11 year old going on 18

LegacyUser

Hey parents etc
Im not a parent im actually an older sister. So please dont kick me out
Basically - my younger sister is 11 and acting like a teenager
She shouts, screams, pinches, slaps, etc
Then, in public - shes an angel.
I know they can be difficult at that age but i fear this is going to take an effect on her as she grows up cause if shes acting out now, god help my parents.
Shes so smart too. But very lazy sometimes. And i never had an older sister to guide me. But now that i can offer her guidance etc ,i wanted to show her how to study etc for 1st year and all but she tells me go away and keeps shouting it till i leave.
I get that shes young but she also doesnt listen to me when i advise her on friends and stuff etc.
Im just afraid she wont let me guide her as she grows up. We are close but this is getting worse. Sorry if this sounds silly haaha
What can I do?

Thanks

Nevyn

I know you want to smooth the way for her and want to help her with things which may have been easier for you if you had a big sister but it seems she doesn't want you to do that.

You are not her parent and she sees you trying to have some sort of authority over her when your not a prarent, I know you are trying to help but she sees it as meddling and telling her what to do.

Some people learn best by figuring out for themselves, so I would suggest you let her know your there for her but let her comes to you.

LegacyUser

I'm a big sister too, and the biggest mistake you can make is trying to tell her what to do. It might seem like giving advice to you, but it's not and she's at the age where she's going to resent any kind of authority her way.

Keep your mouth shut, and if you really feel strongly about it, then maybe when you have her on her own shopping or something, say calmly that maybe she shouldn't scream like that, or maybe she could try studying something a different way or whatever. In a conversational tone, don't let it degenerate into a screaming match, keep it very calm and non-confrontational. Drop it if she doesn't want to talk about it.

11 seems young to be in first year in secondary school though anyway. But bear in mind, you are not the parent here, and you'll make your own parent's life easier if you don't get involved in rows. Trust me - I'm the eldest of 4 girls, and I've had a better response out of all of my sisters by just chit chatting with them, than by telling them or fighting with them.

LegacyUser

is there anyway i can change her atitude since shes clearly copying the way i lashed out when younger.?

cooperguy

Here's my theory (for what its worth). Dont try to be her parents, she has them already. Be the cool older sister. Dont bug her about homework and stuff, try be the approachable one, the one that wont over react if she tells you something about boys, alcohol or whatever.

That way, over time, you can become her "go to" person for the big things that are going to happen through her teens and possibly give some gentle guidance. Thats something alot of parents dont get to do because the kid wouldnt talk to them about those things.

That wont happen if she sees you as the nagging older sister or the one who would run to her parents after you catch her smoking or whatever.

I hope that ramble made some bit of sense... !

TargetWidow

As the younger sister by 8 years of one of my own sisters and the older sister by 8 years of the other, I can identify with your experience. My older sister never bothered with me at all and I craved her attention. She got pregnant when I was a teenager and left home. My younger sister was a nightmare. Impossible to guide (still is!). Now that my older sister and I have kids and are married we get on fairly well as we have stuff in common now that we never had before. The younger sister went mad on drink and drugs and eventually came to me to help get herself sober and clean again. But she is still a little wagon at almost 30. My advice is, you are not her parent. Be her sister. Take no crap from her but don't try to control her because it sounds like you have a live one there on your hands and it probably won't work. Leave that stuff to your parents. They haven't done a bad job on you and they will be able to sort her out too. hopefully.

PeakOutput

as the oldest of three i can tell you now that the more you tell her the 'right' thing to do the more she will associate you and your parents together and you will drift further apart, in my experience anyway. you are a grown up, she is a child, your grown up ideas sound just as wrong coming from you as they do coming from your parents

in my experience you should let your parents do the rulemaking and chastising and giving advice and telling her how to do things and you should always be there for her no matter what she decides, that way even when she is totally pissed at the rents she still has you to talk to and confide in or whatever.

edit; i see this has already been said pretty much

The Big Red Button

cooperguy wrote: »

Here's my theory (for what its worth). Dont try to be her parents, she has them already. Be the cool older sister. Dont bug her about homework and stuff, try be the approachable one, the one that wont over react if she tells you something about boys, alcohol or whatever.

That way, over time, you can become her "go to" person for the big things that are going to happen through her teens and possibly give some gentle guidance. Thats something alot of parents dont get to do because the kid wouldnt talk to them about those things.

That wont happen if she sees you as the nagging older sister or the one who would run to her parents after you catch her smoking or whatever.

I hope that ramble made some bit of sense... !

Yup, that's exactly the approach I've learned to take with my younger sister (now seventeen.)

Some of the time she's cool, but a lot of the time she acts like the typical nightmare teenager!

I have in the past tried to mediate between her and the parents, but it's just impossible. In most cases they just can't see each others' points of view, and never will. And any time I've sat her down and tried to lecture her about anything, it would just get far too frustrating, and we just ended up fighting.

But over the years, we've sort of developed a system where she trusts me enough to tell me literally anything and she knows that I won't freak out or tell the parents. I will advise her, but more as a friend than as someone who has any authority. And I find that now she actually respects my opinion a lot more - when I'm making suggestions, rather than lecturing!

It can be tough to stand by and watch her be a pain in the ass to my parents, but the thing is they are her parents, they're the ones who are responsible for disciplining her etc. In fact, if you attempt to stand in when your sister is being a brat, it can almost come across as undermining your parents and weakening their authority, in her eyes! I find that it works better to give her time to calm down, then go and have a chat with her about what's actually upsetting her.

When it comes to helping her study, you're probably best off to take a very casual approach. Ask her has she much homework, bitch with her about how crap certain subjects are etc, and regularly offer to help her with it if she wants. But never insist on helping her with it.

And when it comes to advising her on friends - believe me, I have been there a lot with my little sis, where it's perfectly obvious that certain girls were no good for her, and were completely using her. But the thing is, my sister was already getting enough stick from my parents for hanging out with that crowd, which meant that she would never tell them when any of them did anything mean to her. I found it worked much better to just keep an eye on the situation, to only offer my advice when she asked for it, and to just be there to pick up the pieces when she inevitably fell out with that group.

Just have fun with your sister! Spend time together at home; confide in her (these things have to go both ways or you won't earn her trust!); oh and give her lots of your old clothes and makeup etc! Rather than ganging up on her with your parents, stay out of it. If you're going for coffee or something with your friends, maybe ask her along the odd time.

Oh and it's great to see that you have good intentions towards helping her. I'm sure she'll really appreciate it a few years from now, when she has a bit of perspective!

cbyrd

Ah i wish i had a sister growing up... i had 6 brothers and they were such a pain but there is one of my brothers who i'm very close to and it started when he was aobut this age.. he was painfully shy and i'm very outgoing, so i sort of took him under my wing (i was about 16) and we confided in each other.

I know it sounds wierd cos he's a boy but we're still very close and now that he has a wee lad i get all sorts of texts wanting advice.

I think the secret like the last poster said is be her friend not her boss.

you can only slowly build a relationship on trust and if she sees you are willing to confide in her she may eventually do the same.
It's important not to get mad at her if she tells you to buzz off just go and eventually she may not want you to go...
she's at a difficult age now with hormones starting to take over her body and personality.. maybe approach the subject like 'i remember when i started to get spots hair etc...' and how it affected you without bringing her into it at all... let her set the pace
It is a good thing that you're worried about her, but there's few of us grew up knowing anything, a lot of life has to be lived first hand and trying to protect her from this can be more of a hindrence than a help.

Good luck with it and keep us updated