Should I "Out" Him??

DingosAteMyBaby

OK obviously in normal circumstances I would never out someone, its a horrible thing to do but this situation is different.

Me and a lot of my friends started college this year. I have a good few friends taking the same course so I tend to meet up with them when I can as I knew very little people in my course when I started, so it was easier to just find them. They made some new friends from their course and I got to know them as well.

There was this one guy who I got a gay vibe from and my gaydar is usually pretty accurate. I said nothing obviously as I barely knew him and it was none of my business!

A few months ago he started going out with a friend of mine(a girl) from school that I've known for years. I gave him the benfit of the doubt and just figured I was wrong.

Until today. I got mail on my gaydar profile which i only set up a few days ago and was shocked when I saw the picture of him! He sent me his msn and told me to add him if i wanted "a chat;)". I have a picture of myself and my first name on my profile (which ironically I went to delete today, it really creeps me out) and I'm friends with him on facebook so he must hve known who I was!!

Why would he do it? He knows I know his girlfriend. I am so angry that he would use her as a beard, she's quite a sensitive girl and would do without this sh*t. At first I hoped it was maybe a joke profile(naive I know) but it seems to have been active quite a while. With a username stating his desire to meet a guy and a tagline announcing how horny he is, I dont think he's using it as a way to just make friends...

So I dont know what to do. I hate confrontation, first of all. Secondly it would be rather awkward to tell people. Ugh. I would never dream of outing someone struggling to accept their sexuality I'm more or less in the same bpat even though I've come out to my friends. But the fact that he is using a girl as a beard (which is just selfish and cruel) and a nice girl that i know at that!!

Do I tell people? Do I tell her? Do I confront him? Do I just ignore it and leave him sort it out himself?

So does anyone have any advice its like something straight out of the a soap opera like!!

Stark

Stay out of it would be my advice. He hasn't done anything if all he wants is a chat. Just because he might be experiencing confused emotions doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for the girl he's with and anyway, he wouldn't be the first person to get into a relationship that he was unsure about; it's something for him and her to sort out, not you.

DingosAteMyBaby

I don't think a chat is what he wanted. His profile says hes looking for hot horny guys for sex and says the area where he is living. The fact that he is gay/ bi aside, I know he is actively looking to cheat on her and probably already has. This girl has had a really tough time of it in the last year and I dont want to see her get even more serious with him and therefore more hurt:(

Dwn Wth Vwls

If you had just seen his profile there I'd probably agree with Stark and say leave it alone, but he contacted you so I think it's reasonable to talk to him. You could add him to MSN and have the "uhh hey.. name" conversation where you establish whether he realises it's you or not.

Whether he did realise or not, you should be able to just ask him what's going on since he has a girlfriend. He could of course be bisexual, have told his girlfriend, and be in a happy open relationship. If he's just a lying cheating ho-bag... I don't think much good would come of you telling his girlfriend, but the fact that you know should be enough to make him uncomfortable with the situation.

DingosAteMyBaby

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

If you had just seen his profile there I'd probably agree with Stark and say leave it alone, but he contacted you so I think it's reasonable to talk to him. You could add him to MSN and have the "uhh hey.. name" conversation where you establish whether he realises it's you or not.

Whether he did realise or not, you should be able to just ask him what's going on since he has a girlfriend. He could of course be bisexual, have told his girlfriend, and be in a happy open relationship. If he's just a lying cheating ho-bag... I don't think much good would come of you telling his girlfriend, but the fact that you know should be enough to make him uncomfortable with the situation.

Yeah I doubt its an open relationship but I never considered that actually.

God I can only imagine how awkward that MSN conversation would be but it probably is the right course of action:(

Thanks for the advice, hopefully I can muster up the courage to talk to him:P

claire h

Just get back to him with a 'uh... don't think your girlfriend would like that, somehow!' kind of line. Light enough to be jokey but enough to have him going 'oh, sh*t'. Beyond that, there really isn't much you can do... it's their business.

Though you could also send her a link to his profile, and faux-naively go 'thought [whatever-his-name-is] might want to see this, someone's using a picture of him on their profile'. (You never know, it could be a fake... and at least you're pointing her towards the issue, which is really all you can do, can't make people in a relationship have a discussion.)

hatful

You should definitely send him a message asking what the story is. Otherwise I think you should give him the heads up that if he doesn't do the decent thing and tell your friend you will. The other posters here don't seem to be considering the girls feelings, gay or straight it doesn't matter it's the equivalent of seeing your friends boyf/girlf out hitting on strangers in a bar.

