I wish I was dead I hate myself so much!

wishiwasdead

I am a young guy and I don't know what to do I have nothing to live for. I am failing all my exam's. I like nothing about myself I am an ugly freak. I've known that I was gay with a few years. ok I'm going to write my story,
I remember when I was in primary I loved it I got on with everybody and was really happy. I knew that there was something wrong with me though the whole time.
That Summer thing's began to change and I started to notice I was attracted to guy's. I hoped that these feeling's would paas but they didn't. In 1st year I got bullied over the way I looked and the way my voice sounded and I was told I was a fag and bum boy. I told a teacher about this and they tought they sorted the bullying. Thing's got alot worse These people turned the whole 1st years on me and I was known as a rat and the worst thing of all was what happened then it was a Wednesday afternoon this guy pi*sed on all my stuff and then he forced me to lick it. The rest of 1st year went be I skipped loads of days and the last day eventual came I was so happy.
Then 2nd year came and thing's improved a little bit I made a few friends and we got on ok it wasactually a good year.
Then 3 rd year came along and this was a hard year people started on about me not being into girls and how I liked gay and all this ****e again I drifted further apart from my friends and I spent nearly the whole time outside of class's in the toilets and just before the Easter holidays I was subjected to a horrible attack I was dragged up to the school pitch and I was stripped down and tied to a tree and I was told that this is was I got for being a fag boy It took me 3 hours to get down from the tree. I found my clothes and went home I locked myself in the bathroom and had a bath for a few hours trying to wash myself then about a week later my parents were out and I was really sad. I got as much drink as I could get and took loads of tablets. I passed out and I actually thought I was dead I woke up a few hours later in a pile of my own commet I had fallen and I broke my arm and that was it that's how sad I am. I couldn't even kill myself right. I never told anybody and I went back to school and I did my juniopr cert.
Then it was on into 5th year and I things were ok for the start and then I decided to tell my ''BEST'' friend that I was gay. He then blackmailed me about it for a few months and then he started to tell a few people and it was weird none of them paid much attetion to him.
6th year was a disaster I hated th place so much I did no study I skipped loads of days and I drank for hours hoping it would go away. I hoped that it would all go away. I hated myself so much and I didn't go out to drank I did it all in my room and I spent hours crying and thing's seemed awful. I did a crap leaving cert and I am doing a crap course in collage now just to do something I was hoping thing's would improve at collage but they haven't it's just as bad.
I hate being gay so much there is not one thing about it I like. I have never kissed a guy or nothing I know If I did go out to a gay bar I would just be laufghed at for my ugly apperance and I would be redjected. This would not help me one bit.
As for coming out nobody really know's/ I can never tall my parent's though because they hate gay people they think it's wrong and my father think that they diserve to get AIDS. He also said that if any of them came near him that he would shot them.
What sgould I do??

LegacyUser

Hey,

Firstly, I feel for you. I really do. You seem to have had a horrific experience in school. And it will take time for the scars to heal. The first thing I would advise is to seek out help of some sort. This is often an over-used cliche (see you GP etc.) but it will make you feel better even knowing that you are addressing some of the issues you have related to your sexuality.

You feel isolated, alone. I can see why. There are gay people in all walks of life. Some people you wouldn't ever guess were gay. You need to feel included, part of a community and I think most of all you need friends. You don't mention where you live. I assume if you are in 1st year of college you are around 17-19. It sounds like you are living in a pressure cooker at home and that you are not happy with any aspect of your life. What I would recommend is that you consider getting away for the summer. Yes, leaving Ireland. There are ways and means and I think it would give you headspace to make friends, be yourself and put some distance from what you've gone through. There are many many opportunities for students, such as volunteering abroad which might give you an insight into a whole other world.

As for your looks. Every single human being on earth rates themselves lower than they actually are. It is the easiest thing in the world to see the flaws in your looks but don't let your current state blinker your view of yourself. Again, if you ar eunhappy, nothing like small steps/action will help ease your mind more. Join a gym? Buy some new clothes? (if you have a job).

What college are you in? Is there an interest or hobby you have which you could join? You will be amazed what making a few friends to hang out with will do for your isolation.

Bottom line, you need to take action to make your life better. You are too young to consider suicide. Believe me, the worst is over. No one who does well in college/worklife socially ever did in school. School is rife with bullying and exclusion in one way or another. That is now over. Be glad it is. The only way for you now is up. I can assure you that with a few friends, will come improved self esteem. With that you will begin to see that mose people post-school are fairly open-minded, reasonable and not half as judgemental.

