My son's being bullied - but won't talk about it

LegacyUser

my 8 year old lad is being bullied at school, & we're at wits end about it.he's really pulled into his shell + it's been noticed in the end of year test. I'm uncertain as to whether its inividual or a group & I'm likely to think it's the latter through discussions with my son.


We're calling into the principal tomorrow as we're not happy, just to talk to him as we've spoken to his teacher a few weeks ago.

We're not telling our son that we're calling into the school either.

Looking for advice & other parents experiences...

CrazyRabbit

1. Most importantly, you need to reassure your son that he is not doing anything wrong. The bullying is NOT his fault. Most bullied children feel deeply ashamed at their own percieved weakness, and that's why they hide it from their parents. Bullied children don't need pity, they need understanding, reassurance & support to counter the emotional effect of the taunts.

2. You need to get your son to speak about this so that you can understand the full extent of the bullying and who is responsible. Try having a 'grown up' chat with him about bullying in general, and see if you can get him to open up that way. I bet he has a hundred questions.

3. The principal & teachers are responsible for your sons wellbeing whilst on school grounds. They are therefore 100% responsible for putting a complete stop to this bullying. It the bullying continues, they should suspend or expel the students responsible.

4. If the school refuses to assist, or is incapable of stopping the bullying, then you can take legal action to keep the bullies a set distance away from your son (effectively expelling them from the school). It's extreme, but effective.

5. Your son needs to be taught how to deal with bullies. Ignoring them does not work. He needs to understand that bullies thrive on the emotional response that they provoke from the victims they abuse. The key is to smile, laugh and completely dismiss any taunts, and to appear completely uneffected. A smiling, happy, confident appearing child is a difficult target for bullies.

6. Help your son to forge new friendships. Not all children are naturally good at this, and can struggle. A child with a close circle of friends is also much harder to bully than the 'loner' child.

E.g.
(a). Bully taunts your son.
(b). Your son turns to the bully and says "Blah blah blah" whilst smiling.
(c). Son turns away and starts speaking to a friend.
(d). Bully is powerless. More importantly, your son feels empowered.

smelltheglove

My youngest brother has recently been bullied at school. It actually only came to light as a friend of his told her mother who then went to the school. My mam was happy to let the school deal with it as much as possible whilst still talking to my brother herself about it.

Basically my mam sat down with my brother and explained to him that no matter what he says to her she wont be surprised, she wants him to confide in her without the worry that she will go and embarrass him around his friends or at school, that if he is having problems he needs to talk to her and she can help him deal with it, so basically she took a very relaxed approach and it worked, he opened up and told her everything, she said although at times she wanted to cry she held herself together and did not let him see her upset, instead just listening and explaining the best approaches.

My own daughter has suffered it a couple of times, not through school but through a group of girls in our estate who are a few years older, their friend no longer plays with them and decides to play with my daughter instead, it is an obvious streak of jealousy on their part and I have explained this to her and she is happy to just stay away from them, anytime her friend comes back saying they said this that or the other I tell her to just say so what. I think having the confidence to stand up and say I dont care is something that will stop bullies as they see they have no power.

byhookorbycrook

Schools should have an anti-bullying policy, ask to see it. Keep details of all incidents. Ask the principal how they intend to protect your son.

deisemum

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

Schools should have an anti-bullying policy, ask to see it. Keep details of all incidents. Ask the principal how they intend to protect your son.

School policies are worthless if they're not implemented which happens all too often. Some schools are very good at nipping bullying behaviour but others are useless and don't want to admit there's bullying or are afraid to address the issue with some families if they've got a reputation or are well off or percieved to be well off.

Once you find out the extent of the bullying hopefully the principal can put a stop to it. If the school do not take it seriously or try to underplay it then remind them of their duty of care for your son and that you will take legal action against the school which is happening more and more and it ends up in the courts where schools are losing and having to pay out on average €10,000 per victim in the reports that I've seen. Don't let it drag on though.

Fortunately the school year is nearly over.

albeit

bullying help required wrote: »

We're not telling our son that we're calling into the school either.

Why?

edellc

I cried reading your post OP I was bullied in primary school and it affected me for years after, I never spoke to my parents either and when I did stand up for myself the bully told the teacher and the teacher spanked me which really terrified me into not telling anyone.

