Bi-Polar is ruining my "Life".HELP

I love Cake

Hearing music no longer makes me want to dance. I feel like my brain is melting. I think I'm going crazy again and I just need to know that there are others out there who have beaten the Black Dog.
Im a 23 year old guy and have somehow gotten through my second year in college. This is my second time in college. I studied abroad for a few months 4 years ago but couldn't hack it. I came home with my tail between my legs and my head in my hands. I proceeded to completely fall apart. I didn't leave the house for 4 months and got diagnosed as being Bi-Polar.(as soon as your diagnosed you become the disorder). I became an island, I sat in the same chair for eighteens months. I became obsessive about my appearance and started to make myself sick at every opportunity. I managed to get control over this after about 3 months but my appearance is something which I continue to obsess about.I also have a stammer which seemed to get far worse because of the stress. I was injesting all sorts of tablets-Seroquel, Cipramil, Lamictal etc. I detested poisoning my system with these contaminants but I understood that they served a purpose.The medication kept me out of the most terrifing of all institutions-The mental hospital. I started to go to counselling and with the help on my amazing family I started a new college course in 2008. The clouds had dissipated and I was starting to feel as if I had cast aside my black demeanour. I was studying my passion in college and I started a new life. I went to college knowing nobody and soon I had a superb circle of friends around me. My situation had improved so much that I was able to flush all my medication down the toilet just before Christmas 2008. I tried everything to keep my moods as stable as possible-meditation, excercise, proper diet and self-help books. Despite my best efforts, ive become engulfed with darkness again. For the last six months ive been rotting on the inside. Society hasn't seen the crumbling person, they have seen a person who is the life a soul of the party. As soon as I'm on my own, darkness is close at hand. Depression means no rainbows, no music, no happiness. I've somehow managed to get through my exams but I have to do a placement this summer in order to get into third year and I'm terrified that I won't get through it and therefore be unable to proceed with my course. I'm hardly able to get out of bed, my limbs feel as if they are laden down with concrete. My family are the only people who know about my illness-what has peoples reactions been to others coming out about their illness? Ive already been through a severe depressive episode before, I'm terrifed that this one will finish me off. What I wouldn't give for a day of normality, a day where my mood is a 7, not a 1 or a 10. Am i going crazy?-Surely if I was crazy I wouldn't punctuate my sentences.
Sorry if my ramblings are a bit mixed up or if the grammar is shocking but I'm struggling to to even form words. My lack of control over my moods is terrifying me and I don't think that I'm ever going to have a normal life. Its crushing to look back five years ago and see a person who was so full of confidence, hope and belief and now I'm an empty vessel. I think about the "easy" way out all the time. I would appreciate any advice or musings from the boardsies.

Giggles1982

You said that counselling & meds helped before , theres your answer.
I gather that your off both at the moment and are entering a massive down phase , I usually find that if i reach a specially low level , there is no helping myself & family cant help - its back to the GP straight on meds and back into counselling . Within a few weeks the clouds will begin to clear and I can start helping myself more with excersise, time with friends etc .

But if your now at the level where you cant function for day to living , its meds time Im afraid. Its sickening going back on them after doing so well for so long , but hey its happens .

Get yourself to your GP & booked into counselling asap , best of luck .

jimi_t2

Yeah, its important to get the head up and get yourself out.

Its an awful awful debilitating disease, but the majority of people with it are able to be genuinely happy and at peace with themselves once they find a balance of meds which works for them. I've had the pleasure of knowing two such people for a number of years, and there's plenty more out there.

It also sounds like a quarter life crisis compounding things. Even without the complications that bi-polarism entails.

The only advice I can give you is to remember, even though sometimes its impossible to, that this is a chemical imbalance. I'm sure that you've done plenty of reading on the subject, but truly understanding the underlying concepts at a biological level can often help as a coping mechanism and to lend a much needed sense of perspective in the blue times.

But yeah, get yourself to a consultant ASAP. Bi-Polarism makes people do strange things and the sheer fact that you're able to motivate yourself to knock out a story like that means there's a fair amount of hope for you yet!

LegacyUser

OP.
One of my sister's best friends from school is bi-polar, and she would never have met her if she wasn't.
The girl dropped out of school in her 4th year, and returned 2 years later, doing her LC with a year that were 2 years younger than her. As a result she became friends with my sister, and they've remained friends.
It's not an issue....everyone knows about it, and she'll mention it herself. She's been in hospital for it, and has made friends through the hospital, people with the same or worse problems than her. She frequently goes on holidays with them and nights out.
My whole family love her, and she loves us (she tells us that a lot!!). She's an only child, with 2 fantastic parents. She lives a very normal life and enjoys herself...but she is balancing meds.
I'm telling you this only because it's a good story of someone with this problem. I'm not even going to pretend I understand it or how it feels. But you are wondering about telling other people...do you have a very close friend that you might be able to tell? Someone you really trust, and know very well? If you do, maybe you could try telling them. And maybe gradually a few others. People can surprise you and it might help even a little bit to have the understanding of friends you're close to. You might even find they become protective of you in a way.
Other than that I'm not much help, other than to say you can get through it, and live life.Good luck!

Charisma

Well done you. You did so well to get out of this for a good while through help and meds.
Go back and get them again if they worked and use them. It takes a while to kick in as Im sure you know, but they will take you out of the chasm you are in. If you end up well enough again and decide to go off the meds go off them slowly and just keep a good eye on your mood and if it starts again take the treatment again. This will be like someone with weak legs having to use crutches sometimes when their legs play up and and able to walk with out them other times when the legs are stronger.
My hubby is bipolar and has it fairly well under control being aware if he has reduced or stopped his meds when he needs to restart. At one time he was med free for 3 years before he began to slide. Great achievement.He looks at it like any medical condition like diabetites patients having to take insulin or menopausal people having HRT. All theese conditions are all chemical or hormone imbalances thats all. Unfortunatley bi polar messes with your head and not your digestion or your menstral cycle but the same thing in a different form. The meds do work well in most cases so why not make your life easier? They are only adjusting the chemicals in the body so they work properly and hopefully stay normal.
I hope this helps. Its a really hard condition to deal with. Good luck and Gods blessings to you.

Bebs

Stay on your meds. Coming off them seems to have sent you back to square one so my advice would be to stay on them. They're not the terrible, body wracking pollutants you seem to think they are. Besides, even if they were you'd still be doing more damage to your health and well being by not taking them.

mickman

it seems quite clear that the meds were working , they brought you to good level where you were so happy that you thought you didnt need them anymore

just get back on them a.s.a.p and look forward to when they start working again. dont stop taking them suddenly like you did before

and another poster was right, they are not pollutants, they have a few side effects which are nothing compared to what your going through right now