Single parent and not coping very well

LegacyUser

I'm a single mother. I was in a long term relationship which ended about 18 mnths ago.

My ex met someone else and left me to be with her.

The new partner wanted nothing to do with the children (7 and 5) initially which suited me. Myself and my ex did not get on well after the split but we settled into a routine which suited us both and the children came on pretty well after a very bad start initially (lots of blaming themselves, anger and a dislike of themselves).

However, recently things changed. After numerous talks we eventually agreed that his new partner would begin to play a part in the childrens lives.
He agreed that it would be once a month or so initally and the other days he had them would remain the same (just him and them).
This lasted all of a week and for 5 out of 7 weekends she was present.

The kids don't mind although I felt they were getting too attached as she has made it clear she is not looking to be more than a friend to them, however they are referring to her as their step mother and saying they love her. They were disappointed the couple of times that she wasn't present.
I mentioned it to my ex that she was present a lot which was against what we had agreed. He agreed the kids were getting too attached and promised it would be less frequent. And last weekend he took them and she wasn;t there. However they came home crying as they were slow getting ready, he was late and screamed at them.

So she was there again today. And the oldest (7) asked could she tell me something. She said that she felt that dad was being a jerk as when it was just him and them it was just tv and he didn't speak to them much. But when she was around it was all sorts of activities and she felt that it was basically dad pretending to be a really good dad so his partner would think he was really nice.

I told her I'd talk to him. He went off the head and it was all me, my problems and basically "tough sh!t". When I said what the oldest had said he replied "christ, well she's your daughter alright" which really cut to the bone for me.

The cild then asked was dad angry with her for saying it. I said no but she was crying so I said I'd ask him to call up or call her. I sent a text explaning she was upset and could he call her and reassure her he wasnt angry. He didn't call. She went to bed crying her eyes out.

I feel like the worst mother in the world. I just can't cope with this. I don't have family support and it feels like every time I try to take a step forward my ex builds a large wall in my path which I have to keep running against trying to get through.

I'm exhausted and I'm reluctant to let the kids go if it's upsetting them but the only time I have is those 4 hours on a saturday and I don't think I can cope without that. But at the same time I can't keep being met with his attitude every single time I approach him about the kids. Be it money, time, the treatment of them or whatever, he immediatly puts it back on me, thats it's all my problem. He trusts me to raise them and never gets involved with anything, never calls them during the week or asks how school is. He is invited to plays and concerts and PT meetings but never shows.

His interest in them is limited. He didn't care when they were both in counselling after the split. Any time we make an agreement he doesn't stick to it and when I say it, he claims I had it all wrong in the first place. I feel so angry at him when he starts that crap that I could implode. I feel like I'm trying so hard not to let the anger take hold of me that it's sucking all my energy. I'm the type who these things will bother. He will row with me and forget all about it as soon as he gets off the phone where it will bother me for days. Especially as it's always about the kids.

I feel permanant guilt about the kids. I work full time and they are always asking how come I never collect them after school. I am always broke as he doesn't work so doesn't pay child support. I can't afford anything for them. My daughter has holes in her shoes and I can do nothing about it until I get paid again. I get the benefits I am entitled to but there always seems to be something. Every time I think I've a few quid and do something for myself, something happens and then I feel so guilty. Like I'd a meal out with some friends this month. Nothing expensive. About 20e. But now she has holes in her shoes and I'm thinking if I hadn't been so greedy I'd have money for her shoes.

I've a permanant crushing feeling in my chest like it's hard to breath. My hair is thinning through stress and honestly sometimes, I think I might be going mad. Sometimes I feel like I'd give the kids away in a heartbeat just so for one month I wouldn't have to worry about them. But when they are gone I miss them so much. It's like I can't wait to get rid of them but when they're gone the loneliness is crushing. They are the only thing that keeps me going.

My friends are great but are all in relationships so I tend to be forgotten about especilly at weekends.

