Older Dads

LegacyUser

I'm with my partner for almost a year. We are both very much in love and have dicussed the future. He has been clear from the start that we wants a family, as do I. We have a great relationship and I know he'll be a great dad.
However, he is seven years older than me and by the time we get a house together and get marrie (next two years or so), he'll be late 30s or 40. I don't want to have a baby until I'm married. I wonder if he'll be ok with being 40+ with young children. He says he wishes we had met ten years ago, but this isn't possible!!
What age are dads on here? Is 40+ ok or suitable for a first time dad-he might be 50 by the time we have the three or four we want!

simu

He's not that old! From the title of your post, I was expecting a 70 year old! There's nothing very unusual about a 40 something with young kids - don't worry about it.

40 is a perfectly normal age for a man to begin having babies!

There is absolutely nothing to worry about here

Bugnug

Chill out, 40 is a fine age to have kids at and very much the norm these days. Two of my work colleagues have recently had babies one at 43 and the other 39.

Relax and enjoy your relationship and each other cos when the kids arrive its a whole new ball game.

Good luck

Davidth88

I was 44 when my first little one was born

Love every min !


Good luck

stovelid

Judging by my own circle (and extended circle), it's becoming more and more common to have children when you're in your late 30s. I have myself and I've never felt better.

Pretty_Pistol

I don't want to seem like a downer but as a child of an older Dad (late 40's) I think it's kind of selfish to have children after 45.

I love my Dad and he was great when I was growing up. He was very healthy considering his age. But now he is really getting on he seems to be deteriorating quite fast and more than likely won't be around for when any of us have children which makes me sad to think about it.

I know people will say that accidents/disease/death can happen to young parents but I'm just saying this as someone with an older parent.

Quality

I think that as men grow older they learn to have more patience.

Also he will be more settled, As you get older family gets more important.

So these are good things in relation to age.

He is not that old anyway.

My cousin has a child to a 60 year old, he looks like the childs grandfather!! It has been mistakingly said to him a few times too!!:eek:

Dave!

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

I don't want to seem like a downer but as a child of an older Dad (late 40's) I think it's kind of selfish to have children after 45.

I love my Dad and he was great when I was growing up. He was very healthy considering his age. But now he is really getting on he seems to be deteriorating quite fast and more than likely won't be around for when any of us have children which makes me sad to think about it.

I know people will say that accidents/disease/death can happen to young parents but I'm just saying this as someone with an older parent.

If he's around long enough to raise you, then that's his job done... Not sure why your own future children factors into it tbh unless you were hoping he'd babysit from time to time !

Pretty_Pistol

Dave! wrote: »

If he's around long enough to raise you, then that's his job done... Not sure why your own future children factors into it tbh unless you were hoping he'd babysit from time to time !

Yes he raised me but that big of an age gap does matter.

And I think it's a nice thing for a grandparent to be around to meet and have a relationship with their grandkids that's all. I wasn't thinking at all about babysitting or anything like that.

Quality

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

Yes he raised me but that big of an age gap does matter.

And I think it's a nice thing for a grandparent to be around to meet and have a relationship with their grandkids that's all. I wasn't thinking at all about babysitting or anything like that.

I am glad that the age gap didnt matter to him...

Cause if he had your way of thinking you might not be here at all.:eek:

Pretty_Pistol

Quality wrote: »

I am glad that the age gap didnt matter to him...

Cause if he had your way of thinking you might not be here at all.:eek:

The age gap did bother him. My Mam wanted more kids.

metrovelvet

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

Yes he raised me but that big of an age gap does matter.

And I think it's a nice thing for a grandparent to be around to meet and have a relationship with their grandkids that's all. I wasn't thinking at all about babysitting or anything like that.

Yes. ITs also nice if he is still around to see you graduate from college.

It does sadden me that my father is not around to see my son and my son has no grandfather figure in his life.

LegacyUser

Thanks!
Maybe I am making too big a deal about this! Had a chat about it last night and he again said he wishes we had met ten years ago but what can we do!! He had been looking to settle down but our paths just never crossed, so we are where we are.
I asked him how he'd feel if we had an unplanned pregnancy, and he siad delighted, even though we are very careful at the moment and its very unlikely, so at least I know where I stand.
I'll just have to ease up on the "you're so old" jokes!

Elle Collins

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

I don't want to seem like a downer but as a child of an older Dad (late 40's) I think it's kind of selfish to have children after 45.

I love my Dad and he was great when I was growing up. He was very healthy considering his age. But now he is really getting on he seems to be deteriorating quite fast and more than likely won't be around for when any of us have children which makes me sad to think about it.

I know people will say that accidents/disease/death can happen to young parents but I'm just saying this as someone with an older parent.

So what do you suggest men do? Write themselves off as far as fatherhood is concerned at the exact and precise age of 45?

Some people do not meet the person they want to have a family with while both parties are in their mid twenties/early thirties or whatever age it is you deem appropriate to start a family.

