Part-time dad -- article by Niamh O'Mahony

Klingon Hamlet

This is an article in the Cork News, copied from this page:

Niamh O'Mahony meets the heartbroken fathers determined to play a part in their children's lives.

Having the right to contribute to your child’s life is something many of us are take for granted, a point reinforced by a widely-reported ruling handed down in the High Court last week. A man, who is not the guardian of his three children in law, was told that his former partner did not act unlawfully in taking the pair’s children to England just weeks after their own relationship had ended.

Under current Irish legislation, unmarried fathers have no automatic legal rights in respect of their children – in contrast to mothers - even if their name is included on the child’s birth certificate.

Guardianship rights – which cover responsibilities towards the child’s religious and educational upbringing as well as any health needs – can only be acquired by agreement between both parents or with an application to the District Court.

On a practical level, it means that if a child requires medical attention, an unmarried father who has not been granted guardianship cannot give any directions regarding care – this is the mother’s right alone – and with a third of all children in this country now born outside of marriage, it is an area that is likely to cause more and more concern over the coming years.

One Cork father, Jonathan*, spoke to The Cork News about his experiences as a guardian to his son and said he would have been lost without support from the National Men’s Council of Ireland and the Unmarried & Separated Fathers of Ireland (USFI).

“I am a guardian for my son, but I think it means nothing. That High Court case is going to start ripping families apart because happy couples, who are together, are going to have to go to court and become guardians to protect themselves. I think it’s going to start forcing families into conflict.

“The first thing I did was to find people I knew could help me. When I went into court – and I’m not ashamed to say it – I was accused of being a rapist and of being suicidal. I proved everything false because I surrounded myself with people who gave me the courage to fight back with my dignity intact.

“Some people think I brought her to court to get back at her, but I didn’t. The child was sick so I told her that she should be spending more time with him and she stopped me seeing my son over that. I don’t talk to her now - my Mam collects my son for me – but she’s actually a very good mother. It’s just that the child should always come first.

“I see the small fella four days a week and have one overnight (stay) now, but I actually don’t think that’s good enough. I want to be more involved instead of a couple of hours here and there. When she stopped me seeing him, even though it was only eight weeks, it was amazing how much I missed. Every time he comes over to me, it’s like he’s totally different because he’s growing up so fast and I only have one night a week where I can read him a bedtime story, put him to bed and be a dad.”

Despite his experiences, Jonathan believes the issue of guardianship is a complicated matter. He is, however, hoping to start up a support group in Cork under the umbrella of USFI and its founder Ray Kelly and said that local Councillor Ken O’Flynn has been a considerable help in that process.

“If guardianship becomes automatic, what about these absent fathers who turn up out of the blue to make the mother’s life hell? There are fellas out there who really don’t give a damn and the rest of us are being tarred with that same brush. There was a father up in Dublin and the rope was pulled off his neck – he was going to kill himself because he couldn’t see his child.

“But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Songs like Daddy’s Gone (Glasvegas) bring tears to your eyes and if I see my son in town, the buggy is pushed around me - and that’s heart breaking. Your child is seen as a weapon and the love you have for him is used to hurt you but the minute you start hating the system or hating your ex is the minute you start losing. I have tunnel vision – if your child is in a park and there’s a man in there with the child, make that person be you. Everything else is a distraction.”

Liam Ó Gogáin, chairman of support group Parental Equality, believes that grandparents have a crucial role to play when it comes to guardianship and says that most unmarried fathers have no idea that they are effectively “a legal stranger” to their child, even though they might even live at the same address.

“People think that just because the father’s name is on the birth certificate it’s supposed to mean something, but it just so happens that it has no legal meaning whatsoever,” he explained. “The level of shock when people discover the reality of the situation is like the apple falling on Newton’s head. Most people get highly emotive and some don’t believe what you’re telling them. After that comes the anger, and ‘How could this be?’ but we, as a nation, tend to be trapped by fear as opposed to doing something about it.”

Mr. Ó Gogáin is a strong advocate of all fathers’ rights – married or otherwise – and says a massive culture change is needed with fathers taking full responsibility for their child and putting that same child’s needs before his own.

