how long did it take you to get over ex

ibarelycare

whatthe... wrote: »

think that if two people had a great relationship it would be impossible to be friends. what if as you say, one day you get a call and your told they have a new partner?? sure all the memories would just come back to haunt you wouldnt they. in a LTR, this 'lets be friends' thing just wouldnt work IMO. How do you meet new friends after a break up? Considering what i mentioned in my last post. its bloody hard to get out there and talk to people. still havent done it yet as im not goin to go out on my own like some sad git.

Hey, I just read your last post and that actually brought tears to my eyes

You need to get out there and meet new people, no matter how hard it is. You say that your friends sided with her when you split, have you tried getting in touch with any of them recently? Maybe they'd be glad to hear from you after this long.

You should try and get out and do stuff as you're becoming very isolated from the world. Where do you live? If you live in Dublin there are some boards beers arranged this weekend that you could attend! Or are there any sports clubs or similar around where you live that you could join?

Hope it works out for you anyway. Try not to dwell on what could have been, you need to pick yourself up and get back out there

whatthe...

yeah i dont know how worse id feel if i knew she was with someone else. the thoughts of her being in someone elses arms and doing the things you both used to do. its very hard to take in. nearly a year on i try not to think about stuff like that. maybe she has moved on in that way, maybe not. who knows. i hope she can see that i wasnt a bad bloke at some stage in her life. cant see myself moving on when i still have feelings for her. would be unfair on me and unfair anyone i was with. a false relationship i guess.

ShagNastii

Just out of a LTR of just under a year.

About 4 months and still counting. I'm in the same position I was 4 months ago. We broke up in october but dragged it out until christmas. She rightly decided we had to cut all contact. We haven't spoken since just before christmas. I know in the long run this is definitely the correct thing to do but to say I feel like sh*te in an understatment. I've been keeping busy which has been adviced by everyone but the thought of this girl is like my screen saver.

It is the first time I've expirienced heartbreak and I'm torn to shreads Tbh. Before I was with her and whilst I was with her I was always happy as Larry. Was never without a big sh*t eating smile. Had a heart full of gold which I always wore on my sleeve. I haven't been my normal self for ages now. Been meaning to write on this thread since it has began but haven't felt the need until today. As an above poster stated tis more welcome in PI but I guess TLL always has a nice posters to possibly pat me on the back and a give a reassuring hug.

My spirit is broken big style. I haven't an ounce of anything in my stomach heart to give anyone now. I realised this today when I was walking across UCD heading to the library. Now I don't want to sound shallow but every guy from UCD (every guy make that) would agree, when the weather is sunny, UCD is generally heaving with unbelieveablely beautiful girls. I can't noticed one of them? My old self would have had his jaw scraping the floor with that "mojo" I had inside me having me buzzing. Take it from me, 90% of the guys in UCD are in heat in the library when exam time comes with all the gorgeous stunning girls parading around. I haven't and won't be stunned for some time me thinks I'm just numb towards everything now.


I'm really embarrassed I'm so cut up about this. I so ashamed I let myself fall so hard for a girl I deep down know I shouldn't have. I'm dying for that day I wake up and that weight is off my chest. That realisation!! Ya know the one. My ex was probably over it before it finished.

I saw the sun today and I was like "Ah man I'd love to be heading off for a drive, an adventure say, with -"this girl". Then you get the whole "Sorry somebody else is having adventures now" I'm bitter, sad and glum. I want the sun to f*ck off away FFS. I'm still holding on to the what if. I'm still waiting for THAT call. I can't understand why I still feel every emotion I held/hold whereas my ex (after proclaiming her love only months ago) was probably forgetten my name at this stage and if she saw me in town she'd probably cross the street.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh *pulls out hair*

Sorry folks

---

Look I'm smiling

Penny Dreadful

ShagNastii wrote: »

Just out of a LTR of just under a year.

About 4 months and still counting. I'm in the same position I was 4 months ago. We broke up in october but dragged it out until christmas. She rightly decided we had to cut all contact. We haven't spoken since just before christmas. I know in the long run this is definitely the correct thing to do but to say I feel like sh*te in an understatment. I've been keeping busy which has been adviced by everyone but the thought of this girl is like my screen saver.

