Coming out as bi

popecatapetal

Hi everyone,

Haven't posted here before, but I was hoping some folks in similar situations may be able to offer some advise.

I'm a 22 year old female, and have known I'm bi since I was around 11 or 12. However, I've never said anything to my parents about it, and it hasn't ever been an issue, as I had a boyfriend since I was 16, so I never thought to mention it to them. Recently, though, the boyfriend and I split up. There's no one in the picture at the moment, but there's now the possibility that the next person I'm involved with will be a girl, and that's got me thinking. Should I tell my parents that this is a possibility, and let them have time to process it, or should I just wait and see what happens, and if I do meet a girl, tell them then?

I don't think they'd react too badly to the information, but I don't generally discuss my sex-life with them, and it would seem weird to me to bring it up unnecessarily. On the other hand, it would probably be a little uncool to just arrive home some day with a girlfriend, and spring it on them...

Any thoughts on the matter? Anyone else been in a similar predicament, and what did you do?

Thanks in advance!

hare05

Well I told them individually. I told my dad first because if I told my mom first I knew she'd go hysterical (either happy or angry, but hysterical either way. She's not very subtle ).

I didn't even have any pretext or pressure (like a possible boyfriend). I was just fed up of hiding a part of myself.

I can't tell you how relieved you feel afterwards, because honestly I don't know. I'm out of one closet, but there might be another to go yet (and I don't mean gay).

Anyways, it's no biggie. If you think your parents will be accepting or at least non-aggressive, you might as well throw it out there and save yourself the worry.

Remember that they have to accept you or lose you, but you can't be happy unless you be yourself.

So BE YOU!

:P

Iwasfrozen

popecatapetal wrote: »

Any thoughts on the matter? Anyone else been in a similar predicament, and what did you do?

Only you know your parents, and only you can know if they will be accepting and tolerant. If they are tolerant then I would advise you to just come out with it and stop living in the closet. If only to reduce stress and increase your life span.

If they aren't tolerant or even anti-homosexual (I won't go into why I hate the word homophobic) then I would say you shouldn't tell them. At least not untill you have a girlfriend. Why risk spliting your family up over a girl that you may never meet ?

manna

Personally, it's something I'm not telling my parents until it becomes an issue. I went to college with this whole idea that it wasn't going to be a big secret, but as the years went by and it didn't come up in casual conversation for me to go "well, I'm bi and..." etc. When the time came I found I had to basically come out to my friends, who were perfectly ok with it, but there were some very awkward conversations...

My parents are fairly conservative, and I know my mom, at least, will not take me essentially coming out to her very well. I figure it's best for me to wait until it becomes an issue and deal with it then. I can't be sure I'll ever have a serious girlfriend that I want to meet my parents, and I'd like to save both myself and my parents the stress and worry if this is the case.

That said, I'd love to be able to tell them, and not have them freak out at me, and if you think your parents will be accepting of this, then go for it! The longer you wait, the harder it might be when you actually go for it.

Jinxi

Like you OP i have known since Iwas in my early teens. I have never had to tell my parents as the relationships I had with girls were fairly casual ones. I wouldn't tell the about the one nighters with men either!:rolleyes:
I fell in love with a guy and have been with him for 10 years. He know I'm bi and so do my closest friends. I don't feel like I'm hiding anything from my family. I am truthful about who I find attractive(mostly celebs/acquaintances) in front of all my family, but they tend to laugh it off and shrug their shoulders(like ha ha ... thats jinxi for ya...shes nuts). When I brought home my best friend and she mentionred that she was gay, a few days later my mam dragged me aside to tell me that she thought my friend was in love with me. I laughed at her and she replied kinda half joky, your not sleeping with her are ya??? My ma is nuts, but I think she realises that I am bi.
I suppose what I am trying to say is, would you sit your ama and dad down and tell them you only like people with brown eyes? If you start seriously seeing a girl, then warn them that its a possiblity, but personally, I think is it worth the drama?

roxy82

I totally agree with Jinxi on that one. I'm bi curious myself, have never actually done anything with a girl yet, until I experience anything with one I'm not gonna say, right I'm bisexual.
If I do decide that it is for me, then I don't think I would tell my parents unless I did actually start seeing a girl and it got serious. I don't tell my parents about my casual relationships as it is. I think parents sometimes have an idea anyway, and I don't think my parents would be too surprised if I told them I was bisexual to be honest.
Good luck with it anyway whatever you decide to do :cool:

stephen_n

I have never told my Parent's, not for fear of rejection because I don't think they would have a problem with it but just because I don't think they need to know about who I'm sleeping with and if that situation changed and I got in a relationship with a guy I probably would tell them. I told my brother because he kept asking and my sister because we have a very close relationship. The fact I play for the warriors of course leads to a certain amount of questions but in general i don't define my sexuality anyway so it doesn't really matter.

OP I don't see any point in telling them, I'd see it as a cross that bridge when you come to it kind of thing!

popecatapetal

In more general discussion, I was hoping to get people's opinion about a few issues I've had with being bisexual - hope no-one minds!

1) When I was in college, I found that the LGBT community there sort of looked down on bi people, considering us either as straight people experimenting, or as gay people who couldn't make up their minds. Has anyone else come across this particular mentality, and how did it make you feel?

2) From a very young age, I found males and females to be pretty much equally attractive, and I only started realizing when was 11/12 that this wasn't the norm - when did other bisexuals start considering this? Did you start off with the opposite sex, and move over to heterosexuality later, or did you start off as 'normal' and realize your same sex tendencies later, or were you always like The Todd in Scrubs, and 'appreciate hot regardless of gender'?

