Nearly 50 and want more kids!!

puffdragon

Problem is my wife dosent! Now its really bothering me this last couple of years and im not sure if its right for her to deny me more kids, I think i should just go and find someone else who wants kids but not a husband to keep! Its a pity we`re human and jealous , maybe i`d be a terible father at that age ?

newtoboards

What age is your wife? When you say she's denying your more kids. How many do you have now? Are you willing to throw away your relationship with your wife and children in order for you to be able to have more children outside the marriage?

dory

It could be dangerous for her to have kids at her age, and what kind of mother would she be if she didn't want the kid? Also, high risk for a range of illnesses for the baby.

Some women can't have kids at all. Count yourself lucky that she gave you whatever you have.

miss5

If you already have kids, Why are you prepared to throw away your relationship
to have more? If you wife is your age or close to it, It could be extremely dangerous
for her and the child.

Victor

Will there be grandchildren anytime soon?

silverharp

puffdragon wrote: »

Problem is my wife dosent! Now its really bothering me this last couple of years and im not sure if its right for her to deny me more kids, I think i should just go and find someone else who wants kids but not a husband to keep! Its a pity we`re human and jealous , maybe i`d be a terible father at that age ?

you have two seperate points here, on the first, all things being equal your wife has a veto on this, its up to both of you to work your way through this but again all things being equal your "request" would appear to be out of line with the expectations that a 40 something (guessing) women and mother would have. Nobody goes into a relationship expecting to get their way all the time and in this case it appears to be an unfair request, I'd dig deep on this one and reconsider why this is becoming an issue for you now?

On your second point all one can say is that its not the ideal option to become a parent in your 50's but there is no reason why you would be terrible at it especially if you have been through it before. Have you considered fostering as an alternative?

puffdragon

Yes I`ve given these arguments some thought before and realise the dangers ,my wife is five years younger than me and to be honest I am willing to concede that it may be dangerous for her now.

But you know my real problem is that I have asked her so many times over the years and been ignored and now that it may be too late the anger and disappointment is wrecking our relationship anyway,

Perhaps we should split up? we have 2 children they are 25yrs and 16yrs old a girl and a boy and both will have moved out before I`m 50 I`m seriously thinking of starting again, thank you for your replies and keep them coming ,

I`d like to hear from someone who separated at this late time in life to hear their take on things,

silverharp

OP, if its not too personal, why was ther such a gap between your two kids?

rainbowtrout

Is there more to this than just wanting children? I mean, are you wondering what course your marriage will take when your two children have moved out? Will there be anything there to occupy you and your wife when you can't focus on your children?

Also think of the maths on this one - your wife's age aside, if she had a child within the next year when you are 50, you will be retiring when that child is 15 or so. Will you be able to provide for a child and perhaps put them through college while you are on a pension? Will you be physically capable of looking after that child?

And if you were to end this marriage - of at least 25 years I presume - because your wife doesn't want anymore children, is it realistic to expect to be able to start again. I'm not suggesting for a minute that a 50 year old man can't have another relationship, but as you want to have children, you would want to be looking for a woman that also wants and is able to have children. Allowing time for a relationship to develop to that point you might have to look for a woman in her 30s.

I'm 31 and while there are plenty of relationships with large age gaps that work, I think ideally if I was to get into a relationship in the next few years with a view to having children with that person, I'd like to think i wouldn't be changing nappies for the baby and also my husband. What I'm saying is that while I wouldn't rule it out completely, I probably wouldn't be looking at men 20 years older than me at this stage.

Maybe your wife is also thinking that she is now almost done with the child rearing and is looking forward to having some time to herself, she must have been about 20 having your first child, if she is 5 years younger than you, so spent her twenties looking after a young child and then started the cycle again 9 years later. She's just about finished and you're asking her to go back to changing nappies and late nights and pushing buggies. It's a lot harder for a 45 year old than a 25 year old.

puffdragon

puffdragon wrote: »

Yes I`ve given these arguments some thought before and realise the dangers ,my wife is five years younger than me and to be honest I am willing to concede that it may be dangerous for her now.