It is the first time I've expirienced heartbreak and I'm torn to shreads Tbh. Before I was with her and whilst I was with her I was always happy as Larry. Was never without a big sh*t eating smile. Had a heart full of gold which I always wore on my sleeve. I haven't been my normal self for ages now. Been meaning to write on this thread since it has began but haven't felt the need until today. As an above poster stated tis more welcome in PI but I guess TLL always has a nice posters to possibly pat me on the back and a give a reassuring hug.

My spirit is broken big style. I haven't an ounce of anything in my stomach heart to give anyone now. I realised this today when I was walking across UCD heading to the library. Now I don't want to sound shallow but every guy from UCD (every guy make that) would agree, when the weather is sunny, UCD is generally heaving with unbelieveablely beautiful girls. I can't noticed one of them? My old self would have had his jaw scraping the floor with that "mojo" I had inside me having me buzzing. Take it from me, 90% of the guys in UCD are in heat in the library when exam time comes with all the gorgeous stunning girls parading around. I haven't and won't be stunned for some time me thinks I'm just numb towards everything now.


I'm really embarrassed I'm so cut up about this. I so ashamed I let myself fall so hard for a girl I deep down know I shouldn't have. I'm dying for that day I wake up and that weight is off my chest. That realisation!! Ya know the one. My ex was probably over it before it finished.

I saw the sun today and I was like "Ah man I'd love to be heading off for a drive, an adventure say, with -"this girl". Then you get the whole "Sorry somebody else is having adventures now" I'm bitter, sad and glum. I want the sun to f*ck off away FFS. I'm still holding on to the what if. I'm still waiting for THAT call. I can't understand why I still feel every emotion I held/hold whereas my ex (after proclaiming her love only months ago) was probably forgetten my name at this stage and if she saw me in town she'd probably cross the street.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh *pulls out hair*

Sorry folks

---

Look I'm smiling

Big hug for you. I know what you mean about the weather, when its dark and gloomy it suits where we all are right now. You can get away with staying at home watching crap tv etc etc but now that its bright sunny and warm eveyone wants to know what you're at,what your plan are ......... Its weird but I really resented the clocks going forward as it meant it would be bright for ages and make the evenings alone stretch out forever.
The only good thing about the weather is that it shows time is passing and (I keep telling myself this) as it passes it means that the hurt will being to pass too and the wounds of the break up will heal.
One thing I've noticed and this may be odd, is that while, yes of course I miss the person that my ex was in ways (and not at all in others:rolleyes:) I miss the relationship a lot. There is a weird thing of having to reidentify yourself if you're newly single after being with someone for a long time. I never lost myself in my relationship or stopped being me but I was (to people looking in from the outside) part of a couple, X and Y were invited to parties, dinner, etc and now that I'm X without any significant Y all my other couple friends don't really seem to know what to do.
I've also found it very hard to accept the help and concern of my family and this is a new thing I've had to learn too. Before this I was the one who fixed things, who helped people, who supported them, that was my role in the family and while there were times it bugged me I was good at it and knew it was my thing. Now that I'm the oozing mess that needs help has been a hard pill to swallow for me. All a learning curve I suppose.

ShagNastii

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Big hug for you. I know what you mean about the weather, when its dark and gloomy it suits where we all are right now. You can get away with staying at home watching crap tv etc etc but now that its bright sunny and warm eveyone wants to know what you're at,what your plan are ......... Its weird but I really resented the clocks going forward as it meant it would be bright for ages and make the evenings alone stretch out forever.
The only good thing about the weather is that it shows time is passing and (I keep telling myself this) as it passes it means that the hurt will being to pass too and the wounds of the break up will heal.
One thing I've noticed and this may be odd, is that while, yes of course I miss the person that my ex was in ways (and not at all in others:rolleyes:) I miss the relationship a lot. There is a weird thing of having to reidentify yourself if you're newly single after being with someone for a long time. I never lost myself in my relationship or stopped being me but I was (to people looking in from the outside) part of a couple, X and Y were invited to parties, dinner, etc and now that I'm X without any significant Y all my other couple friends don't really seem to know what to do.
I've also found it very hard to accept the help and concern of my family and this is a new thing I've had to learn too. Before this I was the one who fixed things, who helped people, who supported them, that was my role in the family and while there were times it bugged me I was good at it and knew it was my thing. Now that I'm the oozing mess that needs help has been a hard pill to swallow for me. All a learning curve I suppose.

Yeah. Like most of this thread, It really is helpful when someone says "I know how you feel" and its not just a throw away phrase they do actually know how you feel.

