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Unsure What To Do

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  • 07-04-2010 12:23pm
    #1
    Unsure Guy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭


    I'm a 25 year old male living just north of the border. Recently I received a message on a gay dating website from a guy who lives quite close to me and we got chatting for a while and got on great. He revealed to me though that he is not 18 as his profile states, but in fact he is 16. Now, the age of consent in NI is 16, but I am unsure about meeting up with him or doing anything sexual with him.

    We do get on fine when chatting but he has mentioned that he would like it if we met up sometime soon for a chat but he hinted at maybe doing some other things too. Now, I'm all for a friendly chat but as for going any further I'm just concerned. He certainly doesn't look 16, not that that matters, but from chatting to him it is clear he has some problems in his life and as I can identify with them I would love to chat to him and support him about those and be friends and basically help him through some of the things he has going on in his life (God knows I wish I had someone to talk to when I was younger about things, it would have made my teens much more bearable). But I just don't know how I would react if he made the first move for something. I don't wan't to reject him and make him feel bad, but if I did go along with whatever it was he tried to initiate, I'd feel really awkward about being with someone who, although they may not look it, is still only 16.

    The age gap is a real pity, we both like each other and get on well, it's just the whole age thing. If he was a few years older or I a few years younger there wouldn't be a problem. Any words of widsom guys and gals?


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    #2
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,062 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Talk to him about your concerns

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #3
    Dwn Wth Vwls
    Registered Users Posts: 401 ✭✭Dwn Wth Vwls


    I hate to be so cynical and sceptical, but you don't know for sure that he's 16 either. He lied once, he could easily have lied again. If you meet him and reject his advances, he could make life a lot more complicated for you.

    If you just want to support him, you can do that online, you don't have to meet him. He's a hormonal teenager who's unhappy with his life, he's not really thinking clearly about what's best for him. You're the adult here, so you need to take responsibility. Do you really think it's wise to be friends with him in person?


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    #4
    Unsure Guy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭Unsure Guy


    He only lied about his age to be able to sign up to the website and make contact with other local gay fellas to talk to. I don't believe he is evil or twisted or is some 14 year old on a mission to trap me and get me arrested. He lives literally just down the road from me and has several family members I know of who live in the houses around mine, one is even my next door neighbour. I will try and talk to him online and see if anything can be done that way, but it is him who has mentioned meeting up soon a few times already and we've only been talking for not even a week.

    He was even telling me about another guy he met last week who basically forced themselves upon him and he has sort of closed himself off to most people apart from myself and I don't want to further his bad feelings by telling him no and making him think he has no-one to talk to or confide in. I'm sure hearing someone say "it's OK" in person or a gentle pat or hug is far more comforting than reading it online, and also a lot more quicker than having to type it out and wait for answers.

    I'd love to help the guy out, I'm just not sure what the best way about doing it is and if engaging in anything other than a chat is a wise decision.


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey listen I've been there and done thats as the 16 y/o
    when I did it The fella was grand but afterwards I still felt so used and awkward about it :(

    Try and talk to him about it. 16 is not old enough to decide on a sexual relationship with a stranger. I thought it was but i was wrong :(


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    #6
    Dwn Wth Vwls
    Registered Users Posts: 401 ✭✭Dwn Wth Vwls


    Unsure Guy wrote: »
    He ... lied about his age
    Unsure Guy wrote: »
    He lives literally just down the road from me and has several family members ... one is even my next door neighbour.
    Unsure Guy wrote: »
    it is him who has mentioned meeting up soon a few times already and we've only been talking for not even a week.
    Unsure Guy wrote: »
    He was even telling me about another guy he met last week who basically forced themselves upon him
    Unsure Guy wrote: »
    I don't want to further his bad feelings by telling him no

    These are red flags. It just seems like you're projecting your own troubled youth onto this guy, and you want to rush in as the white knight and save him.