But you know my real problem is that I have asked her so many times over the years and been ignored and now that it may be too late the anger and disappointment is wrecking our relationship anyway,

Perhaps we should split up? we have 2 children they are 25yrs and 16yrs old a girl and a boy and both will have moved out before I`m 50 I`m seriously thinking of starting again, thank you for your replies and keep them coming ,

I`d like to hear from someone who separated at this late time in life to hear their take on things,

Maybe she just didn't want more than two children. Of course I don't know the intricate details of your situation or your relationship, but if she ignored your requests for that long, it sounds as though she simply wasn't interested in more kids.

There is no reason for this to destroy your marriage. The fact that she appreciates the children she has and wants to live out the rest of her life without having to worry about and rear another one is hardly a crime.

puffdragon wrote:

Problem is my wife dosent! Now its really bothering me this last couple of years and im not sure if its right for her to deny me more kids, I think i should just go and find someone else who wants kids but not a husband to keep! Its a pity we`re human and jealous , maybe i`d be a terible father at that age ?

It's not a matter of whether or not she's right or wrong to do so, it's that having a child is a consensus agreement between two people. You have two already, she doesn't want more - what's the problem? The fact that you do want more?

Her refusal is rational. She's the one who'd have to be pregnant for nine months and spend the most time taking care of the baby. Especially considering her age, I can see why she'd say no.

I think considering to have a child at 50 is bizarre to begin with, because you may very well be dead by the time the child even becomes an adult.

Assuming the situation is as you claim, you need to accept that she doesn't want more children. Whether or not this leads to a repaired relationship or a divorce is up to the two of you.

Onesimus

puffdragon wrote: »

Yes I`ve given these arguments some thought before and realise the dangers ,my wife is five years younger than me and to be honest I am willing to concede that it may be dangerous for her now.

But you know my real problem is that I have asked her so many times over the years and been ignored and now that it may be too late the anger and disappointment is wrecking our relationship anyway,

Perhaps we should split up? we have 2 children they are 25yrs and 16yrs old a girl and a boy and both will have moved out before I`m 50 I`m seriously thinking of starting again, thank you for your replies and keep them coming ,

I`d like to hear from someone who separated at this late time in life to hear their take on things,

Come on man, dont be splitting up with her just because you cant get your own way, grow a pair and plough through this, and accept things the way they are.

Nevyn

Have you considered fostering?

littlebug

Do you know that apart from the difficulty in conceiving at all at that age the risk of miscarriage at age 45 is 50% and that the risk of having a baby with Downes Syndrome is 1/20? Aside from this you've been asking your wife for years and her feelings are clear. Have you really so little respect for your wife and family that you would throw it away like this?

Firetrap

I'm sure what I'm going to say will offend some people, I think you're incredibly selfish wanting to have more children at your age. Have you even thought about what your hypothetical kid's life will be like with an ageing father? I'm saying this as the grandchild of a man who fathered one of my parents plus some aunts and uncles in his fifties. Now they all loved him dearly but they did grow up conscious that their father was different to everyone else's father. Also, by the time everyone was into their late teens/early twenties he was starting to get quite frail and they had to deal with all those issues as well.

Looking at what you've written, I get the impression that you're not happy in your home life and for some reason you've gotten the idea into your head that having another baby in the house will cure all your problems. Do you have a fear of both your kids being gone out of the house and you just being stuck at home with the missus? Is it empty nest syndrome? Or something else?

Dudess

I don't think it's selfish to want more children at the OP's age - whether it's a good idea to go ahead with it though, well there are various arguments for and against I suppose...
My uncle was nearly 50 when he became a dad for the first time, another child followed when he was nearly 52 and another when he was 54. He looks after himself and is extremely youthful - hard to believe he's nearly 59. The kids keep him young, but yes, he is concerned with things, including how the children will feel about their dad being so much older. However it's more common nowadays as people delay parenthood. He is also an amazing father - should he not have become a dad just because it was too late in comparison to the majority?
On the other hand though, my brother's girlfriend's father was also nearly 50 when she was born, and she is now in her early 30s with an ill elderly father who is sadly in a nursing home.

dan_d

OP - have you thought about the fact that your wife simply may not be able to have any more kids, regardless of what you want?