Hang in there, better days are coming. And you have the world at your feet, you will see this in time. I promise.

T Corolla

Get help nothing that the posters can do for you.

anotherlostie

All I can say is that things will get better. Apart from the horrendous bullying, I felt exactly like you did when I was in school. The only thing I had going for me was my brains - all I could see was someone small, fat and ugly who was also gay and I didn't think I could ever see a way of dealing with that. I used to worry about getting married and then having to get a divorce if my wife found out, and took all my money! Seems crazy now, but that's how I felt at the time. I then spent 4 yrs in college with my head stuck in the books, denying the very thing that could easily have been released in the liberal environment I found myself in. But I wasn't ready.

People say that before you love anyone else, you have to love yourself. It took me a long time to accept who I was. Eventually I decided that while I could never grow, I could take charge of other things. I lost a load of weight, ditched the specs and changed the hair - now I'm not saying any of this is what you need to do, but it worked for me, and I actually have several friends who tell similar stories. Suddenly I had girls pursuing me (and it wasn't really that much fun!). Fast forward on a bit and I decide to deal with being gay - the internet was great for that when you don't have the confidence for bars. After a while I plucked up the courage to tell my friends, then my siblings, and finally my parents. My Dad was terribly homophobic, but in my case, a father's love outweighed the negative emotion he felt when I told him. Most people would say the same.

Today I'm out but I don't shout about it - I tell the people I want, that's all you ever need to do (even though some gay people think we all need to be militant so we can get equal rights to straight people). I've been going out with my boyfriend for 4 years.

So I just wanted you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. When you're young, you sometimes think things will never get better. But you'll never know unless you deal with your problems. There are lots of support networks available to you. The Samaritans are always there to talk to. There is a group called BelongTo that many young gay people find of great benefit in dealing with their sexuality. And you'd find people of all shapes and sizes and appearances there. There may even be a sympathetic GP that can help, maybe refer you to counselling if that would help.

You have been subjected to an awful lot but it's likely that for you, your school days were the worst days of your life. As the song goes, you have so much life to live, so try and be positive now that you're in college. Is there an LGBT society in the college? It takes guts to walk in the door the first time you do these things, but the potential benefits are huge.

You took a big step posting on here. But you really need to talk to someone, and I hope you can take that step now. Best of luck.

Annasopra

T Corolla wrote: »

Get help nothing that the posters can do for you.

Stop being so negative - we can give time advice on how to get help

oisindoyle

Ok i really feel that u need to talk to a professional /a councellor.You have gone through enough now,from what u said. Tell that family member NOW about your life ,you HAVE TO

Klingon Hamlet

Does your college have any counselling service? It would really help to sit down and talk with someone. You've been treated horribly for most of your important childhood years and you deserve to sit with someone who will help you rid yourself of the pain and the fear and hatred.

GP could also recommend a counselor. One thing you must do is stop putting yourself down. You've gone through a lot and you're still here---there are plenty of people wgo would be only too happy to help you be happy like you were back as a child.

Take care.

Annasopra

Ok firstly - You've been through a huge amount of absolute crap - I've been through all that too though perhaps not as bad; I know it is really tough but you have managed to get through it

I'm going to give you 3 pieces of advice

1: Ring one of the helplines listed at www.lgbt.ie

2: Try to access a counsellor: Your college should provide some sort of service; if this is not an option come back and say it to us as there may be other options

3: When you go back to college in September try and join at least 2 or 3 clubs or societies that you are interested in, have a look during the summer at the college or student union website to see what is available

4: Keep coming back to ask us here any questions or support or go to other websites such as www.gaire.com or www.Queerid.com. Websites such as this one and the 2 I've mentioned provide support and advice but can also provide opportunities to make friends

mobius42

Johnnymcg wrote: »

3: When you go back to college in September try and join at least 2 or 3 clubs or societies that you are interested in, have a look during the summer at the college or student union website to see what is available

This is good advice. Check if your college has an LGBT society; they can be good for support and making new friends.

Aard

Go to a counsellor. They tend to be more understanding than GPs over the gay thing. I know of an affordable service in Dublin.

There is also Pieta House in Lucan. It's a psychotherpeutic service specifically for suicidal and/or self-harming young people. They literally work miracles. I know of two people who have been there, and have completely lost all suicidal ideation.

Chorcai

Well done for getting through all that ****e, getting your leaving cert, getting into college. Your much stronger than you think. If I could meet you and shake your hand I would.

