Trouble Coming Out

Conceited Cat

Hi all,
I’m a 23 year old guy and I’ve struggled with my sexuality for years until an event happened a couple of weeks ago that made me have to face up to who I am. It actually felt great to finally come out to myself and much to my surprise I felt really good about who I am and a little excited about this new journey I was setting out on.
After much thought I decided I was going to tell a close friend I made in college, a guy I felt very close to and who struck me as someone who’d understand being a bit more effeminate than some of my friends at home.
I organised to meet up with him and I told him I had something to tell him. I was nervous but really looking forward to telling someone. I met up with him as planned but I was unable to tell him. The words just couldn’t come out of my mouth. I felt physically sick. He knew something was wrong and emailed me later and I just blurted the whole thing out. His reply totally shocked me. He said he was weirded out and that he felt I had been dishonest with him while we were friends. I was shocked, angry and emotional when I emailed him back and basically ended our friendship.
Now I feel in limbo. I have a great bunch of friends most of whom I was sure would understand but I was also sure the guy I told would have the best reaction. I want to move on with my life now that I’ve come to accept it but I don’t know if I’d even be able to tell anyone else.
Has anything similar happened to anyone? What did you do/ how did you move on? How did it work out?
Also, what’s the best way to tell people? I genuinely was unable to say it out loud.

azezil

I was around your age (22 going on 23) when I came out. I too was surprised by the reaction of a close friend who responded in a similar way to yours. He thought I'd been hiding it from him, I however remained calm and explained to him that I didn't even know for sure myself and that he was one of the first people I told once I did get my head around it. It didn't take too long for him to come around and all was back to normal.

Most other people I told over text message.

Conceited Cat

Thanks for your quick response.
I'm still shocked by what he said but I do want to tell people and move on. I'm not gonna hide this forever so I'm gonna have to deal with their reactions sooner or later. God, I wish I came out years ago.
I think text might be the way to go alright, don't think I'll be able to manage telling anyone face to face just yet.
Do you think it'd be easier to come out to a girl? I have a female friend I'm very close to who I think would be cool about it. The only thing is she's from the same (very small) town as me so if she told anyone else the whole town would know.

Untense

...... a guy I felt very close to and who struck me as someone who’d understand being a bit more effeminate than some of my friends at home.

...... but I was also sure the guy I told would have the best reaction.

Did you tell him because he was someone you trust and judge to be an open, understanding friend, or was it a decision based on his apparent effeminacy?
You've mentioned one trait of his, he's effeminate.
You've not mentioned one trait which would indicate the guy is someone who is secure in his own sexuality, at least enough not to feel guarded around a gay person, or defensive that he himself might be suspected of being gay, or open minded enough to understand why someone would even keep this to themselves rather than 'lie'.

Do you think it'd be easier to come out to a girl? ......she's from the same (very small) town as me so if she told anyone else the whole town would know.

If you are genuinely concerned she is someone who might go off and 'tell the town', I'd question your criteria for judging people trustworthy. What counts is not that someone is female, or effeminate, it's whether they're a good friend - understanding, open minded and able to keep this to themselves unless you decide otherwise.

Conceited Cat

I know what you're saying, my criteria for judging who to tell was completely wrong. If I'm honest, I probably chose him to tell because I think he'd give me the least stick about it and because he lives far away from me. Being brutally honest he was a friend I could avoid if this all went wrong. I don't feel good about saying that but it's the truth.
As for my female friend again I probably felt she would give me less hassle about it than the lads and I wouldn't see her as much. (And it's not that I think she would tell the town, she wouldn't, it's just that I've never even said it out loud, much less told someone in our very, very small town.)

You're right, I should tell someone who's really trustworthy, not someone I think will react well or someone I can avoid.

Also, I never even considered that my friend's reaction could be based on being insecure of his own sexuality but that would make a lot of sense.

Thanks Untense.

Dwn Wth Vwls

Say it out loud to yourself. Practice it. Then start doing it with a mirror. Then ring one of the helplines and say it over the phone to one of them. Build up your confidence, then try again with someone in person.

If you want to salvage things with the other guy, just apologise for how you handled it and explain how hard you found it coming out to yourself, let alone anyone else. I would agree his bad reaction could be from his own insecurity. He may feel threatened in a "why is he telling me? does he think I'm gay too?" kind of way for all you know.