Table Top Joe

Firetrap wrote: »

I'm sure what I'm going to say will offend some people, I think you're incredibly selfish wanting to have more children at your age. Have you even thought about what your hypothetical kid's life will be like with an ageing father? I'm saying this as the grandchild of a man who fathered one of my parents plus some aunts and uncles in his fifties. Now they all loved him dearly but they did grow up conscious that their father was different to everyone else's father. Also, by the time everyone was into their late teens/early twenties he was starting to get quite frail and they had to deal with all those issues as well.

Looking at what you've written, I get the impression that you're not happy in your home life and for some reason you've gotten the idea into your head that having another baby in the house will cure all your problems. Do you have a fear of both your kids being gone out of the house and you just being stuck at home with the missus? Is it empty nest syndrome? Or something else?

Id have to agree with all of this,theres no two ways about it,its selfish,if your having a child in your 50s your putting yourself before any (potential)child,it shouldnt just be about what you want,my dad is 60 now and is in reasonably good health,but theres absolutley no way i could see him taking after a child everyday now and he was fit as a fiddle at 50,the bottom line is its not fair on the kids,harsh but true

puffdragon

Yeah well I`m gradually getting a picture here and "selfish" might be the key word,It could be difficult for the child having the stigma of an elderly parent .It might also be that I am in an unusual position myself in that im 47 and my mother is 93 and still alive, sort of makes me think anything is possible , I am also the youngest of a family of 14 and I believe that having so many brothers and sisters might be swaying my thinking,
Listen guys I can only hope that this feeling/need goes away because its wreaking me head at the minute and making me miserable, A lot of the time I blame the fact that I have nothing to do during the day ,If I was occupied I might forget about it and in the mean time as the man said I might grow a pair and plough through it!! Keep talking though its good to share!

miss5

OP I was actually thinking that you msy have spare time on your hands. Do you
feel having a child would fill this void? Also because your children are grown up and
don't depend on you so much you may be feeling a loss there. Have you considered
volunteering? There are so many charities out there. I do think you are being a tad
harsh on your wife think of the risks.

Neyite

women 10 years younger than your wife find pregnancy at 35 really, really tough on their bodies, so i cant even imagine how a 45 year old would cope. im surprised that you even think its a good idea to be honest - with all the health risks to mum and baby in the mid forties, dont you care that their lives/future health might be at high risk?

my father was 47 when i was born, he felt that after this, he was too old to be a dad again but in catholic ireland at the time he ended up having 3 more, when he was aged 49, 54, and 56. he was extremly fit -and young for his age, but even so, he was in his fifties.

he was getting a pension when we were kids, he died in his eighties, at a decent age, but he never got to meet our future husbands, will never get to walk us up the aisle, or hold our children, it mortified him in his later incapacitated years of his life that we helped bathe him.

so, it is possible to be a dad in your fifites - i had a great one and not a day goes by but i miss him, but, it may not be necessarily the right thing to do if it is dangerous for your wife.

puffdragon

Well my wife has left the living room to go to bed so It`s safe for me to go and watch the telly now and get off the computer . Some great posts there and lots for me to consider .Good night talk tomorrow!!

puffdragon

Well someone's trying to tell me something! You`l never guess what was on the telly when I got to the living room, PARENTHOOD !! unbelievable ! Steve Martin is very funny though, weird!

Kablamo!

Irregardless of the OP as such, I'd just like to say there's been some posts about 'stigma' etc... My dad was 54 when I was born and I can honestly say particpated in more activities etc than many of my friends younger dads. Mine was always the 'cool' house. So age isn't a factor. My dad died last year so I only had 20 years with him, but I wouldn't want even one with anyone else. People say you might not live to see the child grow up? A man in his 20's can get hit by a bus tomorrow. As my dad used to say 'There's people dying today that never died before!". Side rant over, sorry.

Beruthiel

puffdragon wrote: »

Yeah well I`m gradually getting a picture here and "selfish" might be the key word

I have a 22 year old daughter. I've done the mother thing and there wouldn't be a hope in hell of talking me into doing that again.
It's hard work. At times it's exhausting work.
I'm at an age in my life where kicking back and doing my own thing without having to think of anyone but myself is just fantastic!
I'm guessing your wife is thinking the very same.
Not to mention the fact that at your wifes age it would be very tough on her body.
You have two kids, exactly how many would make you a happy parent?