As all the other posters have said the school owe a duty of care to your child, and no matter what is going on at home with the other kids to turn them into bullies it is not acceptable to do what they are doing to your son.
I would be persistent with the teacher and the principle about this and like was said before if needs be seek legal advice.
Let you son know that he can speak to you about anything, I feel the distress in your post and my heart is with you....I hope he has the best summer holidays and hope that come August he is not dreading going back
Take care and keep us posted on how the school intends to deal with these bullies

jupiter00

We had this problem earlier this year and our son wouldn't tell us and we knew something was wrong. This parent doesn't wan't to tell her child she is contacting the school because he's afraid of being a tell tale. We wrote a letter to the school (written evidence is crucial) and it seemed to stop the behaviour but I suspect its still in the background. I still keep an eye out as he enters and leaves school (unsupervised times) because this could also be an opportunity for the bullies. He still doesn't admit or realise he's bullied or doesn't want to acknowledge it so OP you are definitely not alone. My daughter tells me when other children are horrible to her but not my son! I still don't understand why? The bullies must be good at making them feel its 'their fault'

deisemum

I recommend contacting the National Parents Council, they've very helpful and experienced at guiding parents on how to deal with this.

smelltheglove

Only a few minutes after posting earlier here my daughter was out with her friends and approached by the gang around the corner who bully her, oh I had tears from her for about an hour but thankfully she calmed down then. They dont really tease her so much more that they blatantly ignore her and ask the kids around her do they want to play with the on the green and 'be in the gang'. I could see it happening, so quickly, and knew it was coming as soon as she walked away from them.

I actually did a role play with her, her best friend came in to so I told her to pretend I was the bullies, she was with her friend, and her sister in the corner was the other kids playing, I said what they had said just the few minutes before and her say out to her friend, I'm gonna go over here, i couldnt be bothered with this, I then told her to say to herself in her head dont laugh dont laugh dont laugh,a s this always makes her laugh so by the time she goes over to the other kids she will be giggling away.

She seemed happy enough with this after I explained that by doing this they wont get any enjoyment by being mean to her. I then singled out each one and asked her what she likes about them, she didnt have one thing to say about any so I said, why do you care then isnt walking away the best. Now even though my daughter is 2 yrs younger than these girls she looks their age or more, she is a very stylish little girl, naturally I mean I dont pick her clothes she does, she is also a very stunning little girl, doesnt get it from me:( so much so that I was often asked to bring her to modelling by strangers so I do think not only hte fact that their friend would rather play with her there is also a bit of jealousy going on to.

I hope I have dealt with it well enough and that she knows what to do next time, fingers crossed.

Sleepy

I'm not sure if advocating this is allowed on the forum but in my experience (as someone who was a kid who got bullied a bit when moving schools as we moved around the country) nothing is as effective for stopping bullying as a punch in the nose for the ring leader.

Violence may not be the best way to solve a problem but I believe there's something of a natural instinct for physical competition in little boys. It's something modern parenting styles and the largely female-focused education system seem to ignore though.

HayworthsHair

That's a good point, with young boys the bullying might involve more of a physical element.

If you can get him to open up, the best thing is probably to remain calm and reassuring to reinforce the fact that it is nothing to by ashamed of and is something that happens to a lot of people at sometime in their lives.

Talk to the school and about their bullying policy and be insistent if you feel there is no change that something must be done.

Also perhaps taking him to karate or judo classes might be a help. It's a good form of exercise and knowing how to handle himself physically in an aggressive situation might instill a new sense if confidence so that hopefully he will never have to use his new skills.

NOGMaxpower

Sleepy wrote: »

I'm not sure if advocating this is allowed on the forum but in my experience (as someone who was a kid who got bullied a bit when moving schools as we moved around the country) nothing is as effective for stopping bullying as a punch in the nose for the ring leader.

Violence may not be the best way to solve a problem but I believe there's something of a natural instinct for physical competition in little boys. It's something modern parenting styles and the largely female-focused education system seem to ignore though.

here here, for boys they need to stand up to bullies. i had the same problems in primary with one specific bully who'd torment me every day on the way to school, in school and on the way home from school. My folks never knew but my da copped on and showed me how to throw a punch, how affective a kick in the balls is and how to throw someone to the ground.

