Get revenge for all my mean comments - critique my proposal

Fenster

This represents my first time making a serious proposal and I am convinced I have excluded something. Be mean:

http://img.bhalash.com/proposal2.pdf

The photos used are all more recent ones simply because I had the master files immediately on hand. I'm in the process of digging up older files.

SinisterDexter

Immediate problem with it! It won't open!

Fenster

Refresh. Should be fixed now.

eas

I can tell you your typography is a bit of a disaster...

the combination of all upper case, over exaggerated leading and tracking all make it very difficult to read.

Interesting thing if you use a thirds approach to type, everything can sing like in a photo.

DK32

It's probably minor but the fonts don't work for me. Also the use of CAPS on everything makes the font look worse.
Other than it sounds & looks interesting. Would like to see your prints but I couldn't justify the trip to Galway.
Are you thinking of exhibiting in Dublin as well?

Fenster

If I find somewhere to take me, yeah.

LightningBolt

Justify your text. Means that the text aligns itself perfectly to the right and left margins.

charybdis

LightningBolt wrote: »

Justify your text. Means that the text aligns itself perfectly to the right and left margins.

Ragged right FTW.

pullandbang

Interesting. Don't like the font or the use of caps.
On page three I'm reading about black skies and snowy trees, yet I'm looking at an image of a Coach Depot. I'd be expecting to see trees and black skies, not a city building. You also mention deserted streets with no cars - all I can see is cars!

I like your idea but I think you should tweek your flyer to reflect the images.

My tuppence worth!:)

Fenster

pullandbang wrote: »

Interesting. Don't like the font or the use of caps.
On page three I'm reading about black skies and snowy trees, yet I'm looking at an image of a Coach Depot. I'd be expecting to see trees and black skies, not a city building. You also mention deserted streets with no cars - all I can see is cars!

I like your idea but I think you should tweek your flyer to reflect the images.

My tuppence worth!:)

Excellent points, sir!

ColmDawson

Pg. 4: "INFRAFRED PHOTOGRAPHY"

I'd go for regular capitalisation, too.

I like the photos.

Gambler

Yeah, as others said not mad on the capitalisation or the font.

I would have loved to see one of the "snow-covered wonderland" photos you mentioned too.

Fenster

Kinda shock and horror, but I don't actually have any 'snow-covered wonderland' photos. I have replaced the image on the page in question with one that shows off the white grass and streaky sky. I'm actively beavering away on the document right now and once I have this last page finished I will put it together and upload it.

Breathe a sigh of relief, all. The font has been replaced.

FoxT

Check spellings, grammar & general wordsmithing.
ie.

Page 2: Should ( I think) read 'Through THE unique viewpoint of a specially (2 'L's) modified camera....

Page 3: 'A lush forest grove transforms into a snow-covered wonderland' - you are skirting with hyperbole here! How about ' A forest grove is transformed into a snow-covered dreamscape'


Page 4: I would rewrite the second sentence.

So instead of
'After moving to a professional camera body I expanded my experimentations... Arrgh on the double here. Who cares if you have a professional body (Camera or otherwise.... or, do you mean the IPPA (!)), also 'expanding the experimentations' has a ring of assonance that jars with me...

I would go for something like

' After an initial period of trial & error, I began to produce the images that I had envisioned - images that depict the familiar in a new and engaging way. '


'congregation of ghostly cars' - how about 'At clogged intersections, all that can be seen are the ghostly shadows of the traffic that has passed '

also I would describe your intentions a bit more crisply - Is it your intention to showcase the beauty of Galway and of Ireland? Since galway is a subset of Ireland , why 'Galway & Ireland', why not just 'Ireland? 'If all your pics are taken in Galway, then just state that you are showcasing Galway.


Finally - some of the above may be nitpicking, I hope some may be helpful , Overall I love the graphic B&W images - well done to you & good luck with it!

-FoxT

thebaz

critique should be just honest , revenge is a dish served cold - I think opening image is a little dull in comparison to others , technically its fine - but I would move it further down not as my opening image

anyway best of luck with exhibition ,

Fenster

thebaz wrote: »

critique should be just honest , revenge is a dish served cold - I think opening image is a little dull in comparison to others , technically its fine - but I would move it further down not as my opening image

anyway best of luck with exhibition ,

Cheers Baz.

K_user

Would love to give my comments...but I can't open it...

Fenster

What PDF reader/version of said reader are you using?

Fenster

http://img.bhalash.com/proposal3.pdf

Sleepy

Where are you hoping to exhibit? Would be interested to go along...

Fenster

This is aimed at the Galway Museum, but if it works out I plan to recycle this and apply to a few different places around here and there.

CraggyIslander

Creative writing forum --->

the first three/four paragraphs can be shortened to two: in the first paragraph say you're exploring galway thru an infrared lense/filter/eye or something, it's not really a modified camera, is it? (taking the same shots with a pinhole camera, now theres a challenge ) and what the 720nm denotes.

In the second paragraph use the spectacular vistas/views of familiar places, the colour shifting and the blurring parts. Drop the 'long exposure' bit and probably the wavelength bit too........ you're selling your images, not the techniques you used, so use your prose as you've some potential there:

"People and cars are blurred into non-existence, busy streets become deserted and traffic jams turn into processions of ghost-like cars"

Combine that with your bit about the abyss and dreamscape and you've got em hooked.

Anyway my tuppence, i think less is more (and leaves more room for the images).....

Fenster

Maybe I should have cross-linked over there. Thank you for that.

CraggyIslander

you're welcome, i've had to write a couple 'business proposals' (non photography related mind) lately and the ones with the money (exhibition space) aren't interested in the 'how its done' in the slightest

For your bio, i wouldn't mention that you got your first dslr in 2006, just that you've been doing infrared for 5 years and are an experienced photographer (see what i did there?)

Your closing paragraph should really sell it to them, 'my intent is..' wont sell, more something like:

An exhibition of the included images showcases the natural and architectural beauty of Galway and Ireland through the profound uniqueness of infrared photography.

Lastly if you can sum it up in one sentence, try and make a case, why they should do the exhibit..... it will add to their museum how?

K_user

Fenster wrote: »

What PDF reader/version of said reader are you using?

Adobe Reader 9 - my machine was just rebuilt on Friday, so I'm still working out whats missing and whats still working...so it could just be me!

crazydaize

Fenster wrote: »

Breathe a sigh of relief, all. The font has been replaced.

PEOPLE POWER !!!!! :D:D


Fantastic images. Keep us updated on the exhibition.

NORTH1

crazydaize wrote: »

PEOPLE POWER !!!!! :D:D


Fantastic images. Keep us updated on the exhibition.

+1 here, love the images, and would be interested in going to the exhibition.