Aikon2009

Like you I struggled my with sexuality but since I faced up to too I do feel great about it, this has only be the pass 6months I'ave made sum new friends and being out in places I never taught i would bring myself to go near, yes your right it is an exciting journey! Only my parents and brother know! However I did tell a close friends, like you I did my best to tell him took about 3 meets up to say it! He was fine with it, but he never mentions it to me, even I was out on Sunday with my gay friends I told him but he never asks where I was like he would if say I was out with my brother! Hope time will help only told him 4weeks ago! I hope maybe in time your friend will be the same!

Conceited Cat

Hey folks,
My friend actually emailed me last night asking how I was and basically offering an olive branch. I admitted I got a bit mad and we got to chatting about stuff and I think we're gonna be okay.
Dwn wth vwls, I tried that last night and it was fairly tricky. I couldn't even whisper it without feeling weird. I guess I really need to be comfortable with it myself before I can say it to others and expect them to be.
Aikon2009, thanks for letting me know you were going through the same stuff. Can't believe you told your parents so quick, wow. Am dredding that myself. You must be very close to them. I'd be quicker to tell my friends than my parents (and I'm in no hurry to tell them!). I hope it all works out with your friend too. I think most people at their core are decent and understanding.

Untense

Conceited Cat wrote: »

Being brutally honest he was a friend I could avoid if this all went wrong. I don't feel good about saying that but it's the truth.

Give yourself a break. You had good reason for wanting the option of avoidance should things go to pot.

My friend actually emailed me last night asking how I was and basically offering an olive branch. I admitted I got a bit mad and we got to chatting about stuff and I think we're gonna be okay.

That's good news.

Dwn wth vwls, I tried that last night and it was fairly tricky. I couldn't even whisper it without feeling weird. I guess I really need to be comfortable with it myself before I can say it to others and expect them to be.

Most definitely. When you're more comfortable in your own skin, it won't matter so much how other people take it.

Annasopra

Conceited Cat wrote: »

Dwn wth vwls, I tried that last night and it was fairly tricky. I couldn't even whisper it without feeling weird. I guess I really need to be comfortable with it myself before I can say it to others and expect them to be.
.

Try ringing one of the helplines listed at
www.lgbt.ie

Conceited Cat

Thanks all.
I know everyone probably goes through the same stuff coming out but it's all so new and scary to me and talking it out with ye has really helped to calm me down.
Was chatting more to my friend and it's almost just like before now. It feels great.
Now to tell everyone else!
I'll let ye know how that works out!

endac1

Hi OP,

Longtime lurker, first time poster here!

Felt compelled to do so as your story is ridiculously similar to mine. I'm also a 23 yr old lad who recently decided that the time was right to eh, come out.

At this stage I've told about 5 or so of my friends and they've told they're friends etc. Everyone was absolutely fine with it and some were just offended I hadn't told them sooner!

But my friends girlfriend took the news in a weird way and hasn't talked to me for a while. We always get on great so hopefully she'll come around like your friend did and it'll all work out. Also can't fathom telling my folks. They're super conservative and catholic and stuff so I dunno what to do there.

Anywho, just wanted to say that this forum has been unbelievably helpful for advice and knowing someone else is going through the same thing as you is really comforting.

So thanks and sorry for kinda hi-jacking the thread there

Conceited Cat

Hi endac1.

Thanks for your post. As you said yourself, knowing someone else is going through the same stuff really helps.
Glad to hear you've had a mostly positive experience telling people. I've only told a few people so far and apart from the first guy's reaction (which I think was due to his own insecurities) the responce has been great. Just told a pal today and his responce couldn't have been better. Sorry 'bout your friends girfriend man, I hope she comes around. Doesn't it suck trying to justify what your sexuality just so happens to be?

As for the folks, I'm with you man. I cannot fathom EVER telling mine (and they're not even that conservative), but I really don't want them to hear from someone else. I dunno.

Also, I'd like to repeat your praise for this forum (+1 is it? I'm a noob!). Reading the posts here every day has helped me through this and me feel more connected to people like me.

endac1

Conceited Cat wrote: »

Thanks for your post. As you said yourself, knowing someone else is going through the same stuff really helps.
Glad to hear you've had a mostly positive experience telling people. I've only told a few people so far and apart from the first guy's reaction (which I think was due to his own insecurities) the responce has been great. Just told a pal today and his responce couldn't have been better. Sorry 'bout your friends girfriend man, I hope she comes around. Doesn't it suck trying to justify what your sexuality just so happens to be?

