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Girl slapping my son in the face: What would you do?

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    #32
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 50,630 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    The Corinthian wrote: »
    And you think physical violence is more acceptable?

    Absolutely not, hence I gave a suggestion to a solution
    If nether the mother or the daughter think it is a problem for a girl to hit a boy, then you have to give them a reason that it is a problem using the same logic that permits such behaviour in their eyes.

    It is not fair on the son to use this language, he will want to know what whore and slapper mean. Do you think it is fair to expose him to this language? I see what you're getting at, but I don't agree with the way you trying to achieve it.


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    #33
    Quandary
    Registered Users Posts: 5,320 ✭✭✭Quandary


    Stella777 wrote: »
    She's done the same thing to other boys that are her "friends" FWIW.

    Maybe it would be worth while mentioning it to the parents of the other boys who are also being bullied. Im sure the other parents wouldnt take too kindly to what is happening either. If more parents other than yourself contact the teacher regarding the same problem girl then im sure the situation would be rectified very quickly!

    Best of luck...


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    #34
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    Deleted User wrote: »
    It is not fair on the son to use this language, he will want to know what whore and slapper mean. Do you think it is fair to expose him to this language?
    I see your point (although by nine he'll already know a lot worse, tbh). Slapper is a less aggressive word IMO, as would "not the right type of girl" be, while still getting the message across.


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    #35
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 50,630 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    The Corinthian wrote: »
    , as would "not the right type of girl" be, while still getting the message across.

    I agree with this :)

    Just think it's wrong of parents to encourage the use of such language in previous posts. If he goes into school calling her a whore or a slapper (although strangely slapper would be appropriate!!) he could end up in the principals office himself and poor stella would have to explain why she told her son the girl was a whore :eek:


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    #36
    Stella777
    Closed Accounts Posts: 585 ✭✭✭Stella777


    The Corinthian wrote: »
    I see your point (although by nine he'll already know a lot worse, tbh). Slapper is a less aggressive word IMO, as would "not the right type of girl" be, while still getting the message across.
    actually we are in the US and only spend summers in Ireland. (my spouse is Irish.) Here, the word slapper does not have the same meaning that it does there (like slut or whatever.) In the US it literally just means "a person who slaps"..Which is apprently what she is, I suppose ha ha..(sorry, just trying to find a little humor in a not-so-funny situation.)

    If he called her a slapper, she wouldn't get it anyway. The ironic thing is that they happen to be in the same ballroom dancing and etiquette class. So her parents must care about manners to some degree. Maybe he could tell her that she is "not comporting herself like an elegant young lady"??? :rolleyes:


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    #37
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    Stella777 wrote: »
    If he called her a slapper, she wouldn't get it anyway. The ironic thing is that they happen to be in the same ballroom dancing and etiquette class. So her parents must care about manners to some degree. Maybe he could tell her that she is "not comporting herself like an elegant young lady"??? :rolleyes:
    The terminology is not that important, feel free to fill in your own. My suggestion was simply to use the same logic that dismisses her violence as acceptable back on both her and, in particular, her mother.


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    #38
    TargetWidow
    Registered Users Posts: 559 ✭✭✭TargetWidow


    It's really very simple and not couched in language anyone can find offensive. He needs to say "Do not hit me again". He needs to have a chat with you about how he feels about it himself, whether it is him or you that has the problem with it. This is a good opportunity to open up a good dialog with him. It's not a gender difference issue. Slapping is never ok regardless of who the perpetrator is. If she is using it to get his attention, it must be working, as we usually only carry on behaviours that are effective for us. Maybe he needs to acknowledge this to her and say "Look I need you to stop slapping me, but I see you are annoyed with me. You need to find a better way to get my attention if you want it." Hope this helps.


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    #39
    miss no stars
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,957 ✭✭✭miss no stars


    "Ya know... it's really pathetic when you do things like that. Real sad and pathetic"

    say it emotionlessly then just walk away. She's the same age as him, if he looks more mature she sure as hell isn't gonna want to look like an immature loser.


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    #40
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    miss no stars wrote: »
    say it emotionlessly then just walk away. She's the same age as him, if he looks more mature she sure as hell isn't gonna want to look like an immature loser.
    She'll probably just hit him again anyway.

    I think people are making the mistake that one can reason with either her or her mother. The OP has tried this and this has been dismissed by them. It will never make any effect on them - that's just how things are sometimes with some people. "Do not hit me again" won't even register as there is nothing to back it up, no downside whatsoever for the girl.

    The only options I would see are to use psychology based upon their logic to turn it back on them so that they both realize that hitting has consequences, escalating this to the school or breaking all contact with them (forbidding the child to speak to the girl).


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    #41
    finty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 266 ✭✭finty


    The Corinthian wrote: »
    I think the girl will suffer for this in later life. She will never develop her ability to argue or reason with others, because she resorts to physical responses instead. As a result, she will grow up socially stunted as a result.

