Toxic friend?

LegacyUser

Hiya*
Im going unreg for this. Basically, my friend is constantly upsetting me.
I treat everyone with manners and respect. And im finding, i never get it back. My friend has always been selfish and very nervy.
She gets into weird moods. Lows and highs.
One minute, she'd be overly hyper ,next, she'd be depressed. And theres no inbetween.
She makes plans, and 15minutes before hand, leaves you in the lurch. She also hides for days on end in her house when in these moods.
She has disgraced me in public by using personal stories against me in jokey fashion.

I am also always texting, ringing and calling down. She doesnt contact me unless i do it first. Which is annoying as sometimes she doesnt ring to cancel. I have to ring to find out. Its annoying and hurtful.


She has told me pretty suss stories also. She told me shes been taken advantage of by different guys at different times. I panic but she says its all in the past now.And shes so passive about it. I didnt even know it at the time. Im weirded out cause she does have a thing for attention, constantly being loud and boosting to get others' attention. Shes a very obsessive personality and gets obsessed with specific things and specific people. Its scary sometimes.

She also used to meet guys from myspace and do "things" which again, scared me. She has kept in contact with one of them. I have gotten abusive IMs from this guy on her msn and yet, never seen him.And when i confront her, she says "ya" and dismisses my clearly hurt feelings that she takes him more seriously than me. No apology. Just a shrug. Thats all im worth. If someone did that to my friend of 11 years, i would kick his ass. But no. Why? Because she has no standards.

She seems to have everyones family business and shares it without hesitation. My cousin has even said shes very two faced.

Its been pointed out to me a couple of times shes not liked because of her BSing. Yet i stick by her cause shes my friend. But im 20 now and i see other people acting normal whereas she lives in her head and climbs over me for self eestem. And im sick of defending her.

Am i right? Or am i just picking?
There are moments of fun and care, but other times, most of the time, its this ive to contend with. Everything that comes out of her mouth, since we were kids, has been negative. 98% of the time.
Frankly, its isolating me from my peers as they dislike her and her carry on.
But at the same time, i feel theres something mental wrong and it would be wrong of me to abandon her because she claimed she tried to commit suicide a couple of times...... But im so suspicious. And i think its a cry for attention. And all of this is just overwhelming
Am i wrong? Overreacting??

s.a.man

Firstly you are a great friend, sticking by her side like that.

TBH it sound like your friend needs some help, you can always in a friendly way advice her to maybe go see a counsillor or to her local GP.

Hope you stick by her side, cause I am sure she needs more people like you to help her what she is going through.

Take care

TitoPuente

Yeah, it does sound like your friend has some serious problems. Does she have a history of abuse, emotional or otherwise, in her family or in her past? You're very good to stand by her and defend her but unfortunately sometimes there's nothing you can do to help someone like this. You can tolerate the abuse for a while but eventually it'll get you down too much for the friendship to be worth it. You should probably cut your losses and try and phase her out of your life.

LegacyUser

hey guys. yeah, she really upsets me because all i wanna do is have fun and have a laugh with friends i can rely on. But she goes from high to low in seconds, and i cant rely on her. She is fairly damaged and ive had to listen to it. over and over.
I guess i just feel i need an even relationship. A two way friendship. Like when im down, i have to ring her to tell her. Shes selfish and doesnt give a crap tbh. She doesnt go out of her way to call up or chat unless i start the convo. in fact, i tried this theory. I didnt speak to her first one morning and she ignored me for the day. Whereas if i was in her shoes id be saying: Everything ok? Wanna talk?

But no. Its too much to ask for a bit of effort

R.D. aka MR.D

You should try to get her help but if nothing changes you should walk away for your own sake.

My OH has a friend like this and he has stuck by him to his own detriment- emotionally, socially and financially.

