I was going out with someone I would be open with saying that "yes sometimes I do talk with them as well as you". Being open is the thing.

My cutoff point would simply be; if my partner read or heard these convos would she be unhappy with this? If the answer is yes, then either my partner is of a paranoid bent, is not fulfilling my emotional needs or I have crossed a line. All of which deserve further consideration.

I will say this, I have had affairs with attached women back in the past. Looking back, while I feel guilty(rightfully) I feel more guilty over intimate conversations and connections I had than I do over any physical hanky panky.

In one case I remember, we never did the deed. Didnt even snog. Lots of hugs though and deep intimate convos and almost daily contact. Contact and convos her BF had no clue about and never found out. He was a bit innocent/clueless and mad about her, but if I think about it, I feel very bad to this day, that while he was in the mad in love/just us together stage, she was emotionally connected with another guy. I and her robbed him of that IMHO.

Porn I have no great issue with. If it revs their engine well then cool by me. Again it depends on how much. I'd liken it to having a few drinks. Fine if she has a few socially, not so fine if shes quaffing two bottles of claret a night.

Jules

But i confide in some very close girlfriends about things i wouldnt of with him, why should a male friend who is just as close, if not closer, be any different. Its the context of the content, if i got that right, that is the issue.

krudler

Its the context for me too, I have no issue with my girlfriend talking to a male friend about our relationship, I talk to female friends if something is bugging me or I need advice or just a female perspective.

would anyone have an issue with their partner being friends with exes? I dont mean as in being friendLY or just civil, i mean as in meeting them regularly. Again it can all depend on the context, someone they went out with for a few weeks, didnt go anywhere and decided to stay friends, prob wouldnt bother me, someone they'd gone out with for a long time and had sex with, probably would tbh. I guess I'd see it as that since they've been together before theres no barrier there to stop them doing it again, if that makes sense, the familiarity thing.

Cheating, aside from the kissing/sleeping with someone standard "dont do that" things the majority of people would have issue with, can be tricky, would you class sleeping in the same bed after a house party with someone as cheating? or would they actually have to have sex or kiss them for it to be so?

ah relationships, melting peoples brains since the dawn of time

Novella

Maddison wrote: »

Texting.....If you found you boyfriend was texting another female messages of a personal nature, these dont have to be 'dirty' texts, they could be messages that contain some worries that he might have or mabey just telling her things that he has never told you. Would this hurt you & do you see it as being 'emotionally unfaithful', unfaithful with clothes kept on?

Then secondly internet porn, does it bother you?


Anyway ladies opinions are to be based on what YOU believe to be unfaithful, I dont want opinions on what I did on my ex as I beat myself up enough about it.

Thank you:)

If my boyfriend was texting another female messages of a personal nature, would I be hurt?
Tbh, a guy emotionally cheating on me would have a much greater effect on me than say a physical one nighter. I'd be way more likely to pass off a sexual fling and probably accept some fault in it. I think it's way easier to let the sexual side of a relationship go stale, much less noticable too. You know, after a while, after the initial phase of 'Can't get enough', a pattern can set in and I don't really blame anyone for becoming bored by that. Of course, they should turn to their partner and suggest things to fix it but hey, it doesn't always happen.

Emotional cheating though? That isn't a fumble in the dark that lasts for ten minutes! Emotional cheating is a lot more likely to carry on over a longer period of time, ime. Engaging with someone on that level, I've no idea why, but I just think it's so much more important than the physical aspect. It's pretty easy to go out, pick someone up and have sex with them but finding someone who you can tell everything to and who actually cares - that takes way more effort.

I understand that just in day to day things, like work etc., people can meet others with whom they find it easy to talk to and that's cool. I'd have no problem if my boyfriend spoke about things to others, as long as he still felt like sharing with me too. What would really bother me, I guess, is if he was pouring his heart out to someone else and when confronted by me said, "Oh, it's nothing, doesn't matter".


Internet porn; I have no problem with. Well, unless of course it was some kind of unhealthy obsession or he expected porn to be included in every sexual aspect of our relationship. I've watched porn myself and while it doesn't really do it for me, I get that guys are more visual than women and yeah, it just wouldn't bother me if he watched it. I would in no way consider it him being unfaithful.