“Most of the unmarried fathers I’ve spoken to are really angry with the High Court judge but he actually acted correctly in law. There was no wriggle room - the fact the law is an ass is a separate issue.

Legislation would help, but I don’t think it will happen. We're not remotely ready to deal with this and men come to the realisation that this is not their right, it’s their duty. Grandparents, on both sides, are vital cogs in all of this. They are one step back from any personal difficulties a young couple might be having and they’ve lived long enough to realise that life goes beyond one generation.

Grandparents might also have the bit of knowledge and time to go get the bit of paper and get it in front of the two parents.”

Katharine Kelleher, a Family Law solicitor with Cork-based Comyn Kelleher Tobin, said the High Court ruling has caused “a wide amount of consternation” amongst unmarried fathers and pointed out that the legislation, which primarily governs the area, is now 46 years old.

“It’s normal now for people to live together in non-marital relationships and people tend to think that they are ‘common law’ wives or husbands, but there’s no such thing,” she explained. “Many people are unaware that they have far less rights if they are unmarried and my advice to unmarried fathers is that they need to get themselves appointed as guardians of their children.

“An amendment in 1997 to the Guardianship of Infants Act 1964 allows fathers to become a guardian with a declaration. We would do a couple of those a year and it’s a simple case of both parties coming in and signing a declaration to the effect that they are both guardians. Often those agreements reflect matters of custody as well.

“Fathers can also go down to the District Court and apply to be appointed guardian and a lot of times those applications do go through. Some people prefer a court order over a private declaration but I’d point out that they have exactly the same effect.

“Guardianship also equals responsibility though, and my own view is that if a guy is interested in his child, if he is seeing that child and paying maintenance, then I wouldn’t see any reason why he wouldn’t be appointed guardian. People need to take responsibility for their actions.”

Ms. Kelleher added her belief that the current legislation needs to be updated “to reflect the reality of life” of modern-day Ireland where nearly 2,500 unmarried fathers applied for guardianship of their children in 2008. USFI’s Ray Kelly says parents often forget that the child is the most important person in such discussions and processes and believes proper education right from the start of the baby’s life could make a crucial difference.

“I’ve have three children myself and while I was at the maternity hospital not one social worker came to me and said ‘Here are your rights’. We need to have social workers in maternity hospitals accountable for issues like this and ask why they are only looking after the mother and child,” he insisted.

“We made an offer to one maternity hospital and told them that we would go in and talk to the fathers if they wished. We could explain that they don’t need to go to court to get guardianship, that it can be done with a simple declaration in front of a Peace Commissioner and there’s usually one of those in a hospital. The hospital said they had another organisation in there but I honestly wasn’t aware of it while I was there myself. They did have a leaflet available but most of the time, those end up in the rubbish bin.

“Educating people is about explaining to fathers and mothers that guardianship is about the child and clarifying where guardianship does come in – it’s the moral, physical, religious and educational well- being of a child and nothing else – the mother still remains the custodial parent.”

Cork TD Kathleen Lynch published a proposed Guardianship Bill earlier this year. However, even though the Law Reform Commission has also recommended changes to Irish law as far as fathers’ rights are concerned, there is no sign of any intending action by the Government.

Another support group hoping to establish a branch in Cork is the Irish Men’s Network. Despite being only up and running for the past two months, it already has 60 members by word of mouth alone and organiser Joe Egan is hopeful that a new breed of well-educated men will help change the landscape for fathers across the country in the coming years.

“We need massive change. We need to take away the ‘in camera’ rule, which allows the system behave almost as if they make the rules up as they go along and we need to take these matters out of our very negative legal system and into a special family counselling or assistance where, only after everything is sorted out, you consider doing up legal documents.”

Mr. Egan advises fathers to get in touch with a support group or network as quickly as they can once they start experiencing issues at home, explaining that other men out there have gone through similar - if not the same - circumstances.

