Funnies

MonkieSocks

These new 3D televisions are so realistic.

I fell asleep watching a Liverpool game.

When I woke up someone had pinched my wallet.
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I feel really bad.

Me and my Mrs had a blazing row earlier and I ended up giving her a backhander.

On the plus side, half an hour later we ended up having the best, dirtiest sex ever! . . .

Well, I did.... she's still unconscious
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I kept flicking from one channel to the next ... from porn to golf... the misses said

"what the hell are you doing?"

I explained "golf is on one channel and porn is on the other and I can’t decide which to watch"

"watch the porn" she said "you already know how to golf!!!!"
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An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers just after his plane has taken off, and he forgets to turn off the intercom.

He says to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then try to screw that new blonde stewardess."

The stewardess hears it, and as she goes running up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on, she trips on the rug and falls on her ass.

A little old lady looks down at her and says,

"There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first!"
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The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said:

"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,

"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"