I know there isn't really a question in there anywhere. I just needed to get it off my chest.

gcgirl

Kind of know the situation i have 3 kids and their father is not that interested in them, Same stuff he does not pay maintanence he is out of work and he has since married and now has a 6 week old baby apart from birthdays/xmas he pays no attention which to be very honest i'm not surprised with and at this stage i'm dont really care, it is tough trying to bring kids up alone and your ex sounds a bit like my own. Think positive there are support groups out there like this one http://onefamily.ie/ talk to family/friends cos you'll only end up yourself felling like banging your head against a wall things might feel like crap now but things do get better and also penneys is great for kids stuff a pair of sandles/runners cost anything from 3 euro upwards and the bargin rail is brill !

cats.life

sadly wrote: »

I'm a single mother. I was in a long term relationship which ended about 18 mnths ago.

My ex met someone else and left me to be with her.

The new partner wanted nothing to do with the children (7 and 5) initially which suited me. Myself and my ex did not get on well after the split but we settled into a routine which suited us both and the children came on pretty well after a very bad start initially (lots of blaming themselves, anger and a dislike of themselves).

However, recently things changed. After numerous talks we eventually agreed that his new partner would begin to play a part in the childrens lives.
He agreed that it would be once a month or so initally and the other days he had them would remain the same (just him and them).
This lasted all of a week and for 5 out of 7 weekends she was present.

The kids don't mind although I felt they were getting too attached as she has made it clear she is not looking to be more than a friend to them, however they are referring to her as their step mother and saying they love her. They were disappointed the couple of times that she wasn't present.
I mentioned it to my ex that she was present a lot which was against what we had agreed. He agreed the kids were getting too attached and promised it would be less frequent. And last weekend he took them and she wasn;t there. However they came home crying as they were slow getting ready, he was late and screamed at them.

So she was there again today. And the oldest (7) asked could she tell me something. She said that she felt that dad was being a jerk as when it was just him and them it was just tv and he didn't speak to them much. But when she was around it was all sorts of activities and she felt that it was basically dad pretending to be a really good dad so his partner would think he was really nice.

I told her I'd talk to him. He went off the head and it was all me, my problems and basically "tough sh!t". When I said what the oldest had said he replied "christ, well she's your daughter alright" which really cut to the bone for me.

The cild then asked was dad angry with her for saying it. I said no but she was crying so I said I'd ask him to call up or call her. I sent a text explaning she was upset and could he call her and reassure her he wasnt angry. He didn't call. She went to bed crying her eyes out.

I feel like the worst mother in the world. I just can't cope with this. I don't have family support and it feels like every time I try to take a step forward my ex builds a large wall in my path which I have to keep running against trying to get through.

I'm exhausted and I'm reluctant to let the kids go if it's upsetting them but the only time I have is those 4 hours on a saturday and I don't think I can cope without that. But at the same time I can't keep being met with his attitude every single time I approach him about the kids. Be it money, time, the treatment of them or whatever, he immediatly puts it back on me, thats it's all my problem. He trusts me to raise them and never gets involved with anything, never calls them during the week or asks how school is. He is invited to plays and concerts and PT meetings but never shows.

His interest in them is limited. He didn't care when they were both in counselling after the split. Any time we make an agreement he doesn't stick to it and when I say it, he claims I had it all wrong in the first place. I feel so angry at him when he starts that crap that I could implode. I feel like I'm trying so hard not to let the anger take hold of me that it's sucking all my energy. I'm the type who these things will bother. He will row with me and forget all about it as soon as he gets off the phone where it will bother me for days. Especially as it's always about the kids.

I feel permanant guilt about the kids. I work full time and they are always asking how come I never collect them after school. I am always broke as he doesn't work so doesn't pay child support. I can't afford anything for them. My daughter has holes in her shoes and I can do nothing about it until I get paid again. I get the benefits I am entitled to but there always seems to be something. Every time I think I've a few quid and do something for myself, something happens and then I feel so guilty. Like I'd a meal out with some friends this month. Nothing expensive. About 20e. But now she has holes in her shoes and I'm thinking if I hadn't been so greedy I'd have money for her shoes.

I've a permanant crushing feeling in my chest like it's hard to breath. My hair is thinning through stress and honestly sometimes, I think I might be going mad. Sometimes I feel like I'd give the kids away in a heartbeat just so for one month I wouldn't have to worry about them. But when they are gone I miss them so much. It's like I can't wait to get rid of them but when they're gone the loneliness is crushing. They are the only thing that keeps me going.

My friends are great but are all in relationships so I tend to be forgotten about especilly at weekends.

