Wow, I'm glad this subforum was started!

Esoteric_

Heya! Quick question - is it normal to not really feel anything after the death of people close to you? I've lost several very close people to me in the last couple of years and I've not cried over them or even felt much sadness over it. I don't think I'm in shock, I've accepted that they're gone and everything and I loved them to bits. I just don't really seem to be able to grieve for them. Do I need to grieve for them, if I've accepted that they're gone and I'm not particularly sad about it? I feel like a weirdo because everyone else does be devastated and I'm grand.

lolli

Death is the only sure thing in life. It comes to all our doors. Maybe you are just able to deal with it better than most. It is great to be able to accept it. I always find that people with religious beliefs find it easier to cope with because they think of their loved one in a better place.

Were the people you lost elderly? I think when an elderly person has died its easier to cope with because you know they have lived their life. When a young person dies its much harder to accept.

I dont think there is anything wrong with you. You probably just have different or perhaps better coping mechanisms than most.

smiles302

Everyone deals with things differently. When my grandmother died I don't think anyone cried. Not because we didn't love her, she was an incredible woman we all adored. It's just that side of the family are very practical minded, no one is religious, we all talked about what a happy life she had, she had lived to see all her grandkids and her husband had already left us.
Everybody dies. I couldn't think of anything she wanted to do that she hadn't already done.
She wouldn't have wanted to have lived past the point of needing care etc. It was her time. There didn't feel a need to be upset...

It might hit you later. A couple of years after she had passed we went to see the house, it had been sold and there was plans of turning the land into a block of apartments. We wanted to say goodbye to the house as such.
She used to keep the most amazing garden, full of apple trees with flowers everywhere. The house was always perfect and warm...
When we got there the garden was overgrown and the house was falling apart. That's when I cried.

metrovelvet

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Heya! Quick question - is it normal to not really feel anything after the death of people close to you? I've lost several very close people to me in the last couple of years and I've not cried over them or even felt much sadness over it. I don't think I'm in shock, I've accepted that they're gone and everything and I loved them to bits. I just don't really seem to be able to grieve for them. Do I need to grieve for them, if I've accepted that they're gone and I'm not particularly sad about it? I feel like a weirdo because everyone else does be devastated and I'm grand.

It might depend on how you attach/bond to people. Grief is the other side of love.

EVeryone grieves differently and it cant be codified but it doesnt sound like you do grieve at all, but maybe you dont feel loss the way others do because you dont bond the way others do?

Cullen82

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Heya! Quick question - is it normal to not really feel anything after the death of people close to you? I've lost several very close people to me in the last couple of years and I've not cried over them or even felt much sadness over it. I don't think I'm in shock, I've accepted that they're gone and everything and I loved them to bits. I just don't really seem to be able to grieve for them. Do I need to grieve for them, if I've accepted that they're gone and I'm not particularly sad about it? I feel like a weirdo because everyone else does be devastated and I'm grand.

Not at all, In the last 4 years Ive lost my two closest within 2 years of each other.

Like yourself I don't feel sadness nor would I ever cry thinking about them.

On the contrary - Anytime I experience something big, I think of them straight away with overwhelming happiness....times such as standing on top of Kilimanjaro:)

Esoteric_

Heya guys, thanks for the responses!

They were all pretty young and all but one death was sudden. Few suicides, one cancer, and a few other sudden deaths.

I bond pretty well with people. I'm the type of person who gets very attached to my friends, it's just that when they're gone I miss them like crazy but I just kind of.. deal with it.

Nice to know I'm not a freak though! thanks guys!

dudara

Everyone reacts and deals with it differently. I'm a pretty rational person. When I think of my maternal grandmother - I miss her but I never felt grief at her passing. There are many people departed who I miss - but I never felt overwhelming sadness.

Rev Hellfire

Everyone deals with grief in their own way, in their time nor is it a consistent state, what you are feeling today may not be what you will be feeling in six months time. Personally I believe it only becomes an issue when it prevents people from moving forward with their lives.

Though I would suggest if you feel you are not dealing with it "correctly" that you seek counseling from a professional.

axel rose

Life would be so much easier if we could all react to losing someone in the same way. Thank god we are all different. There is no rulebook for grief. You appear to have great coping skills and this could well reflect in other aspects in your life, Are you a 'go to' person in times of crises? Do you keep your cool when things go wrong?

Basically, you are not mad you just appear to have a strong mental attitude.

dollydimples82

when my brother died after been sick for a few years, i couldnt cry. I was very concerned for my other family members and i think this is why i was not as upset as i thought i 'should have been'. I was relieved because he had sufferd so much, but when the hearse pulled in the day the removal i felt soo lonely but still couldnt cry. Even the funeral couldnt make me cry until we were leaving the church and as my family walked on ahead of me i broke down not because of my brother but because of the church full of people watchin me. I hated myself for not crying thought i was a bitch. I have since cried, argued, cursed god, cursed the docs basically everyone at some stage.

Personally i think there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Sound people deal with grief differently that doesnt make you a bad person.

Esoteric_

Thanks very much, everyone. I do miss the people I lost, I just figured that they're gone and while missing them is ok, spending ages mourning them is pointless because that's not what they'd want.


Rev_Hellfire - It's not that I'm particularly worried for myself. I think I'm just coping well with it. It's just that other people in my family are a bit shocked and think I'm bottling it all up. I don't think I am though

dollydimples82

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Thanks very much, everyone. I do miss the people I lost, I just figured that they're gone and while missing them is ok, spending ages mourning them is pointless because that's not what they'd want.

easier said than done. The one thing i hate people saying after a death is 'it will get easier, life goes on'. Sorry but that pisses me off!:mad:
I remember when my bro died i met a lady who asked me if i had any other brothers, to which i replied yes i have 2 more, to which she replied well you wont miss one.:mad::mad::eek: i felt like decking her.
I know people struggle to find words when dealing with a death but to me its not what you say its just enough to give a smile or a hug.

Esoteric_

dollydimples82 wrote: »

easier said than done. The one thing i hate people saying after a death is 'it will get easier, life goes on'. Sorry but that pisses me off!:mad:
I remember when my bro died i met a lady who asked me if i had any other brothers, to which i replied yes i have 2 more, to which she replied well you wont miss one.:mad::mad::eek: i felt like decking her.
I know people struggle to find words when dealing with a death but to me its not what you say its just enough to give a smile or a hug.

I'm talking about how I personally cope with death. I'm in no way implying that it's easy for anyone else. It's not easy for me either, I just cope the only way I know how.

It must be hell going through losing a brother. I can't say I've gone through that, but yeah, it must be awful and I'm absolutely disgusted that that woman said that to you. that's so tactless and downright horrible.

dollydimples82

LyndaMcL wrote: »

I'm talking about how I personally cope with death. I'm in no way implying that it's easy for anyone else. It's not easy for me either, I just cope the only way I know how.

It must be hell going through losing a brother. I can't say I've gone through that, but yeah, it must be awful and I'm absolutely disgusted that that woman said that to you. that's so tactless and downright horrible.

sorry i wasnt having a go at you in case you think i was! I was mearly saying that its easier said than done to move on after a death. We all cope in different ways, some people cry, some laugh, some dont talk, some dont eat, some wont go out, some turn to drink.
I am not looking for sympathy either, i wont be the first or last person to lose a brother. I am just using my own experience to explain my way of thinking.