Ickle Magoo

We are pretty open about sex, porn, chats, nights out, etc. I would probably class anything he did furtively or was deliberately doing secretly because it obviously crosses the boundaries within our relationship as, well, crossing the boundary. I don't think deal breakers have to be hands on cheating - just things done knowingly that it would destroy the trust and intimacy of our relationship.

I would think if he's texting another woman intimate details of his life that he's not discussing with me that there must be something going wrong in our relationship and I would expect him to address that, rather than get closer with another woman - if he deliberately chose not to address it and instead to continue to converse with a third party then he's done both myself and our relationship an injustice and that's what would be the deal breaker.

Boston

Lets call this what it is, irrational jealousy. Sometimes you need to talk about things with someone who isn't all that close to you or whose outside the particular situation in question. If we defined what you guys are describing as "emotional cheating" as infidelity then everyone whose ever asked for advice on the relationship issues forum is guilty. As are any of you who've talked about relationship problems with a close friend.

Men deal with their emotions differently to women and just because you're perfectly comfortable opening up and sharing everything with him, doesn't mean he's ok with the prospect of sharing with you. In fact, he may be even less willing to talk to you about relationship problems if he see himself as having to be constantly strong and supportive of you. Talking to a mate is a lot better then talking to no one. The issue the op has isn't that her other half might be emotionally closed off to her, but rather then he isn't emotional closed of with others. That's just jealousy plain and simple.

Frankly can you blame the guy. If simply looking at porn is going to be the source of drama and insecurity then why on earth would he voluntarily bring up important issues to do with the relationship?

All that said, I understand that it should be you and him against the world and that if he's going to talk to anyone about his problems it should be you. But you have to first ask yourself what exactly is your problem, if you dress up your insecurities as his failing, nothing good will come of it.

krudler

Frankly can you blame the guy. If simply looking at porn is going to be the source of drama and insecurity then why on earth would he voluntarily bring up important issues to do with the relationship?

+1 on this, why people get so bent out of shape when their partner doesnt open up about something deeper if they flip out over something like looking at another man/woman or something that doesnt matter in the long run is their own fault

Ickle Magoo

krudler wrote: »

+1 on this, why people get so bent out of shape when their partner doesnt open up about something deeper if they flip out over something like looking at another man/woman or something that doesnt matter in the long run is their own fault

I agree that getting worked up over porn or not trusting a partner to talk to members of the opposite sex is silly and pointless but responsibilities lie on both sides - just being more secretive & hiding other things that might cause insecurity instead of meeting these issues head on is a recipe for disaster, ime.

I was too weak to pull a partner up for being ridiculously insecure and in the end his insecurities teamed with my cowardliness not to set out appropriate boundaries just destroyed what was, otherwise, a pretty good relationship.

spinandscribble

I have no problem with porn at all, it would only be an issue if he preferred porn then being with me. Porn is just a release and I really can't relate to women's problems with it.

I think its healthy to have people you can confide in other then your OH but i wouldn't like my bf going to a friend about our relationship if he didn't approach me first about the problem, be they male/female unless of course it was a good reason like they didn't know how to bring the topic up with me ect.
I definitely wouldn't like my talking more intimately with another woman then he would with me beyond things i can help him with, sometimes you need to talk to someone other then your gf/bf.

I wouldn't like to imagine my bf becoming intimate with details of our relationship with another girl if that girl is not an old friend or someone they couldn't be attracted to. I can see the lines becoming blurry easily if its a old flame or someone they are attracted to. I've seen some guys i know use the "new female friend" excuse when really they want to be with the new person but has doubts about jumping ship so instead resort to long private chats, becoming very cosy, couple like, everything but actually touching eachother. its only a matter of time then whether he's jump boat, cop on or she'll not want to plat second fiddle in this guys life. I think both genders do this btw, i'm not tarring men alone here.

cheating for me is kissing and everything else beyond that. If a guy is a huggy kinda guy i have no problem with that but if a bf wasn't and suddenly he was hugging girls i'd wonder why the change and probably ask him but it wouldn't be cheating. I only bring up the hugging thing because for me it was a issue when i was younger because a girl made a issue out of my bf hugging her, trying to suggest he meant something more by it.

