Short Story Competition 1 (Kim) - Results HERE!

nervous_twitch

Version 15

God, my brain is going to be addled with Kims and green jackets for several weeks. Really enjoyed observing different approaches to the same threadline though; its interesting to see how differently people think.

I voted for #1 and #14.

#1 I really enjoyed; its a labyrinth, very confusing, but gets the reader to engage in the text. I thought it was an emotive piece too, with colloquial but powerful use of language. The style for me simply made it stand out from the rest, which is kind of funny because it was the first in the list. Perhaps a few touches here and there could have made it perfect, but the promise is there!

#14 Initially I wasnt going to go for this, because I thought the plot fairly standard.. nothing too unique about the story. But I read it again yesterday and it was the quality of the writing that stood out for me. It was effective, emotive, and really got me thinking how difficult it must be to drop out of med school with parents who (unwittingly) put huge pressure on their children. It read very smoothly. More originial treatment of the subject might have been welcomed.

special commendation for #3

thanks Pickarooney for organising this, hopefully I can get it on the next one. and thanks to all for their contribution, it was a joy to read!

Mr E

Version 18

I voted for 4 of them.

In Version 7, the aftermath was more interesting for me than the bit in the post office. The build up to the end was very well done.

In Version 13, I liked the little details. The repulsiveness of the green jacket guy was well written (so much so that I didn't feel sorry for him), and the ending stood out.

Version 16 is my favourite. Really well written, great twist and I wanted more. I loved the line "Kim chooses the end of the street that looks brightest." Goosebumps.

Version 17 was good too... I couldn't help picturing Eugene Levy as the caterpillar eyebrows guy, and it changed the whole tone for me.

Pickarooney - put up the next skeleton when you think of a subject .... I loved doing this and I want to write (and read!) more. Some terrific work here by everyone.

davyjose

Version 3

I only voted for one story, and i kinda regret this. Not because it wasn't the correct decision, but there are others that maybe deserved a bit more credit.

Version 2 I thought was the best -- For me, it's got a good plot and is written very well. It jumps immedately into the action with just the right amount of introduction. I liked the plot. The idea of an actual Doctor being there, served to highlight the protagonists inadequacies. not much more to say, other than it carried style and substance the most competently.

I liked version 5. The humour was great, albeit hit and miss (the best things always are). But ultimately i couldn't vote for it because, as everyone knows, Jyväskylä isn't sunny at all. :pac:
15 was very good too. a little self-consciously rough though, but well written and something i enjoyed reading.

So maybe half a vote for the two above. Not one of them was terrible though, which surprised me. a good effort by everyone involved.

MR.E, I still think the winner should choose the next skeleton

tracker-man

I voted for 14, although not logged in at the time (does that make it void?).
It held my attention from start to finish. I thought it was well written, I enjoyed the straightforward language - there was little beating about the bush with overly complicated descriptions. That said, I enjoyed most of the stories, some I really disliked even though they seem to be popular with other Boardsies! I should have voted for 16 too, it was an enjoyable read and interesting approach to the story.

pickarooney

Version 17

tracker-man wrote: »

I voted for 14, although not logged in at the time (does that make it void?).

Your vote counted, just seen as a guest vote.

BroomBurner

Version 18

I've voted for 2, 5 and 17.

Version 2 - I liked the thought process the main character went through while watching what was going on. He knew the theory and got to see it in practice but it was still not enough. I thought it was very human.

Version 5 - this just made me laugh out loud, which was not expected given the skeleton of the story. There are some great lines in that story.

Version 17 - the twist at the end was good, but it was a story very easy to picture. The pace felt like normal time, which made it a bi more realistic than some of the others.

fona

Version 13

I voted for 12 because Werewolf Pirates FTW!

Antilles

Well I guess contratulations are in order for the autor of Version 1

pickarooney

Version 17

Yeah, no need for a recount looking at the number of posts. Really disappointing turnout - Even some of the contestants didn't bother voting.

Let's hope the winner steps forward to reveal him/herself.

