What should i tell my daughter?

we'llallhavetea_old

hey op, haven't read the thread in its entirety, just want to echo the other posters and say that you know best. no way would i introduce him as her "dad", he hasn't been her "dad" EVER! he has absolutely no right to such and important title.

i would be very cautious, take things very slowly.

lucolady

Thanks so much for all the replies, i found all the advice so helpful. So i have decided that i am not going to let him pressure me into tell my daughter who he is. We have had a long long talk about it and he seems to see things from my point of view now. So again just want to say thanks to all for advice.

Quazzie

lucolady wrote: »

Thanks so much for all the replies, i found all the advice so helpful. So i have decided that i am not going to let him pressure me into tell my daughter who he is. We have had a long long talk about it and he seems to see things from my point of view now. So again just want to say thanks to all for advice.

Its good to see a positive aftermath of some advice given on this forum. I hope all works out ok for you and your daughter, and I hope that the father does form a long lasting bond with your daughter too.

Deliverance

lucolady wrote: »

Thanks so much for all the replies, i found all the advice so helpful. So i have decided that i am not going to let him pressure me into tell my daughter who he is. We have had a long long talk about it and he seems to see things from my point of view now. So again just want to say thanks to all for advice.

That is good to hear lucolady. Thanks for coming back and letting us / me know how your are getting on. I hope it all works out well for you, the dad and the child. I hope you find time in the future to let us know how your are progressing with the issue. A happy ending would be refreshing to say the least;)

metrovelvet

I havent read the whole thread but I disagree with the majority. I think NOT to tell her is a lie and a dangerous one. Even if he is a flight risk at least she knows what he looks like. Sitting there wondering has got to be the worst.

Amazotheamazing

I'm usually espousing the father's rights in such a scenario but this guy is way out of line, imo. You know your kid, he doesn't. His opinion is fine in theory but you know the reality of your child. It's good to see he's starting to agree with you but I'd be very cautious of how to proceed.

That being said, it's good that she's still young enough to build a proper father daughter relationship. Good Luck.

we'llallhavetea_old

metrovelvet wrote: »

I havent read the whole thread but I disagree with the majority. I think NOT to tell her is a lie and a dangerous one. Even if he is a flight risk at least she knows what he looks like. Sitting there wondering has got to be the worst.

if he does run away again, she will feel abandoned. she doesn't need to know at this young age, of course when she is older her mam can tell her who "the man" she met actually was.

cynder

Hindsight is a great thing, but at the present time any decision that is made could easily come back and bite you in the butt.


But i would also agree that you not let him pressure you.

Quazzie

metrovelvet wrote: »

I havent read the whole thread but I disagree with the majority.

How can that sentence be true. If you didn't read the thread how do you know which is the majority.

The Op knowing the child, and the father better than anyone should follow her gut instinct. She knows what both are capable of, and she has made a choice. A choice I agree with and hope it works out well for her. The child is just 6 years of age so while she might be asking questions of her past at her age, its unlikely she'll be fully able to understand the complexity of what is going on, so why answer her question with an answer that will make her more confused. If (hopefully when) the father sticks around then the child will in a much better position to accept the man as her father.

cynder

Did i say i didnt agree.


I didnt make any comment on what i think she should do.

Im just saying hindsight is a great thing and that things can come back an bite you on the bum.

There are pros and cons to telling and not telling.

Who knows, tomorrow one of them might die, maybe the father will run away again next week or in 10 years , maybe he will turn out to be a great dad (very possible).

Its very easy to tell a child - im taking you to see your father, he has been away for a few years and has never met you, would you like to meet him? there is a possibility he has to go away again.

Thats what happened with my eldest brother when he met his dad when he was 7 and we moved 3 years later and they kept in contact on and off, when my brother got married both sets of parents were there at the top table, all happy. even the wedding photos her parents and my brothers 2 sets of parents . Children are very resilient.

I think it could be more of a shock getting to know someone and a year later told thats your daddy. again children are resilient.

Im not going to condem any elses opinion because it may differ from mine, im not right all the time. I think in fact the best person to ask would be a child psychologist.

I do however wish her the best and hope all turns out fine.

Jinxi

I think that you have to consider this from your daughters position. This could be the only time that the dad wants to see her. YOu have to assume this is true as he has a history of bailing when things get too much.
So what if in years to come WHEN she asks about her dad and you have to say," remember that guy we went to see in a McDonalds"....!