“We are a network,” he added. “We don’t have a committee and we don’t have funding. We work with technology, the internet and networking and it’s purely there for guys to help each other out and to talk to each other. The first thing to remember is that you are not alone. From there, we try and arrange a buddy system so that guys are connected together and develop friendships based on what they are going through.

“Sometimes you just cannot talk to your brothers and sisters. At a certain point you have to switch off and not continue to bring the negativity of your world into their lives. Men need to talk to like minded men and not people who will say things like ‘I wouldn’t take that s**t’ because usually, in that particular moment, you don’t need to hear crap like that. It might be well intended but if he goes down and plays the hard man in a legal system that doesn’t respect that, it wouldn’t get him anywhere.

“There have been guys for the last 20 years arguing about fathers’ rights and while there has been some success, there is a new breed of educated men that will actually change things,” he concluded.

The document required for an agreed declaration is the S.I. no. 5 and can be downloaded from www.treoir.ie. Further relevant information is available from Parentalequality.ie, while the USFI and Irish Men’s Network are contactable at Usfi.ie and Irishmensnetwork.com respectively.

What do mums and dads think of this article? And what about folks who haven't children? Would you like the Constitution changed so that it protects children of both married and unmarried families? Do you believe removing gender bias would put an end to immediate hostilities, by removing the Power Play so often incurred in and out of court? Or is one guardian per child enough?

rolly1

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

What do mums and dads think of this article? And what about folks who haven't children? Would you like the Constitution changed so that it protects children of both married and unmarried families? Do you believe removing gender bias would put an end to immediate hostilities, by removing the Power Play so often incurred in and out of court? Or is one guardian per child enough?

I would respectfully suggest that there is only one question fair minded people need to ask themselves after reading the first three lines of Niamh O'Mahoney's article above; which shows how we have now legalised child abduction:

What the hell are you going to DO about it?

I have emailed all TD's and Senators calling for an immediate change in the law to protect children from this horror. Wake up, its really happening people!

Klingon Hamlet

People don't care

Voltex

Its a reminant of an arcachic system.
Over the last 10 years the distinct traditional roles mothers and fathers have played have become blurred. What we have now are "parents". Each one bringing their own unique abilities to the upbringing of their children.

Klingon Hamlet

Why aren't parents treated equally?

Klingon Hamlet

I was right, No one cares.

K-9

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

I was right, No one cares.

Its midnight on a Saturday!

I'd agree Guardianship should be automatic on signing of the Birth Cert but clear provisions need to be made for exceptions to that, i.e. name on Birth Cert but no rights in certain cases.

50/50 parenting should be the default base for separation/unmarried parents and work from there, based on the individual case.

Deliverance

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

I was right, No one cares.

People do care Klingon! Yourself for a start... Thank you for promoting the increasing awareness of the issue via the above article. It certainly opened my eyes to the fact that support is being raised about the issues that most if not all seperated dads are going through. It also shows that 'concerned' dads these days do have more hope by becoming more educated in these matters.

There is a lot to digest in that article. A lot has been said in the article. Some of it is very emotive. A lot of very good points were raised. Most importantly and personally I found it refreshing to note that a support base is growning for the single dads.I imagine that it at the very least it is a step in the right direction.

Couples, Dads, and the Mams need educating at the birth about the existing rights to prevent relationships from turning into power struggles with the child at the heart of these stuggles. It should really be automatic that both 'parents' have these legal rights.

The dads that do a 'runner' or are just plain problematic as individuals should not determine the fate of todays 'great dads' in the eyes of the law. From what I have seen and know: the great dads these days now outweigh in number the idiots that give us good dads a bad name.

Ps: A relevant point for me about this issue is this... When my little one was born I was told nothing of this potential issue of guardianship neither was my partner. In time we decided to seperate because of stressful circumstances. I did some research and requested legal gaurdianship because it made sense legally for health issues etc.

My ex partner immediately having no experience of what I was asking immediately became defensive thinking that I was after custody. I became defesive because of her refusal. Cue a potential fight scenario due to no intial education on this matter. It could have esculated into a non stop fight easily, v.easily due to the emotions from the split. Luckily we turned out ok. But I say again that it just as easily could have turned out v.bad.