Some times a friendship cannot be saved if a person doesn’t want help. That doesn’t mean that you dump her without any explanation, it doesn’t sound like your that kind of person anyway, but don’t let yourself suffer because of this. Help her but don’t forget to help yourself.

i hope everything works out for both of you

Denimgirl

Theres being a friend but to stick with a friend who is trying o drag you down on front of everybody is another thing.If she's depressed or has problems be a mate and try and help her get help, but she seems to be insulting you and belittling you in the process, i don't know,your gonna have to speak up when she does these things to you and say you have no problem being her pal but this has to stop.It is sad as she does sound like she's has problems but that does'nt excuse her trying to be little you, you can say you will be there for her if she needs a friend but she has to be a good friend too,I would also be networking with other pals also.

L.Jenkins

It sounds like your friend needs to sit down and think about some of the things you've posted. It seems very abnormal behaviour for a person and your friend could be depressed, but I'm not here to diagnose. Your friend needs to take stock and seek some help.

Taltos

You've been great so far - but do you really want to be a punch-bag all your life?

Yes - your friend clearly has issues - possibly even mental or psychological ones. But... They have to fix themselves.

Suggest they get the help they need - even offer to go with them for the appointment if you must. But there is a point when you have to cut your losses and protect yourself as much as it pains you to do so. You never know - maybe in losing you it might prompt your friend to look at themselves. It cannot always be take-take-take and this mate needs to understand that.

Let me put it this way - would you stick by a boyfriend you treats you like this? Would everyone here encourage you to stick with him? And before I get "oh it's not the same - her friend needs her support" - yes - it is the same - and what about what the OP needs? A friend - not a user.

LegacyUser

its hard.
She dragged me down and - ive lost confidence myself. At first, i was oozing with confidence. Now, i cant identify myself. Because shes isolated me in a way from everyone else.
I lost a bestfriend because of her. And she did something terrible to that friend.
She criticised my friend choices a few months ago. Those friends are gone now..
And im literally lonely and left with a "friendship" thats not even in existance. I feel so damn stupid. Her constant bragging and boosting recently has left me upset with my abilities. 1 or 2 things have been going her way quite recently, and naturally, a girl who is used to negativity has rubbed it all in everyones face kinda - like a "im a sucess and your not" kinda brag.
And she has actually mocked me for my failures in certain quarters. Again, no apology.

This "friendship" certainly has changed my perception of myself. I wanna change that. But its hard to break the habit that is this friendship.

AdmiralRazor

Hey there, confusedfriend.

When I read this post, I felt like I was reading parts of my own history.

Your friend is a narcissist, plain and simple. Now that said, we're all narcissistic to a degree, in general it's healthy to have a certain degree of self-interest; in your friend's case, it's an extremely destructive and soul-destroying thing to live with, for the both of you. Studies have shown that people with this particular type of personality disorder have suffered extreme abuse or neglect in their past, leading to deep-seated emotional problems and zero self-esteem, which they cover with extreme egotism, self-centredness and a desire to have complete control which they express by being very adept at manipulation.

To be quite honest, it sounds like you've gone pretty far out of your way to help this girl, and all she's done is to run you into the ground and hurt you at every turn. This friendship sounds like it died a long time ago, and has become a daily ritual of torture and humiliation.

You need to get yourself out, with whatever dignity and self-respect you have left. Whatever you think you can do to help this girl, she won't hear you. Nothing you do will ever change her, only a hugely traumatic life event can do that. She is a pathological user, and she sees you only as a possession to be controlled and exploited. Nothing more, nothing less. (Sorry if this sounds overly harsh, bluntness is the equivalent of a slap across the face in some situations, I know.)

Your friend is the way she is because of something that happened long before you met her, and will shape her long after you leave. If it's any comfort or consolation, you're a really good person for sticking this out as long as you have but you need to do the right thing and go.

Best wishes,

AdmiralRazor

boarduser1980

i dont think she is your friend, maybe she was years ago and its just a habit 11 yrs on, this friendship has run its course. I do sympathise with this girl, she obviously suffers from depression, she should speak to a doctor or go to counselling, but you shouldnt be dragged down with her problems, unless she treated you with respect. she seems to take advantage of your good nature.