Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Tell him I'm bi?

Options
  • 06-05-2010 11:08pm
    #1
    Msirishbell
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27 ✭


    Hi All,

    Bit of a dilemma, have met a lovely guy and have been going out for a while now. Just wondering do you think I should tell him I'm bi now.

    Its not that I want to hide it as such but don't want it to colour his impression of me while we're still only starting out. Maybe I should wait till down the line a bit. On saying that if it did somehow come up in conversation I defintely wouldn't lie about it.

    I don't really think he'd have a problem with it as such but there seems to be this impression out there that if your bi it means you'll run off with a girl at the first opportunity which couldn't be further from the truth. I'd feel awful if he thought that. I would never cheat on anyone and its not a case of settling for a guy, i really like him. I hate that some people seem to think that being bi means I'd really prefer girls. For me its just a matter of meeting someone I connect with whatever the gender.


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    Dwn Wth Vwls
    Registered Users Posts: 401 ✭✭Dwn Wth Vwls


    There's no real way to know when the right time is. I think however your best bet is to approach in as casual a way as possible. If you sit him down and "have a talk" or "have something to tell him" it just sends all the wrong signals. It implies you want something to change, or it's a terrible secret, or a confession, or that he should react to it somehow.

    Maybe you could just try being more open without really thinking about it. When you see a beautiful woman, comment on it. Discuss your attractions to both men and women you see on TV, etc. Casually build on the fact that you like both, while still making it clear that you're only interested in him. Then, at some point he may question you about it, or the opportunity may arise. At that point you can casually mention that well sure, you're bisexual, but it's not a big deal.


  • Options
    #3
    Goodshape
    Registered Users Posts: 8,488 ✭✭✭Goodshape


    I was going to suggest pretty much the oposite approach to Dwn Wth Vwls'!

    This seems to be an issue for you, never mind him, so yeah - I'd tell him. Save it plaguing on your mind.

    I don't know what kind of a guy he is, or girl you are, and a lot would be dependant on that, but if you're worried he might jump to conclusions of the promiscuous bi-sexual who's going to run off with the first female you spot, then dropping wee hints and commenting on the beautiful woman, while waiting for his response, doesn't sound like the best idea to me!

    This probably is something to sit down and talk about. Not in a scary "I have something to confess" way, but simply in a way that will give you the opportunity to put any misconceptions he might have to bed. Heh.


    Good luck with it all anyway!


  • Options
    #4
    Mute
    Closed Accounts Posts: 181 ✭✭Mute


    I totally agree with previous post.

    If you have "the chat" about your bisexuality then it becomes the issue.

    And talking from experience it goes two ways(pardon the pun)

    1. He will freak and think that anytime your not with him that your with a woman

    2. He will be thrilled and try to witness you being with a woman while he is there/participating.

    I would just go with the flow and if it comes up then just be honest.

    But just one more piece of advice( against what you said about being faithfull).....if he or she is the one then you cant be Bi any more.


  • Options
    #5
    AvaKinder
    Registered Users Posts: 271 ✭✭AvaKinder


    I second the second poster:) For myself, I've never actually sat anyone down and 'came out' as such. I tend to just let it be known that I like people, regardless of gender. Or let it come up in conversation. I think probably might feel like a big issue, but maybe you can try to just let it come out naturally?

    Although of course, only comment on famous hot chicks, not on anyone you know IRL!


  • Options
    #6
    Msirishbell
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27 ✭Msirishbell


    Thanks alot for the advice, i really appreciate it.

    i'm going to have to think about it, I'm thinking the casual approach probably sounds best. If I sit him down it probably would give impression of being a big issue.

    In the meantime if anyone else has any pearls of wisdom, feel free to comment.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    Dwn Wth Vwls
    Registered Users Posts: 401 ✭✭Dwn Wth Vwls


    Mute wrote: »
    ...if he or she is the one then you cant be Bi any more.

    If you're bi, you're bi. Monogamy doesn't magically change your orientation. Being bi does not mean you need a person of each gender.


  • Options
    #8
    Goodshape
    Registered Users Posts: 8,488 ✭✭✭Goodshape


    Mute wrote: »
    if he or she is the one then you cant be Bi any more.
    What the hell? Really wouldn't have thought it worked that way. Being in a monogamous relationship doesn't change your sexuality, surely.



    OP -- I'm not bisexual myself so wouldn't have direct experience of these issues from your perspective. It's likely a non-issue (it would be for me if I were going out with a bisexual) but if it's on your mind I'd still say tell him so.


  • Options
    #9
    Msirishbell
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27 ✭Msirishbell


    Don't know how to copy a quote but I found that comment odd too. If I'm dating a guy I don't suddenly think 'I'm straight now' and likewise If I were dating a girl I wouldn't suddenly become a lesbian.