Dwn Wth Vwls

I think both being told by someone else and simply receiving a link to a gaydar profile are both horrible ways to find out that you're probably being cheated on. They also don't give the guy a chance to properly defend himself in the situation where it's a fake profile.

DingosAteMyBaby has the opportunity to talk to the guy and find out if he's cheating, which leads to much better resolutions. If the guy simply breaks up with her, or tells her he's gay (if he is), then she'll probably cope it with better.

Tricity Bendix

hatful wrote: »

You should definitely send him a message asking what the story is. Otherwise I think you should give him the heads up that if he doesn't do the decent thing and tell your friend you will. The other posters here don't seem to be considering the girls feelings, gay or straight it doesn't matter it's the equivalent of seeing your friends boyf/girlf out hitting on strangers in a bar.

+1

You have to look out for your friend in this situation. You mightn't like confrontation, but I think you'd like your friend being strung along while you sat idely by even worse.

Tell the guy you don't appreciate what he's doing, and if he doesn't break up with your friend immediately that you'll tell her about what happened on gaydar. Do it over MSN if you have to.

Zulu

It seems to me that him being gay is secondary - so perhaps leave the "outting" out of it.
You reckon he's cheating on a mate. She's your mate. You owe it to her.

If she knew someone was cheating on you, what would you want her to do?



...that said: DANGER WILL ROBINSON, getting involved mightn't be appreciated. Love is blindness and all that.

Dr. Baltar

First of all DO NOT out him. He may be a cheat ect. but outing someone affects them for the rest of their life.

If I were you I would talk to him on MSN and begin the conversation with "I know you're not out, and don't worry I'll keep that a secret... I'm blah blah your girlfriend's friend" basically tell him that you're good friends with his girlfriend, do not want to see her get hurt and that you would do anything to protect her. Tell him to cop on, and don't be an ass to her, but at the same time let him know that if he needs people to talk to about his sexuality you can help him out there.

If you're interested in him (I assume you're not) simply mention that you wouldn't dream of doing anything with him while he has a girlfriend.

DingosAteMyBaby

OK I know I should confront him and ask him wtf hes doing.. but im such a chocken when it comes to confrontation. hes on facebook chat right now but i physcially cant do it haha! Grr i wish I was drunk I'd totally beat him with my words then

azezil

I flirt back, see where it leads.

DingosAteMyBaby

azezil wrote: »

I flirt back, see where it leads.

You'd do that to your friend:eek: and, he's ginger.

MicraBoy

DingosAteMyBaby wrote: »

and, he's ginger.

Ah so now we see what this is all about gingephobia!

Jinxi

I would just act all innocent and next time he is with his gf, walk up and say something jokey like "are you stalking me...I can't beleive you would open a gaydar profile just to check up on me".
Then leave him to do the explaining. He can't get mad at you because ydidn't know any better. Even if he worms his way put of it, you will send some alarm bells of in the gf's head and she can't accuse you of being anything but honest.
I can't help but think he wants people to know. Why would he contact someone he knows is mates with his gf?

Aard

My loyalty to my friend would be stronger than somebody I know who happens to be gay. Keep it simple. Don't overthink it. I'd just say to the friend, "I think your bf is cheating on you." Then elaborate. Like somebody said above, any "outing" that happens is secondary. He gave up his right to privacy when he messaged you. Of course, on the off-chance that the profile is fake, then there's no harm done really.

oisindoyle

In reply to the OP .Stay out of it ,its its not your business what he is who he is and most definitely I wouldnt not out him .Its his business not any one elses.

Tricity Bendix

oisindoyle wrote: »

In reply to the OP .Stay out of it ,its its not your business what he is who he is and most definitely I wouldnt not out him .Its his business not any one elses.

