Short Story Competition 3.5 (Hostage) - VOTE HERE!

Daemos

VERSION 10

I only voted for one, Version 9. To me it stood out as the best of the lot by far.

Blush_01

VERSION 6

I've been thinking about this more and more, and really, for it's inventiveness, I should have voted for #9. I don't know if it'll make any difference at this stage, but to the author, well done. While I always liked the twist I wasn't so sure about some parts of it, but I've come back to it and read it a few times and it keeps drawing me back. As Pickarooney said, the emotion isn't too thick to be believable - it would have been easy to heap it on and take from it, but there's a really good balance.

Picking some nits, my big thing would be getting the boat and then having Glee and Match Attacks in the same story. It's cheaper and easier to fly than get the boat these days, the boat smacks of 80s emigration, which was my issue all along. I couldn't place Sarah in a timeframe, I couldn't try to relate to her as a peer (trying to make myself feel younger now! ) or more realistically, as a sibling's peer. I like to be able to picture a character, so the 1980s/1990s Yvonne-from-Fair-City-when-she-was-heading-to-England character I half pictured clashed with the modern references. That said, if that's what I'm pulling it up on, as flash fiction it's impressive.

Mr E

VERSION 11

So thats it.... own up - who wrote the fantastic No. 9??

pickarooney

VERSION 11

Our winner seems to be used to being well out in front before disappearing...

pickarooney

VERSION 11

Well, might as well reveal the winner then....

In record time, --amadeus-- submitted the winning story which was almost unanimously acclaimed as the best one entered.

A well-deserved second gong for our man. Congratulations!

angelll

VERSION 10

Congratulations amadeus! Brilliant story. Mine was number 6 , thanks for the comments. Was going for a parallel universe where in one world the writer was innocently writing his story but in the other world,everything he wrote happened to the hostages....The finish was flung on at the last minute though so really didn't make sense. I might write the full story just to see where it goes.

Mr E

VERSION 11

Good job, Amadeus!

I wrote the one with Chad on the ledge (2). I wasn't really happy with it when I finished, but its tough to change when you have a time limit of an hour. The ending was tacked on with a minute to spare. You really have to go with your first idea and play it out until the end. Just goes to show how important that time to tweak and edit really is.

Edit: See what I mean? I've already tweaked this post 3 times.

Wantobe

VERSION 11

Congratulations, Amadeus, well deserved.

So roll on number 4- when's the next competition?:)

pickarooney

VERSION 11

Wantobe wrote: »

Congratulations, Amadeus, well deserved.

So roll on number 4- when's the next competition?:)

Still TBD. Discussion in the other 3.5 thread as to what the theme should be. We'll probably give it until tomorrow before we decide as I'd like to get some more input from the regulars.

ToasterSparks

Well done again --amadeus--!

My entry was number 11, the schoolboy hostage situation. I found that most of the comments for all the entries were quite positive. But version 9 was a well deserved win.

Seem to be hovering around the 2 vote mark, need to improve for next time! I usually have a plot stewing in my head for a week before it goes onto paper, so the one-hour write was definitely tough. I'm always so indecisive!

The Mad Hatter

VERSION 11

Well done, --amadeus-- - it was a beautiful little pearl of a short story.

Mine was number five - and I'm quite glad the problems I had with it aren't the same as the problems other people had with it. I've done a few edits and tidyings-up, might post the new version later.

Anelll - I honestly have no idea how you can type that many words in an hour - I was right up to the wire with mine! I saw where you were going with it; it's a shame you didn't have time to edit it down and tidy it up.

Wantobe - which one was yours?

Also Starring LeVar Burton

VERSION 10

Well done --amadeus--, a deserved win...

Mine was the disaster that was #4 - it doesn't even make a lot of sense... That's what happens when you write a story at an hour of the morning that you usually would be sleeping...

Wantobe

VERSION 11

pickarooney wrote: »

We'll probably give it until tomorrow before we decide as I'd like to get some more input from the regulars.

Ah, so regulars only input required- well, that's me told then.:p

The Mad Hatter wrote: »

Wantobe - which one was yours?

Number 3. My first attempt on VOAT was misery lit so wanted to go for something different. TBH when I saw the outline I had 5 minutes where I sort of thought- oh hell, can't be bothered with this- WAY too difficult. But then, nothing ventured...

Antilles

VERSION 11

Good job, --amadeus--!

Mine was #1. I agree it was disjointed and didn't really hang together properly. That's because it was 950 words long until I started editing with 5 minutes left until the deadline

cobsie

VERSION 10

Author! Author!

--amadeus--

VERSION 11

Thank you!

First up apologies for not being here to reveal myself first thing this morning (as teh actress said to the Bishop...) That work thing getting in the way of real life again.

But a *huge* thank you to you all; Pickarooney for yet another competition and everyone who voted and in particular made such positive comments, which were a real boost to read (and re-read, and re-read ). I do feel like a bit of a fraud, you're all proper writers and I only write for these competitions. It's a bit like the lad who does a bit of keepie-uppie in the back garden winning a football player of teh year award. Doesn't mean I'm not delighted with it though!

Just on a couple of teh comments... Smallies is a really common phrase in the Mid West and it just seemed to fit Sarah's pattern of speech. I needed a shorthand way of referring to her family and it seemed as good a way as any. I had her living in Dublin but I don't think the geography mattered much. Daddy again is a really common name for Dad where I'm from; grown, hard men call thier Fathers Daddy without any irony so again it seemed right. And as said it does lend a bit of spook and creep!

The boat versus plane thing I understand. I won't pretend I gave it much thought at the time but if I were to edit it I would just talk about leaving for London. That said a plane needs a credit card to book and a passport to use; Sarah would have neither. There are also restrictions on luggage. With a boat you turn up pay cash and are gone...

<self indulgent crap>

Someone on teh other thread asked about ideas. I'm fascinated by creativity and the idea of ideas, so for anyone who's interested here is how this story happened...

I was initially quite deflated when I saw the theme. It seemed set up for a thriller and that's not a genre I read. Initially I thought of a pastiche, a puntastic pulp fiction meets the muppets gag fest as an alternative and I even got as far as writing teh first line but it felt forced and I figured that if it was forced to write it would feel forced to read.

So I deleted that and hear a *bing* from my mental inbox. In there was a song - "She's leaving home" from "Sgt Pepper" by The Beatles. It's a great song with a brilliant narrative lyric and fantastic imagery ("she's leaving home after living alone for so many years"). In particular two images stood out. the first was teh girl "leaving the note that she hoped would say more" and the second was "stepping outside she is free". I didn't really even think about it - the story just flowed organically from those two images. With 500 words and the image of a note the story had to take the form of a letter. Freedom in this case had to mean escaping more than teh girl in the song so the abusive Daddy came in. The entire story went down in one swoop. Literally apart from a couple of punctuation changes and swapping "text" for "call" in the last para teh text as you see it is the text as it was written.

Which just goes to show - it's not your imagination it's the quality of your source material that counts!

</self indulgent crap>

Anyway thanks again for teh comments and votes

Mr E

VERSION 11

Well done man... good job!

Blush_01

VERSION 6

Well done --amadeus--! As I said, I was really nitpicking when I made the comments I made.

I can't believe you managed that in the hour - and the same to Wantobe!

I wrote #10. Thanks for all the lovely comments, and if anyone has any other comments I'd love to hear them!

Odaise Gaelach

Great story --amadeus--! Congratulations on winning.

I wrote #7. Thanks for the comments; it fell flat but it was the best thing I could think up of in the time. I usually take quite a while to write something. Doing it as quickly as possible was lots of fun though!