  • Options
    #10
    Mute
    Closed Accounts Posts: 181 ✭✭Mute


    Goodshape wrote: »
    What the hell? Really wouldn't have thought it worked that way. Being in a monogamous relationship doesn't change your sexuality, surely.



    OP -- I'm not bisexual myself so wouldn't have direct experience of these issues from your perspective. It's likely a non-issue (it would be for me if I were going out with a bisexual) but if it's on your mind I'd still say tell him so.


    Sorry my posy was taken out of context...

    My point is that if hes "the one" regardless of sexuality then faithfullness applies.
    If your faithfull as you claim to be then its about being faithfull with your current partner.
    Your sexuality is then irrelevant....Thats all babes!


  • Options
    #11
    Mute
    Closed Accounts Posts: 181 ✭✭Mute


    Ok let me try again.

    My comments are trying to be helpful and are based on experience with the intent of helping the OP.

    If Im in love with my partner and want to commit to them for the rest of my life(which I am) then whether Im gay bisexual or fancy animals is irrelevant.

    And if that is the case then I dont think telling him/her would be helpful!


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #12
    ShagNastii
    Registered Users Posts: 4,846 ✭✭✭ShagNastii


    I went out with a bisexual girl for two years. When I enter the relationship I knew she was a bi-sexual. So I can't really comment on the how to tell him. I was total cool about it(as most saavy guys should be) and respected the girl's sexually.

    I think you should tell him casually but make sure he realises how being "bi-sexual" isn't just a throw away thing. It is a bit of an issue (not baggage, but you know what I mean? You wouldn't be posting here if you didn't feel something). It doesn't mean wahey threesome for me. It doesn't mean you are going to go off kissing girls. It doesn't mean you look at him any differently.

    Edit: Speaking from what I expirienced. If this guy is "the one" and you really see him yadda yadda yadda etc. Is don't tell him an option. I would echo what Mute said
    If you're faithfull as you claim to be then its about being faithful with your current partner.
    Your sexuality is then irrelevant


  • Options
    #13
    Dwn Wth Vwls
    Registered Users Posts: 401 ✭✭Dwn Wth Vwls


    Mute wrote: »
    If Im in love with my partner and want to commit to them for the rest of my life(which I am) then whether Im gay bisexual or fancy animals is irrelevant.

    I see what you mean, but I don't agree. Your sexuality is a part of you, even if only a small part. You can't ignore half of it and pretend it doesn't exist. You still need the freedom to express yourself and be honest, which is nothing to do with being monogamous.


  • Options
    #14
    ShagNastii
    Registered Users Posts: 4,846 ✭✭✭ShagNastii


    Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »
    I see what you mean, but I don't agree. Your sexuality is a part of you, even if only a small part. You can't ignore half of it and pretend it doesn't exist. You still need the freedom to express yourself and be honest, which is nothing to do with being monogamous.

    I don't want to hijack the thread (or disrespect the OP situation) but agree with Mute. If she says she is bi or if she doesn't how exactly is she going to act differently in the relationship. Once she tells him can she then tell him a girl is hot without feeling guilty or what?

    God you bisexbots are difficult to understand. :o I saw it with my ex. Bisexuals cry out for some identity, I feel for yas. She said it to me. She really wanted people to know she was bisexual (come out I guess) but people are soo clueless and judgemental (to the whole bi thing) she couldn't.


  • Options
    #15
    Mute
    Closed Accounts Posts: 181 ✭✭Mute


    Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »
    I see what you mean, but I don't agree. Your sexuality is a part of you, even if only a small part. You can't ignore half of it and pretend it doesn't exist. You still need the freedom to express yourself and be honest, which is nothing to do with being monogamous.

    I dont think there is a difinitive answer to you question.

    Its about who you are and who he is.

    Different strokes for different folks.

    Maybe its my age(late 30's) but when I was younger, and advertised my bisexuality it hinted that I was prone to promiscuity which maybe was true.
    But now that Ive found my ideal partner whom I love dearly then I dont think tellling them Im bisexual will add to my relationship.


  • Options
    #16
    Dwn Wth Vwls
    Registered Users Posts: 401 ✭✭Dwn Wth Vwls


    Mute wrote: »
    But now that Ive found my ideal partner whom I love dearly then I dont think tellling them Im bisexual will add to my relationship.

    Your partner doesn't know you're bi?


  • Options
    #17
    Mute
    Closed Accounts Posts: 181 ✭✭Mute


    Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »
    Your partner doesn't know you're bi?

