Kevin Myers on Ireland (if we'd qualfiied)

noodler

http://www.independent.ie/opinion/columnists/kevin-myers/kevin-myers-hurrah-for-henry-he-has-spared-us-a-double-dose-of-southern-hemisphere-humiliation-2223279.html

YES, indeed, the Irish rugby tour in the Southern Hemisphere is going rather like Paraguay's armed attack on Texas. But only the visionary generosity of Thierry Henry's hand has prevented a far worse catastrophe: of our having to endure, alternately, both rugby and soccer news from the southern hemisphere, as the shallows of our sporting talent were ruthlessly plumbed -- by the Maoris one day, the Uruguayans the next, the Mexicans on another day, and one-legged Aborigines the day afterwards.
Now, we all know that Ronan O'Gara can't tackle. If you play him at out-half away to teams like France or New Zealand, his selection is more probably for reasons of squad-politics or some strange subconscious renal urges than for a desire to win. When this column criticised his selection after the French debacle, he wrote a letter of complaint to this newspaper. This triggered off an internet storm of the usual infantile vapidity.
Irish soccer has its own Ronan O'Gara, by the name of Robbie Keane: spot-on at the spot-kicks, and quite outstanding in the Sunday morning pub-league. Put Mr Keane up against The Red Lion, Crewe, or The Palsied Bishop, Lincoln, and he will score goals galore, followed by some neat forward-rolls in celebration. But put him up against a well-drilled defence, and he will wander round, baffled, like David Norris at an orgy of Catholic lesbian nuns.
However, at least he's not as woeful as Emile Heskey, the worst striker to play for England since Douglas Bader lined up as centre-forward against French POWs in Stalag Luft Legless in 1944. Indeed, two international goalkeepers, Colombia's Rene Higuita and Paraguay's Jose Luis Chilavert, have actually scored more international goals (and no, not own-goals) than Heskey has.
So actually, Ireland's soccer plight could be far, far worse: Emile Heskey could have had an Irish grandmother, and so too could Robert Green and Peter Crouch, and then where would we be? Where we are at the moment, probably, at home, which is where the Irish rugby team should also be, instead of serially re-enacting Custer at the Little Big Horn across the southern hemisphere.
Yet it could all be far worse. If the Republic were now playing in the soccer World Cup, there might be chaos in Montrose, as Eamon Dunphy and George Hook and Brent Pope and John Giles conducted endless post-mortems on the respective Irish football teams. But what with Georgie being the age he is, and with Eamo being a self-confessed explorer in the world of mind-altering drugs, it would be quite possible for the two of them to wander into the wrong studios, and end up discussing the wrong sport, with the wrong co-expert.
Mr Dunphy would be gazing in speechless horror at Brent Pope, wondering what on earth he had popped the previous night that has turned John Giles into an Antipodean Incredible Hulk. And an hour or so later, Mr Hook's Desperate Dan jaw would sag even more leadenly than normal as he surveys the wizened deep-sea crustacean that is Eamon Dunphy, and tries numbly to work out the nature of the overnight catastrophe that could have reduced poor Brent Pope to this. (What? Chernobyl? Global Warming?)
Moreover, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and France are all competing in this World Cup, just as rugby teams from all four countries are simultaneously playing one another in the southern hemisphere.
Thus Eamon Dunphy might find himself struggling to do soccer studio punditry, as on-screen, the Australians are actually throwing the ball to one another, and the bleeding referee's whistle stays silent. Meanwhile, George's Hook's lower-mandible is resting firmly on his toes, as he sees a New Zealander hoof the strangely round ball upfield to a clearly offside player, who traps it with his feet, and the referee merely waves play on. With 20 minutes gone (and still no sign of a scrum) he erupts at a throw-in: "Oh, for f*%@'s sake, ref, you call that a bloody line-out?"
Be grateful, then, that we are spared such possible confusion, thanks solely to Thierry Henry's blessed hand. Yet there is one team with a green-white-and-orange flag that we might all now support: the Ivory Coast. This is probably the only version of the Tricolour -- though with the orange alongside the flagstaff -- that henceforth will ever again be in the World Cup. It is for the same reason that hapless incompetents like Emile Heskey and Peter Crouch are playing for England, and Scotland have made their last appearance in the World Cup finals.
The Brirish McProletariat has arrived: the total obesification of the Big Mac-eating, working-class young of these islands is now well under way. Meanwhile, West Africa has become the new world home of athletic excellence, and, henceforth, the standard-bearer of green-white-and-gold. Côte d'Ivoire go brath.

I must say, I really find this to be absolutely offensive to any Irish fan, player or even sports journo.

