how long did it take you to get over ex

emeraldgreen

i was in a long long relationship, and for a number of reasons a couple of months ago we broke up. on top of different factors, things just seemed to have run their course. we were not married, but living together for a number of years, no kids.
problem is, couple of months later and i still cant get over it. i realise the things that annoyed me about him, i loved. i miss the company something terrible. feel so bloody lonely. i still find myself getting tearful quite a bit. not really having much contact with him, which i dont know if this is causing me to be more hurt, or is probably better not to have contact.
anyway im just wondering, in your experience, how long did u feel sh** for?? i swear, would love to wave a magic wand and just 'be over it'. will admit, i am getting slightly better, but couple months later thought i should have been at least not getting as tearful. just wondering about other peoples experiences?

gagiteebo

Hi EmeraldGreen,
Firstly I am sorry to hear that you are hurting so much and I know it seems like a cliche but time is a great healer. I was with my ex for a number of years, I loved him more than I thought I could love anyone, he was my soulmate...or so I thought....things turned very sour for a number of reasons and he left me for someone else. He'd been cheating on me throughout our relationship....but there was much more crap involved.

When it ended it felt like the bottom of my world had been pulled away and I struggled to see how I would ever be back to myself again, how I would ever feel normal again while he seemed to be fine. I felt like you do now, lonely, cried so much I physically couldn't anymore, couldn't eat, sleep etc...it was a dark time but gradually I started to feel better...I can't pinpoint when that happened, cerrtainly wasn't overnight but it did happen! It wasn't easy, everyone's different in how they cope with things but it tool me the guts of a year to begin to feel like the person I was before I met him. The hardest part for me was just not having him around even though I still loved him but that too fades.

You will get through it believe me Just do whatever it takes to look after yourself...counselling, exercise...whatever...different things for different people!

It will happen and you'll wonder why you ever felt like this in the first place xxx

Good luck x If you need someone to chat to don't hesitate to pm me ok

Giselle

I think a couple of months isn't very long to give yourself.

It took me a year to get over a heartbreak, and it left scars.

Don't let the fact that you're lonely make you double think and settle for something you shouldn't, rather than face being alone.

Abi

emeraldgreen wrote: »

i was in a long long relationship, and for a number of reasons a couple of months ago we broke up. on top of different factors, things just seemed to have run their course. we were not married, but living together for a number of years, no kids.
problem is, couple of months later and i still cant get over it. i realise the things that annoyed me about him, i loved. i miss the company something terrible. feel so bloody lonely. i still find myself getting tearful quite a bit. not really having much contact with him, which i dont know if this is causing me to be more hurt, or is probably better not to have contact.
anyway im just wondering, in your experience, how long did u feel sh** for?? i swear, would love to wave a magic wand and just 'be over it'. will admit, i am getting slightly better, but couple months later thought i should have been at least not getting as tearful. just wondering about other peoples experiences?

Sorry to hear about your split, but you do need to give yourself some time. You say you with you were with your ex a very long time, well you have to realise that this is not going to be an easy void to fill. I know its going to sound like a very strange analogy, but its how I visualise people getting over LTR's ...if you can imagine if you've just had a molar removed.. and for some time it leaves a big gap, but it does eventually close up.. Told you it was weird.. but hope it makes some kind of sense

Theres no magic wand. Only you and time will lessen the pain. When you spend a long time with someone, you're not just with someone... your lives merge and you become part of every part of each others lives. What you need to do is to start re-forming one of your own again. Make sure you keep yourself busy and get out with friends as much as you can. As unappealing as that might sound, you have to make changes for yourself.

I'm the one that ended things with my ex, but because I thought it ran its course and he wanted me to be something I'm not. Hes far from over us, and I guess behind the jealousy and invasiveness in my life, I suppose he just has no direction because we spent so much time together before.

I think thats key here.. you need a direction - of your own, because the one you had before had him in it. If I were you I'd look into all kinds of aims / goals / interests you have at the back of your mind, and try for as many of them as possible. I left my job for full time college, and the friends I've made... love them all! You mightnt be in a position to do that, but think of other ways in which to create a friends pool / life thats just yours.

