Women and weight

jasonb

Hi there,

I'm hoping the lasses here can help me and give their thoughts on the following :

I have a female friend, who I'd consider to be fairly average height and weight. Recently she has put on a little weight. Nothing drastic, but you can see she's carrying a bit extra weight on her stomach & hips. She's normally size 14 on average and now she's size 16 on average ( I say on average as I know those sizes are not consistent from shop to shop - don't get me started on that! ).

Now, there's nothing wrong with her gaining a bit of weight, it's not like it's a health issue or anything like that. However, on several occasions several of her friends and work colleagues have commented on how she's looking, asking has she *lost* weight 'cos it really looks like she has. These people, all female, have made these comments independantly of each other. So it's not one person saying it and others agreeing.

Like I said, it's noticable enough that she has gained weight, but any female she knows who'd be likely to comment on how she looks as made some comment asking if she's lost weight.

So, that's what I don't understand. Are her female friends / colleagues just not seeing that she's gained weight? Are they seeing she's gained weight and telling her she's looking great 'cos they think maybe she feels bad about gaining weight? Are they trying to just, in some way, draw attention to a change in her weight?

The other strange thing is my friend's reaction is normally along the lines of 'well, I haven't been eating less or doing any exercise, but it's good to know I'm losing weight'. Is she just in denial? She doesn't actually weight herself ever ( she doesn't want to know what she actually weighs ) so instead she's basing how much she weighs on the comments made by her friends.

Of course, her male friends ( myself included ) don't say anything at all, 'cos whether it's right or wrong, it's not good to tell a woman they've put on weight.

I'm just confused by this whole thing. Wouldn't it be better for her friends to either make no comment at all, or even point out that she's gained weight ( if they're that concerned by it )? And why does my friend prefer to listen to her friends to tell her how much she weighs, rather than judging at herself or just weigh herself?

Maybe I'm just too much of a 'practical' guy to understand this?

Your thoughts please!

J.

Lia_lia

Eh? Never heard anything like it. Maybe she actually has lost weight but you can't see it.


Or maybe all those girls are really silly and immature.

shellyboo

I get this ALL THE TIME. If I'm looking particularly well, people will go "oh you look lovely, have you lost weight?" The indication being that's clearly the only way I could possibly look good :P

I think it's ingrained in some women as the nicest compliment if someone looks different but you can't quite tell *why*.

I would imagine your friend is just agreeing out of politeness, or maybe embarrassment. If she's sensitive about her weight, she's hardly going to say "eh no, I haven't". She's just accepting the compliment - doesn't mean she believes them!!

Stheno

I'd agree with shellyboo and I'd even go further and suggest her girlfriends are having an ill disguised swipe at her that she's put on weight.

It bemuses me greatly how people (women in particular) feel the need to comment on other people's weight all of the time and relate it to looking good.

I'm not the most observant in these things, and have learned over the years that it's best not to ask when someone's due as I have twice asked that to be told they are not pregnant, so I've learned to keep my trap shut.

Possibly my worst faux pas was when a male work colleague and myself were talking for some unknown reason about weight. He proudly informed me he'd lost five stone (he was very overweight) in Weightwatchers. I hadn't noticed :rolleyes: and it was about a fair whack to lose :rolleyes:

Anyway personally I think it's a subject people are far too happy to comment upon and usually in a negative way, but disguised as positive. Why I do not understand at all. For years I was quite slim and people without reservation seemed to feel they had the right to endlessly discuss how much I ate, how "skinny" I was, comment on what I was eating, everything, I found it extremely annoying.

buswankers

Sounds to me that she may be in denial....although if this weight gain has been gradual its quite possible that she actually hasnt noticed it in herself. Often its easier to spot gradual weight gain if you dont see a person on a daily basis....she will probably realise it at some stage.
Does she ever go on about her weight? i.e. is she at all weight conscious? because if not, its likely that she doesnt mind that she has put on a few pounds....

