13year old smoking

pokerface78

hello there, i am looking for a bit of advice from anyone who has been in a similiar situation or could help me deal with this situation. We have a system in our house that if you feel you dont want to say something to another person you write it down.

This morning I found a note under my pillow that my daughter left before she went to school. She's 13 and has informed me that she is smoking. she says it started 2months ago and she smokes only one a day. she said she wanted to tell me herself, incase i heard it from anyone else..

Im gutted to be honest and dont know what to say to her, but inside im delighted she told me...mixed emotions. Any advise on how to deal with this???

cynder

My sister in law went through the same thing with her lad and his now 23 and still smokes...


Im sure she knows all the risks with smoking so dont bombard her with your gonna get cancer.

Ask her questions on why she feels to need to smoke.

Does it taste nice? (it really doesn't so you should work on that area as boys don't want to kiss girls with fag breath)

shes is only having one a day so whats the point in having one at all? ( presume it makes her feel one of the crowd)

Does she want to become addicted to them and every morning feel the need have one?

I started smoking at 15 but i never took it into my lungs just kept it in my mouth, it tasted horrible. i stopped after about 6 months i took it up again at 17/18 and never smoked since.

I think if she is going to do it you cant stop her, she probably has one on her lunch break at school or just after school. dont know your daughter so i dont know if reasoning would help.

http://smoking.ygoy.com/how-to-stop-kids-from-smoking/

http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/parenting/nicoteen-pangs-1644225.html

http://www.teachkidshow.com/teach-your-child-the-affects-of-smoking/



Good luck!

Moonbeam

Don't get angry with her,she told you which means she trusts you.
Talk to her,find out why she is smoking and then deal with that.
Being a 13 year old girl isn't the easiest thing in the world so I can almost bet it has something to do with her friends.

Noffles

Odd system... mysterious notes left around... but anyway..

My lad of 14 is now smoking and it is seriously pissing me off, my wife seems to think that " at least he's not doing anything else"... meaning drugs or drinking but in my opinion it's as bad as drinking and more costly and unhealthier.
My approach is the fire and brimstone, shouting, roaring keeping them in and stuff... hasn't worked yet but I'll just get angrier and see if that works?

VERYinterested

OP, It sounds to me like she was caught by someone you know and she is letting you know before this other person does. Saying she only smokes one a day covers her for anytime she is caught, sure it's only one... You can be sure she smokes more than one and this is the thin end of the wedge. I have a daughter and wife that both smoke. They are not allowed smoke in the house, I have offered to pay for quitting options but have never been taken up on it. Not sure how you'll get her to give up the damn things.

pokerface78

Moonbeam wrote: »

Don't get angry with her,she told you which means she trusts you.
Talk to her,find out why she is smoking and then deal with that.
Being a 13 year old girl isn't the easiest thing in the world so I can almost bet it has something to do with her friends.

i know what it is like to be 13, and peer pressure is so hard i think one of the hardest things a teenager will have to face and as parents we can advise them and support them but that only takes them so far. after that we have to trust that they will do the right thing
grindelwald thank you so much for the links, very informative, every bit helps:)

pokerface78

Noffles wrote: »

Odd system... mysterious notes left around... but anyway..

Odd to you maybe but it works for us, teenagers sometimes find it hard to talk to their parents as they feel they may get mad or shout at them, so at least by her leaving a note in a designated place in the house i will know what is going on in her life (as much as she wants me to know anyway )

messrs

i know this prob not a good option but anway....... i remember years ago when my uncle caught his then 13 year old daughter smoking, at the time he went out and bought a 10 box of major and sat her at the tabel and told her he knew she was smoking and made her smoke the 10 in a row - they were so horrible and made her sick and she never smoked after that - not encouraging that option - just saying it worked for him

cynder

pokerface78 wrote: »

Odd to you maybe but it works for us, teenagers sometimes find it hard to talk to their parents as they feel they may get mad or shout at them, so at least by her leaving a note in a designated place in the house i will know what is going on in her life (as much as she wants me to know anyway )

I use the same system, have done for about 3 years. I think its great, its easier for them to write to down then tell you to your face. My ladys 10.

Smoking at 13 or 14, nowadays there's a good chance they'll be on hash or weed at 16 and drinking too. It's rarely the well behaved kids who start smoking that young, usually the rebellious, troublesome or in some cases arse wipes that think they're tough.

Davidth88

OP you should feel really proud of yourself that your daughter can communicate with you ( all be via a note ) . I truly hope that when my daughter reaches the same age she can trust me as much.


What to do now ?

Well , a serious chat , obvious health issues , or even about the money !

Good luck , you have obviously done a great job up till now !!

mariaf24

Just a few things i want to say... Don't post here much so not sure if this will help.