Its also his girlfriend's business.

vicecreamsundae

i would tell his girlfriend he's on gaydar. don't say he's gay, don't say he's cheating, but tell her that her boyfriend, or someone with her boyfriend's picture, messaged you on gaydar.
if she knows he's bi, or they do have an open relationship then no big deal. but if he's a cheating scumbag, she deserves to know, both for her emotional well being and her sexual health.

this attitude of it being none of your business actually sickens me. he sent you a private message, he MADE it your business. even if you had seen him and wanted to ignore it, by messaging you he has now put you in a tough position.

i don't think i'd bother confronting him. i know i wouldn't want to hear him making excuses and really wouldn't like to see the two of you making some kind of a deal, like "i wont tell your girlfriend IF you stop this now" -if he is seeking sex with other people online, she deserves to know. i would just say it to her, and then let them work it out between themselves.

Zulu

vicecreamsundae wrote: »

i would tell his girlfriend he's on gaydar. don't say he's gay, don't say he's cheating.

What? Why? Surely the crime here isn't that he's on gaydar, but rather that he's cheating?

vectorization

It is none of your business. Are you that immature that you dont realize that! you said you are in college...sorry to inform you but this is not the playground anymore.

claire h

Zulu wrote: »

What? Why? Surely the crime here isn't that he's on gaydar, but rather that he's cheating?

That he's on gaydar is all that the OP actually knows. Or rather that someone with his info is on gaydar.

The OP cannot tell whether it's some kind of joke, whether from this guy or someone else who knows him. (Approaching someone who knows who he is and whose friend he's dating seems a little off, quite frankly, though of course he may not actually realise he knows the OP.) The OP also doesn't know exactly what kind of a relationship this guy has with his girlfriend - they may have an open relationship, she may be open to his experimenting with guys, or open to him messing about online as long as it stays online, or whatever. So it's unclear whether this is cheating within the boundaries of their relationship, particularly as it's also unclear whether this guy is actually doing anything more than flirting online.

Approaching a friend and telling them their boyfriend is "selfish and cruel" and using them as a beard, when you don't have all the facts, is not a good move. It's making assumptions about their relationship and making assumptions about the guy's actions based on what is ultimately quite limited evidence. It's also likely to make a friend defensive and unlikely to listen to whatever someone has to say, and could end up ruining a friendship while strengthening what may or may not be a screwed-up relationship. It's better to present someone with what you actually know, and let them draw their own conclusions - you can't control the conclusions they come to.

Cabbage Brained

You have two options at this stage:

1) Stay out of it altogether

2) Confront him, but in a friendly way and with no presuppositions that he has done anything wrong. You owe him a chance to explain things to you before you jump to conclusions.

I would absolutely avoid 100% doing anything other than either of the above. It will only spell trouble for you, seriously.

Cabbage Brained

Just read claire h's advice, absolutely spot on. Some of the other advice on this thread is really naive and immature.

Red_Marauder

No, do not out him, do not tell someone he has a gaydar profile, none of his sexual life is any of your business.

Sure, he may be seeing your friend at the moment, but most relationships are transitory, and especially so in the case of young gay guys trying to cling to heterosexuality or coming to grips with not being straight. His relationship with your friend might last weeks or months, but outing him could effect him for the rest of his life.

Somebody outed me so I know how it feels. My family are okay with it, but that isn't the point. It wasn't the right time or place, and I wasnt ready, and the effect is permanent. Whatever amount of good you think you are doing in the short term, think for a minute of the long term consequences.

Your friend will thank you, and then in six months you'll both have forgotten the whole episode. But he won't have. Outing somebody is one of the most permanent marks you can make on their life - I'm not sure by reading your post that you are in a position to make that mark, are you?

shay_562

Red_Marauder wrote: »

Your friend will thank you, and then in six months you'll both have forgotten the whole episode. But he won't have. Outing somebody is one of the most permanent marks you can make on their life

I'd imagine having your boyfriend flirt with one of your friends via Gaydar, or cheat on you with other guys, might also have a reasonably strong effect on you. Like, I get that being outed is bad, but the number of posts on this thread saying "Don't out him, no matter what the circumstances!" is kinda surprising - if the situation were such that the OP knew for sure that he was cheating on her, I'd place the emotional well-being of a good friend above the emotional well-being of the guy cheating on her.

That said, OP, as has been pointed out, you don't have all the facts, so either try and find out more (by messaging him back, keeping an eye on his profile or whatever) or just leave it be. Definitely don't do any of the "casually mentioning his profile in front of her" stuff, transparent as glass and makes things messier while making you look worse in the long run.