I know people like this need something new to write about every day but it absolutely reeks of someone who knows absolutely nothing about football i.e. like alot of people I know who conclude Ireland are crap because they didn't qualify.

bladespin

He odesn't half think he's the pool of radience and enlightenment, not that long ago he was slamming Amnesty international for standing up for poeples rights instead of just free speech, said it all about that eegit IMO.

bad2dabone

he knows nothing about sports. muppet.

Gone Drinking

Kevin Myers is an idiot.

Don't read what he writes and hope he'll eventually be sacked.

Blackhorse Slim

I guess we can add football to the long list of things Myers knows nothing about.

mike65

But put him up against a well-drilled defence, and he will wander round, baffled, like David Norris at an orgy of Catholic lesbian nuns.

May give a clue as to how one should approach this article.

Hoki

The biggest and most hypothetical pile of garbage iv read this year .

noodler

The Robbie Keane thing aside (even though he has just had his most successful campaign ever for Ireland), I just find it highly offensive to think we would have been humilated in France's group.

event

its kevin myers, i didnt even read it

Wreck

The guy is a wind-up-merchant who doesn't believe half of what he writes, although the half he does believe is worrying enough. Shame on the Indo for continuing to pay him, although it does adequately reflect what a rag that paper has become.

He's a controversial journalist. That's why he sells plenty of newspapers.

The same people that get wound up by him probably get wound up by Dunphy.

billymitchell

tl;dr

noodler

Hah, I am sorrying for forcing it upon you all now!

Just reading it in work.

Quazzie

He is a moron, but he is right about Robbie Keane

super_furry

Kevin Myers is a professional troll who, in every article he dribbles onto paper, seeks to wind people up. If he does, he succeeds.

HalloweenJack

It's just utter ****e, typical from Myarse.

I don't know what he's getting at with that at all. I wasn't offended as a footballer, I was more offended as a journalist. That people can write such crap and be one of the biggest earners this country is really insulting to my profession.

He evenly got himself confused writing that tripe: Surely if Dunphy had wandered into the rugby studio and sat down beside Pope then Hook would have gone into the football studio and sat down beside Giles, not Dunphy as he wrote?

noodler

Quazzie wrote: »

He is a moron, but he is right about Robbie Keane

See I don't know. Scored massive goals for his country this year against major nations. Seems a little perverse to then state he would be a failure against the relatively weaker teams in France's group.

I can see what he is getting at but Keane scored goals in the Prem for years with no trouble then came the Liverpool debacle and then a mixed return with Spurs.

It is a case of damned if you do or damned if you don't with regards scoring goals in Scotland.

Anyway, the bit that annoyed me was the notion the team would be humilated down there.

Carroller16

noodler wrote: »

http://www. independent .ie/opinion/columnists/kevin-myers/kevin-myers-hurrah-for-henry-he-has-spared-us-a-double-dose-of-southern-hemisphere-humiliation-2223279.html


I must say, I really find this to be absolutely offensive to any Irish fan, player or even sports journo.

I know people like this need something new to write about every day but it absolutely reeks of someone who knows absolutely nothing about football i.e. like alot of people I know who conclude Ireland are crap because they didn't qualify.

That's where ya went wrong.

I think Ireland would've done really well at this world cup. How can you slate a man who has scored double the amount of goals for his country that the previous highest scorer.

parker kent

Blackhorse Slim wrote: »

I guess we can add football to the long list of things Myers knows nothing about.

He is so clueless about more or less everything. Anytime he ventures into soccer articles, his lack of knowledge is astounding. He always peddles the usual tired old cliches and factual inaccuracies. He did one on England before saying how Ryan Giggs is the best English player and how he does not even play for England. I thought the Giggs could play for England myth had long since been proven to be wrong.

Anyway, Myers is a clown. He makes Ian Wright's punditry look good and that is saying something

Plus that Robbie Keane thing...that just annoyed me so much I am not even getting involved in it. 43 international goals does his talking for him.

noodler

Carroller16 wrote: »

That's where ya went wrong.

I think Ireland would've done really well at this world cup. How can you slate a man who has scored double the amount of goals for his country that the previous highest scorer.

I have to read all three papers I am afraid.

Even the Examiner..

Kev_ps3

Why even post this? The man is a joke, his opinions are irrelevant.

noodler

Kev_ps3 wrote: »

Why even post this? The man is a joke, his opinions are irrelevant.

Why even post this? Your views are irrelevant.

See what I did there?:pac:

noodler

I must say, btw, I am absolutely thrilled by the united front the thread is showing.

Just waiting for the first person to come in and agree with him....

Where are you Boggles?

Essien

It wouldn't be so bad hearing this from somebody who actually knows anything about the game at least they might make even one valid point. The ironic thing is that if anything, the lack of quality at this WC proves we are more than good enough to at least get out of the groups. There may have been times in the past when we genuinely weren't good enough to compete, this however, is not one of them.