Firstly,I agree with the person who said she probably told you because she knew someone knew and was going to tell you anyway,e.g. a teacher,friends mum etc...

I started smoking when i was 13 (am 24 now and only quit a yr ago) and i remember telling my mother at 13. As embarrassing and ridiculous as it seems now i think i told i mother for 'attention'. 'I smoke'... I'm bad,I'm trouble... what are you going to do? Or 'I'm growing up'...

It DEFINITELY has something to do with friends or trying to impress someone.

I would try to reason with a 13 yr olds and hit them where it hurts - their skin,nails,hair,teeth. Girls this age really do care about these and may not have thought of cigarettes as damaging to looks.

Also,may i ask where a 13 yr old would get cigarettes? I think this should be your main concern and also money etc. Like someone else said,im sure she doesn't just smoke '1' a day...

Hope this helps,sorry its a bit all over the place. I am a mother myself now and cringe when i look back,its just a phase. :)

Neyite

point out the physical - its ultimately vanity that caused my sisters and me to quit:

yellow/ brown teeth
dull bad skin
wrinkles around the mouth
bad breath
smell off clothes or hair,
yellow fingernails


also, all the pocket money she is spending on it - €8.50 (ish??) per pack, could be better put to use on new clothes.

good luck

Rubberlegs

RoverJames wrote: »

Smoking at 13 or 14, nowadays there's a good chance they'll be on hash or weed at 16 and drinking too. It's rarely the well behaved kids who start smoking that young, usually the rebellious, troublesome or in some cases arse wipes that think they're tough.

I started smoking at about 14, have never had any interest in smoking weed and was never a big drinker, can take or leave it, mostly leave it. I was a well behaved kid and certainly not an " arse wipe", but can be tough lol . I started to look cool I guess and actually enjoyed the secrecy, though had my poor younger sister under dire threats if she ratted on me!! By the time I was 19 I'd given up, tbh was only really a social smoker and I firmly believe some have more addictive personalities than others. As a mother I wouldn't dream of smoking myself but found out my girl was trying it out at about 14 too. Smelt it off her, but thought absolutely no point in freakin out, just explained the facts to her, told her her cash would all be gone if she continued as she got older, also the health risks. She soon lost interest. I may be wrong but I think kids sometimes copy what they see at home and neither of us smoke. I would not be too worried, the majority of them will try it at some stage, it doesn't necessarily mean it'l become a lifetime habit. My partners Dad did the whole making him smoke a whole box and it worked a treat on him!!

secman

Ask her to approach seasoned smokers for advice and whether they wished they never started. Thats what I did with my 2 kids and they stopped thank God.

Secman

Mary Hairy

Smoking at 13, Drinking at 14, Drugs at 15, Pregnant at 16, Married at 17, Separated at 18, Dead at 19 with three children in care. Stop the cycle now!

cynder

Mary Hairy wrote: »

Smoking at 13, Drinking at 14, Drugs at 15, Pregnant at 16, Married at 17, Separated at 18, Dead at 19 with three children in care. Stop the cycle now!

Now that is OTT.

Lando Griffin

Go to your local and ask for a few fag butts, and when she is at school place them in her room.
When she gets home she will nearly choke on the smell and should want to give them up instantly.
Advise her that this is what she is letting herself in for, and remove the offending butts from her room.

sNarah

pokerface78 wrote: »

hello there, i am looking for a bit of advice from anyone who has been in a similiar situation or could help me deal with this situation. We have a system in our house that if you feel you dont want to say something to another person you write it down.

This morning I found a note under my pillow that my daughter left before she went to school. She's 13 and has informed me that she is smoking. she says it started 2months ago and she smokes only one a day. she said she wanted to tell me herself, incase i heard it from anyone else..

Im gutted to be honest and dont know what to say to her, but inside im delighted she told me...mixed emotions. Any advise on how to deal with this???

First of all, fair play to her for telling you. Obviously this means that she knows it's "wrong" and feels guilty from hiding it from you and/or anxious that you might find out. She might even not want to be smoking, perhaps a case of peer pressure and the note is sort of a "way out"? In fairness, this is a very positive thing.

Secondly, I am a smoker myself, started at 12/13 because I thought it was "cool" but really got hooked on them at the age of 17. So that's a 4 year difference and I think that if I hadn't kept at 'trying to be cool' in those 4 years, I'd probably wouldn't be smoking at this stage.

RoverJames wrote: »

Smoking at 13 or 14, nowadays there's a good chance they'll be on hash or weed at 16 and drinking too. It's rarely the well behaved kids who start smoking that young, usually the rebellious, troublesome or in some cases arse wipes that think they're tough.