Are you saying a person would be better off, rather than having an older dad, never having been born at all? - because for the children of couples who don't meet within your designated timeframe, those are the only two options.

Pretty_Pistol

Elle Collins wrote: »

So what do you suggest men do? Write themselves off as far as fatherhood is concerned at the exact and precise age of 45?

Some people do not meet the person they want to have a family with while both parties are in their mid twenties/early thirties or whatever age it is you deem appropriate to start a family.

Are you saying a person would be better off, rather than having an older dad, never having been born at all? - because for the children of couples who don't meet within your designated timeframe, those are the only two options.

Women have a designated timeframe so why shouldn't men. Just because men have the ability to produce a child later than women doesn't mean that they should. There is a difference between someone in their late 30's having a child compared to someone in their late 40's+.

Quality wrote: »

My cousin has a child to a 60 year old, he looks like the childs grandfather!! It has been mistakingly said to him a few times too!!:eek:

That is unfair on the child. Having an OAP for a parent at 5 yrs old. You don't think that's selfish?

I'm just giving my opinion from the childs perspective. It's not like I'm making some ignorant flippant remark. I know what I'm talking about and I'm just saying how I honestly feel. And I'm not the only child of an older person that thinks like this.

Seeing as this is the parenting forum your more than likely looking at it from the parents perspective only but maybe you should look at it from the opposite point of view for a second to see where I may be coming from.

Noffles

The age starts to show when the kids get a little older, especially in school, other kids would ask why the granddad has turned up etc... My lad is 15 and I'm 40, think that's fine really, will still be able to have a pint with him etc and not look like an old git getting in the way...

50 year olds with young kids is ****e though, for both I would imagine...

Hotblack Desiato

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

Women have a designated timeframe so why shouldn't men.

Because biology works in different ways for men and women, that's why.

Just because men have the ability to produce a child later than women doesn't mean that they should.

Doesn't mean they shouldn't, either.

That is unfair on the child.

If you want to go down that route, will you take into care every child whose parent takes drugs, or drinks too much, or smokes?

seanybiker

40+ is ok. My father was 38 and mother 37 having me and my twin. If you want kids then, in my opinion there is no problem. My twin brothers partner has an aunt that is 49 and she is pregnant now. She will be 50 when the child is born. Fair enough it was a mistake but she seems happy.

Pretty_Pistol

ninja900 wrote: »

Because biology works in different ways for men and women, that's why.

I'm well aware of how biology works for both men and women. Thanks.

ninja900 wrote: »

Doesn't mean they shouldn't, either.

It does if it affects the child and the parents are just thinking of their own wants.

ninja900 wrote: »

If you want to go down that route, will you take into care every child whose parent takes drugs, or drinks too much, or smokes?

Comparing an older parent and a parent that is a drug addict or alcoholic is not even relevent.

You seem to be going against what I'm saying just for the sake of it rather than having an actual point.

Davidth88

Noffles wrote: »

50 year olds with young kids is ****e though, for both I would imagine...

Lord , when I am 50 , my daughter will be 7 .

some of the posts in this thread are actually making me really upset.

Phil D

There's only seven years between you. In ten years time you'll hardly be a spring chicken yourself. Are you planning on getting rid of him over this and waiting a few more years to find someone else, get to know each other, settle down, get a house. By that point you'll be the same age. If you don't want kids by all means don't have them but how does age change anything about your situation?

dolliemix

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

I don't want to seem like a downer but as a child of an older Dad (late 40's) I think it's kind of selfish to have children after 45.

I love my Dad and he was great when I was growing up. He was very healthy considering his age. But now he is really getting on he seems to be deteriorating quite fast and more than likely won't be around for when any of us have children which makes me sad to think about it.

I know people will say that accidents/disease/death can happen to young parents but I'm just saying this as someone with an older parent.

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

Yes he raised me but that big of an age gap does matter.

And I think it's a nice thing for a grandparent to be around to meet and have a relationship with their grandkids that's all. I wasn't thinking at all about babysitting or anything like that.

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

Women have a designated timeframe so why shouldn't men. Just because men have the ability to produce a child later than women doesn't mean that they should. There is a difference between someone in their late 30's having a child compared to someone in their late 40's+.



That is unfair on the child. Having an OAP for a parent at 5 yrs old. You don't think that's selfish?

I'm just giving my opinion from the childs perspective. It's not like I'm making some ignorant flippant remark. I know what I'm talking about and I'm just saying how I honestly feel. And I'm not the only child of an older person that thinks like this.

Seeing as this is the parenting forum your more than likely looking at it from the parents perspective only but maybe you should look at it from the opposite point of view for a second to see where I may be coming from.

To be honest, I think you are the one coming across as selfish. Of course it's sad that your Dad won't be around for ever, but he loved you and took care of you and was brave enough to have you. It sounds like you have a good relationship with him. You have been lucky to have each other for the time you have! Not everybody has that time with loved ones.