Penny Dreadful

ShagNastii wrote: »

Yeah. Like most of this thread, It really is helpful when someone says "I know how you feel" and its not just a throw away phrase they do actually know how you feel.

When other people (who are happily loved up and have not had to go through the loss of a significant relationship) try to say " I know how you feel" I just want to slap them and say "you haven't got a bloody clue, cause if you did you'd have at least brought a bottle of wine and a nice revenge filled movie like the Godfather with you when you visited". That would show true understanding.

Abi

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

When other people (who are happily loved up and have not had to go through the loss of a significant relationship) try to say " I know how you feel" I just want to slap them and say "you haven't got a bloody clue, cause if you did you'd have at least brought a bottle of wine and a nice revenge filled movie like the Godfather with you when you visited". That would show true understanding.

I've done this countlessly for friends in the past, both male and female friends. I bring their drink of preference, but normally something funny DVD wise. When they are ready to talk about it, I stfu and listen and offer the best advice I can give.

But quite often one of the things that is missed the most coming out of a relationship is the cuddles and just general presence of another person beside them. I've gotten in beside a couple of friends in bed just till they managed to get to sleep, or all night if needed be, and cuddled them.

I understand my friends very well, and probably give them good advice. I just wish I could do the same for myself.

Penny Dreadful

Abitar wrote: »

I've done this countlessly for friends in the past, both male and female friends. I bring their drink of preference, but normally something funny DVD wise. When they are ready to talk about it, I stfu and listen and offer the best advice I can give.

But quite often one of the things that is missed the most coming out of a relationship is the cuddles and just general presence of another person beside them. I've gotten in beside a couple of friends in bed just till they managed to get to sleep, or all night if needed be, and cuddled them.

I understand my friends very well, and probably give them good advice. I just wish I could do the same for myself.

Funny how it turns out that we can have all of the answers for everyone else but not ourselves eh? The closeness of another body is something great and I really miss that too. I substitute it lately with many visits to my older sister and her kids. The youngest one (she is 3) is really tactile and can't get enough of the hugs and kisses and cuddles on your knee when reading a story. I love that she expects nothing more of me than I can give emotionally right now, is happy just to see me and be close and get a cuddle. It can be a great comfort at times.

xxchloexx

Aww I feel for you seriously getting over someone is one of the hardest things anyone can go through . I cant say i've been in a relationship for as long as you were , my longest one was 2 years. Although it was a mutual desicison to break up it was so hard. We stayed friends but im a strong beliver of the saying "if you can stay friends with you ex you either never loved them or else you still do" , In the end it was too much seeing and hearing about his new girlfriends and stuff. I thought being friends would make it easier but from my experience it defo wasn't. So i just kept myself busy with friends , tried not to sit and think about it too much. It took a few months , the smallest things like a song or even a word can make you think of them all over again. But i can happily say im over him now:) seeing a great guy and have never been happier. All i can say is hang in there and it will take time but trust me it has to go bad to get better

Panthro

Im finding the change in weather is getting me in a brighter mood these early mornings. im walking into the oul college saying to myself "yup, im having it tough right now, but what a day it is out here, im lucky i still have the whole of my health, iv a good network of family and friends, thankfully everyone of them is as healthy as i am, life isnt all that bad, im going to enjoy today".
by the time im finished im at the door of the college..its a 2minute walk!
its ok to feel the pain when its happening for you, just as its ok to feel good when thats the mood you fancy

Wibbs

xxchloexx wrote: »

We stayed friends but im a strong beliver of the saying "if you can stay friends with you ex you either never loved them or else you still do"

Very good take on it and I would agree.

Snoopy1

I think im going backwards.
Ive rang my ex up everyday for the last 2 weeks, and every time ive got upset!!

Abi

Snoopy1 wrote: »

I think im going backwards.
Ive rang my ex up everyday for the last 2 weeks, and every time ive got upset!!

You have to stop doing that to yourself, after two weeks of this you know nothing is going to change. Delete the number and try to be brave hon

g'em

I don't know if any of you girls have read the book "Backwards in High Heels" by Sarah Vine and Tania Kindersely - if you haven't, I would highly highly recommend it. It's a wonderfully witty, highly entertaining "advice" book about how to deal with life challenges for women of all ages. There's an excellent chapter that deals with love and heartbreak - as the authors so accurately point out, heartbreak does not get easier with age, but with age you have the wisdom to know that you'll get through it.

