A few short ones

Iggy Pop

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."


Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her
tummy and say "congratulations "but none of them rub your d1ck and say
"well done"?


Honestly some folk will take offence at anything....I met a bloke with no
legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you
getting on?"


Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby
"Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything
else!"


My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken
jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.


Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to
spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!


They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are
right. After 8 pints I talk crap and can't drive!


What's the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a
rucksack? The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.


Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in
my room disabled?" "No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick
bastard."


A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her
twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a
moustache!"


A bloke goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the
symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy
bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."