When to tell new partner you cannot have kids

prinz

Sound Bite wrote: »

1. Do I have a right to be angry with him? I suspect not but can't help the way i feel.

Did he treat you in any way badly? Are you angry at the situation itelf or him in particular? If it's the whole scenario... that's natural. If it's this guy in particular then did he give you any reason to be angry at him really?

Sound Bite wrote: »

2. Would you date/stay with someone in a similar situation? Be honest. Don't say yes just cause you feel sorry for me or some other reason.

I was put in a similar situation. I didn't stay. It would have been unfair on both of us to continue the relationship. She knew what she wanted (or in this case never wanted -kids) and I knew what I wanted, kids, marriage, family etc. That was it. We ended it straight away. There ws no point in continuing from my perspective nor from hers.

Sound Bite wrote: »

3. Will this keep happening? Not looking for a new relationship and probably won't be for a long time but am I in a situation where I'll end up hurt again and again....Don't exactly know how you can look for infertile men only!

No! There are plenty of guys out there who have no interest in having kids of their own etc. It might be harder to sort them out but they do exist.

CDfm

OP -you cant live on what ifs.

i think you have been very fair and I know a few couple who cant have kids .

As for not getting into a new relationship well there are lots of men who dont want children or are very ambivalent about them. More than you would think.

So my take on it for you is that you should get out there and start socialising. Put yourself in the zone with women who say they dont want kids as many say that when they cant have them.

You are the same person you were pre-diagnosis and sound very caring to me.There are lots of good guys out there who would love to meet someone like you.

bronte

That's sad op, but I think it's a case of being angry at the situation not at him. This isn't your fault or his.
My last break up was because he wanted marriage/kids etc and at that point in my life it wasn't going to happen.
I broke up with him because it didn't make sense to stay together.
I remember being angry at the situation, but not at him.
I think that's normal.

There are a LOT of guys out there who don't want to be parents.
As someone else mentioned it might be an idea to say you don't want kids.
I would be as upfront as possible from the beginning though.

It may take more time but I'm sure you'll find your prince.

BettePorter

op you seem to have it ingrained in your head now that being unable to have kids is the 'deal breaker' in this and every relationship you may have in the future. it's not. it s just one of the many facets that make a relationship. i'm still of the opinion that you told him too soon. two /three/four months is not long enough to have a strong enough connection to warrant such a discussion. if you look at it another way, if your sister came to you and said she was marrying the guy she met four months ago you would say ' it's too soon, sure you barely know him', regardless of how well they got on . likewise why limit your entire relationship prospects to that one issue 3 months into a relationship. give ppl a chance to love you for you, not have preconceptions of your long term contribution to the relationship.
you can't have kids......it's a condition......you didn't go out and get sterilised while you were dating. you're beating yourself up as some kind of damaged goods, who may meet the perfect guy but instead of allowing him to fall in love with every other facet of your personality first, you prefice every meeting with,' hi my name is xxxx , thanks for the drink but i should mention i can't have kids'.

there are enough kids in the world needing saving and enough ppl in the world needing love....why think that just cause you can't produce one, means you have to sabotage your chances of finding the other.

CathyMoran

OP, I am so sorry for you - all that I can say is that not all men are like that. I needed a course of treatment urgently a few years ago that would mean that it would be unlikely that I could have children - delaying treatment (to have my eggs frozen) would increase my likelyhood of the treatment not working. My then fiancee not only encouraged me to get the treatment but nursed me during and afterwards - we had a tough journey but we now have an 8 week old son.

billybigunz

It's none of his business. Your obligations to him are as a partner not a babymaking machine.

vicecreamsundae

hi OP.
in my opinion, whether you have the ability to get pregant or not, is not that important. plenty of people can't and there are ways around it. i think if two people were in love and broke up because one of them was infertile, that would be extremely shallow.

what's more important is whether you WANT children. if you feel strongly one way or another, then yes, you should probably mention it to your partner. there are ways around natural pregnancy, and not being able to get pregnant no longer means you won't raise a family, it just involves more work. if you actually don't want children, and your partner thinks he might, then it's a fair enough reason to break up, and i guess he deserves to know. but if you think you want children in the future and your partner does too, then it should not be a dealbreaker... and if it is, then screw him.

but i do think you should tell him, because if its not a dealbreaker, then no harm, and if it is a dealbreaker, then you're better off not wasting YOUR time.
ultimately, someone should be with you because they love you, not because of your duty to provide them a child.