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Boyfriend's parents and childminding.

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  • 10-06-2010 2:34pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I posted a thread on this in RI but thought this might be better:
    This is my/our issue:

    My BF and I visit his parents about every month, they are ok I don't have much in common with them and they are much older than my parents. His mother minds his sister's child full time and I really think its becoming a strain on her. The last time we visited she was exhausted and looked very stressed out.
    The child is very active and demands a lot of attention. His mother also babysits evenings and weekends while BF's sister and her partner go out (pretty much every weekend). We wanted to get them a voucher for a weekend away for their wedding anniversary and asked if the sister wanted to add to it or get something different and this was her reply: "Mum wants to be around to mind XXX so I know she won't go away, and I'd be really stuck if she did". I know the mum loves minding her grandchild but I think the sister is taking advantage. She and her partner can well afford child care but I have found them to be a bit tight with money (its never their round, they are the last to contribute to a present etc) and I think they are using her for cheap childcare as she is so willing to do it.
    My BF wants to bring this up with her as he is getting worried about his mum and thinks her and his dad need a good break and should be able to enjoy retirement without having to plan their lives around their daughter and her child's needs.
    How should we broach this?


    Any thoughts parents/grandparents? Met the grandparents over the weekend and both were too stressed out and exhausted to do anything, even though we had plans for a meal together (our treat taking them out) on Sunday night.


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    #2
    mariaf24
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,242 ✭✭✭mariaf24


    I very much agree with you and i see it all the time,where i feel the poor granny is taken advantage of. However, you have to remember that this is your boyfriend's mothers business,be it her choice or that she is been taken advantage of. I would worry that if you say anything it will only look like you are interfering and it will go against you.


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    #3
    we'llallhavetea_old
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,971 ✭✭✭we'llallhavetea_old


    rahh! maddening behavior! :mad:

    you'll have to be very careful, you don't want the grandparents and/or the sister in law turning on you.

    if you really want the gp's to have a weekend break, you could always offer to take over their babysitting duties for them? no one can refuse then tbh and once they get a break, maybe they will realise they're doing too much.


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    #4
    smelltheglove
    Registered Users Posts: 4,503 ✭✭✭smelltheglove


    I can completely see where you are coming from, jeez I worry about asking my mam to babysit too much and sure she still has a child at home herself not even in secondary school, I wouldnt dream of depending on her weekly nevermind daily.

    The above poster was correct in saying it is her business. I dont think you should get involved at all, however as your boyfriends mother he is entitled to worry about her and should be able to air his grievances without worrying about falling out. I think this is a matter that should be dealt with by him and him alone.

    I think the gift is a lovely idea and quite right that she deserves a break and her daughter should have no choice in whether you mother in law gets to go away for a weekend. So what, she doesnt want to put towards it, surely she can manage not going out for one weekend or getting a babysitter in.

    Honestly I hate the way some people are taken advantage of, especially when it gets to a stage where they feel they have no cjoice in the matter. Parents do their parenting until their kids are grown and then it is their time, theyve done the crime and paid the time so to speak, sure grandparents like to babysit every once in a while and spend time with their grandkids but they way you have put it sounds like the kids spend more time with their granny than at home.


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    #5
    Moonbeam
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 18,953 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    Ask your boyf to talk to his parents they be delighted that their plight has been noticed.


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    #6
    branners69
    Registered Users Posts: 2,699 ✭✭✭branners69


    Say it to your boyfriend, his family his problem!

    If he does nothing, get over it. I can promise you, even though your intentions are good you will be the baddy with the mother and the sister!

    One of my sisters took advantage of my mam for years! I had loads of heated discussions with my mam and sister. The only reason it stopped is because my mam got cancer! Sometimes there is no talking to some people.

    So I'll say it again, say it your boyfriend and if he does nothing, leave it be!


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    #7
    kelle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,243 ✭✭✭kelle


    Unfortunately there's nothing you can do unless your mother-in-law talks to her daughter. Your MIL is digging a deeper grave for herself as your SIL will more than likely have more children and your MIL will be left to mind them all.

    I'm so pleased I never expected my parents to mind my children, only in emergencies. Sadly they were both diagnosed with cancer at the same time and died 5 months later. How would your SIL feel if this happened her mother?


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