She is going to be hurt that not only did yot discuss this in the years before he surfaced, but that you didn't give her the chance to ask him any questions because she didn't know who it was.

Even at 6 she will have thought about it. She knows what dads are. Why she hasn't felt comfortable enought to talk to you might be a question you should mull over.

You have no obligations to this man, but you do have obligations to your daughter. She has a right to know the truth. The only outcome of you talking to her about it can be a positive one, where the trust and communicative relationship you have with her will be reinforced.

If the relationship continues after the first meeting, you have to believe that your daughter is strong enough to be able to handle it. It sounds like you have a good male role model in your father, so at least all the eggs are no tin his basket, so to speak.

All the finacial stuff is secondary to the possibiltiy that your daugher may have a relatioship with her dad. Some day he will have to answer to her about that.

Deliverance

metrovelvet wrote: »

I havent read the whole thread but I disagree with the majority. I think NOT to tell her is a lie and a dangerous one. Even if he is a flight risk at least she knows what he looks like. Sitting there wondering has got to be the worst.

That is a different perspective worth considering for sure metro. It certainly threw me a bit and made me think a bit more. However I do think that you should read the thread through. Purely and only because you said that you had not done so.

I'm no psychological child expert for sure. But I do have experience in all quarters of this thread i.e. a child with an absent dad whom I briefly met at one time. He let me down lots of times. He made promises which he broke.

The strange thing is that I remember every single promise that he broke, every single one. My mom gave him access to me at the time and he had every oppurtunity to become a part of my life.

Sadly the only striking thing that I remember about him is the broken promises. I vividly remember waiting and expecting him to show up, I waited for hyped up promises of birthday presents etc that never materialised.

He phoned me later in life for a meet up. Broke that promise again due to being sober I guess. A life of broken promises, that is how I remember him.

That is my memory of my dad. A man who left and broke promises. Pretty simple really. I think that a dad that shows interest in the OPs sense is a step in the right direction. But it has to be heavily supervised by the parent.

Metro you are right in some respects. But in my experience I think that the advise that has been given so far in the whole thread has been most excellent.

lucolady

I thought id just give you all an update as to what has been happening...so i brought her to meet him but i introducted him to her as just my friend. It went very well and they got on great. After the meeting everything was going well for a week or so and then he asked for a DNA test, which was no problem to me at all as i knew the answer but he wanted it so that was fine. He is now back to putting alot of pressure on me to tell her about him as he wants to tell his girlfriend and son about her...(the son is older and from a previous relationship). He wants her to know about him before he tells everyone about her....which i have told him is ridiclous...if thats the case then when we do meet up we cant go anywhere in case we are seen. I have put my foot down and told him that under no circumstances will i be telling my daughter about him until she is ready for it and until she knows him...He cant seem to get his head around this and wont even have a conversation about it as he just thinks im wrong!! and to top it all of i have asked him what he is going to tell his family about her and he is going to tell them that i never told him i was pregnant and that i hid it from him!! I was so shocked at this that i couldn't even respond to it..But i know that if any of them says anything to me about it i will be telling them the correct version of events..Sorry if that comes across as mean but i am just so angry right now and i need to rant...sorry

metrovelvet

I can understand your fear and reluctance to withhold this information and want to protect your daughter. But to lie to a child about his or her parentage will come to bite both you and the child one day. You are playing a very dangerous game.

And while I sympathise with Deliverance's very poignant memories of a series of disappointments, and this maybe the case with your ex too, but this is a HUGE lie.

Dont let him pressure you but I would not take any steps firther in the relationship unless she knows who he is.

Obviously he is untrustworthy, but I think you need to separate your identifying him from his access to your daughter. In other words tell her who he is but do not allow flitting in and out. Insist on consistency and demand it from him.

dlofnep

lucolady wrote: »