Mr E

Version 18

Isn't it up to you to reveal it, pickarooney?

As one of the stories that got no votes, it just makes me want to do better next time. Its nice to be writing again.

Looking forward to the next one (for what its worth, I'm half way through a story based on Oryx's suggestion on the other thread).

--amadeus--

pickarooney wrote: »

Yeah, no need for a recount looking at the number of posts. Really disappointing turnout - Even some of the contestants didn't bother voting.

Let's hope the winner steps forward to reveal him/herself.

First up apologies for not voting - if it's any excuse I have been in Portugal for a wedding and we only came back today. For some reason I thought voting was open until the 12th so was going to vote today (versions 6 and 16 would have got my vote, for what it's worth)

Secondly I am gobsmacked and flattered (and slightly humbled) to have won. Thanks a million to those who voted and took the time to give the valued feedback

Awww schucks!

davyjose

Version 3

Mine was version 14, and I'd like to, first off, congratulate Amadeus for his winning entry. It was a very, very original, smartly structured, and excellently-tempoed piece.

Secondly, I have bottomless appreciation for everyone who voted for my piece. And all the others who said nice things -- "well-written" was a phrase used more than once, and I take tremendous heart from that ... now all I need is an idea, lol

The standard was amazing. Not one entry was unreadable, or poorly written. I can see, maybe, some people were limited by the lack of scope* the skeleton offered us, exacerbated by the word count. Yet every piece was competent, original and unique. I'm genuinely proud to have been a part of this.

23 votes was disappointing though. I must say this. The traffic through this site is more than 23 a bloody week. Amadeus gave his reasons, but any regs here, or folk with an interest in this comp, and pertinently, those who entered, that didn't vote ... 'tis very poor form. I was expecting hundreds of votes. And TBH, AH has been crap lately.

* Not a slight on the creator, Pickarooney, to whom we all owe a pint. What a fantastic boost to this forum, his idea has been, and the tightness of the skeleton really drew the skill out of people, see: our winner.

Thanks,
Dave

davyjose

Version 3

Mr E wrote: »

As one of the stories that got no votes, it just makes me want to do better next time. Its nice to be writing again.

Looking forward to the next one (for what its worth, I'm half way through a story based on Oryx's suggestion on the other thread).

Do you mind me asking which was yours, Mr. E? Perhaps we can give some appraisal in the cold light of day, so to speak. A lot of really well-written pieces were, I believe, over-shadowed by the peacock feathers of others' entries.

A thousand word comp is NOT the best way of sifting out talent.

Memnoch

Version 16

I wonder if the rule that you had to leave feedback for the entries you voted for kept some people from voting. Even though it only takes a minute to write a sentence or two, maybe some people didn't see it that way? I dunno. On the other hand, the idea of just random votes would be a problem and it is nice to get feedback.

Secondly, perhaps the tight skeleton, while a good exercise, might have put off potential readers as so many of the stories were so similar?

Oryx

Version 18

I think the voting problem was the commitment of reading approx 20,000 words. I think people probably balked at that.

Congrats to --amadeus-- I did vote for that story, it really stood out for me. Is there any limit to your talent?

Mine was 16. I was thrilled to get votes and positive commentary. When you write something a part of you always thinks its rubbish, it was great to get feedback here. Though a few people said they didnt vote for it but should have which made me go 'aw nuts'. But the best man won.

Well done to all who took the leap and entered. The standard we got here, as mentioned, was very high. All the stories flowed and were creative and readable. Roll on the next one. Which even though I thought of a skeleton for, I have yet to write.

dawvee

Version 17

I agree that the number of entries probably put some people off when it came to voting, especially with all the stories following the same skeleton. I know for myself, I had to go back several times to remind myself which stories were which before I cast my vote.

It was hard to pick which to vote for, really, there were so many strong entries. Congratulations to --amadeus--, your story really did stand out.