As for your question 'would it not be better for her friends to tell her she has gained weight?' I would say in this case thats a no unless the weight gain spirals out of control.... I dont think i would ever tell a friend she had put on weight - unless she specifically asked. Weight is a topic of conversation a lot in my group of friends as a lot of us have struggled with it since i can remember...but i would never just tell one of them i thought they'd put it on unless they asked if i had noticed they had put any on....& then i would be honest in my reply but also offer support/ideas of how they can go about trying to shift the pounds they want to!

Lastly, am a bit baffled by why so many people have commented that it looks like she's lost weight when in fact she has gained weight? if it was one person then yes id say its possible she is getting a dig in....but it would be very unusual to come across more than one such person in any environment?! personally i wouldnt ever ask someone had they lost weight unless i A - thought they actually had lost weight & B- knew they had been making a conscious effort to lose weight.... & in this case letting someone know u can see the results of all their efforts at weight loss is a huge confidence boost & motivates them to keep going

ash23

I lost 5 stone a couple of years back but came to a stalemate and just have been stuck ever since. Not wanting to deprive myself of anything I fancy has meant I remain a couple of stone overweight. So initially (of course) every person I met was commenting on my weight loss. But (of course) that petered out when I stopped losing weight and generally now I only get it from people I don't see that often.

But occasionally I will get a comment. Usually depends on what I wear. Some things make me look bigger, some smaller. I find the comments tend to relate to the same outfits. I wore one dress so much it wore away as I was always told I looked slimmer in it :rolleyes:

It could be that she looks slightly slimmer that day because of the outfit and they want to encourage her.
Or it could be that while you are observant, you aren't that observant. I've gained and lost the same stone on and off for a year. I put on 4 pounds over easter weekend and lost it again over the past week.
She might be fluctuating slightly and they are noticing.

But I've never experienced a woman saying to another that they've lost weight as some sort of way of telling them they've gained it.

WindSock

ugh. I hate people commenting on my weight. I find it fairly personal tbh and it makes me feel uncomfortable like I have to explain. Especially when they say 'what's your secret?'
'oh I just yak in the toilet after dinner' usually puts a stop to that.

MistyCheese

WindSock wrote: »

ugh. I hate people commenting on my weight. I find it fairly personal tbh and it makes me feel uncomfortable like I have to explain.

I do aswell but I made the mistake of telling my husband. So the next time his mother said it to me he tried to say something to her! I stopped him and had to explain later that although it made me uncomfortable it's not fair to say anything to his mother as she doesn't mean it in a negative way, she means it as a compliment. I understand that and take it as a compliment because even though I personally find it uncomfortable I know she doesn't and it's not her fault that I feel that way. Although I appreciated that he just meant well too.

I'd more more pissed off if someone tried to insult me (but I didn't take offence to it) than if someone paid me a compliment that I'd rather not recieve.

Xiney

jasonb wrote: »

Wouldn't it be better for her friends to either make no comment at all, or even point out that she's gained weight ( if they're that concerned by it )?

Speaking for myself, if anyone ever told me I've gained weight (which is true, unfortunately) I'd want to punch them in the face, but I'd probably just cry.


Maybe since your friend has gone up a size, she's bought new clothes in the new size? New clothes that haven't been washed out and worn out can make you look slimmer.

jasonb

Hi everyone,

Just want to thanks everyone for their comments, there are a few angles that I hadn't thought off and I appreciate that.

I'm fascinated by different peoples' experiences and issues regarding weight, along with other peoples' need to comment. As one of the replies said, saying someone has lost weight or 'how do you stay so skinny' can be just as hurtful ( whether meant or not ) as someone saying 'you've put on weight'.

I hate to generalise, but I'm starting to think that a lot of women put pressure on themselves to be as good looking / slim / dressed up / etc. as other women. I read somewhere recently that the main reson why women get dressed up while going out is to impress or live up to, other women. Obviously, that is a generalisation, but I think there's some truth in it. It just seems like such a vicious circle!

Anyhow, my friend looks great and I'm not going to make any comments on whether she's gained weight or not to her. If she asked me I'd do as 'buswankers' ( what a nick! ) said, I'd tell her I thought she had but offer support, if it was bothering her. I think I'd only actually make a comment to someone about them putting on weight if I really thought their health was at risk, and to be honest by then it would be pretty obvious!

So thanks again, I appreciate the insights...

J.