You've a bit of a journey ahead of you, but find a little bit of fight and I'm sure soon you will feel like a strong independant woman, ready for whatever the world has to throw at you

Penny Dreadful

I feel like a total bitch for saying that I was pleased (perhaps too strong a word) to see your thread OP because it is just how I feel and its good to know I'm not alone in experiencing this. I broke up with my boyfriend last November/December after ten and a half years together, six of which we lived together. There had been about two years of "we will get married ........soon, I love you more than anyone........I want to spend the rest of my life with you I'm just not ready to get married yet.......maybe next year"........and on and on it went. I loved him so much I turned myself in etc etc etc. We did the counselling thing and everything and while in the end he said yes to getting married I knew it side out for him, waiting and being patientwasn't right and ended it.
At first I was hyper ok, got together with this other guy twice which was weird and I think my situation freaked him out. Then Christmas came, he got together with someone else which, although I didn't want to be in a relationship with the new guy, shook me because it was another guy who didn't want me. I papered over the the cracks and tried to carry on but lately I've just fallen to bits and I can't believe it and how its snuck up on me.
It was triggered by a work situation where I was promised a big promotion and a nice pay rise that would go along with that. Now it turns out the promotion isn't as straight forward as it seemed and even though I'm still in line for it there will be a pay cut implemented soon and I'm going to be down €200 min after tax and now on top of everything I've got money worries as I'm still living in the house we shared together.
I'm crying at the drop of a hat and feel like a zombie and although the rational part of my brain sees me as an accomplished, clever, fit, healthy, attractive, 32 year old woman I feel shattered inside. I wonder how on earth I'm ever going to trust my own judgement in any man ever again. I was with one guy whose love I trusted in and yet somehow I wasn't enough for him and ..................well just where the hell do I go from here.
OP maybe we should set up an "Amputated Souls Club". Ten years was a lifetime and I never ever saw us apart and never prepared for it. :(

dirwin2

I know this sounds bad but im now engaged to be married - been in this relationship for last 6 years but I havent still got over my previous partner - however i know my ex and I would never have worked out - i still think alot about what could have been.

gagiteebo

dirwin2 wrote: »

I know this sounds bad but im now engaged to be married - been in this relationship for last 6 years but I havent still got over my previous partner - however i know my ex and I would never have worked out - i still think alot about what could have been.

No it doesn't sound bad so don'tbe too hard on yourself ok, I can understand where you are coming from. You know that it would never have worked out with your ex so you did what was best for you in the long run When someone is a major part of your life for a long time it's hard to totally forget about them, you made a connection with them, you share memories and experiences good and bad, you're not a robot.

mollymascara

Sorry to read that there are a few going through the mill at the moment

When I split from my ex, it took a long time to get over it. For me personally, it felt like a huge loss, as if a loved one had died (this may sound dramatic), but that is how it was for me. I'd go from feeling angry about the split, both at myself and at him, then Id find myself in tears, Id tell myself I didnt care, that I was over it, and then Id get that big ol slap in the face out of nowhere and I felt like I was back at square one, going through it all, all over again, swinging from one feeling to another, but over time, I came to realise and accept, that it was a huge loss in my life and that it was okay to feel the way I did, and allowed myself to feel it, and not kick myself for not being able to move on as quickly as some might have. Its different for everyone. I took my time to grieve the loss, didnt rush into anything new, leaned on a couple of friends if I needed to, as they said to me, "thats what we are here for"

Abi

dirwin2 wrote: »

I know this sounds bad but im now engaged to be married - been in this relationship for last 6 years but I havent still got over my previous partner - however i know my ex and I would never have worked out - i still think alot about what could have been.

That is called 'settling'. You know how you feel but the person you're engaged to doesn't, not really fair. As much as it might hurt them at the moment, I think you should get out. Knowingly going into a marraige with someone you see will only ever be your second best? Just no.


You need to press the reset button, spend some time on your own before you can move on with someone new. Not being over someone and going into a marraige is going to be an expensive and messy disaster for you to get out of.

Sparky

About 4 months!

Thing is it was more of a time apart from each other due to change of geographical location causing all sorts of complications, but it was never going to happen as we both have different directions on life.

It is hard to get over the fact that the person whom you seen and talked to all the time is not around and you think that they were all that you had. But ya move on and it gets easier. Someone will come around eventually that will rock your world again.

dlofnep

A few months and I'm good!

Pyr0

Still not over my last ex really, it's been about 10 months or so. Pretty much feel the same as the OP at times, thankfully it isn't all the time like it used to be. It's getting easier as time goes on of course, I just can't see myself being completely unaffected by it for a long while now. I keep thinking about how it could have been if I did "X" or said "Y", some bad feelings re-surface every now and again so it's like a circle. It's definately left scars, I know that for sure. That's life I suppose, goes well in some ways but f*cks you over in others !

