First Time!

Snas

Ok so I'm 17 and I'm pretty sure that me and my girlfriend will be getting down and dirty this weekend.

It'll be my first time, but not hers.

So any advice? Any do's or dont's:)

Much appreciated!

Snas.

Millicent

Don't expect too much, don't drink too much and for God's sake man, foreplay! Always remember the foreplay!

keithg89

another feeky thread?:D

Jax Teller

Wear a raincoat

nucking futs

Watch American Pie, has all the advice you'll need

FlutterinBantam

Bury it up to the root in the council gritter.


They love that.

Agricola

Avoid the backdoor...........

alwaysadub

ha you've really picked the wrong forum for this!!

Don't forget to return any favours

PK2008

Screw foreplay

Ride her like a stolen bike

Danbo!

Girls love a bastard, so beat her around for a bit with a sweeping brush first

Bolag_the_2nd

do a trent on her :eek:

Did you meet her through Facebook? If so watch out for syphilis.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

What the guy said about foreplay. Also, try to relax. Not easy, I know, but the more you relax the easier it is. If she knows it´s your first time (which hopefully she does, if not, tell her - she´l more than likely be okay) she´ll understand and want to help and... Wait a minute... this isn´t PI, this is AH.... Report back on Monday morning. With pics.

DrumSteve

take a poo on her chest.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Do the spiderman on her, but in order for it to work, you have to surprise her... women fcuking love it. She'll tell all her friends and you will get as much sex as you want, but you have to do it right... Sounds odd, but they love it for some reason. This move has helped me out so much in the past...

Here's a description.

he act of jizzing in your hand after pulling out and then throwing it in your partner's eye.
Girl 1: Why are your eyes all red and swollen?
Girl 2: My boyfriend spiderman'd me last night.

WIZE

Bet you dont get none:P

Snas

alwaysadub wrote: »

ha you've really picked the wrong forum for this!!

Ha nah I'm not really expecting very serious answers.

Ok so my expectations have been lowered and I'm avoiding the backdoor!

It should basically be 15 seconds of pain and awkwardness, followed by tears and a break up. Then it's back to good old fashioned fapping.

My name is URL

Stick a porno on in the background before going at it with each other

Tea_Bag

PK2008 wrote: »

Screw foreplay

Ride her like a stolen bike

A Giant brand bicycle.. slogan is "Built to be ridden"

Professey Chin

Angry pirate to finish the night.
Cum in her eye then stamp on her toe.They love it

Millicent

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

What the guy said about foreplay. Also, try to relax. Not easy, I know, but the more you relax the easier it is. If she knows it´s your first time (which hopefully she does, if not, tell her - she´l more than likely be okay) she´ll understand and want to help and... Wait a minute... this isn´t PI, this is AH.... Report back on Monday morning. With pics.

*cough* girl, dammit *cough*

You've just reminded me it's AH so with that in mind, a Cleveland steamer is always a treat!

*disclaimer, for God's sake OP, do not actually do this!

MaybeLogic

My name is URL wrote: »

Stick a porno on in the background before going at it with each other

Except don't do what my mate did one time which was to stick on a porn, inadvertently bought in Amsterdam, tell the girl it's a deadly porn without having watched it and get all riled up with the girl for about 5 minutes before realising it was transexual porn.

orourkeda

shoot off on her baps and rub it in with your arsecheeks

Millicent

Snas wrote: »

Ha nah I'm not really expecting very serious answers.

Ok so my expectations have been lowered and I'm avoiding the backdoor!

It should basically be 15 seconds of pain and awkwardness, followed by tears and a break up. Then it's back to good old fashioned fapping.

OP is this really your first time? Cos that sounds like someone who speaks from bitter, bitter experience.

orourkeda

MaybeLogic wrote: »

Except don't do what my mate did one time which was to stick on a porn, inadvertently bought in Amsterdam, tell the girl it's a deadly porn without having watched it and get all riled up with the girl for about 5 minutes before realising it was transexual porn.

you cant beat a bit of the aul tightarse trannies

Millicent

orourkeda wrote: »

shoot off on her baps and rub it in with your arsecheeks

You sir, are the king of the internetz! *hands suspiciously damp/sticky crown* That made me laugh so much!

El Futurismo

Fap a while before. Lots of foreplay. Make it about her.

Diabhal Beag

Post pics

nicegirl

Stee wrote: »

Girls love a bastard, so beat her around for a bit with a sweeping brush first

Sweet Jesus!!!:p

FlutterinBantam

Spud a bagfull of hot jizz in her face for starters.