I've been through some absolutely shítty break-ups, some melancholic, gut-wrenchingly, depression-inducing heartachers of splits, but I'm still here, and I'm still functioning. The loneliness of a break-up is, for me, the hardest part, that horrible feeling that no-one else in the whole world could possibly know how awful you feel. And yes, when someone else who's going through, or has recently been through, similar says "I know how you feel" it really does make a huge difference.

I've made every mistake in the book where exes are concerned - the "accidental" texts, the drunken calls at 3 in the morning begging to be taken back, all of those things that invariably don't work but invariably do make you look like a plonk But they're things that we do by trial and error. We do crazy things when we're in love, and even crazier ones when that love is taken away from us. But as much of a cliche as it is, the old saying really does hold true: if it's for you, it won't pass by you. No amount of cajoling or convincing is going to get someone back if they don't want to come back. Oh Lordy how many times have I learnt that the hard way

It takes me no less time to get over an ex now than it used to ten years ago, but (a plentiful collection of extremely undignified :pac:) experiences have taught me that the one person, above everyone else, that you need to worry about is yourself. Do good things for you and only you - get a haircut (nothing too drastic though, the post-break-up colour change and extreme chop may seem like a fantastic idea in the spur of the moment, but it's better saved for a calmer mindset ), get a facial, read books that make you smile, spend time with friends who make you laugh, allow yourself to be sad when needed, but don't wallow. Just keep breathing, and do not contact them. There's plenty of time 6 months down the line to rekindle a friendship if there's one worth salvaging. Staying friends with them now will only lead you on and hurt you. Get out in the fresh air - it might be the LAST thing you want to do but science and mothers alike will tell you that a little splash of sunshine and a soupcon of exercise will help heal even the most wounded heart.

I wouldn't wish a break-up on anyone, and I hope that anyone who's going through this at the moment feels better soon. It does pass, I promise

Bonito

g'em wrote: »

I don't know if any of you girls have read the book "Backwards in High Heels" by Sarah Vine and Tania Kindersely - if you haven't, I would highly highly recommend it.

I have. Also. Hugs for you.

sinequanon

g'em wrote: »

I wouldn't wish a break-up on anyone, and I hope that anyone who's going through this at the moment feels better soon. It does pass, I promise

I know I felt that way too when I went through my break up. I used to wish I was in the soil, dead and buried for surely that was better then enduring a break up of such magnitude as mine.

To summarise: I was with my first boyfriend for over 5.5 years, the early defining years of your late teens and early twenties. I was 25 years old when he ended it and I felt like the bottom and dropped out of my world. We were so in love for most of our relationship, best friends and soul mates. There was no-one else in the world I ever wanted to be with and I felt lucky to have found someone who felt the same as me. We did all the things young couples do, go travelling with one another, discovering new places and things together, essentially growing up together..there's the rub! I grew up knowing that I still wanted to be with him, the opposite happened with him, he grew to be doubtful, procrastinating, and worst of all while still loving me, just not loving me enough to be with me any longer...

It hurt so badly that every now and again, if I think long enough about it, the dull ache of that loss can be faintly felt..

I remember being helpless, crying at the most inappropriate times after it all (in work, in a shop, in my car stopped in traffic), losing the sense of myself and who I was...he was a mess too, and while I know he didn't want to put me through what he did, there was no avoiding it..the worst thing was for the last year of our relationship, I knew deep down that things were slipping out of my hands, and I devoted all of my energies still to salvaging the essentially unsalvagable..I would drive three hours to see him in college at the drop of a hat (in his final year)..the night he finished college for good and was coming home, I stayed up waiting for him at his parents house (whom I was very close to) and he didn't arrive til 3 in the morning, I would tell him I loved him all the time..to a delayed response if any...all around me alarm bells were ringing and I was convinced I still save it all! I think it was because the preceding years had been so amazing that I couldn't understand what was unfolding before my eyes now.. I was utterly bewildered by his behaviour..As a result by the time he did eventually get around to breaking off, I was a shadow of myself and exhausted...

There is no getting away from the awfulness of a break up, it's impact on a young persons life and mind are so terribly underrated..You have to stay strong and stay active. You have to remember who you are and want you want to be and where you want to go...You have to stay strong. You do have an inner strength, everyone does, you just have to call upon it at this time.


