child refusing to study

DinoBot

Hi,

So last night my 15yr old decided that he no longer wants to study or do any homework ! We were told that the junior cert is a waste of time and he is now finished studying.
Of course my initial reaction was WTF ! (but that doesn't really solve anything).

Over the last few months its been a struggle and he has lost xbox, TV and all that stuff, but now he seems to have decided that he is willing to loose all that stuff.

So , how do you get a 15yr old to study ? I feel Ive tried everything and tbh I'm at a point where I am almost going to throw in the towel

JacksDad

We all despised studying at that age, well I did. And route one for me was to rebel and 'I know what's best' - right? Wrong! We need to, subtly, enforce some simple rules and routines, especially when it comes to schooling.

My feeling would be, and I could be wrong, that your teen has possibly latched onto your frustration and is looking maybe to try your patience and exploit your frustration with him declaring (in a huff) 'the junior cert is a waste of time and he is now finished studying'. Your reaction to this spate of stubbornness is key to a positive progression in this situation.

I think, and I know it's going to be hard, but patience and perseverance is paramount on your part from here on in. Take a breath, re-access the situation take your time and approach it with a degree of calm. You could initiate a different hands on approach. Start with forgetting the past spates and start afresh. Maybe draw up a study plan with him, one on one. Let him know you are interested and are on his level. Another approach would be to promote small amounts of study to begin with with regular breaks (i.e.. walk and talk with him or rustle up a snack) and build from there.

I'm thinking that if you try this route, or similar, you will both progress, but most importantly your teen will reap the benefits. We all have tolerance levels that are pushed to boundaries of 'throwing in the towel' but sometimes re-accessing and adopting a simple, different approach will get the right result for all concerned.

Stick at it - stick with him. You will both be fine. And good luck.

Ickle Magoo

I hated school and found the work boring beyond belief, combined with my mega-heavy handed parents breathing down my neck that I must to X, Y & Z, well, I didn't study and the day I turned 16, I left. I left home the next week and a couple of years later began a long road of work and study to get back to place I could have been if I'd just knuckled down and got on with it.

Instead of leaning on him to study, take the pressure off and find ways of not studying look less attractive a proposition. Have a good chat about his plans and what he intends doing with his life and see if you can get through to him how important (& how much he'll regret!) not sticking with it.

Is there any reason he's fed up? Is confidence low? Does he think he'll fail? Is he looking forward to doing something else? Is he feeling pushed and pressured by you taking his stuff to try to "make" him study? Perhaps call a meeting and thrash out a proposal you are all happy with. He's 15, he sees himself as an adult and perhaps a meeting of adults would get to a working conclusion better?

Best of luck.

Khannie

JacksDad wrote: »

My feeling would be, and I could be wrong, that your teen has possibly latched onto your frustration and is looking maybe to try your patience and exploit your frustration with him declaring (in a huff) 'the junior cert is a waste of time and he is now finished studying'. Your reaction to this spate of stubbornness is key to a positive progression in this situation.

+1. Don't give up.

DinoBot

Hi JacksDad,

Thanks for the reply. I had implemented exactly as you have said in your post. It got to that point where I scrapped all past punshisments for not studying and I implemented a very simple study plan of two 45 minute sessions a day, PLUS gave him the option of skipping days if he felt his homework was too much or had other stuff on.

I don't think this is a very demanding study plan at all.

So I have told him that if he doesn't study he will have to stay in his room ALL day and during the weekend. Thats all I have Beyond that what else can I do ?

I had the calm conversation trying to reason with him and told him he could think it all through last night and come back to me today with his answer. Am I being too extreme making him stay in his room all day if no study is completed ?

He has plans to work with computers BUT he does not want to put the work in at all. All he wants to do is play XBOX and watch TV.

Khannie

DinoBot wrote: »

He has plans to work with computers BUT he does not want to put the work in at all. All he wants to do is play XBOX and watch TV.

You can put him in touch with me if you like (pm me for an email address if you like). I work in the computer industry and I can tell you / him that a good leaving cert is gonna be a pre-requisite.