Education is definately a key factor.

Nevyn

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

I was right, No one cares.

People do care but it's the weekend and they are out living their lives aslo
at this stage people are becoming dulled to your persistent soap-boxing on this forum on this issue. I would suggest you get a blog and collate and post everything in that and build up your google ranking on that rather then just posting here and you'd be able to link to it in your sig.

Deliverance

Thaedydal wrote: »

People do care but it's the weekend and they are out living their lives aslo
at this stage people are becoming dulled to your persistent soap-boxing on this forum on this issue. I would suggest you get a blog and collate and post everything in that and build up your google ranking on that rather then just posting here and you'd be able to link to it in your sig.

It is a difficult issue for sure. Cannot say that I have been 'dulled' by it to be honest. But it would be more interesting and informative to see it compiled into a single source as suggested with a link to it provided.

I think that it is to complicated an issue to be fleshed out here. A blog is really the way to go. My head is / was wrecked from reading and wanting to reply to your article and put up a response on this forum.

It in no way lessens your opinion OP it only strengthens it by having a link to a more informative and thought out blog. Gives my head peace as well and gives me more time to think;)

Nevyn

With a blog a series of informative articles can be written and collated all in the one place and the feed from it put on to a facebook page.

rolly1

Deliverance wrote: »

Couples, Dads, and the Mams need educating at the birth about the existing rights to prevent relationships from turning into power struggles with the child at the heart of these stuggles. It should really be automatic that both 'parents' have these legal rights.

The dads that do a 'runner' or are just plain problematic as individuals should not determine the fate of todays 'great dads' in the eyes of the law. From what I have seen and know: the great dads these days now outweigh in number the idiots that give us good dads a bad name.

Ps: A relevant point for me about this issue is this... When my little one was born I was told nothing of this potential issue of guardianship neither was my partner. In time we decided to seperate because of stressful circumstances. I did some research and requested legal gaurdianship because it made sense legally for health issues etc.

My ex partner immediately having no experience of what I was asking immediately became defensive thinking that I was after custody. I became defesive because of her refusal. Cue a potential fight scenario due to no intial education on this matter. It could have esculated into a non stop fight easily, v.easily due to the emotions from the split. Luckily we turned out ok. But I say again that it just as easily could have turned out v.bad.

Education is definately a key factor.

You see Deliverance your post identifies the fact that guardianship is a potential source of conflict amongst many couples, something I have seen reinforced across many discussion forums on the internet and also speaking to unmarried fathers generally.

Educating fathers that the law discriminates against them, purely based on the fact that they are male, is not good enough imo. Rememeber unmarried mothers are automatic guardians of their children, they do not need a piece of paper, whereas you do.

But moreso to the point child abduction will still be a reality, as the education of every parent, as to the father's dicrimination in law and his subsequent need to apply for guardianship, can never possibly be achieved for all the tens of thousands of unmarried fathers out there.

Your TD's and Senators can and must rectify this situation ASAP. I'd suggest to start writing to them and making yourself heard on this, otherwise this latest form of legalised child abuse will be written about in some government report in 30 years time... and we'll be all saying "But how could people stand by and let that happen?"

This is something people need to be made aware of. Once as people are aware of it then it is up to their conscience as to what they do with the information. I for one am not standing by while this abuse happens.

P.S.
Keep banging the drum Klingon Hamlet, the truth always outs in the end.

Deliverance

Thaedydal wrote: »

With a blog a series of informative articles can be written and collated all in the one place and the feed from it put on to a facebook page.

That is true. Facebook at the moment is becoming a powerful force for people and issues via it's innovative use of the newsfeed tech. Plus a blog is a great way to store your opinions in a diary like format with feedback from interested parties.

The combined use of Facebook, Blogs, and links from forums really would highlight the said issue in a more powerful way via the net. 'Klingon' this advice is quite good despite the intitial 'dulled the forum' comment.

Your opinions and input are far from dull. But in some senses it is a lot of information to digest. So maybe a blog would be in order. I for one would be interested in reading your potential blog.