EDIT: For me its important for my OH to be open with me and can talk about how he feels. If i know from day one he's going to be the silent type that bottles everything up and has no interest in changing then he's not the match for me and theres no point sticking around. I need someone who can communicate or at least wants to improve how he communicates.

Ickle Magoo

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

We are pretty open about sex, porn, chats, nights out, etc. I would probably class anything he did furtively or was deliberately doing secretly because it obviously crosses the boundaries within our relationship as, well, crossing the boundary.

.

+1 to this.

I think if it's something he can't tell you he's done or would lie about doing because he knows it would hurt you then that's crossing the line.

The texting thing, well if I found that he was telling someone that I had never heard of secrets then that would hurt me. If it was a friend of his who is female then that's completely different. But then, I wouldn't be checking his texts so I guess I would never know :P

Have no problem with porn. Did for a while when I was younger, but I was going through a very insecure phase in my life. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest now.

Wibbs

Boston wrote: »

If we defined what you guys are describing as "emotional cheating" as infidelity then everyone whose ever asked for advice on the relationship issues forum is guilty. As are any of you who've talked about relationship problems with a close friend.

Eh no. Talk about being dramatic. There's a helluva difference between talking with a mate and the degree being talked about here. I doubt any are suggesting that's at issue.

It's when it goes beyond that. Where it becomes inappropriate. Where its more than friendship.

I would agree with you re the porn/insecurity/drama aspect though. Being with anyone who is in possession of an insecurity hair trigger is a serious pain in the arse. Regardless of gender.

Novella

Boston wrote: »

Lets call this what it is, irrational jealousy. Sometimes you need to talk about things with someone who isn't all that close to you or whose outside the particular situation in question. If we defined what you guys are describing as "emotional cheating" as infidelity then everyone whose ever asked for advice on the relationship issues forum is guilty. As are any of you who've talked about relationship problems with a close friend.

Men deal with their emotions differently to women and just because you're perfectly comfortable opening up and sharing everything with him, doesn't mean he's ok with the prospect of sharing with you. In fact, he may be even less willing to talk to you about relationship problems if he see himself as having to be constantly strong and supportive of you. Talking to a mate is a lot better then talking to no one. The issue the op has isn't that her other half might be emotionally closed off to her, but rather then he isn't emotional closed of with others. That's just jealousy plain and simple.

Frankly can you blame the guy. If simply looking at porn is going to be the source of drama and insecurity then why on earth would he voluntarily bring up important issues to do with the relationship?

All that said, I understand that it should be you and him against the world and that if he's going to talk to anyone about his problems it should be you. But you have to first ask yourself what exactly is your problem, if you dress up your insecurities as his failing, nothing good will come of it.

Maybe you don't really understand what emotional cheating is. It's not asking for advice on a relationship issue. I'm not too sure why you're focusing on that point exactly because Maddison asked how would you feel about your partner discussing personal issues with someone else. It was never limited to discussing the relationship with a friend, that is something else entirely and that's fine.
Also, I think the porn thing was unrelated.

Boston

Maddison wrote: »

I feel that If he were to be texting someone his deepest secrets that he doesnt tell me that I would be very hurt & I do believe that It is a form of cheating.

Wibbs wrote: »

Eh no. Talk about being dramatic. There's a helluva difference between talking with a mate and the degree being talked about here. I doubt any are suggesting that's at issue.

It's when it goes beyond that. Where it becomes inappropriate. Where its more than friendship.

I would agree with you re the porn/insecurity/drama aspect though. Being with anyone who is in possession of an insecurity hair trigger is a serious pain in the arse. Regardless of gender.

Novella wrote: »

Maybe you don't really understand what emotional cheating is. It's not asking for advice on a relationship issue. I'm not too sure why you're focusing on that point exactly because Maddison asked how would you feel about your partner discussing personal issues with someone else. It was never limited to discussing the relationship with a friend, that is something else entirely and that's fine.
Also, I think the porn thing was unrelated.