I thought id just give you all an update as to what has been happening...so i brought her to meet him but i introducted him to her as just my friend. It went very well and they got on great. After the meeting everything was going well for a week or so and then he asked for a DNA test, which was no problem to me at all as i knew the answer but he wanted it so that was fine. He is now back to putting alot of pressure on me to tell her about him as he wants to tell his girlfriend and son about her...(the son is older and from a previous relationship). He wants her to know about him before he tells everyone about her....which i have told him is ridiclous...if thats the case then when we do meet up we cant go anywhere in case we are seen. I have put my foot down and told him that under no circumstances will i be telling my daughter about him until she is ready for it and until she knows him...He cant seem to get his head around this and wont even have a conversation about it as he just thinks im wrong!! and to top it all of i have asked him what he is going to tell his family about her and he is going to tell them that i never told him i was pregnant and that i hid it from him!! I was so shocked at this that i couldn't even respond to it..But i know that if any of them says anything to me about it i will be telling them the correct version of events..Sorry if that comes across as mean but i am just so angry right now and i need to rant...sorry

He sounds like a right prick. What an awful thing to tell his family. Your right to put your foot down to be honest.

oohlala

lucolady wrote: »

I thought id just give you all an update as to what has been happening...so i brought her to meet him but i introducted him to her as just my friend. It went very well and they got on great. After the meeting everything was going well for a week or so and then he asked for a DNA test, which was no problem to me at all as i knew the answer but he wanted it so that was fine. He is now back to putting alot of pressure on me to tell her about him as he wants to tell his girlfriend and son about her...(the son is older and from a previous relationship). He wants her to know about him before he tells everyone about her....which i have told him is ridiclous...if thats the case then when we do meet up we cant go anywhere in case we are seen. I have put my foot down and told him that under no circumstances will i be telling my daughter about him until she is ready for it and until she knows him...He cant seem to get his head around this and wont even have a conversation about it as he just thinks im wrong!! and to top it all of i have asked him what he is going to tell his family about her and he is going to tell them that i never told him i was pregnant and that i hid it from him!! I was so shocked at this that i couldn't even respond to it..But i know that if any of them says anything to me about it i will be telling them the correct version of events..Sorry if that comes across as mean but i am just so angry right now and i need to rant...sorry

No offense, but this sounds like he hasn't changed a bit.

After all he has put you through, abandoning you while you were pregnant and cutting off contact and never supporting you financially or otherwise, now instead of owning up to it and trying to make amends (which is what he would do if he were truly regretful and sorry) he is LYING to make you out to be the bad person to all of his family- who don't forget are your daughteers family too. Your daughter deserves to have the correct relationship with the other family and not have it clouded over by this ridiculous mans cowardice.

If i were in your position i would agree to dna and arrange a maintenace agreement for the same day. I would insist he tells the truth about your daughter to all of his family and insist that while you have raised your daughter he barely knows her for two weeks so you know whats best and thats what you will be doing.

Don't forget op if he tells his family these lies then someday your daughter will hear about it and that could do her a lot of harm. If this man loved your daughter and wanted to put her first he wouldn't even be comtemplating telling all these lies because he's too much of a coward to tell the truth.

Best of luck-really!!!

Mothman

One thing I've learned from my own kids who are 8 and 4 year old (and from issues when I was child) is that I need to be truthful, upfront and express my own feelings to them all the time. Despite what I think are their tenders years they have a huge capacity to deal with matters as they are but boy have I been bitten bad when I've tried to cover up.

I didn't see this thread at the beginning but I echo metrovelvets sentiments.

Lucolady, I also urge you to keeping standing up for what you feel is right and when/if the time is right let your daughter know that is what you were doing.

metrovelvet

OP - He is lying to his family and you are lying to yours. WHile his lie may help him save face and he is trying to cover up his irresponsibility on your withholding the info that you were pregnant,which will make you look bad, your lie is more dangerous because you are going to compromise the trust your daughter has in you. YOu are her only carer. She has to trust someone absolutely. Every child needs at least ONE of that in their life and you are it. If you continue lying to her about the identity of this man, she will never ever trust you again. And she deserves to have someone in her life she can trust.