Love is a bitch !

princess-lala

We broke up (I did the finishing) hoping he would sort himself out, 3 weeks later he was dead! Thats 2 years ago and Im still struggling and have never "dated" anyone since!

jellie

some people say it takes at least half the time you were together to get over someone. it took me longer. but im finally getting there. didnt think i ever would, thought i would feel the pain forever, but it slowly fades, and 1 day you realise "hey, i cant really remember what it is about him i was actually missing".

everyone does it in their own time though, everyones different, just like every relationship is different.

Penny Dreadful

jellie wrote: »

some people say it takes at least half the time you were together to get over someone. it took me longer. but im finally getting there. didnt think i ever would, thought i would feel the pain forever, but it slowly fades, and 1 day you realise "hey, i cant really remember what it is about him i was actually missing".

everyone does it in their own time though, everyones different, just like every relationship is different.

Jesus! Thats 5 years more for me so. 5 more years of this is not on my agenda. Love sucks, there you go, opening yourself up to someone, get dumped on and left alone with your bleeding heart. Fabulous.

Penny Dreadful

princess-lala wrote: »

We broke up (I did the finishing) hoping he would sort himself out, 3 weeks later he was dead! Thats 2 years ago and Im still struggling and have never "dated" anyone since!

Bloody hell:eek: Poor you.

Novella

princess-lala wrote: »

We broke up (I did the finishing) hoping he would sort himself out, 3 weeks later he was dead! Thats 2 years ago and Im still struggling and have never "dated" anyone since!

Really sorry to hear that, Lala *huge hugs*

princess-lala

Thanks guys, it will take some man to fill his shoes

Penny Dreadful

I feel like us girls should get together for a drinks and mutual moral support session. ..........am half joking and half serious??????

princess-lala

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

I feel like us girls should get together for a drinks and mutual moral support session. ..........am half joking and half serious??????

Come on over to the Find a friend chat thread - we meet up

Penny Dreadful

princess-lala wrote: »

Come on over to the Find a friend chat thread - we meet up

I think I will. I need new people in my life. I have the most amazing family who have been brilliant though all of this with me but they are flummoxed at the moment. What I need is the company of some people who have been here as you (other unfortunate souls) seem to be/have been. All of my friends are either married or in long term relationships and just don't get this........heading over to Find a Friend, is it in the LL forum?

jellie

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Jesus! Thats 5 years more for me so. 5 more years of this is not on my agenda. Love sucks, there you go, opening yourself up to someone, get dumped on and left alone with your bleeding heart. Fabulous.

i had that fcuking hell that long?! reaction too. though in my case it was a 2yr relationship, and i was thinking omg how can it take a year. turns out it took longer (due to a lot of messiness in the mean time)

Lynnsie

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

I think I will. I need new people in my life. I have the most amazing family who have been brilliant though all of this with me but they are flummoxed at the moment. What I need is the company of some people who have been here as you (other unfortunate souls) seem to be/have been. All of my friends are either married or in long term relationships and just don't get this........heading over to Find a Friend, is it in the LL forum?

I know how you feel, I also had a break up a few months ago after 6 years and people have been fantastic but would love to meet new people too.

Yes it's in the Ladies Lounge, introduce yourself on the find a friend thread and then join the chat!

Snoopy1

I broke up with my ex in January. We were due to get married this October.
As a result ive moved to a whole new area, and dont really know anyone.
I understand how you feel. I feel really tearful still, and what makes it worse whenever i feel upset i ring him, and he has to comfort me!!!

gagiteebo

Abitar wrote: »

That is called 'settling'. You know how you feel but the person you're engaged to doesn't, not really fair. As much as it might hurt them at the moment, I think you should get out. Knowingly going into a marraige with someone you see will only ever be your second best? Just no.


You need to press the reset button, spend some time on your own before you can move on with someone new. Not being over someone and going into a marraige is going to be an expensive and messy disaster for you to get out of.

I agree, while you can't help the way you feel and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it it is not fair on your OH. Everyone deserves to be with someone that worships the ground they walk on.

gagiteebo

Pyr0 wrote: »

Still not over my last ex really, it's been about 10 months or so. Pretty much feel the same as the OP at times, thankfully it isn't all the time like it used to be. It's getting easier as time goes on of course, I just can't see myself being completely unaffected by it for a long while now. I keep thinking about how it could have been if I did "X" or said "Y", some bad feelings re-surface every now and again so it's like a circle. It's definately left scars, I know that for sure. That's life I suppose, goes well in some ways but f*cks you over in others !

Love is a bitch !