Maybe you're talking about something completely different to what was brought up by the original poster. It's clear shes talking about her partner sharing personal things with someone who isn't her. Your definition of emotional cheating seems rather arbitrary.

Ickle Magoo

Boston wrote: »

Maybe you're talking about something completely different to what was brought up by the original poster. It's clear shes talking about her partner sharing personal things with someone who isn't her. Your definition of emotional cheating seems rather arbitrary.

I assumed from her previous paragraph that she was referring to her own texting someone of the opposite sex to an extent it was a precurser to an affair or an intimacy she didn't have with her other-half. You are right, the OP actually only says "texting someone his deepest secrets that he doesn't tell me" and doesn't specify sex or relationship but I would think it goes without saying that the vast majority of people don't consider their other-half having a deep and meaningful with their best friend/mate as cheating, emotionally or otherwise...and surely what constitutes emotional unfaithfulness to each person in a specific relationship is arbitrary by definition?

G86

Boston wrote: »

Maybe you're talking about something completely different to what was brought up by the original poster. It's clear shes talking about her partner sharing personal things with someone who isn't her. Your definition of emotional cheating seems rather arbitrary.

I think what she's referring to is her partner sharing things with another woman that he feels he can't share with her. If that woman was a long term close friend then I'd understand that, but not if it was someone he'd just met - and I think that's where the difference lies. And in saying that, even with close friends it's very easy for the lines to get blurred when you have that deep an emotional connection, I know from experience.

Can you imagine how hurtful it would be to find out that the person you love feels they can't confide in you? And imagine how much more it would hurt to find out that the person they're confiding in is someone they barely know. Maybe it's just me and my definition of a relationship, but I could never be with someone who didn't trust me enough to be open with me.

Boston

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I assumed from her previous paragraph that she was referring to her own texting someone of the opposite sex to an extent it was a precurser to an affair or an intimacy she didn't have with her other-half. You are right, the OP actually only says "texting someone his deepest secrets that he doesn't tell me" and doesn't specify sex or relationship but I would think it goes without saying that the vast majority of people don't consider their other-half having a deep and meaningful with their best friend/mate as cheating,

Ok, that seems rational. But you agree that none of that is in the original post. Whose to know what consitutes a precursor to an affair? I don't know about the last bit. I've encountered jealously of friendship a lot. A friendship is an intimacy. Long standing close friends will often know things about each other which partners will never know. I wouldn't class it as infidelity, but some definitely would.

and surely what constitutes emotional unfaithfulness to each person in a specific relationship is arbitrary by definition?

True.

G86 wrote: »

I think what she's referring to is her partner sharing things with another woman that he feels he can't share with her.

I do as well.

G86 wrote: »

If that woman was a long term close friend then I'd understand that, but not if it was someone he'd just met - and I think that's where the difference lies. And in saying that, even with close friends it's very easy for the lines to get blurred when you have that deep an emotional connection, I know from experience.

Can you imagine how hurtful it would be to find out that the person you love feels they can't confide in you? And imagine how much more it would hurt to find out that the person they're confiding in is someone they barely know.

Well sometimes it's not about you. I mean people talk to anonymous priests about issues and problems, would that be more acceptable? It's wrong to look at it as a personal failing, it just easier sometimes to talk to people completely removed from things.

G86 wrote: »

Maybe it's just me and my definition of a relationship, but I could never be with someone who didn't trust me enough to be open with me.

Open up to you about everything? I'm sorry but that type of thing doesn't just happen with a flick of a switch. That type of 100% trust right off the bat only happens the first time around. Anyone whose been in love and had their heart broken is going to take time to open up. It could be years before your average bloke is going to open up fully.

G86

Boston wrote: »

Well sometimes it's not about you. I mean people talk to anonymous priests about issues and problems, would that be more acceptable? It's wrong to look at it as a personal failing, it just easier sometimes to talk to people completely removed from things.

Yes it would, because talking to a priest is completely different to sharing things that personal with another woman they barely know, you get me? However, if it was a close female friend I'd have no problem with it, I have guy friends I talk to on the level. The jist of it is that I'd just hate the person I'm with to feel that they can't trust me enough to talk to me. I've been with guys who just shut me out when they were upset/annoyed and it wasn't for me. As I said though, maybe that's just a personal thing on my part - I couldn't be with someone like that.