The next day on the way home i was spat on, bullied and shoved. I turned around punched him in the face, kicked him in the balls and threw him to the ground. With everyone watchign i took his shoes off and threw them on top of the school roof and told him to leave me alone.

I never had a problem with him again.

I'd never condone violence but if your son is being met with violence the only answer is violence. Hard fact of life im afraid.

I also found it was the 1s time my father spoketo me as an adult which filled me with pride but also being shown how to throw a punch gave me confidence too.

Its soul destroying for a child and as a paretn you'll never know the depths of how depressed your child will become and how that will affect them growing up and into adulthood.

If i had my way i'd personally deal with the kids bulling my son and do the same to their father end of story.

bazwaldo

CrazyRabbit wrote: »

5. Your son needs to be taught how to deal with bullies. Ignoring them does not work. He needs to understand that bullies thrive on the emotional response that they provoke from the victims they abuse. The key is to smile, laugh and completely dismiss any taunts, and to appear completely uneffected. A smiling, happy, confident appearing child is a difficult target for bullies.

This is something that everyone should be do when a comment which is looking for a reaction is made. Its very difficult to turn the other cheek and make light of it though so the aggressor does not get their satisfaction. And thats for me as a near 38 year old. For an 8 year, it will take a lot of practice and balls.

My 8 year old is having a tough time with a couple of kids in his class and its very hard to know what to tell him to do when they are mean to him. You would love to say for him to give whoever a good dig, but I doubt thats the best solution despite how attractive it looks.

Edit : Top marks to the post above which I did not see. As far as I know, being thumped or spat on has not happened. Being mean and name calling, yes!

Brendog

Bring it up with his teacher. He/she must notice something about the change in your sons behaviour. That way you find out if your son is being bullied without confronting him about it. If he won't voluntarily open up to you, forcing him to talk will only make him withdraw further.

Best option: Tell his teacher you are concerned and to keep an eye out. Ask this on Monday and return on Friday to see what she found out. The most important thing here is confidenciality.

Good luck and be sure to post with your progress.:)

CrazyRabbit

I'd strongly discourage using physical violence against the bullies to resolve this issue. Is it such a good idea to teach an 8 year old that violence is acceptable if it gets you want you want???

I should mention that my posts made here on this forum regarding bullying are made from a wealth of personal experience. I was severely bullied, physically and emotionally, by both my peers and teachers when I was younger.
I tried the physical violence approach and it only made me feel worse...as I felt that I had become 'just like them'. I tried just 'turning the other cheek' and it didn't work.

The ONLY way to truly beat bullies is to exude emotional strength, not physical strength. Very hard for a scared 8 year old, but nobody suggested it was easy.
It wasn't until I was 11/12 that I finally figured out how to deal with bullies, and another 3-4 years before I perfected it to the point where they truly has no effect on me.

smurff

CrazyRabbit wrote: »

1.


3. The principal & teachers are responsible for your sons wellbeing whilst on school grounds. They are therefore 100% responsible for putting a complete stop to this bullying. It the bullying continues, they should suspend or expel the students responsible.

QUOTE]

In my experience of dealing with bullies, in a large urban setting, sometimes people expect instant solutions to what can often be a long, painful, challenging process for everyone. I have come across a bullying situation where the anti-bullying policy has been followed in its entirety, and still, comments are passed by bullies. How can a school be 100% responsible, Crazy Rabbit for putting a complete stop to bullying. Parents even are not in a postition to guarantee that their child will not say something offensive, as they do not control the voices and minds of their children.

I have seen bullying situations, where after extensive interventions over a number of years , the 'bullies' have modified attitudes and behaviors and situations have been satisfactorily resolved. I have also witnessed a situation where bullying is now no longer taking place in school grounds according to parents of all parties concerned, however a birthday party had to be cancelled last month as all the guests declined invitations to the victims party. Where is the answer there. I hope your child has good strong friendships, as he will need these to overcome the situation that he faces.

hopeful 2010

God love ya . I had the very same thing with my 7 year old son. He was always a lively fun loving boy and we started to notice he was becoming very withdrawn. he was wetting the bed at night which he hadnt done for years and wouldnt go into the school yard in the mornings b4 school was due to start unless i was there holding his hand. It took months of gentle persuasion but he finally told us he was being bullied but wouldnt tell us who it was.

