horrible choices :(

tig09

Hi All,
Not sure if I am posting this in the right thread considering what I am about to ask advice on but I really need the advice of people who maybe have been through this stage of massive doubt.....
I just discovered I am 7 weeks pregnant, I am with my BF 1.5 years and were both 29, not living together but he is in mine 24/7. I am working he just lost hours and is down to part time work. Last weekend I told him I was pregnant and okay it wasnt planned but were both adults so I expected him to feel like I did....Shocked, Scared but were adults, we will manage, there is never a prefect time for this. He has nephews and nieces and adores them, I dont really have any young kids around me so I expected him to be ok-ish about it. He wasnt. He cried, he wouldnt talk, he was like a black cloud for 2-3 days then told me he cannot do this, he doesnt want kids and isnt ready, cannot give a child the life he would like to right now. Basically wants me to consider abortion.:( He told me he would hold my hand through a termination !! and if i chose to have the baby, it was my choice, he would support me financially as much as he could but that's as far as he could manage. keeps saying he was happy the way we were......:(

I am lost, devastated, I feel like I have to make horrible choices that are not fair. I cannot nor do i want to be a single parent, moneywise I couldnt manage through maternity leave etc and afterwards....I dont know how I would cope. to consider abortion leaves crying but yet I CANNOT completely rule it out considering my other option.
I havent told anyone else yet, i dont know how to tell them. SO SO much going around in my head, one day I know what i want 1/2 hour later I am crying into his shoulder saying I dont know what to do.

Has anyone else been through this, am i being stupid, immature to hope he will adjust to this ? I would really appreciate any good or bad stories to help me, I feel very on my own right now.

Nevyn

It is a horrible place to be in, you've had two shocks in a row.

I would suggest that you both go for crises pregnancy counselling.
www.postiveoptions.ie

Crisses pregnancy counselling is about working out what your feeling and how to get suport for what you choose to do and support and information is there for all the options. There are appointments for men also.

crazy cat lady

I've not been through this myself, but there have been a few posts on here with women in a similar situation having unsupportive partners.

Its an awful situation to be in and I'm sorry that you have found yourself in it.

I'm just wondering how you would feel if you did have a termination? Is it something that you would feel guilty about for the rest of your life? If you're not at a stage in your life where you could raise a child, would you consider adoption?

Your partner may not be supportive now, being told that you are about to become a father is big news to anyone! Its comes as a shock even when you're trying for a baby! However, many fathers do come round to the idea of being a parent, especially when they see the child for the first fime.

I know you say that financially you wouldn't manage, but you'd be surprised how little you can get by on when you have to. You'd also be amazed at how supportive friends and family can be.

You could consider talking to someone professional at www.positiveoptions.ie. I'm sure that they are experts in helping women in your situation. Or do you have a close friend you could confide in? Or your mum?

I would think about spending a bit of time away from your partner to really think about what YOU want too. At the end of the day its your body and its you who will either be raising this child or living with the decision to have a termination. Your partner can walk away at any time and leave you picking up the pieces, so you have to think about what is best for you.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. It can't be easy and I hope everything works out for the best

silja

What a difficult situation *hug hug*.
Keep in mind you have a third option: rather than be a single parent or termination, you could also have the baby adopted.

hacked

Hi honey, I am just about 40 weeks pregnant now with my first child and am in a simalrish situation. My partner wants nothing to do with us, and won't give us a penny.

It's ok to be mad, hurt, upset, scared....pretty much any emotion you feel right now is completely NORMAL. I would agree with Thaedyal about contacting positive options. Never ever feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do. Termination is a big deal, and it's something you can't take back. If you decide that thats what you want to go for that's fair enough, but you have plenty of time to decide...take some time to get used to the idea and explore all of your options.

Single parenthood was never something I had wanted for my life. I was terrified at the start too. (I found out i was pregnant at 6 weeks and partner and i split at roughly 3 months) I had decided from the beginning (after some thought) that termination was not an option for me personally, but there were a number of times throughout the pregnancy where I talked to my social care and had considered adoption, even though I wanted my baby! It's not easy.

Single parenthood is possible though. Not to say that it's not scary, but it is possible. It sounds like your man is willing to help you financially as well, which is fantastic.

Anyway, im long winded...all I want to say is think and long and hard and do what YOU want to do. Please feel free to pm me anytime...and remember to surround yourself with people who are going to take care of you and lift you up. Telling some close friends could be a positive thing to do at this point.

tig09

thanks for all the advice, i am going to contact positive options and hopefully that will help. I have decided to stay with my mum for a bit although not to tell her yet, I think I need space away from him and at the moment as he has been by my side constantly since i told him which sounds good but its making me feel worse.
everyone's advice is really helping, but i am very wary of a making a decision and hoping he will come around and be left on my own struggling.and i know adoption is a consideration, however if i carried the baby 9 months I know I wouldnt be able to walk away plus everyone would know and therefore put even more pressure for what they think is best sounds selfish i know but i am trying to be real......termination, i have no idea how i would deal or feel about it, i have a feeling even if i dont expect to be destroyed, i think i really would. having the baby........i just dont know how i would cope, i make enough to cover my rent, run my car which i need for work, and enough left over for the basics, its not like i go out or spend a lot on my social life, its not that im afraid to give up cos im not like that. i just dont know if i could provide for a child.
i guess the biggest problem is knowing what i want and i dont, he has made this a very different decision than i was expecting.
but thanks for the advice

meditraitor

Go with your heart on this one.