Boston wrote: »

Open up to you about everything? I'm sorry but that type of thing doesn't just happen with a flick of a switch. That type of 100% trust right off the bat only happens the first time around. Anyone whose been in love and had their heart broken is going to take time to open up. It could be years before your average bloke is going to open up fully.

I realise that, and I wouldn't expect that amount of trust straightaway - nor would I give it, but if they put that trust in another woman instead then that would hurt me.

Ickle Magoo

Boston wrote: »

Ok, that seems rational. But you agree that none of that is in the original post.

I took the flavour of the post from the title of the thread and the initial statement but yes, it isn't directly stated that is what the OP means, I was just assuming.

Boston wrote: »

Whose to know what consitutes a precursor to an affair? I don't know about the last bit. I've encountered jealously of friendship a lot. A friendship is an intimacy. Long standing close friends will often know things about each other which partners will never know. I wouldn't class it as infidelity, but some definitely would.

Some might, I certainly wouldn't be one of them. I think some people are jealous of their partner doing pretty much everything and anything but in order to be classed as an infidelity in my book, then there would have to be more to it than friendship or it would have to be done in such a way as to be detrimental to our relationship. I suppose everyone has to define their own boundaries and each partner has to decide if those boundaries are acceptable to them.

I guess I'm not sure there is a definitive right and wrong when it comes to relationships - my own boundaries and expectations have been different depending on the relationship, even changing within the lifetime of a relationship as the relationship grows - or disintegrates.

Wibbs

Maddison wrote:

Anyway my affair started as a few flirty texts which got out of hand but the sexual affair I had wasn't the worst. The worst was when I met someone that I didnt have sex with but had a very deep 'friendship' with, I spoke to him about things that I just couldn't talk to my ex about, this to me was worse than the quick fling because It was much much more intense.

The bit from the OP's first post re the emotional cheating bit. Now Maddison can correct me if Im wrong but it was more than friendship. The parentheses show her feelings on that score. Plus the bit about being very intense. I know what she means and its more than deep talk with your mates.

OK I'll look at it, obviously IMHO and from the man going with woman angle. It's the only one I know in any practical sense, though most of it would cover any other relationship angles I reckon.

I would say most men (and I would have been similar myself when younger) see sexual intimacy as a bigger threat and insult than emotional intimacy. I'd even say most men would go huh? at the latter. So long as there's no shaggage its all good kinda thing. Also men too often think that if she's getting jiggy it's because she really likes the other guy. They forget that she may have just wanted a shag. Ironically ignoring the emotional affair is a worse plan.

Now having seen affairs, having been cheated on and even having been "the other guy" in same(where I learned the most actually), I have noticed that women will have an affair for all sorts of reasons. Sexual boredom, revenge, emotional boredom, or simply as an excuse to escape.

Most of all they will tend to seek in the lover what they're not getting from their partner. If its sexual(though more usally simply not feeling desired) they'll seek out someone to replace that. If not feeling emotionally or intellectually engaged they'll seek out that as a primary need. They may well sleep with the guy, but that's almost secondary.

IMHO The latter is more dangerous to the official relationship. I've seen couples where the woman has had a sexual affair, but the emotional connection was still there and they came back from that. Where the emotional/intellectual connection was gone it was sooner or later game over. Waning sexual desire can be relit, but waning emotional desire is usually fatal. Indeed I would say in the majority of cases waning sexual desire in women starts with waning emotional desire.

On the other side. Ive known men to cheat on their partners sexually. And that was it. They wanted a bit of strange basically, or to boost their egos. They may well love and be very emotionally engaged with their partner too. If they engaged with the woman emotionally then it was again game over for the relationship.

And that's why emotional cheating is a worse bet IMHO.

Novella

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO The latter is more dangerous to the official relationship. I've seen couples where the woman has had a sexual affair, but the emotional connection was still there and they came back from that. Where the emotional/intellectual connection was gone it was sooner or later game over. Waning sexual desire can be relit, but waning emotional desire is usually fatal. Indeed I would say in the majority of cases waning sexual desire in women starts with waning emotional desire.