Everybody dreads when their parents are going to die, and there's never a right time. If you have loving parents when you are growing up it is a huge blessing.

I think the fact that you would say that your father was selfish to have become your father is strange and offensive.

Imagine yourself at 45+, you are told you are to become a parent. I reckon in that situation the most unselfish thing to do is to have the child! You love the child, sacrifice for the child and never once think 'maybe this was a mistake'. Then the child grows up and says you were selfish to have them because you are old :eek:

It will happen that people over 45 will have children

Davidth88 wrote: »

Lord , when I am 50 , my daughter will be 7 .

some of the posts in this thread are actually making me really upset.

I don't agree at all with what the poster is saying. Babies are little miracles, as you know. 'Old people' aren't old any more. People live longer and are healthier when they are older. It's very common nowadays that people become parents in their late thirties/ forties. Your daughter exists because you choose to have her. That is the wonder of life!:)

metrovelvet

To be balanced here, with the advances in reproductive aids, women are extending their ages too. I know a 57 year old woman who through IVF got an egg donor from a classical violinist and a sperm from a russian truck driver and has a baby girl.

All in the name of the right to pursue happiness.

dolliemix

metrovelvet wrote: »

To be balanced here, with the advances in reproductive aids, women are extending their ages too. I know a 57 year old woman who through IVF got an egg donor from a classical violinist and a sperm from a russian truck driver and has a baby girl.

All in the name of the right to pursue happiness.

lol! How did she know what jobs the donors had?

My friend did IVF and says you don't get any information like that and told me to stop living in 'Friends' world!

metrovelvet

dolliemix wrote: »

lol! How did she know what jobs the donors had?

My friend did IVF and says you don't get any information like that and told me to stop living in 'Friends' world!

It's America. You can pick and choose your donors like you are ordering from Littlewoods.

She specifically wanted music in the background as her first love was a musician. She also wanted a boy and was disappointed when it was a girl and considered termination after spending 60K on the whole thing.

Pretty_Pistol

dolliemix wrote: »

Imagine yourself at 45+, you are told you are to become a parent. I reckon in that situation the most unselfish thing to do is to have the child! You love the child, sacrifice for the child and never once think 'maybe this was a mistake'. Then the child grows up and says you were selfish to have them because you are old :eek:

I wouldn't have a child in my late 40s just like I would'nt have one when I was a teenager.

You can try and sugarcoat it all you want but having a preschooler when hitting your 50's isn't ok.

Noffles

Davidth88 wrote: »

Lord , when I am 50 , my daughter will be 7 .

some of the posts in this thread are actually making me really upset.

Sorry mate, not intended, just my own opinion is all...

Elle Collins

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

I'm just giving my opinion from the childs perspective. It's not like I'm making some ignorant flippant remark. I know what I'm talking about and I'm just saying how I honestly feel. And I'm not the only child of an older person that thinks like this.

Seeing as this is the parenting forum your more than likely looking at it from the parents perspective only but maybe you should look at it from the opposite point of view for a second to see where I may be coming from.

Have you any idea how lucky you are to be the child of an older dad? Have you any idea how lucky you are to have had him all the years you were growing up? Have you any idea how lucky you are to still have your dad? You're upset because (in your view) his age means he won't be around much longer, well here's news - age is no guarantee of how long anyone will be around. I had young parents both of the age you would deem appropriate to start a family and they're both dead - long dead. I am giving my opinion from the childs perspective also. You were lucky, incredibly so, and are just too self-involved to see it.

Sorry but your attitude comes across as extremely selfish and self-centered. It's not enough that your dad gave you life to begin with - he should have timed it so that you got enough of his time as possible! You said earlier that you were well aware of how biology worked for both men and women. I doubt that since you don't seem to have factored the functioning of reproduction into your argument - had your parents had a child ten or fifteen years earlier it wouldn't have been you that was born; it would have been someone else.

I hate arguing and that's not where I want to go with this, but your comments have been offensive to me and hurtful to another poster who is an older dad. Maybe you ought to look at this situation from a different point of view for a second to see where others are coming from.

Jinxi

some people aren't in the position to have children until later in life, both financially and emotionally.
SAYING THAT... my uncle and his partner just had their first children at 54 and 45 respectively. Considering that its a real possiblity that their children will have to consider things like nursing homes and home help when starting out in college is a liitle depressing.

Khannie

Dave! wrote: »

If he's around long enough to raise you, then that's his job done... Not sure why your own future children factors into it tbh unless you were hoping he'd babysit from time to time !

That's a load of muck tbh. My dad had me when he was 40 and died when I was 25. My sisters are a good bit older than me and got 40+ years with him. Their kids got to know their grandfather and mine didn't / wont. etc. etc. Because you spend your teens and early 20's out with your mates (who didn't / doesn't) I didn't really get a chance to know him properly. Also, you're looking at a guy in his late 50's having to deal with a stroppy teenager from time to time. There are definitely downsides.

OP: While there are downsides I wouldn't let it put you off though. Just my 2c.