Good Luck

LegacyUser

Hi There

I'm really sorry to hear about your problem, I was in the exact same situation in Jan last year. I was 26 my partner 28, we werent together that long and not living together, i was unemployed and he's just working an averago joe job with a normal wage, we freaked out. I always said i would never ever ever have an abortion, but when it came down to making a decision it really did seem like the only option, i would have gotten 100% support from my partner and my parents if I wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy but i wouldnt have been giving the child the life i would want him/her to have. plus i knew that in the long run it would ruin my partner, he took it really really bad, even worse than me, so i went to the well woman clinic in 2 minds about what to do and spoke to a counsellor, alone, without my boyfriend, I done this because I needed this to be my decision, I knew what he wanted and I wasnt sure what I wanted.

Evenutally I went to UK and got a medical termination, they can do it up to 9 weeks, so you'd have to arrange it pretty quickly, you take 2 pills and then pretty much have a miscarraige. I couldnt go through with a medical procedure, no way! If you are going to have a termination I would definatley suggest you have the medical termination, and the place is so full of girls your own age in the same position that you dont feel bad because you know your not alone.

Its hard trying to be sincere here but I just really want to say that my heart goes out to you, it was a hard decision for me but the whole experience wasnt as bad as i thought it would be, I am a fool and I fell pregnant again in the summer and thought i could do another termination but on the day i was due to go back to the uk we decided to keep the baby because I just didnt feel right doing it again, and my circumstances where much different at that stage so if you go ahead with it make sure your extra extra careful afterwards.

anyway, i dont want to turn this in to a ramble, just make sure the decision you make is for yourself and for NO ONE else, not even a little bit, it has to be for YOU, your the only person who knows what your mind and soul can deal with, & your the only person who will lie awake at night wondering what 'would' have been the right decision.
Keep your head up and remember, if you go ahead with this termination no body has to know, it doesnt change who you are. Hope all works out for you xx

gaeilgegrinds1

This is a really tough one. Firstly, do you feel an abortion is right for you? Someone else here suggested adoption. You have a few weeks to think. Also, where has his reaction come from? Might it change? A friend of mine was in a similar situation but we were very young at the time. Her boyfriend put pressure on her to get rid of the baby, she had told her mother who threw her out and ended up with a man she resented and without the baby she half wanted. Do what YOU want, it's your decision.

Best of luck and whatever decision you make is yours to make, hugs your way.

implausible

My god, what a dilemma. At the end of the day it's your choice. I'd just like to point out a few things:

It's interesting that you chose to post here. We often ask advice in places where we're looking for a certain answer. Maybe you want us to reassure you that you can do this.

It sounds like it's your boyfriend who is looking for the termination. If it's what both of you want, there's no reason why you can't do it, go on with your lives, have children later and live happily ever after. However, if there is a screed of doubt, it will be traumatic for you and leave you feeling bitterness and resentment towards your boyfriend. Could your relationship survive this? You could move on from contemplating a termination, but being pressured into having one?

Your boyfriend doesn't want children now. Has he said when he would like to have them? Have you had the long-term commitment conversation? Is he just terrified of the commitment involved in having a child? It may just be a case of cold feet. Men tend to be the ones who worry about the financial side of things, he may be just overwhelmed. If it's just the finances, how can he volunteer to support you?

The other thing is - your age. You are both mature adults, not teenagers. Have children always been in your plan for the future? While he may be able to put off thinking about children for 20 years, that is not an option for you. You are near enough the average age for women having their first child in this country, so why not now?

I understand the financial pressures, but in the bigger scheme of things, it's not important, you can survive. I hope for both your sakes that it is just financial worries that's making him react like this and not an indication of his unwillingness to commit to the future. Don't do anything because you want to keep him as you could end up losing a lot more.

I really feel for you OP, it's a terrible position to be in. It's a difficult enough decision to make, even without the pressure from him.

gowayouttadat

God I'd hate to be in your shoes!

Christmas 2008 I found out I was pregnant. DP and myself were together a good few years at that stage but I was only 25 and didn't want kids so early. I wanted to travel the world and make a career for myself. Tbh I had always said I never wanted kids at any stage.

We were both so shocked that we decided on an abortion and that we'd have a baby at a better time for us. I have to say DP didn't react like your other half but we still sat down and talked and decided to arrange to go to the UK.

Over Christmas DP spent time at home with his niece and nephew and rang me on Christmas night saying he had changed his mind and wanted to keep the baby. It took me a while to get my head around it but we agreed to keep the baby. Our little fella is now 7 months old and we're completely mad about him. He's hilarious and keeps us on our toes but we wouldn't have it any other way. It was such a hard decision to make and each situation is different but I think we made the right one.

I remember when hacked was going through an awful time last year and she would have great advice for you. She handled it brilliantly.