Advice needed in Boston

Innomen

Hello, i am new to this forum, and am sorry if this is an Irish only deal. I am Irish though, but not in Ireland (my loss). Anyway, I am in a relationship of 7 years now. I love him more than anything, and would do anything for him. However sex is terrible. He will not allow penetration ever, and when we do get physical he takes my hands and guides them where he wants them to be. He is very affectionate and loving, but physically is so inhibited. He is from Latin America, and comes from a very conservative family. I know that he has a great deal of self-hatred for being gay, and have accepted this.

To make things worse, i have him on a pretty high pedestal. He is a truly good person in every sense of the phrase. For some reason i don't like that when i want to get physical, i would like someone not so "good".

I have been told that i should just cheat on him, but i cannot bring myself to do that, and am unsure how i would live with myself. To be honest, in a wierd way i wish he would cheat on me.

Anyone able to understand and or comment?

Annasopra

Talk to him about it

Dwn Wth Vwls

Innomen wrote: »

he takes my hands and guides them where he wants them to be

Is this not him trying to tell you what he likes? Do you mean that he stops you touching him and puts your hands in "boring" places?

This is a seven year relationship, if you can't talk to him about sex then something is wrong. Try a therapist if necessary, being physically inhibited at this stage is not really normal or healthy.

As for the pedestal, that seems quite common. A lot of people seem to prefer sex to be... the opposite of good and wholesome and sweet. I think ordinarily by now a couple would have explored that if one of them wanted it. Wishing he would cheat is just because it's the easy way out.

Innomen

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

Is this not him trying to tell you what he likes? Do you mean that he stops you touching him and puts your hands in "boring" places?

Yes, very boring places and the whole thing becomes more of something i just wish would end. I know he has fears about stuff, and i have tried to work on it, but if anything he is worse now than before.

This is a seven year relationship, if you can't talk to him about sex then something is wrong. Try a therapist if necessary, being physically inhibited at this stage is not really normal or healthy.

He would never agree to it, but i may suggest it.

As for the pedestal, that seems quite common. A lot of people seem to prefer sex to be... the opposite of good and wholesome and sweet. I think ordinarily by now a couple would have explored that if one of them wanted it. Wishing he would cheat is just because it's the easy way out.

Exactly, a little naughty would be nice. It isn't worth ending things over, but it has caused some considerable frustration. I have also taken to flirting on line and he caught me and it was a major problem. I really just look for some sort of excitement, and porn only goes so far. He doesn't like that either. It's like having sex with a saint.

Reflector

Fair play, you have to be commended for not wanted to cheat on your partner. You're an inspiration to other gay men who may not be so caring.
Anyway I think that this is a problem that needs to be tackled. It is delicate and noone likes to be called bad in bed. It is obvious that your partner is aware of this as well. I would say you need to approach him. Tell him that you love him but you are not physically satisfied in the relationship. Tell him that you want to work through it and suggest a therapist for "both" of you.
He may have issues that stem from a conservative background which may have lessened his libido and lowered his self esteem. These are all problems that can be overcome but he has to want it as well.

Rick_

If you have friends who are telling you to cheat on your partner, then they aren't friends at all. I'd be more inclined to ditch them than your partner.

Having said that, if the sex is boring/stilted, then just simply talk to him. You've been together 7 years, surely you should be able to talk about these things without there being an uncomfortable atmosphere. If it's a mental thing because of his upbringing then that can be worked upon and it can change. If it is just because he isn't interested in anal penetration (not all gay men are, remember) maybe that's something you should have discussed with him back when you started going out, not 7 years down the line.

Innomen

I am not saint, and i thank you for your advice. I especially thank you for the advice on not cheating on him because that has been floating around a lot. It is not common here to have an exclusive relationship, but rather an open relationship, in fact I know of only one other couple that are exclusive, and that is my estimation. I can easily rationalize my behavior, and end up feeling miserable by doing something that is a secret and behind his back.

I will try talking to him again, but it isn't easy. In an odd way this sort of discussion would be easier when we were just starting out, but now it seems we are so set in how we are that this sort of discussion is more of an uncomfortable experience. I also know that walls will go up.

I have a more delicate question: He complains that any penetration is painful for him, even with lube. He does like being a bottom, but apparently only in theory. Any suggestions there? He is also amazingly clean, any sort of preparations that will keep the experience clean. I am sorry if this is a little more graphic than should be on the board, but the anonymity makes it easier for me to ask here.
thanks.

Rick_

If it's painful, then surely plenty of lube and going slowly will eventually work it out. It might be painful for him because he's too tense, maybe trying some relaxing techniques might help, or poppers if they are available / legal in Boston. If he's worrying and tense about sexual contact maybe even talking might help him calm down and relax more so it won't be as painful.

