Some of my poems

someyoungfella

Hi guys,

I've started putting some drafts of some of my poems online. It's mostly a way for me to keep my thoughts in one place.

I'd love if you could have a read of some of them and let me know what you think. Thoughts for improvement etc?

www.doirse.com

Thank you all.

dawvee

I just read through those, and I have to say that I love "The world's meanest robot" and "Ham and my 1st Memory". It seems to me like that's where the overall feel of your writing is strongest - when it's personal and specific.

With "Ham" I think you could chop the first two bits to the line that begins "My first memory...". I know why those are there - I've done that myself when writing - but generally they have no place in the finished poem.

In "My heart the mountain range" the central metaphor gets a bit confused at the end. Why does a mountain range need an anchor? You start out with a solid metaphor, but at that point it just sort of drops so the poem can close on a bit of a cliche.

The other two, "Where you found me" and "Today, tomorrow, and the day after" are both fine, but there's not that much to them. They're nice, sentimental, but ultimately don't say much beyond that.

But overall, I have to say I'm impressed, which is rare enough. I'm really picky about poetry, to the point where most times I don't bother commenting because I can't think of anything nice to say. But you got my attention.

someyoungfella

Thanks Dawvee, for some great advice.

I hope to continue putting pieces up there, at least until I get bored.

Bye for now.