A lot of the time I blame the fact that I have nothing to do during the day

Don't you have any hobbies? Any things that you like to do on a regular basis?
Were I in your position, I wouldn't have enough hours in the day for all the things I would be getting up to.
Stop wasting your time sitting around and go get invoved in the house, garden, community, your wife!

Xiney

Thaedydal wrote: »

Have you considered fostering?

Seriously OP, you should ask your wife if she'd be up for this instead.

Beruthiel

Xiney wrote: »

Seriously OP, you should ask your wife if she'd be up for this instead.

Don't have any expectations though.
As I said above, your wife might be at the stage in her life where she's looking forward to relaxing and not have to be taking care of children.

skooterblue

This thread is all messed OP.
think of the implications, Medically, Socially, Domestically and how your ownlives will fit around them.
Medically no honest GP would advise this without outlining the risks.
Firstly you have to concieve, your wife will have to carry the baby full term. Which is a massive achievement burden, even in the thirties.
Hoping then for no complication, could you physically face into night up, going to the GP, measles, chicken pox, tantrums. The stress on the mind and on the body. My cousin is a GP (40)in the prime of his health, with a stay at home wife (34) and they are shattered looking after their two kids.

That idea that women should be doing Gods work as baby factories for the Catholic church is long gone. It was running women dangerously into an early grave. While your friends will be off enjoying retirement you will be halfway raising your second family. Enjoy each stage of life.

Hopefully it wont be long until ye have grand children and your time helping and babysitting will be much appreciated. Ye have have a fine job raising 2 healthy happy children. As for fostering I am sure you can apply but you do realise these kids come from severely troubled homes and would be quiet a handful. Enjoy the time you are in.

xzanti

I can't believe how selfish you are being OP.. Honestly your wife has given you 2 (I'm assuming) healthy children, she's 45 now and while it's not unheard of for women to start a family at that age, she sounds like she just wants sit back and enjoy the fruits of her labour, she's probably anticipating grandchildren at this stage if you have a 25 Y/O..

And does she have any inclination that you are thinking of upping sticks and sowing your seeds elsewhere? Have you spoken that in depth with her about your yeurnings? Think about what that will do to your 2 children not to mention your wife.

As said above, how fast do you think you're going to find a fitting partner who wants children? Also if you do meet someone, chances are they'll already have children, so you're expecting your 2 existing children to adjust to having new step siblings etc etc?.. The whole process would be very hard on them..

My advice.. Get a puppy.

trio

The tone of the OP's posts is very wierd.

It looks like he's bored out of his mind and is looking for an excuse. He wants to leave his wife.

He wants to get a newer model, and he's using the baby thing as his reason. He's being emotionally dishonest.

I find it hard to believe this is about broodiness. This sounds like a midlife crisis to me. Except the OP doesn't seem to think it's a crisis. He seems positively ebullient.

Leave your wife OP, if you want to. But stop looking for us to give you permission.

Emme

I think that the OP, consciously or unconsciously, wants to prove to himself that he still has the virility and vigour to father a child. He's not thinking of his wife here at all, he's thinking of himself and wants to prove he's still "got it". Mid-life crisis, methinks.:rolleyes:

If I'm wrong and he genuinely wants another child around the place I'm sure that fostering would be a good option, but it would be challenging and he'd have to talk it over with his wife.

ncmc

puffdragon wrote: »

Well my wife has left the living room to go to bed so It`s safe for me to go and watch the telly now and get off the computer . Some great posts there and lots for me to consider .Good night talk tomorrow!!

'Safe' for you to go into the living room now that she's gone to bed? Are things so bad between you that you are afraid to go into the living room when she's there? I think you are using this baby thing as an excuse OP, surely you can see things from her point of view. For the vast majority of women, becoming a mother at 45 is not a very attractive prospect, especially when she has 'been there, done that' twice before. I think you are and your wife are having serious problems and you are using the baby thing as a red herring to give you an excuse to leave. Leave her if you must, but as your wife of 20+ years and mother of your two children, you owe her the respect of telling her the real reason and having an adult discussion with her.

P.s. I don't think you are being selfish. I really think you don't want to be the 'bad guy' here and as a result are turning your marital troubles round and making it your wifes fault. Selfish isn't the word i'd use, childish and deluded maybe!