I know there isn't really a question in there anywhere. I just needed to get it off my chest.

god i would ave whacked him one if he was my ex. and thank >eck that he is the ex. he is playing you , pushing you to see how far you would go. what im angry at is he is hurting the kids baldy. its not fair on them.they are very young . you are doing a great job under all the pressure. you wont give them away either they are your blood. ask the kids if they still want to see dad, you mite be suprised at their answer.

stovelid

sadly wrote: »

I feel permanant guilt about the kids. I work full time and they are always asking how come I never collect them after school. I am always broke as he doesn't work so doesn't pay child support. I can't afford anything for them. My daughter has holes in her shoes and I can do nothing about it until I get paid again. I get the benefits I am entitled to but there always seems to be something. Every time I think I've a few quid and do something for myself, something happens and then I feel so guilty. Like I'd a meal out with some friends this month. Nothing expensive. About 20e. But now she has holes in her shoes and I'm thinking if I hadn't been so greedy I'd have money for her shoes.

At their age, I'm sure it's hard for them to understand your sacrifice but I have no doubt they will some day and they'll love you all the more for it.

Deliverance

Sounds like a very hard situation to say the least for you OP. Your 7 year old seems clued in for all the wrong reasons. From past experience from what I have seen with friends in a very familiar situation to this, this happens all to often and separated dads at times can at times be very insensitive to how sensitive their kids and indeed ex's' really are in such situations.

Personally I deal with my ex and my child very carefully. I Care for the mother of my child as much as I do my child, I respect them both, to me one affects the other. The difference in this case is I still care and love my ex, that is life.

From the way you have put your ex across though: I find him to be an abhorrent person to be behaving the way he is in the way that you described. Ok maybe your relationship was not working and a split was on the cards? That does happen all to often these days.

But that does not mean that he can use the next person ( i.e. the stepmom that you described as being decent by acitivities etc) to alleviate his apparent problems that he seems to not be addressing.

He does seem to be using excuses and anger to not address his real feelings in all this. As such I think he needs some kind of counselling. Do you guys have a mediator type of friend who may suggest this to him subtly? Possibly someone that you both know who is impartial? If this is not the case then maybe a profesional mediator is worth looking at?

Maybe you should look at it first and then lead the defensive chap into it slowly?

That would be my ultimate suggestion as an outsider.

PS as a last point OP. I feel that (by your post) against the odds you have managed to hold it together as a good parent despite very difficult circumstances. At the end of the day I really think that things will work out for you and your kids as such. Stay strong and keep it up it will pay off in the end i.e. healthy minded kids.

LegacyUser

Hi all.

Thanks for the kind words. I'm much better today. It just gets over whelming at times. I haven't heard from him since so no idea what is going on. I tried talking to the 7 year old yesterday and she said she wasn't in the mood to talk about her dad that day so I told her to talk to me when she is ready.

She is very perceptive and she has his cards well marked.

I have suggested mediation a few times but he refuses. I drew up a parenting plan and emailed to him and he scoffed at it and said I was being dramatic. I doubt he even read it.

He's supposed to have them this weekend but I've made back up plans just in case.

I get paid this week too so at least I'll be able to get the shoes. It's not too bad as she only needs them one day a week for PE and she wears her school shoes the other days which are fine.

I'm just so fed up of trying to talk to him. He says I want it whatever way suits me but NONE of this suits me. He doesn't seem to realise my main concern is the kids. His main concern is himself and his partner.

I'll just keep going with it and keep talking to the kids and making sure they are ok.

Deliverance

Fair play to you OP. It sounds like you are a good Mom. Your children will do well as such. That is the most important thing. Some dads are idiots really, they really are.

Personally I cannot understand that, but that is just me. I am a parent, I like being a parent and I take pride and responsibility in being so.

Some people really, really do not appreciate it. Your ex sounds like he is immature. in time he will come back but not any time soon.

metrovelvet

I think you need to tap into that part of yourself that doesnt give a **** anymore.

This is stressing you out so much that it is bound to upset your kids. In fact, I suspect that your stress is probably more upsetting than not seeing their father is. Studies have been done which show they even pick up on the subconcious stuff going on.

Just stop trying so hard. Tell him when he wants to put together a plan then you'll hear him out. And leave it at that.