Mine was number 17, and I'd like to thank everyone who voted for it. I was especially pleased at the comments on my version of the Kim character, as I wasn't sure how well it would work, me trying to subvert the skeleton's moral conflict with a totally self-absorbed git. Funny that someone mentioned Eugene Levy for the other guy in the story too -- that's more or less exactly who I had in mind.

Mr E

Version 18

Mine was number 6.

I agree that a more flexible skeleton will lead to much more variety.
Looking forward to the next one.

OldGoat

First, congratulation to all and to Amadeus in particular for a wonderful piece of writing.

Secondly, an appology from me for being amongst the non-voters. I was penning a response to each version and had got to ver 7 when real life took over and kept me away. I'll do better next time, promise!

Thirdly, a big thankyou for some wonderful comments on my piece (#3). Very encouraging - and the double bass reference now has me re-reading Jack Kerouac and listening to Miles Davies

Dublin141

Version 16

Congrats to the winner

It's a pity more people didn't comment or vote but at least the forum had something going on.

pickarooney

Version 17

Congrats to --amadeus-- on winning the inaugural CWSSBOASC

Speech! Speech!

Some points for next time:

The skeleton turned out to be too restrictive. I think it's no coincidence that some of the best-received versions were the ones that did something unique with it but for future competitions a more open idea will work better. We should definitely do something with Oryx's suggestion

Total wordcount was a bit off-putting for readers. Might be an idea to split the submissions into groups, although keeping that fair to everyone is a challenge. Or limit the number of entries to 5/10 and bar anyone from entering two successive comps?

Voting timeframe - was it too short? Those participating were understandably eager to get feedback and a resolution as quickly as possible but realistically expecting a large number of people to commit the time to read 20k words in ten days and comment was a bit much.

The standard - fantastic. I was amazed at how many people entered, particularly members who are not regular writers. Please keep writing!

It was really horrible to see stories getting no votes, especially ones that you very nearly picked yourself, but I hope we can all recognise that none of these pieces was a null-pointer and could, and would have had a good number of votes if I'd handled the voting better.

Antilles

Two things. First, I didn't vote. I had intended to review them all but life got in the way, and my votes wouldn't have changed the result so I didn't rush my ballot in. I'll post commentary when I get home.

Second, maybe next time have a knockout competition, so people only have to read two at a time? Might make people more willing to read and vote!

pickarooney

Version 17

Pass

The hands of the clock point to quarter to two
As a smartly-dressed student stands bored in the queue
For the last place in town doing foreign exchange
Buying bahts for Bangkok a week after her sex change

At the top of the line there's a red-faced old codger
In a threadbare green coat; the squat coffin dodger
Seems lost and confused and bewildered or... ill
The teller is waiting, the small man stands still

A girl with an iPod who's listening to Weezer
Silently screams as she sees the old geezer
Go down in a heap on the post office floor
And sprawl on the tiles while Kim tries to ignore
His evident need for medical attention
Figuring she, with the best of intentions
Would only succeed in making things worse
Her two years of studying not worth a curse
Charts and procedures learned chapter and verse
No use to her now, the old man needs a nurse
Or a priest by the look of him, maybe a hearse
Kim stands staring and stalling, still clutching her purse

The old man begins wincing, perhaps he has cramps?
While those with no interest queue up for their stamps
A boy of fifteen takes the hand of his gramps
And pleads for somebody to call Amber Lamps

His face deathly pale - the old man has anemia!
His neck is all swollen - advanced septicemia!
With blotching consistent with stomach ischemia
Or the giveaway symptoms of chronic bulimia!

Kim clears her throat: "I'm a doctor, of sorts,
(But my specialty really is genital warts
And tears and luxations from physical sports -
You'd be most uninmpressed by my mid-term reports)"

She quickly performs a perfunctory check
Of his heartbeat, his breathing, the pulse in his neck
"Is he on medication, pills or injections?
Does he sometimes complain of pains and infections?
How old is he? Have these things happened before?
Does he often end up in a heap on the floor?"

The sweat on the man's brow is forming and cooling
While under his body Kim feels something pooling
Could Guillain-Barré be the cause of his drooling?
Or mononucleo... oh, who is she fooling?