I would appreciate any and all input.

Thanks in advance!

Killer_banana

I think there's no point coming out unless you're ready. If you want to tell your parents because you want them to know and think it's the right time to tell them, then do. However if it's just because there's a chance you're going to get a girlfriend and you want her to be able to meet them, then don't bother until there is an actual girlfriend to meet them. I don't know your parents but if they could react badly why risk it over something that may or may not happen. I guess what I'm trying to say is come out if you want to, not because you feel you should...if that makes any sense.

As for your questions; I've never personally experienced these mentalities but I know they do exist. For some bizarre reason people seem to believe that sexuality has to be clear cut, one or the other, that there simply is no grey area. Personally I can't understand this at all, especially since straight and experimenting isn't much more clear cut than bisexuality. I think bisexuality hasn't gotten enough media attention in the past compared to other orientations and the coverage it's gotten has been pretty bad so people simply don't understand it. I dunno, it's hard to explain what I mean. I think opinions are improving though and more and more people know a lot more about it now. I think there's just more people identifying as bisexual now, more people seem to realise there's more than just straight or gay (hell there's more than just straight, gay and bi). Personally I only know far more bisexuals than gays. Maybe I'm in the minority though....basically I think things are improving although there is still a long way to go.

I realised when I was fifteen. I'm not sure what made me realise I was attracted to girls, I just kind of did. I'm not saying I woke up one morning and though 'I'm bisexual' it was more a slow realisation, it started off as a random thought and then slowly it kept playing on my mind until I realised it wasn't teenage confusion that would eventually go away but actual genuine attraction. Now that I look back on my childhood there were some obvious signs. There were female celebrities and friends who I clearly had crushes on but at the time I just thought it was a kind of admiration. I'm not sure why I didn't notice the similarity between my feeling for women and my feelings for men, I guess it was just innocence. My parents are quite conservative so that might be something to do with it.

manna

I definitely felt the LGBT society in my college wasn't very welcoming to bisexuals, and didn't join up as a result. I have one bi friend who did join, but who felt they weren't really a part of the group until they started a relationship with someone of the same sex. I love the idea behind the society, and some of the events, but they tend to fall into stereotypes too often, and though they are supposedly all inclusive, I never felt like I could join in.

As regard knowing when I was bi, I started having crushes on guys and girls around the same time, but having gone to an awful school where I was bullied about my sexuality before I even knew what it was, I was reluctant to admit to myself that I was attracted to girls until I was much older.

Killer_banana

Just a random question to put out there; do you feel that there are more women that identify as bisexual or are willing to admit they are bisexual? I personally know more girls who identify as bi than boys and the also seem to find it easier to admit it to themselves and accept. Men seem to lean more towards 'clear cut' sexualities. Then again that's just in my limited experience.

SarahBeep!

popecatapetal wrote: »

always like The Todd in Scrubs, and 'appreciate hot regardless of gender'?

I've never been able to verbalise my sexual preference before this haha
You took the words right outta my mouth!!

bodice ripper

SarahBeep! wrote: »

I've never been able to verbalise my sexual preference before this haha
You took the words right outta my mouth!!

this is not the way I feel about being bisexual at all. In fact, one of the reasons it took me so long to accept that I am bi is because I just did not identify with this idea of finding both sexes equally attractive, or unconcerned with the gender of my partner.

I find men and women attractive in two entirely separate ways. One side of who i am wants men, and some polar opposite part wants women. I go through phases of want one over the other for hours, days even months at a time. This has been so severe that on occasion I have gone through crises where I panic that I am gay/straight.

roxy82

For me, I was attracted to guys first, had boyfriends from a very young age, and I think when I turned 12/13, I realised that I was finding girls attractive too, which I found very confusing for a long time, thinking well I must be gay etc. As I got older this didn't get any easier, I would go through a few weeks of just being totally attracted to women, and again would think I was gay, then I would go through weeks of only being attracted to men and would kind of feel relieved in a sense. It's only now, at 28, that I'm more comfortable with the whole thing, and accepting I'm attracted to both sexes, but it's also very frustrating as I have never hooked up with a girl and wouldn't even know how to go about this as all my friends are straight, so we don't go to any gay bars or anything, and I don't wanna be crackin on to random straight girls all the time lol

LegacyUser

Hey! I know what you are going through. I lived most of my life straight but once I hit high school I was interested in a girl and felt the need to tell my parents. Now, you say your parents would most likely handle it well, si I see no reason to wait. Even for the most accepting parents (which mine we not in the least bit) it is a big pill to swollow so give them some time to digest it and let it sink in at least before you bring home a new gf. You don;t have to mention your sex life to them becuase relationships are much more than sex, just let them know that you are not rigid in your sexuality and so it is a possibility that at some point in the future you will be involved with a girl. You have to be frank and honest with them, and with yourself. Knowing your bisexual and actually taking steps to live it are two completely different things. It helps if you have family behind you supporting you 100%. Good Luck!

Pembily

I have always felt that being bisexual was a "cop out" (not my thinking but the impressions I get from others), so I have only told a few very very close friends. I have been attracted to both men and women for about the same length of time, from about age 8. Knew it was not the norm but it never really bothered me, I knew I was attracted to women and that was it... Only a few close friends know that I am bi and only 2 know I have been with women and being with a woman confirmed my thoughts!!! I won't tell my parents as I don't feel the need!!! I know they will be ok with it as my brother has just come out as being gay but I don't want to tell them just yet and I don't see a need unless there is a woman in my future.

Also I do think women come out as bi more so than guys!!! Think guys need more clear cut maybe??