I approached the teacher who seemed amazed that this could be happening and then the principal who had the same reaction but promised to keep his eye on him for us. I am a trained special needs assistant and i have worked with plenty of kids and rest assured that bullies are sly and wont do anything if they think they will get caught they will in fact often try to get a quiter child to do their dirty work for them.

Tell the principal you will have to involve the gardai if the school wont resolve the situation i guarantee someone in the staff at your sons school knows who the culprit is this is what i did and now thatk god the problem has been resolved. The scholl will not want the gardai involved and will get it sorted. DONT STOP BUGGING THE PRINCIPAL UNTIL IT STOPS, YOU CANNOT GIVE UP FOR YOUR CHILDS SAKE AND DONT JUST TAKE HIS WORD FOR IT THAT IT HAS STOPPED WATCH HIS MOODS AND YOU WILL KNOW !!!

Good Luck and god bless X

stovelid

The problem with men encouraging their sons to thump bullies is that it's all well and good if he's able for it, but in my experience though, you're either a fighting type or you're not.

If the lad isn't a fighting type, you're setting him up to fail two macho tests: the one already being set by his more aggressive peers and the one being set by the main male role model in his life.

Don't get me wrong, I'd probably secretly like to see any young boy meet aggression with aggression (within reason of course) as it is often the surest way to be left alone, but definitely not at the cost of defining being able to look after himself as a mandatory element of what he is.

It's not something I would advise.

CrazyRabbit

smurff wrote: »

CrazyRabbit wrote: »

1.


3. The principal & teachers are responsible for your sons wellbeing whilst on school grounds. They are therefore 100% responsible for putting a complete stop to this bullying. It the bullying continues, they should suspend or expel the students responsible.

QUOTE]

In my experience of dealing with bullies, in a large urban setting, sometimes people expect instant solutions to what can often be a long, painful, challenging process for everyone. I have come across a bullying situation where the anti-bullying policy has been followed in its entirety, and still, comments are passed by bullies. How can a school be 100% responsible, Crazy Rabbit for putting a complete stop to bullying. Parents even are not in a postition to guarantee that their child will not say something offensive, as they do not control the voices and minds of their children.

I have seen bullying situations, where after extensive interventions over a number of years , the 'bullies' have modified attitudes and behaviors and situations have been satisfactorily resolved. I have also witnessed a situation where bullying is now no longer taking place in school grounds according to parents of all parties concerned, however a birthday party had to be cancelled last month as all the guests declined invitations to the victims party. Where is the answer there. I hope your child has good strong friendships, as he will need these to overcome the situation that he faces.

Regardless of how difficult it is, the school is still responsible for the well being of all its students whilst they are on school grounds. If bullying continues on the school grounds, then the school can expel the bully. I'm not saying this should be the first option, and matters can be resolved through discussion with the bullies parents etc. But at the end of the day, the school always has this option to expel which will put a stop to the bullying on school grounds. Either way, it's only part of the solution.

LegacyUser

hi - soz for late reply & thankyou for all your replies.

Our fella is a quiet lad & defers from telling you things until maybe 2-3 weeks after weighing it up himself & even then he might not!

The reason we didn't tell our son that we were going to the principal is that we didn't want to worry him as he is that type (or think he may be in trouble), but we did echo everything he told us to the principal, who was very understanding & had said a few positive things.

Maybe we should have told him.. the jury in my mind is out on that one....??

We understand that the school is responsible for when he's attending, but bullying doesn't stop there in his mind...

He's not into the macho thing - even though he's strong enough, so belting the bully isn't the answer (unfortunately).
I am however thinking the bullying tactic is more emotional, even in omiting him from games - namely soccer, which is weird as he's not bad at all..

The school is closed now for the summer & he left with the attitude of never going back, Principal had chatted to him throughout the remaining few days & called me to fill me in on whats happening there & her intentions in Sept.

We're going to boost him up during the summer & re affirm a few of his friendships with his school friends, so hopefully he'll be more confident in Sept.