And has her primary carer, you are the paradigm for all her future relationships, with men, women, everyone. You dont want her walking into that with trust issues right? A father who abandoned her and a mother who lies to her?

talkin

i agree that you shouldnt lie to your daughter. if a little girl cant trust her mom who can she trust. it'l be the lies that'l hurt her most.

cats.life

he has no rights to your little girl, im so happy that you didnt tell her who he is. 8 year old are so sencitive to what they are told or see, i can remember when my cousin way older than me pointed an empty gun at me telling me that he was going to shoot me, he was of course messing with me , he had just come in the house from hunting rabbits he had empty gun open. i havent forgotten that ,i thought for sure he was going to do it , i ran out the house. going back to you op when i read your first post on this i knew how it was going to go, glad you didnt tell YOUR little who he was and still dont tell her . he may have being there making her but a dad dont run out on his daughter now he is back going to lie bout her, you have come along way with just you and daughter ,dont throw away 8 yrs of your life cos of this yolk who call,s himself dad. he is a pure ass.

talkin

cats.life wrote: »

he has no rights to your little girl, im so happy that you didnt tell her who he is. 8 year old are so sencitive to what they are told or see, i can remember when my cousin way older than me pointed an empty gun at me telling me that he was going to shoot me, he was of course messing with me , he had just come in the house from hunting rabbits he had empty gun open. i havent forgotten that ,i thought for sure he was going to do it , i ran out the house. going back to you op when i read your first post on this i knew how it was going to go, glad you didnt tell YOUR little who he was and still dont tell her . he may have being there making her but a dad dont run out on his daughter now he is back going to lie bout her, you have come along way with just you and daughter ,dont throw away 8 yrs of your life cos of this yolk who call,s himself dad. he is a pure ass.

she's 6. i agree with you in way. i dont think she should have let him meet her,but now that she has,when she eventually finds out who her father(i know he doesnt deserve that name!)is she'l be very angry that her mother lied. i suppose if she leaves it at this and never mentions this man to her daughter again it might be alright.

Deliverance

Sounds to me like the guy wants to be involved in this childs life, he want's to integrate the child into his current family dynamic. That would be great for the families invovled, plus it would be equally great for the child lucolady, family is important we all know that.

However he wants to use excuses and lies to cover up the truth. In my view (from what you have posted lucolady), he still want's to live a lie and not face up to his mistakes and abandonment issues. He does not want his current family to know about this past behaviour, I think that he imagines that they would be shocked by his obvious manipulation of trying to portray you as the bad person in all this.

Until he faces up to the fact that he ran and he left then you should not allow him to go further until he agrees to face this past irresponsible behaviour as a 'man'.

I think what he is trying to do is pretty obvious, he want's to portray lucolady as the bad one whilst he was / is the innocent good guy who introduced the new little lovely child into the new family environment. If that happens as the situation stands then lucolady will be the put upon as the bad person by this new family and subsequently the child will believe the lies as well. On that point I understand metros point of view and valid opinion, it fits.

He has an obvious agenda as such in this case though. He would be the good guy who was only encouraged to bring the child into the new family. That would leave lucolady with a constant burden of having to constantly defended herself via said situation as the liar in the equation. Very very wrong

I would suggest that a mediator should be involved between lucolady and the father at this stage. To me this would be a very important stage. If the father refuses at this point, then an impass has been reached untill he agrees.

The bottom line in all this is: I would say stand your ground lucolady and go for the mediation. On a more positive note I think it has gone well in some repects so far i.e. they get on well I found that heartwarming to hear. He obviously wants to get to know her better. Now he needs to learn to respect her and just as importantly if not more so he needs to respect who brought her up and made her the lovely child that she is i.e. YOU!

I really hope in this process he learns a lesson, hard work I know but worth it in the end hopefully. Stay in touch miss hope it works out for the best.

metrovelvet

^ Totally agree with the above. But I dont think she should embark on a relationship with this man until she knows who he is. CLean up the mess first, be above board and no lies before the child gets brought in.

OP maybe needs to make clear to him that lying to his family will backfire also. The thing is... these things all come out in the end. Let him lie, because when they find out the truth, which they will then they will really see him for the irresponsible scum that he is. And hey... they raised him!

cats.life

metrovelvet wrote: »

^ Totally agree with the above. But I dont think she should embark on a relationship with this man until she knows who he is. CLean up the mess first, be above board and no lies before the child gets brought in.

OP maybe needs to make clear to him that lying to his family will backfire also. The thing is... these things all come out in the end. Let him lie, because when they find out the truth, which they will then they will really see him for the irresponsible scum that he is. And hey... they raised him!

by letting him lie a little girl is going to be very much put out as in no trust in the adults who supoesd to be looking after her,she will be getting older and hear things going on in the family home . op is tring to do her best by her daughter.

jordan..

he hasnt been her dad!!! He has to prove that he can be a man and take on the role he ran away from before!! Be careful