Innomen

Tense is putting it mildly, and poppers are not an option.

It's going to be a process, and is going to take time. I just don't tend to have a lot of patience when i am in the moment. I tend to want more and accelerate things, going slow seems like it will take a great deal of effort and discipline. The joy is sort of spoiled by all of this.

Dwn Wth Vwls

Well the last seven years haven't gotten you where you want to be, so if that's not motivation to have some patience I don't know what is.

Jinxi

I hate to be the killjoy of this thread but imho this isn't going to work. You simply are sexually incompatible. Its been 7 years. Anyone who has been in a relationship this long will tell you that it gets more predicatable and comfortable with time. If you guys have NEVER had the hot hot sex that occurs in the first few years, its not very likely its going to happen now.

As someone already said, if you haven't been able to talk about it up until now, then obviously there are also large communication issues also.

But, just for a second, can you imagine if you did talk to him and he did everything you wanted. Imagine lying beside him after KNOWING he has just done something he really didn't want to do. I don't think you want him to just comply, I think you want him to enjoy the same kind of sex you do. And that is not going to happen.
I think you should work on ending the relationship gently can remain friends as I think you genuinely love him. And then work on finding someone who you are sexually and personality compatible with.

Untense

I know that he has a great deal of self-hatred for being gay, and have accepted this.

Are you saying he has accepted this or you have? If you truly accept him you would not be wishing him to be different for anything other than his own benefit. To be honest it sounds like you are wanting him to be different for your benefit.

On the other hand, is it very clear to him that not-accepting himself is unhealthy?
Have you spoken with him enough to see if this physical issue is related to his self-hatred, or is this just a guess? He may just not like sex in the same way you do.

He will not allow penetration ever, and when we do get physical he takes my hands and guides them where he wants them to be.

He's clearly not interested in the places you want him to be able to go, that's something that you both need to actually talk about to really establish why. You haven't mentioned ever having a conversation about this. It could just be who he is, maybe he is full of self loathing, maybe he's ticklish.

I will try talking to him again, but it isn't easy. In an odd way this sort of discussion would be easier when we were just starting out, but now it seems we are so set in how we are that this sort of discussion is more of an uncomfortable experience.

'Comfort' is just what we're used to. In that sense, if being closed, not communicating and being stuck in your ways is 'comfortable', it sounds like your relationship needs some serious discomfort.

I also know that walls will go up.

Walls will go up when people feel someone is not accepting them. I would bet when you try talk with him you bring up him. People react defensively to that, of course. Try focus on your problem. Yes, you're the one with a problem. You have a need to be intimate with this guy in specific ways and your problem is you feel this need isn't being met. In the meantime your boyfriend is just being who he is. It's not his fault, perhaps he doesn't even see it as a problem.

I have a more delicate question: He complains that any penetration is painful for him, even with lube.

It's a damn good reason why penetration is out of the question.

....It's going to be a process, and is going to take time. I just don't tend to have a lot of patience when i am in the moment.

How much time over the past 7 years has actually been comprised of being in 'the moment' ? I know sex is important, but how happy are you otherwise?

Beruthiel

Innomen wrote: »

I have been told that i should just cheat on him, but i cannot bring myself to do that

Don't.
You have been with this guy for 7 years. Most people can't manage 7 months. A 7 year relationship means there is something there. Ye have a connection.
There is no such thing as a perfect long term relationship. There will always be compromises, there will be ups and downs.

As Untense said above, in general, how happy are you in this relationship?
Do you want to stay in this relationship?
Can you see your life without him?

You need to talk to him, after 7 years, you must be able to come to some agreement between ye.

AnBealBocht

Innomen wrote: »

Tense is putting it mildly, and poppers are not an option.

It's going to be a process, and is going to take time. I just don't tend to have a lot of patience when i am in the moment. I tend to want more and accelerate things, going slow seems like it will take a great deal of effort and discipline. The joy is sort of spoiled by all of this.

I support those who urge you to attempt to maintain the relationship.

IF the problem is ' pain '[ of your partner's anal sphincter on attempted penile penetration] alone, then that is relatively easily overcome:

* Relieve up-front " tenseness " with alcohol, valium, etc.
* Digitally--fingers--dilate his anus during foreplay ( while whispering felicitious ' love-words ':-)
* Use varying sized dildos---over TIME
* Densensitize the anal sphincter with local anesthetic ( the pleasure of ' bottoming ' remains)
* Use a speculum to incrementally expand the anus
* If all else fails, then ' go oral '........ Good luck.