I hear ya! It definitely does leave scars and as hard as I try not to I have issues with trusting men now because of what happened to me. I think I'm fine but the whole thing changed me if I'm being honest. I've built so many walls around me it's going to take someone with a lot of patience and tenderness to knock them down and I'm not sure if I'll ever find that.

Love is a bitch :mad:

Pyr0

gagiteebo wrote: »

I think I'm fine but the whole thing changed me if I'm being honest. I've built so many walls around me it's going to take someone with a lot of patience and tenderness to knock them down and I'm not sure if I'll ever find that.

Love is a bitch :mad:

I'm the same in that sense, I feel changed because of it. Get really scared at the thought of trusting someone like that again, it will happen at some point again of course. Everyone says they'll never find it after the last time but they do eventually ! And you will too !

gagiteebo

Pyr0 wrote: »

I'm the same in that sense, I feel changed because of it. Get really scared at the thought of trusting someone like that again, it will happen at some point again of course. Everyone says they'll never find it after the last time but they do eventually ! And you will too !

Thanks Pyro Here's hoping we both find someone deserving of us eh

Snoopy1

Pyr0 wrote: »

I'm the same in that sense, I feel changed because of it. Get really scared at the thought of trusting someone like that again, it will happen at some point again of course. Everyone says they'll never find it after the last time but they do eventually ! And you will too !

I really hope so

Nervous Wreck

Three and a half years.

ToniTuddle

Nearly 4 years....and still counting!

And I still haven't been able to commit to a new relationship even though people have tried.
Most I lasted was about 3 or 4 dates and then I disappeared from their lives! Now I seem to be in the phase of one kiss and I've legged it out the door away from them

I do actually believe I will fall in love again just haven't a clue when it will happen but need to get my own head sorted big time.

We were both unprepared for the whole love thing and it screwed us over in the end. We were both in the wrong many times.

Bonito

Depends on how you define on getting over them IMO.

For some people getting over an ex could merely be not having to have contact with them anymore whereas for others, it could be when you stop thinking about them/getting that lump in your throat/reminiscing about "the good times" and even thinking about the "What could have been."

I don't think you can ever really have a mutual "I think we should break up." What about people who cheat and then either get dumped or dump their partner? Have they detached any amount of feelings for their partner while they're even still in a relationship? In essence have they gotten over them within the walls of their relationship?

pinkpigs

Hey Penny Dreadful.

I can identify with you. I'm the same coming out of a 12 year realationship. Every day is hard. I'm going through so many emotions. Sometime I still love him to bits and other days I almost hate him as I'm not really sure that I'll get another shot at finding someone who ticks all my boxes and wants the same things that I want. (i'm almost 35 and kinda feel like all the goods guys are taken) I expect I'll be like this for a few months. I'm giving myself a year before I venture down the road of realationships again, I don't think it's fair starting something with someone until you head and your hear is in the right place.

PP

Shivers26

I would imagine the longer the relationship the harder its going to be. Its only been a couple of months OP so give yourself time.

My OH broke up with me last December and at the time I thought I would never get over it. I had a moment of acceptance after a couple of weeks and even though I was devastated I knew I would be able to move on. We have since got back together and things are going great (I think the break was actually a good thing in hindsight). I did find the book 'Its Called a Breakup because its Broken' by Greg Behrendt a huge help though when I was going through the hard times.

pow wow

About a year. A year of thinking of him every single day. Ugh, still shudder when I think about it. After that I just woke up one day and it was okay, almost like the flick of a switch. Nothing strange happened, I just felt I'd done enough 'missing' him - he was gone and he wasn't coming back, and forever is a long time to be sad.

A the time I thought it would never get better and everything was kinda under the shadow of it so to speak. Glad to say it's over now and we're sortof distant friends. And no, no missing him anymore.

Chin up

Pembily

Was with him 4 years, broke up 3 weeks ago, the love was gone but I really miss parts of the relationship. I can get so lonely but I keep telling myself not to settle and ye are right to say that - thanks!!!!

I hope it gets easier...

Snoopy1

I think im getting worse. Ive rang my ex every day in the last two weeks!!!!

Pembily

Snoopy1 wrote: »

I think im getting worse. Ive rang my ex every day in the last two weeks!!!!

I find it easier when I don't talk to him but he wants to talk and I feel I should as I was the dumpee...

But I defo feel betterish when I don't talk or meet up!

rainbow kirby

Not that long, but then again my last relationship was relatively short.

me_right_one

Never. We're together now though, after 11 years:p

punkindrublic

I ended things with all of my exes so I was kind of over them when it ended. One guy I had a "thing" with (not a proper relationship though apparently he was in love with me) I ended it
but only because he treated me like sh*t, it took me 2months to start getting over him but I have a thing for bad boys lately it seems so I think that's why it was a lil harder!