There is help lots of out there for you please do avail of it.

philologos

OP: What you've been through makes me ashamed of society, to be honest with you. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

One can only understand how such treatment could have made you feel the way you do. I hope before long you'll realise that this actually doesn't reflect who you are, but who they are in that they felt they needed to treat you like that to feel better.

Board-in-work

First of all, you posted here. That means you have allready accepted that you need help or at least some advice on how to make things just a little bit better.

All that stuff that happened in school is in the past. You can't change the fact that it happened, but you can stop it dragging you down. Stop being a victim. Today.

You really need to give the LGBT.ie helpline a call. One call. Annonymous. They won't judge you. Underline everything from the past and go forward. You only get one life, and no-one has a right to make your time on this planet a miserable one.

There are more gay people out there than you'd believe. We are not all militant marchers, and I think that things are definately changing and becoming more accepting.

'Mates' who blackmail or make your life miserable are not worth the time. Move on from them. Better to have no friends than people who drag you down.

Walk away. Get a fresh start in a new town, if it's an option.

Your first move is to pick up the phone and talk to someone, or this will eat into you.

Fight this.

Untense

wishiwasdead wrote: »

=
I remember when I was in primary I loved it I got on with everybody and was really happy. I knew that there was something wrong with me though the whole time.

Just keep in mind here that at this time you were not being bullied and you feel your life was good.

That Summer thing's began to change and I started to notice I was attracted to guy's. I hoped that these feeling's would paas but they didn't. In 1st year I got bullied over the way I looked and the way my voice sounded and I was told I was a fag and bum boy. I told a teacher about this and they tought they sorted the bullying. Thing's got alot worse

Notice what was different in your life at this point compared to earlier: Some of the other kids began to pick on you.
Notice how this changed your outlook on your life. Also notice that previously you were aware that there was something different about you, but this didn't seem to be a problem when you weren't being bullied. It was the bullying that began to effect your life negatively.

Then 3 rd year came along and this was a hard year people started on about me not being into girls and how I liked gay and all this ****e again I drifted further apart from my friends and I spent nearly the whole time outside of class's in the toilets .....

Imagine you had red hair, or you were black, or you were shorter than other kids, or a few other examples of where you might be different. In any of those instances, you may have been bullied, perhaps by those same kids who picked on you, apparently because you were gay.

You know the saying, "point a finger at someone and four point back at yourself"? It was never you that had a problem, it was the bullies.

When I was in secondary school there was one boy in our class that was picked on a lot. There were 2 main culprits, both of whom were really bad to this guy. They called him gay, fag, queer, hit him, knocked him down, made him feel like ****. Of course they were doing it to make themselves better. Why did they need to make themselves feel better?
Regretfully, I was also very insecure in school and seriously struggling with my sexuality. I would join in and call this guy names - on a deeper level, I understood who and what I was, but I did not want to be that person, I didn't want to meet myself. I tried to push it away and hated and denied that part of myself as if it was something else outside of me. I hated that part of myself so much, if I saw it in others I felt embarrassed. If I could recognise the thing i hated in him, others may be able to recognise it in me.

Perhaps it was this self insecurity that brought me to join in and bully the guy in my class, knowing on some level, though not totally consciously, that doing so meant I dissuaded my classmates from thinking I could be gay, fag, queer.
When I looked at him I felt embarrassed and acutely aware of the things I disliked about myself, so that made it easier to do it.

My behaviour was terrible and I regret it to this day. I sometimes wonder how damaging it all was to the guy in my class, and I hope he was able to come to realise about bullies what I realise now. I was not bullying because I did not like him. I bullied because I didn't like myself. When I finally came to accept who I was, I felt huge regret for the way I had acted. I realised how bad he must have felt. The difference was he had it much worse than I ever did. I didn't have someone calling me names, or people hitting me or making me feel like I didn't belong. I still haven't met him since we all left school, but when I do i'd like to talk with him. In the meantime, I hope he understands now that didn't mean him when I threw insults.

I had since heard rumours that the two other bullies have both turned out gay and bi.

The people who bullied you may not have been gay. They may have felt stupid, ugly or weak for many other reasons. The point is they were insecure, the things they said to you were the things they thought about themselves.
You were just unfortunate enough to be the target of their own insecurities, innocent enough to believe the things they said were true. The real sad part is that it seems to have stuck with you right up till now.

I have never kissed a guy or nothing I know If I did go out to a gay bar I would just be laufghed at for my ugly apperance and I would be redjected. This would not help me one bit.

