adopted adult finds birth parents got married

ausgurl

I'm a 28 year old female who has recently found my birth parents who it transpired got married....3 years after they gave me up. I've got 4 full blood brothers (one of whom was also born outside of their marriage who they managed to hide until after they got married) who were never told about me until this year.

there was the initial euphoria of having found them and they were so nice to me, parading me around to be met by everyone. Then I started to feel a little sad and angry as to how this happened. So I asked them for some time away (I asked for literally four days). When I came back I didn't feel ready to speak to them and then they got angry with me. My birthmother demanded a meeting with me. I brought my sister with me as I expected it to be her and my birth father. She asked my sister to leave the meeting and I spent three hours being basically given out to and spoken to in quite a hurtful way. She told me I was a silly girl for not having considered that she and my birth father would have ended up together. I attempted to explain that as an adopted person you do what you can to protect yourself as to why this has happened. I asked why had they not told the boys or come looking for me and it was all put back on me....saying that of course I should know that they couldn't come looking for me.

I found this all very hard as prior to this she had been going around introducing me as her daughter. Following this meeting I met them again and got the cold shoulder. Then I got a text saying that they hoped I had enjoyed the day out we'd had. Then I got a text from my birth father saying that they all loved me so much and hoped I'd felt the same about them. And since that I've heard nothing.

Are the questions I had wrong? Should I not have asked? Any other adopted people with advice please?

kathy finn

hi ausgirl,
i feel for u, in this adoption thing their are no right or wrong ways to feel. they are ur feeling and they should take them on board.
fact is you will never be as close to your birthparents as your siblings are she brought them up.
i feel you can be friends with all of them if you could get past the feeling of being abandoned by your family.
why don,t you try bernardos councelling if you ar in dublin.
i have little contact with my birthfamily, but that is my choice, i felt when i was with some of them i was not the confident person i am, i was looking for something that was,nt their if that makes sense.
good luck to u and remember there is no right or wrong answers just go with how u ar feeling...kathy

The_Conductor

None of the questions- or feelings, you have are unusual in any way.

Its actually more unusual than normal, for birthparents to marry- it does happen, but its very much in a minority of cases. There would be absolutely no reason that you'd make any assumptions about it.

There is always a sense of euphoria when you find your birthparents- but after the initial euphoria dies down- comes a sense of expectation on both your part and their parts. They may expect you to suddenly morph into their eldest daughter- and be a part of the family- without any respect for the fact that to all intensive purposes you're strangers. People really don't understand what its like to be adopted, unless they themselves are adopted. You do develop coping mechanisms- and an unreal self reliance, alongside an intense fear of getting hurt, and either a deep distrust of literally everyone, or the inverse- a misplaced trust in people who don't deserve your trust.

You haven't done anything wrong- and even at this stage- you have to think of your own wellbeing, and what is best for you. Your birthparents are making all sorts of unreasonable assumptions about how the last 28 or 30 years can suddenly be magic'ed away and you will all of a sudden take your place as a family member. This can be so totally overwhelming- its entirely understandable that you'd take a step back to try to understand whats happening- their reaction and subsequent cutting of communication- is far from understandable however.......

You need to decide what is best for you- and to be perfectly honest- I'd also suggest that you persuade them that attending some reunion classes with you- where they can get an idea of what you're going through- probably wouldn't be a bad idea either. I know Barnados run some good adoption reunion courses, for your own sake- even if you can't get them to go- it would be helpful for you to go yourself.

Reunions are tough- they are rarely the lovely fairytales that the media love to portray. I'm always sad and wishful at the same time- anytime I hear of wonderous stories- I know quite a few adopted people (myself included). Of those who have managed to find their birthmums (its unusual to find both birthmums and dads)- I can't think of a single one who has the archetypal reunion that magazines talk of.......

Hugs to you,

Shane

ausgurl

Thanks for ur replies it all helps so much. I knew that this was never goin to be easy and I guess it's made all the harder by the fact that I've a brother who is 2 short years younger than me and the other three are all two years apart. I knew straight away that their euphoria which I understood was taken to a totally unacceptable level when they asked me to stop calling them by their first names and call them mam and dad. They also referred to my parents (my adoptive parents who will always be mam and dad and nothing else!) as the people who reared me! I was also uncomfortable with being kissed goodnight by my birth father (I'm a 28 year old woman who is not touchy feely with her own family let alone with total strangers!). So I did not think it unreasonable to bring these concerns to my birthparents, or birthmother as it transpired who turned up to meet me. However they were not received well. And she has now regressed back to the 18 year old who gave me up and the anger she has for the person who made her give me up is being directed at me. I just needed to know that I wasn't wrong....I just needed to hear that this is "normal" or whatever that means. It's been quite difficult, from my point of view being told I'm this type of person or that type of person by people who don't even know me and as you say who are literally trying to pretend the last 28 years didn't exist. I do feel that they need councilling and I guess I just have to hope they realise this too.

kathy finn

hi ausgurl,
i just found this meeting posted on another website and thought of u.
support group for adopted people who are post reunion
monday 12th april 7.30 to 9.30
mercers hotel mercers street
dublin 2. beside st stephens green and the royle college of surgeons car park.
if u want to go or are looking for information phone 01 4546388 tues and thurs 10-2pm.
hope this is some help...kathy

MaryMagdalene

Hi Ausgurl, sorry to hear that things are not going well for you but thanks for sharing how you are feeling. I am meeting my daughter for the the first time this month and its benefical to me to hear these things. I must admit I find it strange how they would expect you to call them Mam and Dad and of course totally unrealistic. I also think that they are being totally unfair to you and in fact I wish I could give them a good kick up the you know what!

I will however say that I have spent years in counceling. I finally ended up a mess at the doorsteps of Barnardos and I can honestly say that this was the only counceling that ever did it for me. I finally laid my demons to rest and came to terms with what had happened. I'm not going to say that I don't still get angry particularly with my family but I finally found a way to live again without 'adoption' clouding every single person/thing in my life. I went back to college, got into a stable relationship and eventually got married and had more children. Life began again for me I guess. Then my daughter contacted me and now this part of my life begins and yes I do so want it all to go right but I know I will cope even if it doesn't.

I think Kathy suggestion for Barnardos is great. I cannot recommend them highly enough and she is right do this for you. If they don't want to go you can't force them but you need to look after you in all this. You need your head to be clear and I honestly think that they need to understand this.

ausgurl

Thank you all so much this is great to get this help.....better than any social workers or adoption agencies!!!