My break up changed me forever and I carry the scars to this day. I still think about him and I still miss him. I don't think you will ever be truly 'over' someone as they will always be part of a particular episode of your life. It's ok to think about them now and again but having contact is a no no Im afraid. Don't berate yourself for nostalgic thoughts though, we are all only human.

I am lucky that I am with an amazing man now, who is patient and utterly kind for taking on such damaged goods. I met someone pretty soon after the break up (6 months) and even though I knew when we initially started going out I wasn't ready for it, you can't plan for what life throws at you and I wasn't intent on letting him go, when I knew that eventually that time would heal me, and that we could potentially be really good together also.. and now Im glad I did...you do get to that point where you start to enjoy life again..(I remembering wondering outloud one day admidst a crying session to a friend, would I be happy again)...it's like a rebirth in a way..

I think for many people who start to go out with their partners when they are very young, it's a case of survival of the fittest...if you have been with your gf/bf for nearly 6 years by the time you are 25, there are so many pressures on that relationship..not to mention, the pressure that changing personalities and developing self awareness puts on it. I know few couples that have survived from their early twenties, and those that do are usually either extremely strong or too scared to get out of it..In a way Im glad my ex did break it off with me when he did, as fast forward 4 years, we could have been married, he unhappy, kids, a house and all sorts of problems!

Sorry this is so rambling, I wish all the broken hearts out there the best. I am thinking of you in solidarity and with empathy..hope this rambling is of help and comfort to someone.

metrovelvet

There is nothing ****tier than heartbreak. Except maybe cancer.


But isnt it funny how you forget just enough, to fall in love, hit bottom, crawl back out, and do it all over again.

ShagNastii

sinequanon wrote: »

I think for many people who start to go out with their partners when they are very young, it's a case of survival of the fittest...if you have been with your gf/bf for nearly 6 years by the time you are 25, there are so many pressures on that relationship..not to mention, the pressure that changing personalities and developing self awareness puts on it. I know few couples that have survived from their early twenties, and those that do are usually either extremely strong or too scared to get out of it

I can understand this. A cousin of mine is about twenty seven and has been with his girlfriend since they were in school. Every christmas/birthday/milestone met now he gets the "ohhh down on one knee Shane?" . I think I really pisses him and his girlfriend off big style. They always say at the age we are now if we had just met each other people wouldn't be saying the same.

Sorry an aside, this thread shows how epical and powerful the emotion of love is. It also show how it really brings out the poet in all of us.

Wibbs

metrovelvet wrote: »

But isnt it funny how you forget just enough, to fall in love, hit bottom, crawl back out, and do it all over again.

I dunno. I wish I had that capability. It seems I have it less than most. In love just twice. 12 year + gap between them. 5 years since the last one. Can't see me going down that road again somehow. I compare it to religious faith. Its not intellectual as such. one either has it or doesnt. Or loses it and ends up outside of it in a way. So while I see and applaud others having faith in love and relationships I dont have the required faith, if you know what I mean? /end weird analogy

Bonito

Wibbs wrote: »

I dunno. I wish I had that capability. It seems I have it less than most. In love just twice. 12 year + gap between them. 5 years since the last one. Can't see me going down that road again somehow. I compare it to religious faith. Its not intellectual as such. one either has it or doesnt. Or loses it and ends up outside of it in a way. So while I see and applaud others having faith in love and relationships I dont have the required faith, if you know what I mean? /end weird analogy I need a hug.

There. That's better.

lazygal

I think Ryan Tubridy talked about this recently.
One guest said its easier when a partner dies because people know how to sympathise and give you time and help to grieve but when its a break up they say things like plenty more fish in the sea, you can do better etc. Imagine saying that to a grieving widow or widower! I think a break up is like a bereavement because you are still mourning a loss. I think people think they are being helpful when telling you to get out there and meet somone else but they would never say that to a women whose boyfriend had just died, they'd be telling her to take her time and work through her feelings.
My 2c!

Kiera

It took about a week to get over my last ex (of 5 years) took a lot longer with my first love.

smileysurfer

Im still trying to get over my ex,..since August! Its getting easier but I still think about him all the time. He was my first love so apparently thats the hardest break up you ever have to go through.
Time heals ...lots and lots of time it seems! :rolleyes:

Bonito

Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

Snoopy1

Bonito wrote: »

Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

No it does not work. I was dating a guy for 5 weeks, finally started to feel better about myself. Got dumped today by text message.
Feel like absolute s**t now

Wibbs

Bonito wrote: »

There. That's better.