If I hated myself I would find that very easy to believe about me too.
Self image means everything, if you hate yourself you're going to hate life too. You didn't create your self image, it was something that was impressed on you by your past experience. You are able to change this though, you just need to spend some times examining your experiences, and for that it would be best to follow all the previous advice given here and seek some professional help.
You are still going about your life with the self image that was imposed on you during your years in school. You would really be doing yourself a service by seeking out some counselling.
You need to speak with someone about what has happened to you and work it out. Decide now that you want to change your self image, and when it does begin to change, you will have a much much better outlook on yourself and on life. Do it first thing tomorrow. Book a session as soon as you can, tell them it's urgent. If you don't like the person you do counselling with, try someone else. There are as many counsellors as people and some you will get on with better than others.

As for coming out nobody really know's/ I can never tall my parent's though because they hate gay people they think it's wrong and my father think that they diserve to get AIDS. He also said that if any of them came near him that he would shot them.
What sgould I do??

Well never mind about your parents just yet. You have already come out to us, and that's a big step believe it or not. If it only stresses you out, don't worry about coming out or any of that **** just yet, the important for you is that you start to feel happier.

Do let us know how you get on.

Dude111

Ah

Theres nothing wrong with being Gay buddy.... Dont worry about how others look @ you,IF THEY CANT ACCEPT YOU,THEY ARENT WORTH KNOWING!!

I will pray for you now that things start looking better!

God bless

martinpaul

Hey. I was in the very same position when i was in school. you will never have to see those people again so...**** them. i have low self image too. i am overweight andi hate it. im not out either.

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MOD COMMENT
I've removed some of this post as it is not appropriate and against the forum charter

Bobbity

Can't really add much to what has already been posted. Keep your chin up, and keep posting here. All that c**p you put up, and your still here, just shows how strong you are. Thinking about you, and sending hugsXXX

a-ha

My heart goes out to you. As another poster said, you have unbelievable strength to get through all of that and get to college. You should be very proud of you. I don't even know you but if I met you in real life I would be buying you a drink. In fact, if there is a meetup for this board I'll come along and you can hold me to it.

You've got courage. Lots of it. You have everything to live for now. The dark days are over. School can be hard and while my experiences weren't always the best (I was bullied too) I didn't have to go through what you have and I admire your tenacity and strength with every fibre of my being. The ones who give us a hard time in school rarely ever amount to anything afterwards. It's the once chance they get in life to lord it over us before we get out there, get our confidence back and take over. I went to my ten year reunion recently and I am very embarrassed to say that I could barely even remember the names of half the people there but they all knew mine.

You have been through so much and you have fought so hard to get this far. Don't think of giving up on yourself now. College can be the best time of your life. I wish I could go back there (in fact I am in a sense - I'll be starting a PhD next year). You should contact Belongto. They're an excellent organisation for young LGBT people. You could ring them up or call into them at the Out House on Capel Street. There's also Queerid, they are a lovely group and they have regular meetups. In case you ever feel really low have the Samaritans number on your phone. One very dark night I rang them and just hearing a human voice on the other end was very comforting. Pour your heart out onto boards or queerid or other sites if you need to. It's important to keep talking to people. Express yourself and get ready to move to the next, much happier stage in your life.

I've been out about a year and I have never been so alive or so happy but I know what it is like to hurt. Remember that no darkness ever lasts. Love yourself. Get support immediately and use the urgency of now to turn it all around. You've had the strength to get this far. Now nothing can hold you back. I promise you, in even a very short space of time you will feel much happier and the pain you feel now will be only a memory. Get involved with the gay community. It's a very supportive environment and you can take up nearly any kind of support or activity you like and meet lots of new people who have shared experiences and are looking to make new friends. Don't worry about coming out until your in the right place. Just devote the energy you have to giving yourself space and time to put the past behind you.

Take care.

a-ha

...and stop hating yourself!

All of the posters here have read your story and none of us hate you. We all admire you and wish you the best. If total strangers find themselves liking you how can you hate yourself. You've got a future ahead and you owe it to yourself to live it.

xxx

a-ha

T Corolla wrote: »

Get help nothing that the posters can do for you.

You might be more supportive. As one who benefited greatly from being able to seek advice on the net I strongly disagree.

http://www.belongto.org/

http://www.gayswitchboard.ie/

http://www.queerid.com

http://www.dublinsamaritans.ie/

jibblybitsy

HEY MATE count yourself lucky, you are still here and well. dont worry about it .