Ickle Magoo

Depends how things ended...if it was a case of me falling out of love/lust and ending things then pretty quickly. When he ended things out of the blue it took much longer - it also depends on the length and depth of the relationship...a short but intense relationship left a bigger impression on me than a long and not particularly interesting one...

The good news is you do get over them all, or at least, you learn to live without them.

hyperbaby

my 6 year and a quarter relationship, it took me probably a year to get over it. i can't look or talk to him to this day.

and my almost 2 year and a half relationship, well i'm getting over that, but i am extremely bitter and angry about that so i am working on it.

don't be too hard on yourself, sometimes it takes ages to get over a past love. everyone takes a long time to heal

sleepyescapade

My longterm one took me only a few months really of acting like a complete idiot but at the time it feels like an age. The Christmas holidays from college at the time helped signficantly, just got completely over it then.

The thought of my now oh becoming an ex makes me feel sick That would take so so long to get over.

shoes34

I feel I'll never get over him - he told me just an hour ago that even thought we get on great and have an amazing physical relationship he doesn't think we are compatible - what is compatability - he liked the fact that I wasn't a nag and let him do his thing and vice versa - my heart is in bits and he was the love of my life.

Penny Dreadful

pinkpigs wrote: »

Hey Penny Dreadful.

I can identify with you. I'm the same coming out of a 12 year realationship. Every day is hard. I'm going through so many emotions. Sometime I still love him to bits and other days I almost hate him as I'm not really sure that I'll get another shot at finding someone who ticks all my boxes and wants the same things that I want. (i'm almost 35 and kinda feel like all the goods guys are taken) I expect I'll be like this for a few months. I'm giving myself a year before I venture down the road of realationships again, I don't think it's fair starting something with someone until you head and your hear is in the right place.

PP

You're right about not getting involved with someone too soon. I had a brief fling with this other guy immediately after I broke up with my boyfriend and it was a bad bad idea on so many levels. Great sex but that was the only great thing really now that I look back on it. I met another guy at a table quiz a while ago and he got my number and we had organised to go on a date but in the end I cancelled it as I just realised that I was in no way ready to go there again and it would have been such a bad idea. Was nice that I pulled though all the same, a little reassurance that a girl still has it is never a bad thing.

Snoopy1 wrote: »

I think im getting worse. Ive rang my ex every day in the last two weeks!!!!

I go through phases of this too Snoopy. When something in particular is troubling me I really feel a strong need to call him and too often end up either doing that or texing him. It never really makes things better though as now that we're apart a) he can't give me the reassurance and comfort that he could before and b) some of the stuff that is upsetting me and causing hassle is down to the fact that we are apart in the first place and although I was the one who ended it ulitmately I was messed around by him a lot and...........well on and on it goes.

gagiteebo

shoes34 wrote: »

I feel I'll never get over him - he told me just an hour ago that even thought we get on great and have an amazing physical relationship he doesn't think we are compatible - what is compatability - he liked the fact that I wasn't a nag and let him do his thing and vice versa - my heart is in bits and he was the love of my life.

Oh honey my heart went out to you when I read this, I've been there, felt like you do now but it will get easier I promise, it won't be easy but it will happen! It doesn't last forever

Panthro

really wish i didnt chat to the ex via facebook chat thing,
went and set myself back nearly 5 months
jaysus, it hurts

Penny Dreadful

papagormo wrote: »

really wish i didnt chat to the ex via facebook chat thing,
went and set myself back nearly 5 months
jaysus, it hurts

When I broke up with my ex I deleted him as a Friend from Facebook. It would have been too weird for him to be able to read stuff on my wall and check up on me (if he had been so inclined). Also it removed one way of chatting to him too easily.
It really is odd how something that can't be seen can hurt so much all right.

Bonito

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

When I broke up with my ex I deleted him as a Friend from Facebook. It would have been too weird for him to be able to read stuff on my wall and check up on me (if he had been so inclined). Also it removed one way of chatting to him too easily.
It really is odd how something that can't be seen can hurt so much all right.

My ex of 2 and a half years added me 3 months after we broke up. Just letting me know she was engaged.

princess-lala

Bonito wrote: »

My ex of 2 and a half years added me 3 months after we broke up. Just letting me know she was engaged.

Well shes just a cnut then to do that to you! And so soon after ye broke up!