:pac::pac:

Wibbs

Snoopy1 wrote: »

No it does not work. I was dating a guy for 5 weeks, finally started to feel better about myself. Got dumped today by text message.
Feel like absolute s**t now

Ahh jayzuz Thats harsh :mad::(

Bonito

Snoopy1 wrote: »

No it does not work. I was dating a guy for 5 weeks, finally started to feel better about myself. Got dumped today by text message.
Feel like absolute s**t now

How long was your relationship before this and how long were you broken up? I'm sure you said it already in the thread, sorry, I'm just curious.

If he dumped you by text he never deserved you in the 1st place. Bury him along with his number. *hugs*

Snoopy1

Broke up with my ex of 6 years in January, we were due to get married in October.
This was my first attempt at dating agin. It took a lot of courage to even meet this guy, and now my confidence is at rock bottom now.
I onloy moved to Ireland to be with ex, so now im living alone, no friends, and feeling very low

Bonito

Wow that's hard going! If anyone is deserving of hugs it's definitely you! Dust him off he clearly had no regard for your feelings! Take it easy and pick yourself back up. Sure, what's the rush?

Penny Dreadful

Bonito wrote: »

Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

Nope. Tried it, started to like the guy, he was freaked out by the newness of my break up, went home for Christmas met a girl he'd liked for ages and I was informed of this via text message.
Sex was great though

Bonito

What's with the texting?!!! Can they not grow a pair and at least make a phone call?!

Snoopy1

I'm suprised i got a text to be honest.
He spent the last two weeks not texting or calling.
Im an idiot for getting upset, but it still hurts!!!

Bonito

Maybe you were hurt because you were relaying feelings that were already there on this breakup? I'd rather hear of a girl that gets hurt upon a breakup and is willing to take chances when they're over it rather than a girl who can just decide to emotionally detach herself from showing/feeling anything towards a new partner because of ex's.

BTW you're not an idiot! Nothing wrong with wanting to be happy and have someone there!

Penny Dreadful

Bonito wrote: »

What's with the texting?!!! Can they not grow a pair and at least make a phone call?!

That was my attitude too. I mean we're all grown ups, I'm 32 and this guy is 33. Initially I replied with a text along the lines of "well you were only a bit of fun anyway" type text. Then a few days later, knowing that I'd be seeing him again anyway in a whole other setting and not wanting that to be awkward, I decided to phone him and ask him to meet up to sort things out properly.
He was a bit shocked but agreed and called over to my house. It was then that he told me about the new girl (although I think that has since gone down the toilet) and also said that he was really freaked by my recent break up and couldn't deal with that.

metrovelvet

Wibbs wrote: »

I dunno. I wish I had that capability. It seems I have it less than most. In love just twice. 12 year + gap between them. 5 years since the last one. Can't see me going down that road again somehow. I compare it to religious faith. Its not intellectual as such. one either has it or doesnt. Or loses it and ends up outside of it in a way. So while I see and applaud others having faith in love and relationships I dont have the required faith, if you know what I mean? /end weird analogy

That's a sign of a very healthy ego. Supposedly the weaker your ego the more easily you fall in love. Given the early heady haze is about the collapse of the ego I suppose that makes sense. Maybe yours is a little too healthy?:) Or maybe a little too clever.

Anyway, I do know what you mean. ITs hard to get on the flight when you know there has to be a crash and burn sometime; its just a matter of time before you come out of the rubble to look for the black box and examine how it all went wrong, only to discover you havent got a clue, like the last plane crash.

I empathise with edward scissorhands when winona says "hold me" and he spreads his razor fiingers with look of sadness and says "I can't."

Bonito

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

He was a bit shocked but agreed and called over to my house. It was then that he told me about the new girl (although I think that has since gone down the toilet) and also said that he was really freaked by my recent break up and couldn't deal with that.

Make sure not to leave yourself available to him a second time. He had his chance! Would he rather you lied about your past relationship? I'd admire the honesty.

Penny Dreadful

Bonito wrote: »

Make sure not to leave yourself available to him a second time. He had his chance! Would he rather you lied about your past relationship? I'd admire the honesty.