    No they dont know because its irrelevant to the relationship and if I introduced it now after 5 years of marraige I dont see any advantages in it.


  • Options
    #18
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    As part of getting to a know a person people will often mention tell stories about themselves, that would usually be how I would mention it. "I once went to X with my gf at the time..."

    Just beacuse I am in a relationship with a guy or that I've had kids doesn't make me any less bisexual, it's part of who I am and I don't want to have to hide it or worry about being caught looking at an attractive woman.

    Personally if someone had of kept thier sexuality for me and not told me, or trusted me and had lied to me about it, it would do a lot of damage to the realtionship.


  • Options
    #19
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,062 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Mute wrote: »
    But just one more piece of advice( against what you said about being faithfull).....if he or she is the one then you cant be Bi any more.
    Monogamy does not mean that a person loses their bisexuality!

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Options
    #20
    A Primal Nut
    Registered Users Posts: 5,949 ✭✭✭A Primal Nut


    I think some posters are making this out to be a bigger deal than it actually is. I have dated two girls who told me they were bi (I know how to pick them) and they both told me as if it was nothing, which is what it is. In the early stages it just came up in the conversation; one of them was asking me about what girls I like, and then she just said she was bi and she likes a certain kind of girl. That said, I'm very easy going and she knew I wouldn't care. I was curious about it more than anything.

    I can't imagine any guy really caring about this stuff: all those posters saying: "sit him down and tell him you have something important to tell him" is rediculous. The only way I would suggest to do this is if he is very conservative or religious or something. That said, you do seem quite nervous about it yourself which suggests you aren't sure how he will respond; but if you are really comfortable with someone, it shouldn't be difficult to lead a conversation in that direction and tell him. You'd be very unlucky if he's in the very low percentage of guys who would react in a weird manner. Most lads would just be curious.


  • Options
    #21
    claire h
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,056 ✭✭✭claire h


    I don't think it's a low percentage of guys that react weirdly - even those who are cool with it often have a couple of funny ideas at the back of their minds, along the lines of the things the OP mentioned. Or it comes up as an issue during arguments, when people's rational brains are half-switched-off. But I do think it's a rather glaring omission - it's not like it's a part of your history, it's a part of who you are, and the longer you wait, the more ominous it's going to seem.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #22
    PCPhoto
    Registered Users Posts: 6,584 ✭✭✭PCPhoto


    my experience of a bi partner is slightly different:

    years ago was going out with a girl - didnt know she was bi - until she offered a threesome, but said she'd have a threesome with her GF if I had a threesome with a male friend of hers also..... I turned her down.

    and found out she had the GF before me so .... the idea of having a GF who has a GF was confusing to a younger me.... couldnt handle it.

    as regards the OP - being bi doesnt mean you have to tell or hide it from your partner, I regularly point out cute guys/girls to my current GF, neither of us are bi but can identify a person the other could consider cute - its kind of a game..... if you tell your partner some of your history then tell some of your history - dont hide the fact you have had female partners, after all.... he might like the thought/idea of you with another person (male or female)...I dont see any reason why he would get turned off by your history - it doesnt affect him - the most important thing is you are with him and have feelings for him - so what if you can spot someone attractive regardless of sex....if someones hot its something to appreciate.


  • Options
    #23
    ShagNastii
    Registered Users Posts: 4,846 ✭✭✭ShagNastii


    Does that mean for arguements sake if my father (who has been married to my mother for 26 years) was bisexual he would feel the need to be true with me and himself n tell me he is a bisexual?

    As you stated it would be his sexually. A big part of his make up.


  • Options
    #24
    claire h
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,056 ✭✭✭claire h


    ShagNastii wrote: »
    Does that mean for arguements sake if my father (who has been married to my mother for 26 years) was bisexual he would feel the need to be true with me and himself n tell me he is a bisexual?

    As you stated it would be his sexually. A big part of his make up.

    You're conflating the honesty about one's sexuality one might expect from a sexual partner with the honesty about one's sexuality one might expect from a parent?


  • Options
    #25
    boxercreations
    Registered Users Posts: 192 ✭✭boxercreations


    I agree with Mute.
    When I was younger I needed to shout and holler, snog women snog men, find myself in fairly dangerous situations and unknown bedrooms -anything to make me feel "me".

    Now at late thirties also I have done a lot of soul searching in the last few years as to whether I am bi, bi curious, lesbian in denial and my conclusion....
    I don't give a rats.
    If I find that connection it wont be based on any preconceptions, gender or sexual orientation. I will be monogamous - that matters more.
    If you need a label then tell him but make sure that you know whether you are telling him for his sake (needs to know) or for yours (needs to confess - which is how you make it sound)


Advertisement