Sorry but that's just offensive to every smoker in the world and utterly outrageous. Suprisinly, I see plenty of alcoholics who have never smoked a fag in their lives. I really don't see what the one has to do with the other.

secman wrote: »

Ask her to approach seasoned smokers for advice and whether they wished they never started. Thats what I did with my 2 kids and they stopped thank God.

Secman

TBH, never thought of this before, nor heard it before, I must say that seems like a very good idea! TBH, preaching, shouting, guilty emotional blackmail does not work. And I can tell, because that's what my mother tried . I'd say she nearly tried everything and - as you can tell - to no avail. I think a reasonable approach could be benificial as it shows a level of "trust" for your daughter which will make her feel all "adult" and I think that might actually work!

Mary Hairy wrote: »

Smoking at 13, Drinking at 14, Drugs at 15, Pregnant at 16, Married at 17, Separated at 18, Dead at 19 with three children in care. Stop the cycle now!

Uh. Yeah. That's exactly how it works. Did you know that French kissing also can get you pregnant!!! :eek: Sorry, I really hope you were being sarcastic there...

Anyway, best of luck with it, let us know how you get one! Hopefully it is just a phase she's going through and you''ll be able to nip the smoking in the bud!

the_syco

Do either of her parents smoke? Do any relations that she respects smoke?

pokerface78

Lando Griffin wrote: »

Go to your local and ask for a few fag butts, and when she is at school place them in her room.

Im putting that on my list of things to do today

sNarah wrote: »

First of all, fair play to her for telling you. Obviously this means that she knows it's "wrong" and feels guilty from hiding it from you and/or anxious that you might find out. She might even not want to be smoking, perhaps a case of peer pressure and the note is sort of a "way out"? In fairness, this is a very positive thing.

Thanks you for you support and advise! Im trying to get to the bottom of it, but my initial thought was peer pressure, she is no angel but smoking I really didnt think she would try. All members of her immediate family are non smokers! Maybe it is out of panic that she told me because she got caught by someone, but since no-one has come and reported it to me so at least she had the cop on to say it to me first and be honest.
when i was 13 i would have denied it out of fear and said i was just holding it for someone haha!

the_syco

pokerface78 wrote: »

when i was 13 i would have denied it out of fear

More like: you would have denied it out of fear of getting a slap.

Agent Smith

the_syco wrote: »

More like: you would have denied it out of fear of getting a slap.

Its True, I'm going on 25 and I still flinch when i see my mother with a wooden spoon :pac:

Nemanja91

I was warned that if I was caught smoking I would have my legs broken and it worked

TargetWidow

The eldest in my family was kicked out of home for drinking and smoking (crashed my dads car with his girlfriend) when he was just 18 and I was 7ish. It was used as a demonstration to the other 7 of us for the duration of our time at home.,.. the old "you live in our house, you live by our rules" thing. We KNEW they meant business. I didn't drink or smoke till I left home. Although I did take one "puff" of a ciggy once in a bus when I was 14, out of 100% peer pressure and it made me so ill it prevented me from starting for years....

I really do admire the note system you have. I think it's wonderful that the lines of communication are so open between you. 13 is an awful age for girls. There is so much pressure to be this sexy woman that really you cannot be yet. Maybe it could be a good time for her to begin going with her mam for girly days out to the hairdresser, nails or a facial or girly lunch with some aunts? Are there any very strong female role models in your environment to which you could introduce her?Keep an eye on the reading material and tv to which she has access. You still need to have a chat with her about it though, and like other posters have said, I would steer away from lecturing her. If she really is the good girl you think she is (I was but I didn't realize it!) she will be disturbed by the fact that it IS illegal for her to buy cigarettes. You need to know who is supplying them and where the money is coming from. Report the shop or adult who is the supply line. If it is pocket money supplied by you, personally I would tackle that. Cut the supply line if possible. ~Watch out for a cute boy in the vicinity who smokes.;)

gandalf

My father noticed that I was getting curious about cigarettes when I was around 7 or 8. He used to smoke Major so he lit one up and gave it to me and said go on have a puff. I did nearly coughed up my lungs and never looked at one since then, that's over 3 decades ago.

The thing is he made it my decision not to touch them and you should persuade your daughter by making it her decision and not you forbidding her to smoke. I think the vanity route is the best one to take and highlighting how smoking can diminish her looks.

Jinxi

I would advise you to get someone your child thinks is "cool", some 17-25 year old who smokes and ask them to talk to them about the horros of smoking. It worked with my 12 year old nephew. My partner(his uncle) was someone he looked up to. He told him about why he started(honestly) and how hard it was to quit.
It led to an incredibly honest and open relationship between the two. It really helped down the line with more serious issues that arose(there are WAY more serious issues to come).
One thing that was really important was that my partner told him that everything he told him was private from his parents, unless he deemed it to be a danger to his or someones health/safety(this was with his parents permission).
Worked a treat!