Thank you:) Other people have told me that I was far too honest about this and how could I expect anything to start with someone else if they knew this information. My way of thinking was that how on earth could something start (and endure) if it began with a lie, albeit a lie of omission.
What did surprise me I will admit,is that I told him that I wasn't really looking for a full on new boyfriend and that if we were to begin anything it would have to be on an easy more casual footing, you know, a movie here and there a few drinks etc and we'd see how it went. Again I thought it good to let him know that right there and then I was pretty limited in how much of myself I could offer to anyone rather than lead anyone on.

The really funny (and not funny ha ha) thing about his backing off from all of that is that he had only just finished telling me that he was only after getting his head straight after a bad break up himself, wasn't really in a place to commit to anything serious etc etc and wanted only to have fun. I thought given that and my rather limited ability to jump into another relationship that we were both on the same page. I dunno:(

ibarelycare

Bonito wrote: »

Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

Yes and no. It can help to go out and kiss some boys and have some fun if you're in the right frame of mind. However you're also in a very vulnerable place, so you can easily find yourself getting easily attached, just because you feel a bit lonely. I'm at the stage where I don't want to, or don't even think I'd be able to "date" someone....however if I was out and gave a guy my number and heard nothing I'd be like "Why???"

Sometimes you just miss the cuddles

ibarelycare

metrovelvet wrote: »

That's a sign of a very healthy ego. Supposedly the weaker your ego the more easily you fall in love. Given the early heady haze is about the collapse of the ego I suppose that makes sense. Maybe yours is a little too healthy?:) Or maybe a little too clever.

Anyway, I do know what you mean. ITs hard to get on the flight when you know there has to be a crash and burn sometime; its just a matter of time before you come out of the rubble to look for the black box and examine how it all went wrong, only to discover you havent got a clue, like the last plane crash.

I empathise with edward scissorhands when winona says "hold me" and he spreads his razor fiingers with look of sadness and says "I can't."

:eek: That's so deep! I must re-watch that movie...

Novella

Bonito wrote: »

Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

I don't think hopping under someone else works. I once ended things with a guy after two years or so and a few days later, started sleeping with a friend. I sort of just replaced the gap I'd created in my life, but never gave myself any time to realise that there didn't have to be a gap there at all.
I think I sort of thought I needed to have someone who'd hold me and all that stuff, but then one day I realised he wasn't holding me, he was just using me for sex.
That was good though. I'd been depending on different guys to make my life better since I was really quite young. Hopping from one to another, 'cause I couldn't stand the thought of being alone.

Sleeping with someone else will distract you for a bit, sure, but eventually I think you just have to deal with the hurt.

g'em

Bonito wrote: »

Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

I think it depends how you approach the situation. I had an absolutely awful break-up late last year - really, really shítty, Jeremy Kyle sort of stuff - but I had a fling over Christmas (we both knew that's all it was, I think we were both using each other for company over the Christmas holiday) and it definitely helped to distract me for a while. It didn't make coping with the actual break-up any easier, but it just kept me occupied for a bit and stopped my mind from going a bit loopy.

Wibbs has a wonderful term for these kinds of tête-à-tête's, he once described them as a "defibrillator fling" - they're not serious and there's nothing long-term about them, but they help re-start your heart after it's been smashed to pieces after a messy split!

Bonito

Ok so at the time they're good but in the long run all they're doing is holding your break up time on pause and it doesn't make the time any shorter/easier of getting over the pain caused by the breakup?

Penny Dreadful

Bonito wrote: »

Ok so at the time they're good but in the long run all they're doing is holding your break up time on pause and it doesn't make the time any shorter/easier of getting over the pain caused by the breakup?

Thats it exactly. Well for me anyway. I was so distracted by the other new guy and the fun thrill of him looking at me that way blah blah blah. Then when it went nowhere and I was astounded, how could this have happened to me a second time? It opened the flood gates for all of my pent up feelings of hurt, anger, rejection, isolation, loss of sense of self, etc etc.
I went for rekki yesterday and while I'm not sure it has done/ will do anything to help in a major sense and I've rather emotional since it I made a decision today to talk to a counsellor and try to get my head straight. I opted to go back to the same place that my ex and I had been to prior to our ultimate break up. I think it is good because the counsellor met my ex and hopefully will have a broader sense of where I am coming from and there is a pre existing relationship with us so I'm not starting from scratch again with the counselling. Fingers crossed, cause I really need to get past this all consuming feeling.

Novella

Bonito wrote: »

Ok so at the time they're good but in the long run all they're doing is holding your break up time on pause and it doesn't make the time any shorter/easier of getting over the pain caused by the breakup?