That loosens them up.

orourkeda

Millicent wrote: »

You sir, are the king of the internetz! *hands suspiciously damp/sticky crown* That made me laugh so much!

Thank you kindly. Unfortunately theres plenty more where that came from

Bonito

Bolag_the_2nd wrote: »

do a shíte on her :eek:

DrumSteve wrote: »

take a poo on her chest.

The two of you are sick individuals!

Millicent

Bonito wrote: »

The two of you are sick individuals!

Hey, hey, I suggested it too with a Wikipedia link and everyfink! Mine even incorporates smushing!

Snas

Should I actually fap beforehand?

My name is URL

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=wolfbagging

Millicent

Snas wrote: »

Should I actually fap beforehand?

Yes but probably best to do it private unless your girlfriend is a lil bit kinky.

Also, ALSO (and this is a public service announcement for all the men here- PAY ATTENTION!), that "radio tuner" thing inexperienced lads seem to be convinced a girl loves, we do not. At all.

That is all.

The Saint

Be prepared to be told "don't worry, it happens all guys".

As a matter of fact, it doesn't.

Professey Chin

Millicent wrote: »

Also, ALSO (and this is a public service announcement for all the men here- PAY ATTENTION!), that "radio tuner" thing inexperienced lads seem to be convinced a girl loves, we do not. At all.

That is all.

Not true.I managed to tune in TodayFM more then once

orourkeda

Snas wrote: »

Ha nah I'm not really expecting very serious answers.

Ok so my expectations have been lowered and I'm avoiding the backdoor!

It should basically be 15 seconds of pain and awkwardness, followed by tears and a break up. Then it's back to good old fashioned fapping.

The thing about using the backdoor is that there is no risk of impregnation. Up the gicker twice the quicker and no babies. Tried and tested

Bonito

Millicent wrote: »

Hey, hey, I suggested it too with a Wikipedia link and everyfink! Mine even incorporates smushing!

I dares ya to google "that's not sexy" then click I'm feeling lucky

Millicent wrote: »

Yes but probably best to do it private unless your girlfriend is a lil bit kinky.

Also, ALSO (and this is a public service announcement for all the men here- PAY ATTENTION!), that "radio tuner" thing inexperienced lads seem to be convinced a girl loves, we do not. At all.

That is all.

What is this radio tuner carry on you speak of? Also Op don't expect her to let you do a bit of cunilingus first time round. Some girls are weird and selfish like that. Why would they deprive themselves of pleasure, I do not know.

Millicent

Ultimate Chin wrote: »

Not true.I managed to tune in TodayFM more then once

Well evidently you are some kind of magician! Although, I don't think I'd be too impressed with having Ray Darcy broadcast on my boobage.

Bonito

Millicent wrote: »

Well evidently you are some kind of magician! Although, I don't think I'd be too impressed with having Ray Darcy broadcast on my boobage.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmotorboat

orourkeda

Snas wrote: »

Should I actually fap beforehand?

Might be an idea. At least it will guarantee that you wont shoot your beans too quickly.

orourkeda

My name is URL wrote: »

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=wolfbagging

I am definitely trying that one.

Bolag_the_2nd

Bonito wrote: »

I dares ya to google "that's not sexy" then click I'm feeling lucky



funk ya Bonito i just spilled me tea, jeasus :eek:

Snas

Feck I've to buy condoms now don't I? That could be awkward.

Millicent

Bonito wrote: »

I dares ya to google "that's not sexy" then click I'm feeling lucky

Argh! Mein eyes! You evil, evil man you! :eek:

Bonito wrote: »

What is this radio tuner carry on you speak of?

This is the practice of taking a lady's nipples and twisting as if trying to manually tune a radio. I dunno if it's cos they reckon that might make them bigger or what?!

Usually results in this face: http://media.filmschoolrejects.com/images/lohan-wtf.jpg

Bonito

orourkeda wrote: »

I am definitely trying that one.

Why?

UrbanDictionary wrote:

Wolfbagging
The act of going out into the woods armed with a Tesco bag and trying to trap a wolf within.

orourkeda

Bonito wrote: »

I dares ya to google "that's not sexy" then click I'm feeling lucky

Awesome

orourkeda

Bonito wrote: »

Why?

Sometimes its worth trying something different

GLaDOS

Snas wrote: »

Feck I've to buy condoms now don't I? That could be awkward.

Nah man, just go into the chemist and buy them, they see it every day and tbh it's better that you're using them than not