Ha. +1 is right!

Yea its a bit of a headwrecker alright. Especially when people ask you "Are you sure?" I mean its taken 23 years to figure it out, I think I'm pretty positive!

In my (very limited) experience, it helps having a few jars on ya before telling people but saying that, its probably not good practice. I told a friend sober yesterday actually and it wasn't that painful at all!

Actually feels pretty good

esposito

[QUOTE
it helps having a few jars on ya before telling people
[/QUOTE]

It certainly does! I've yet to tell a friend sober but I think with the next guy I will. Like you guys I can't see myself telling my parents for a long time. If they ask me am i gay i won't deny it, but just don't think now is the right time.

Annasopra

With regard to coming out to your parents, I've a couple of things to say on that front
1 I think you're all being a bit too fearful about it
2 There are groups out there such as 'parents support' that can help your parents through the process of you coming out see www.lovingouroutkids.org
3. I regret that I never came out to my mother before she died
4. Parents can and do react badly BUT in most cases they eventually change their attitudes and reactions to become more loving and supportive - I know of a man who was extremely prominently homophobic, yet now he dotes on his sons civil partner

Conceited Cat

Sorry to hear you never got to tell your mother johnnymcg. I never imagined that fate and it does put things in perspective. I love the idea of my parents accepting who I am and I know they probably would, eventually, but I'd say they'd need some time and I'm currently living at home so maybe now's not the right time.

Ironically enough, my initial falling out has served as a great way to break it to people. The way I've told anyone so far is by telling them about my falling out with the first guy and when they ask why I just tell them. And yes, it does feel good to tell people. It's like a weight I never knew was there being lifted. Also I've been 100% sober telling people thus far but my birthday's coming up soon so that could all change!

secman

My daughter would have found it extremely difficult to come out to me as I was extremely homophobic when she was growing up. I have very much changed my attitude since then and I suspected for quite a while that she was gay. I then coaxed her out and everything has benn fine, she is in a relationship with a lovely girl and is extremely happy. As parents that is all that matters to us. Thank god I was able to see the error of my ways, not proud of how I previously behaved. Anyways don't be one bit surprised that when you eventually come out to parents that one of them turns around and says " Sure we've known that for years "

Best of luck


secman

Conceited Cat

Thanks secman, it was good of you to share your story with us, it helps to hear the parents side of coming out and I'm delighted to hear everything's going well between you and your daughter.
I've decided just to tell my folks, I want them to know, I know they wouldn't want me to feel I had to hide it from them. I'm sure they will be supportive, they are not what I'd call homophobic but I do understand and respect that they come from a different generation with different values and norms. I'm not sure how I'll tell them, or when, but I hope when the time is right it just happens.

Annasopra

There is no rush conceited cat, do it when you feel comfortable

DubArk

Johnnymcg wrote: »

3. I regret that I never came out to my mother before she died

My Father, one of the coolest funniest kindest and loving people I ever had the privilege to know, never knew officially that I am Gay. In a way when he died, it acted as a catalyst for me to come out to my family. I think he sort of knew; as I kept visiting Ireland, at the time, with my house mate (my partner) from the UK. Dad always made my partner feel so welcome and did go out of his way, far more then he ever did for my straight mates that took trips here too.

You might then ask, why didn’t I tell him before it was too late? I have asked myself that same question so many times too… I remember this guy saying to me once; that my father would be spinning in his grave, if he knew that I was Gay!! I was so hurt by what he said..... but I knew instinctively that Dad would have been far more upset by that guys’ uninformed words and far more interested in my happiness.

I believe that at the time I was scared, of course, of telling him and my Mum because they’re the people, I would have found it so difficult, if they had rejected me…. It’s that fear that prevents people from moving forward… yeah tell a friend and if they reject you…well you can always make new friends but your parents!! You’ve only one set of them.

Now my whole family support my partner and me 100% from the day I came out.

I celebrate my Father and know he’s proud of me.

torch

Same situation to you, is what happening with me now. I don't no if it is good for me to come out and tell them who really i'am. I don't even know how would i tell it or whom should i tell it. Just praying to be as good as we would like it to be, in time we open it to people and specially to our family.