DinoBot

Khannie wrote: »

You can put him in touch with me if you like (pm me for an email address if you like). I work in the computer industry and I can tell you / him that a good leaving cert is gonna be a pre-requisite.

I work in the sector myself, I'm an electronic designer. He "seems" to understand whats needed but when it comes to actually having to do something he switches off.

But I might take you up on the offer because perhaps a voice from outside might help. Thanks! I'll see how things go tonight.

JacksDad

DinoBot wrote: »

Am I being too extreme making him stay in his room all day if no study is completed ?

Good question. It could go two ways. It could make him seriously sit up and pay attention and work with you or push him to the other extreme and think he could endure a weekend to prove a point that whatever you say is not going to make him study - further winding you up.

I'd be interested to hear what he comes back to you with today, following your suggestion of thinking it through over night. Good move. You are giving him time to reflect on your ultimatum rather than imposing a weekend in the room straight away. You are also giving you, a chance to breath and seek opinions (;)) I applaud your ability to compromise and meet him half way, which is evident, through calm conversation and reasonable study schedule.


You've touched on his passion to work with computers which you should nurture and use this as a foundation for him to build on through study and hard work. If he wants to think big (computers) he has to play big (study). You as a parent can't promote the importance of knuckling down enough.

One thing we have to remember is that what ever is suggested is not going to give you an answer to the problem or quick fix solution overnight. Consider this a work in progress and a very achievable goal for you setting your son on the right track. Sometimes our frustration at the lack of co-operation results in 'feic this for a game of soldiers' and we want to throw in the towel, not just with our kids, but in other everyday life experiences. But like I said, and I know its easier said then done, its through patience and perseverance that we get the right result for all concerned.

You will be fine, as will he, keep your head and he will his.

Let us know how you get on today with your follow up chat.

DinoBot

well he came home in quite a good mood. He told me that he would stick with the study plan and said sorry for going off on one yesterday.

So, a good result and a surprising one to be honest. We will see how he goes from here

Thanks guys, its good to hear back that Ive not lost it and I'm actually not being too strict. So Ive also decided to keep all gaming only for the weekends, with alot of protest from no. 2 child. But I feel it will help as the other was of having gaming all week just wasn't working.

Thanks!

JacksDad

DinoBot wrote: »

Thanks guys

Don't mention it. That's great news! Always good to throw it out there and you'll feel the better for it too!

Onwards and upwards from here on in eh?

Take care and good luck.;)

CrazyRabbit

I'm with Ickle Magoo on this.

Have you considered that perhaps he lacks self confidence? If he doesn't think he'll do well it the exam, he just might choose not to bother trying.

Instead of punishing him for not studying, it might a better idea to find out the reason why he does want to study, and then tackle that. He probably has his reasons.

DinoBot

CrazyRabbit wrote: »

I'm with Ickle Magoo on this.

Have you considered that perhaps he lacks self confidence? If he doesn't think he'll do well it the exam, he just might choose not to bother trying.

Instead of punishing him for not studying, it might a better idea to find out the reason why he does want to study, and then tackle that. He probably has his reasons.

His reasons were he wants to be left alone and just play xbox.

We don't push him too much with respect to getting very high grades but we do expect good effort put in. He would rather sit looking at a blank wall than study sometimes. Its a constant battle and if he thinks there is a day I cant check if he did his work he won't do it.

I think he is just lazy tbh. Plus he is young so its hard for him to understand stuff just has to be done, like exams and cleaning his room

Raiser

Aside from bad judgements, indifference or apathy try and find out if there's an underlying sense of defeatism or a sense that any efforts will be in vain - Human nature will sometimes guide us to give up early if we for some reason think we are doomed to failure.....

Also re. the preference to stare at a blank wall etc. If he has very poor study scheduling, technique, patterns, habits and all of this leads to their inevitable conclusion then he needs an overhaul in this area.

Nevyn

Good habits are the way to go.
It's hard to but it helps, mine have to tidy thier rooms for 15 mins a day after they have had an ahour off when they come on from school and we have a set time for home work and that is the routine. It can be a struggle but hopefully it will carry them through the worse of the teen years.