    As to the OP's son, if both this girl and her mother condone such double standards, then play by their rules. The boy should be told that he is not allowed to socialize with her any more. If asked why, explain that such behaviour is something that one would expect of a whore or slapper, and it is better he has nothing to do with her.

    Double standards often cut both ways.


    Crazy advice there.

    Are you seriously suggesting telling a 9 year old that anyone who does something bad to them is a "whore or slapper"?

    This CHILD might grow out of this behavior but your child going around thinking the world is full of "whores and slappers"will surely be the one who ends up socially stunted.

    OP you have spoken to the parent, now inform the school. It's not acceptable behaviour, neither is branding children whores!!!

    Simple as.


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    #42
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    finty wrote: »
    Crazy advice there.
    You might read what followed from that post, as the discussion did move on even if you stopped reading.


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    #43
    the_syco
    Registered Users Posts: 37,301 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    OP, inform the school. I'd say it's only a matter of time before someone has a bad day, and punches the slapper in the mouth. And then whoever hit her will be in a world of sh|t.

    And as you're in the US, this will probably mean lawsuit.


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    #44
    finty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 266 ✭✭finty


    Oh I did.
    The Corinthian wrote: »
    The only options I would see are to use psychology based upon their logic to turn it back on them so that they both realize that hitting has consequences, escalating this to the school or breaking all contact with them (forbidding the child to speak to the girl).


    You've advocated labelling a 9 year old child in 2 posts after your whore or slapper post.

    I presumed your psychology based approach mentioned above was based around the same principle.

    Doesn't look like the discussion had moved on to me.



    OP inform the school, the only people who can deal with this effectively are the school authorities.


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    #45
    TargetWidow
    Registered Users Posts: 559 ✭✭✭TargetWidow


    Goodness forbid anyone might want an opportunity to teach the child how to be emotionally honest. I'm shocked at the level of gameplaying some posters here are saying should be taught to this child.

    I say let him confront the situation without any plan other than expressing his needs honestly and laying down an acceptable boundary and possible consequence for this girl (eg I won't let you hit me anymore. If you hit me again we can't hang out.) You might actually end up with a fairly decent specimen of a young man if you teach him to be straight. He's got to want the outcome of this for himself though. And maybe it might take getting a few more slaps before he wants it enough to deal with it himself.


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    #46
    Sleepy
    Registered Users Posts: 24,249 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    Am I the only one who'd tell the kid to hit back?


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    #47
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    finty wrote: »
    You've advocated labelling a 9 year old child in 2 posts after your whore or slapper post.
    It would be mild compared to what I would call her if it was my son she was hitting.
    I presumed your psychology based approach mentioned above was based around the same principle.

    Doesn't look like the discussion had moved on to me.
    Looks like it has to me given that those terms were no longer being suggested. Maybe you just switched off because of them.
    OP inform the school, the only people who can deal with this effectively are the school authorities.
    Depends on the school authorities in question.


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    #48
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    Sleepy wrote: »
    Am I the only one who'd tell the kid to hit back?
    P. J. ORourke in Modern Manners' wrote:
    How much fame, money, and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face?

    Seriously though, however justified one may feel to advise the boy thus, it would probably end up with him getting into trouble, because he is a boy and she's a girl.

    Also I'm not certain that giving the boy the lesson that violence is able to solve problems is the best one to give any child.

    On the other hand...
    Robert A. Heinlein in Starship Troopers wrote:
    'Violence never settles anything.'

    'So? I'm sure the city fathers of Carthage would be glad to know that.'
    ;)


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    #49
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    The boy needs to learn that it is not acceptable behaviour and to tell the teacher and report it and have confidence to do so.

    The girl needs to learn that it is not acceptable behavior and that actions have consequences, seems her parents a negligent in the area and it is just as well the school will have a policy on not hitting and the school should be informed.


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    #50
    Taltos
    Registered Users Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    You need to nip this in the bud asap.
    Why - I was in school with a girl like this. When 11 she kicked her "boyfriend" for the exact same reason - he ignored her for some other friends. Upshot was she crushed a testicle.

    Wish the appropriate action had been taken earlier for that girl - you have a chance her to stop this escalating - take it.


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    #51
    Micky Dolenz
    Registered Users Posts: 44,080 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    Sleepy wrote: »
    Am I the only one who'd tell the kid to hit back?

    Maybe I'm old school, but no son of mine will raise a hand to a girl, regardless of age.


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    #52
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    Micky Dolenz wrote: »
    Maybe I'm old school, but no son of mine will raise a hand to a girl, regardless of age.
    If he ends up like the boy in Taltos's post, that is a family tradition that could well end with him...


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    #53
    Micky Dolenz
    Registered Users Posts: 44,080 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    The Corinthian wrote: »
    If he ends up like the boy in Taltos's post, that is a family tradition that could well end with him...


    And you think the answer to stop this kind of thing happening is to encourage more Violence?