On the other side. Ive known men to cheat on their partners sexually. And that was it. They wanted a bit of strange basically, or to boost their egos. They may well love and be very emotionally engaged with their partner too. If they engaged with the woman emotionally then it was again game over for the relationship.

And that's why emotional cheating is a worse bet IMHO.

Yes, this is all what I meant by my first post!

Maddison

Men deal with their emotions differently to women and just because you're perfectly comfortable opening up and sharing everything with him, doesn't mean he's ok with the prospect of sharing with you. In fact, he may be even less willing to talk to you about relationship problems if he see himself as having to be constantly strong and supportive of you. Talking to a mate is a lot better then talking to no one. The issue the op has isn't that her other half might be emotionally closed off to her, but rather then he isn't emotional closed of with others. That's just jealousy plain and simple.

Boston first of all my thread was based on an article I read & wanted opinions on, I used myself merely as an example so your personal digs are not appreciated thank you very much. What I have been reading & a lot of feedback I have received from friends is that if we are in deep & meaningful relationships should our partners not confide in us as well as their friends, I can talk to my boyfriend about anything....but at the same time there isnt anything I feel that I coulnt discuss with him that Id need to share with anyone else.

Granted the parts where I admitted that in my previous relationship I was unfaithful both physically & emotionally(ie.talking to someone instead of talking to my partner, confiding in them about any worries I might have) these were true to life. I was stating that I was wrong in these cases & I felt that It was more hurtful to my ex not that I had meaningless sex with some guy I didnt particularly like but that I had an extremely deep relationship with some other guy.

Boston

Personal digs? You brought up your issue with porn, you brought up your issue with a partner discussing personal matters with another woman. I think that is irrational and I'm free to say so. I didn't bring your personal life into the discussion, you did. If you do not wish for people to comment on your personal life there is a very simple solution.

I can talk to my boyfriend about anything....but at the same time there isnt anything I feel that I coulnt discuss with him that Id need to share with anyone else.

Someone else's prospective can be useful. No point arguing in absolutes.

Maddison

No Boston, I used myself as an example. Also I dont have an issue with porn, Ive watched it & Ive gotten off on it so where your getting your notions from I have no idea, I was merely asking others opinions on it based on an aticle I read in the Indo magazine today titled 'texts, lies & betrayal'. Thankfully in my current realtionship, sex is not an issue Im worried about but hey if in a few years my libido drops off the face of the earth, hey I dont blame a guy for gettin his kicks elsewhere.

Oh and also with regards to the texts, If my boyfriend is looking for an opinion from others perpectives that isnt an issue either as Wibbs said its the context of the messages.

Boston

Maddison wrote: »

No Boston, I used myself as an example. Also I dont have an issue with porn, Ive watched it & Ive gotten off on it so where your getting your notions from I have no idea,

Maddison wrote: »

he still watches it occasionally which for some reason miffs me off!

0_o yea I've no idea where I got that idea from either.

Maddison wrote: »

I was merely asking others opinions on it based on an aticle I read in the Indo magazine today titled 'texts, lies & betrayal'. Thankfully in my current realtionship, sex is not an issue Im worried about but hey if in a few years my libido drops off the face of the earth, hey I dont blame a guy for gettin his kicks elsewhere.

Really? Thats a pretty poor attitude. So say tomorrow you end up working in cork and him in dublin, with you guys only seeing each other once a week. Is it ok for him to shag around the rest of the time?

Maddison wrote: »

Oh and also with regards to the texts, If my boyfriend is looking for an opinion from others perpectives that isnt an issue either as Wibbs said its the context of the messages.

I think we've reached the limit of what can be discussed in abstraction then. The medium doesn't matter, be it text or face to face, all that matters is the content.

Maddison

Hell no Boston, I was talking about porn not sex with other people. Porn, Pamela & her five sisters.

Boston

I sense communication problems. The Irony. You've explained what you meant, we can take it from there. In principle I agree, partners should be forming deep loving and emotionally intense relationships with others while remaining isolated from the person they're meant to be with.