    He on the other hand, is messaging guys 10 years older than him, trying to meet them immediately, and hinting at sex. Teenagers with unhappy lives do not make mature sensible decisions.


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    #7
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,062 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Just keep talking online - tell him you don't want to rush into meeting up, that you will consider but just not yet.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #8
    Chuchoter
    Registered Users Posts: 4,305 ✭✭✭Chuchoter


    Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »
    I hate to be so cynical and sceptical, but you don't know for sure that he's 16 either. He lied once, he could easily have lied again. If you meet him and reject his advances, he could make life a lot more complicated for you.

    If you just want to support him, you can do that online, you don't have to meet him. He's a hormonal teenager who's unhappy with his life, he's not really thinking clearly about what's best for him. You're the adult here, so you need to take responsibility. Do you really think it's wise to be friends with him in person?

    I agree. You're 9 years older than him (at least if he's still not lying) he could get you into soooo much trouble. You should direct him to guys more his own age and tell him to go to a gay youth group instead.


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    #9
    TylerIE
    Registered Users Posts: 1,635 ✭✭✭TylerIE


    Unsure Guy wrote: »
    I'm a 25 year old male living just north of the border. Recently I received a message on a gay dating website from a guy who lives quite close to me and we got chatting for a while and got on great. He revealed to me though that he is not 18 as his profile states, but in fact he is 16. Now, the age of consent in NI is 16, but I am unsure about meeting up with him or doing anything sexual with him.

    We do get on fine when chatting but he has mentioned that he would like it if we met up sometime soon for a chat but he hinted at maybe doing some other things too. Now, I'm all for a friendly chat but as for going any further I'm just concerned. He certainly doesn't look 16, not that that matters, but from chatting to him it is clear he has some problems in his life and as I can identify with them I would love to chat to him and support him about those and be friends and basically help him through some of the things he has going on in his life (God knows I wish I had someone to talk to when I was younger about things, it would have made my teens much more bearable). But I just don't know how I would react if he made the first move for something. I don't wan't to reject him and make him feel bad, but if I did go along with whatever it was he tried to initiate, I'd feel really awkward about being with someone who, although they may not look it, is still only 16.

    The age gap is a real pity, we both like each other and get on well, it's just the whole age thing. If he was a few years older or I a few years younger there wouldn't be a problem. Any words of widsom guys and gals?


    I think putting him in touch with professional help or support groups for whatever issues may be more appropriate.

    Furthermore if he is from South of the Border the Irish age of consent applies. AFAIK this applies if he travels North to meet an individual over age ie the age in either the juristiction of the offender or the "victim". [Mods I aint from a legal background but the advice im giving errs on the side of caution so I am happy to stand by same. Id looked it up last year as I was aware of a similar youth beside me who was suggeting to individuals going to Newry for the night].

    If your in his company, if your neighbours find out, if the family members you know find out, if you come to like the guy, if you start to sympathise with him heavily, if if if, so so so much can go wrong and you could be ruined...

    If your just across the border in Co. Down the individual would be much better seeking support from the structures in Dundalk etc... If you do want info on services available down South PM me and Il dig up the info.


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Are you sure the age of consent in NI is the same as Britain? I thought age of consent and abortion are some of the few things the free state and the 6 counties were in agreement on


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    #11
    Donnaghm
    Registered Users Posts: 299 ✭✭Donnaghm


    Those dating websites are so crap. People are either sexually repressed, 40 years your senior or underage. I've had no luck with them.


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    #12
    Unsure Guy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭Unsure Guy


    He lives just down the road so he is north of the border too. I think I'm going to let him alone and suggets he speak to someone else for any health/mental issues, if anything I will be a friend, and online only at that.


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    #13
    keepkeyyellow
    Registered Users Posts: 705 ✭✭✭keepkeyyellow


    Leave it seriously. I was one of those 16 year olds who 'dated' guys 10 years older than me off those dating sites and thought I was mature enough for it but I wasn't, the guy needs to get off that website and meet guys his own age.


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