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    #54
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Micky Dolenz wrote: »
    Maybe I'm old school, but no son of mine will raise a hand to a girl, regardless of age.

    Fair enough but you should teach him to still stand up for himself,
    to tell the girl that is not on, to speak out loudly and object to it happening
    so others then see and hear it and to tell the teacher and report it.


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    #55
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    Micky Dolenz wrote: »
    And you think the answer to stop this kind of thing happening is to encourage more Violence?
    No, I thought I was clear about that. Didn't you notice the ;) ?

    The problem is that our sons will not live as adults in the 'old school' World; where men were men and women were property - and that's ultimately where concepts such as "no son of mine will raise a hand to a girl" came from. So we can indoctrinate our children to follow values that will essentially hobble them socially as chauvinistic throwbacks, or we can teach them to treat both genders equally.

    And so, it is better to teach them that the pen is mightier than the sword, regardless of gender.


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    #56
    Micky Dolenz
    Registered Users Posts: 44,080 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    Thaedydal wrote: »
    Fair enough but you should teach him to still stand up for himself,
    to tell the girl that is not on, to speak out loudly and object to it happening
    so others then see and hear it and to tell the teacher and report it.

    I wasn't inplying that the boy should not defend himself, far from it. But not through striking back with kind.
    The Corinthian wrote: »
    No, I thought I was clear about that. Didn't you notice the ;) ?

    The problem is that our sons will not live as adults in the 'old school' World; where men were men and women were property - and that's ultimately where concepts such as "no son of mine will raise a hand to a girl" came from. So we can indoctrinate our children to follow values that will essentially hobble them socially as chauvinistic throwbacks, or we can teach them to treat both genders equally.

    And so, it is better to teach them that the pen is mightier than the sword, regardless of gender.

    I'm not as old school as that. My opinion is probably heavily influenced by the fact I grew up with six very strong minded females. Hitting my sisters was always a no go, even from a very early age, this carried forward to all females. I would hope to instill the same with any sons I may have.

    Because I say or enforce "no son of mine will raise a hand to a girl" doesn't mean I am being chauvinistic. thats crazy talk in my opinion, and if treating genders equally means that males and females physcally fight, I don't think I want to live in that kind of world.

    The boy must learn not to react against a female with violence, there are other tools that may be employed.


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    #57
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    should he also learn not to react against a male with violence, there are other tools that may be employed?


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    #58
    xoxyx
    Registered Users Posts: 1,811 ✭✭✭xoxyx


    Would you think of saying something to the girl? I know when I was that age, if a grown up gave out to me I would have crapped myself! Nothing major, just say that you know that she has hit your son and not to do it again. Real serious-like.


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    #59
    Micky Dolenz
    Registered Users Posts: 44,080 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    Thaedydal wrote: »
    should he also learn not to react against a male with violence, there are other tools that may be employed?

    edit: sorry misread post

    Yes, he should learn that but sometimes conflict against other boys can't be avoided.


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    #60
    Stella777
    Closed Accounts Posts: 585 ✭✭✭Stella777


    I know that I'm probably being over cautious. Part of the reason I'm treading lightly is that we are still quite new here. His former school was much stricter. I doubt this would have happened there,because the kids had almost no free time when they didn't have adults watching their every move. The new school is much freer, which has been a mixed blessing.

    Not only is he "the new kid," but so am I. The girl's mother is very much in the loop. You know, one of those mothers who are constantly at the school volunteering and gossiping with the other mothers. There is a certain Stepford Wife atmosphere here that I'm not used to.

    I'd just as soon not be on her hit list, if you know what I mean.

    OTOH, I don't want the girl to continue to hit my child in the face. It's simply unacceptable. There's no way I'm going to encourage him to hit her back. Not only does that go against my own values, but it won't end well for him.

    I have a strong suspicion that even if he barely touched her, she'd turn on the dramatic tears and he'd find himself in the principal's office.

    I think I might approach the school counsellor and ask her to have a word with the girl without involving the mother. From what I gather, the cousellor is very popular with the kids, so maybe the girl will listen to her. The mother seems very close to the teacher and is always volunteering for class activities. I think it's better to involve someone more neutral. I've told my son that if it happens again, he must, in whatever words he thinks sound right, tell her never to do it again and he has to walk away from her. I think the walking away part is important, so she learns that hitting is not the right way to gain attention.


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    #61
    Micky Dolenz
    Registered Users Posts: 44,080 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    Stella777 wrote: »

    I think I might approach the school counsellor and ask her to have a word with the girl without involving the mother. From what I gather, the cousellor is very popular with the kids, so maybe the girl will listen to her. The mother seems very close to the teacher and is always volunteering for class activities. I think it's better to involve someone more neutral. I've told my son that if it happens again, he must, in whatever words he thinks sound right, tell her never to do it again and he has to walk away from her. I think the walking away part is important, so she learns that hitting is not the right way to gain attention.


    That sounds like a well thought out plan.

    Best of luck.


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