Suddenly something becomes quite apparent
The puddle of liquid below is transparent
He's soaked from the waist down, his sickly perfume
Is the tang of fresh urine! Kim has to presume
That he's pissed, slipped and fallen and now his embarrassment
(compounded by borderline sexual harrassment)
At being manhandled in front of his friends
By a stranger, the day he forgot his Depends
Is killing him softly - she's partly to blame
He looks like he's literally dying of shame

To cover his blushes she takes off her jacket -
Which cost her the bulk of her last month's pay packet -
And wraps it around him while using the sleeves
To soak up the puddle, then gets up and leaves
As the ambulance team now arrives on the scene
She can let them take over; her conscience is clean

Outside as her stomach uncoils from its knot
It suddenly dawns on her: ****, I forgot!
My money, ah screw it I'll change it in Thailand
I can't wait till I'm roasting my toes on some island
Surrounded by coconuts, cocktail in hand
Nothing to do but lie out in the sand
This doctor crack really just isn't for me
I'd sooner be up to my neck in the sea
Her mind is made up now, she'll never return
To the hospital wards. Kim has just one concern
If her parents find out, they'll most likely disown her
(her father's a tyrant, her mother's a moaner)
And just like her brother, that ne'er-do-well stoner
She'll have to go on living life as a loner

"At least," she consoles herself, shaking her head,
"There'll be no more exams. Christ, I'd rather be dead!"

ToasterSparks

Version 18

Mine was Version 15.

As others have said, the standard was excellent. I only voted for one entry and regretted this afterward! I enjoyed reading all the entries, but as has been said, the restrictive outline did make some entries a little repetitive.

Thanks for the comments on mine, and I fully agree with my shaky use of first person. The constructive comments really helped me look at my mistakes and learn from them. The competition is a great way for people to hone their skills and learn from everyone's good and bad points. I'd love to have the competition every month and it motivates me to write and gets my mind working on something writing-related.

Again, congrats to everyone! --amadeus-- especially!


Maybe we should all start our own online writing group!

--amadeus--

Thanks for the congrats folks

I like the idea of a knockout, maybe do it like the football and have groups of 4 - 6 stories with the top two going into the next pool. I have to admit that the stories did begin to swim into each other a bit after a while (being first in line was a huge advantage and it shows how good #16 was to poll so well even though it was towards the end). A smaller selection of stories would also lift that barrier.

I actually liked the tightly restrictive skeleton and word restrictions, it meant that you had to work to come up with something distinctive but it is more competition writing than creative writing in that case, perhaps.

BroomBurner

Version 18

--amadeus-- wrote: »

I actually liked the tightly restrictive skeleton and word restrictions, it meant that you had to work to come up with something distinctive but it is more competition writing than creative writing in that case, perhaps.

As a long-time lurker to this forum, and someone that didn't submit any story, I quite liked the restrictive skeleton for the reason above. The fact that a lot of the stories ran in to each other and became less distinctive meant that the ones that stuck out, did so very definitively.

Congratulations Amadeus!

ToasterSparks

Version 18

*clip*

pickarooney

Version 17

You seem to be inviting people to enter the competition via your blog rather than through boards.ie. I'm not really sure I see the point of the site to be honest. Would a sticky thread on here with links to any competitions we run on site not serve the same purpose?

ToasterSparks

Version 18

Yeah, you're dead right Pickarooney.

No sense in confusing things! I scrapped it, and edited my post above. I think KISS is the best option.


Do you think the Twitter page might be of any use in promoting the competitions of the future?

pickarooney

Version 17

In as much as I don't "get" Twitter I can't say for certain, but sure, why not.

I'm unstickying this and reverting to the original thread for discussion on the next compo.

HalloweenJack

Version 16

First off, congrats to amadeus.

Secondly, I wrote story 13. I planned the ending when I started it (seen as a lot of people commented on that). I was delighted to get a vote and some of the comments were very nice. I will bear them in mind for the next competition.