I don't actually know.
I mean, it's a nice wee distraction 'cause I think the hardest part of a break up is that "Oh sh!t, I'm alone, who am I gonna talk to in bed at night" etc. thing. If you fill the void with someone else, it does undoubtably make things easier.

I'm not sure if the problem with people a lot of the time is that they miss the person they've broken up with, or if they actually just miss the company, the way having an OH affected their lives.
Ime, (limited and all as it is, but oh well!) many people are more concerned with what having another person in their life does for them. Ask a few people why they love their bf/gf - "He/she makes me feel so good" and so on. Wonderful. If you look at things that way, I think it makes the hopping into bed with someone else easier to understand.

So many people are in relationships for what it does for them. People are all me, me, me. What am I getting out of this. When there is a break up, I think many feel a kind of, "Uh-oh, now my routine is fcuked, we always had lazy Sundays in bed" so they just throw another body into the equation and everything is cool.

Sure, some break up's are genuinely difficult and there is missing the person but imo, there's a lot of plain old "I cannot be alone so anyone will do at this point" going on.

Penny Dreadful

Novella wrote: »

I don't actually know.
I mean, it's a nice wee distraction 'cause I think the hardest part of a break up is that "Oh sh!t, I'm alone, who am I gonna talk to in bed at night" etc. thing. If you fill the void with someone else, it does undoubtably make things easier.

I'm not sure if the problem with people a lot of the time is that they miss the person they've broken up with, or if they actually just miss the company, the way having an OH affected their lives.
Ime, (limited and all as it is, but oh well!) many people are more concerned with what having another person in their life does for them. Ask a few people why they love their bf/gf - "He/she makes me feel so good" and so on. Wonderful. If you look at things that way, I think it makes the hopping into bed with someone else easier to understand.

So many people are in relationships for what it does for them. People are all me, me, me. What am I getting out of this. When there is a break up, I think many feel a kind of, "Uh-oh, now my routine is fcuked, we always had lazy Sundays in bed" so they just throw another body into the equation and everything is cool.

Sure, some break up's are genuinely difficult and there is missing the person but imo, there's a lot of plain old "I cannot be alone so anyone will do at this point" going on.

This is true and not true at the same time. I spent the last two years or so of my relationship turning myself inside out and upside down for my boyfriend. I was putting myself second to his wishes and desires and inability and unwillingness to face up to life all of the time. He wasn't putting me before anything at all, if I was second then I was doing well.

Yes when we broke up I missed how having someone desire me made me feel and the confidence that this can give to you and so sleeping with that other guy so fast at least made me see that I was still attractive to other people and that when I was ready there would be life after my all too recent ex. It wasn't about being alone and having a routine with this new guy (we were hardly together long enough for that) it was an assurance that I was still a person in my own right, a whole person, not half of a broken twosome.

Novella

Exactly. You needed the reassurance from another person. You needed another person to help make you feel how you wanted to feel. That was my whole point.

Cookie Jar

Bonito wrote: »

Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

Tbh it has worked for me on a few separate occasions.

Penny Dreadful

Novella wrote: »

Exactly. You needed the reassurance from another person. You needed another person to help make you feel how you wanted to feel. That was my whole point.

I suppose I was addressing the point of finiding yourself post breakup rather than just feeling like you are not enough alone and so couple up with anyone as a boy/girlfriend. Yes, sleeping with the other guy helped me feel like a still desirable attractive woman when everything I thought was shattered. However, I didn't sleep with him to make him my boyfriend because I couldn't bear the thoughts of being alone. To be honest, while he was pretty hot and a sure thing as far as the sex end of things went, he was not ever the kind of guy that I'd see a future with and I know that he just didn't get me.

Snoopy1

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Thats it exactly. Well for me anyway. I was so distracted by the other new guy and the fun thrill of him looking at me that way blah blah blah. Then when it went nowhere and I was astounded, how could this have happened to me a second time? It opened the flood gates for all of my pent up feelings of hurt, anger, rejection, isolation, loss of sense of self, etc etc.

This is what happened to me. Was so distracted by the new guy, didnt really have to think about my original break up. I opened up my heart way too easily, and told him a lot of stuff. Now its over im thinking to myself it must be because of me that he dumped me. I feel worse now, thean i did over my initial long term break up. I feel soo low, and have lost all my confidence i was starting to get back