Involvement in Pregnancy can Make Men Failures in Parenting

Nevyn

http://www.medindia.net/news/Involvement-in-Pregnancy-can-Make-Men-Failures-in-Parenting-69577-1.htm

A Brit researcher has said that men who involve themselves in their partner's pregnancy and are present at the time of childbirth can jeopardise the father-child relationship later in life.

Dr Jonathan Ives of the Centre for Biomedical Ethics at the University of Birmingham rubbishes the "false, modern rhetoric of equal involvement that has sprung up around parenting."


Dr Ives, who is leading a two-year study titled The Moral Habitus of Fatherhood, believes men who feel obliged to become actively involved in pregnancies are left with a sense of failure and self-doubt as they realise they can offer only passive support to their partners.

"Having begun the fathering role already feeling a failure may destroy his confidence," the Telegraph quoted Dr Ives, as telling the Guardian.

He added: "It can then be very difficult for him to regain faith in himself once the baby is born and move from that passive state to being a proactive father. His role in the family is no longer clear to him. He effectively becomes deskilled as a parent and this can lead to problems bonding with the child.

"We're not trying to undermine the progress that has been made encouraging male involvement, but we want to query what kind of involvement men can have and for society to admit that some varieties of male involvement might not be justified."

While I can certainly understand the concerns in this study about new dad's feeling list and that they are on the sidelines of the pregnancy process, I don't think it carry over when the baby is born.

Certainly my co parent got to hold both of hours first after the birth and I think that both new parents have a hell of a learning curve and the only way to figure it all out is to get stuck in as much as you can. Which is more complicated when we don't have proper paternity leave but that certainly didn't stop any of the wonderful Dad's I know who have been as hands on as possible with their kids from the very beginning.

What do you think?

ThePiedPiper

I think there would be a huge element of doubt in the mind of a new mother if a partner hadn't taken an active role in the pregnancy and been there for the labour, etc. After all, the mother has been carrying the baby for nine months and is certainly best placed to nurture a child in it's early stages. Is a father who has not been involved at these stages really able to suddenly flick a switch and turn on the "carer" role straight away? I don't think so.

In my experience, nothing can prepare parents for those first few days. Everything is new. A father and mother to a slightly lesser extent must be prepared to listen to everyone from the mother, the doctors, nurses, grandparents, aunts, helpful neighbours and anyone else around who actully do have a million times more experinence of parenting. The baby becomes the absolute #1 priority as it is fragile. The mother is possibly physically and emotionally fragile also after delivery.

In my opinion, a father who has been at his partner's side emotionally and physically will be entrusted a lot more than one that has been down the pub celebrating the new arrival and arrives up with the flowers and box of chocs.

Bill2673

Certainly, for our first I felt like a a bit of spare tool in the labour ward, sitting/standing there with no active role for hours and hours, and being honest, getting some dogs abuse from my partner along the way. I'm not giving out about it, we did get a baby at the end of it after all, my partner was incredible and it was a magical event. But I was a bit surprised afterwards when she said how much she appreciated me being there.

But that said, I didn't feel diminished as a parent because of the passive role in the labour ward. Didn't have time to.

Das Kitty

I agree that men can feel helpless that they can't help with the pregnancy or birth, but you know, they do help. Just listening to the woman or even bringing her the umpteenth cuppa is a brilliant help. I always made sure to remind my husband of how much I appreciated his attentiveness.

When it came to the birth I know he felt like he had to put on the brave face but he recently confided in me about how scared he was.

When our son was born though he came to the hospital and stayed during the day and one day he brought me a pair of earplugs and he single-handed looked after our boy for a few hours while I slept. He told me it made him feel wonderful that he was able to put him to sleep and change his nappy.

So I dunno about that article, I think what happens after the birth these days (Dad's with a more hands on role expected) would negate any effect from not being able to help beforehand.

crazy cat lady

There was no stopping my husband getting involved during the pregnancy. He had his own books to read and often filled me in on what was going on with my body and how our baby should be developing. He was supportive of me and my mood swings and my changing body etc... I basically don't think there is any more he could've done!

And now that babs is here, I think he's a great dad! I don't think he could be better if he tried (we'' he could be more enthusiastic about getting up with her in the mornings, but then so could I!)

I understand the theory behind the article, but I personally don't see the evidence. I'm sure the father can only feel helpless if he's let feel helpless!

CathyMoran

My husband has been actively involved with our son from the very begining from holding my bag, helping with morning sickness and looking after the two of us throughout my pregnancy, our son used to kick me when he heard his daddy. When our child was born I was very ill after giving birth so he changed his first nappy, gave him his first feed and looked after the two of us while I rebuilt my strength, we could not have asked for a better parent. He still does the nights and it is obvious that they are very close. I think that you get back what you put in (and more) with parenting.

Kimono-Girl

I have to disagree with the study based on experience too...


My husband to be was exceptionally hands on during the pregnancy, helped me out from day one, he was there all during the labour and to say he helped is an understatement,just knowing he was there is what got me through it! afterwards he was the first to hold our daughter while the nurses sorted us out, and i know if anything that meant more to him than anything,

now she's a complete daddys girl and he is weak for her, he is the most pro -active father i've ever seen!

shell42970

I originally read this Dr.'s theory in the article and thought, "what utter rubbish" before rereading it carefully a second time. The article says, in part, "Dr Ives... believes men who feel obliged to become actively involved in pregnancies are left with a sense of failure and self-doubt as they realise they can offer only passive support to their partners." I suppose the key point for readers to bear in mind is the "men who feel obliged" part. I suppose it's fair to assume these men may have a different over-all experience than the men who WANT to be involved.

Speaking from my own experience: I have two kids from two marriages. My first husband was a college student when we were expecting our daughter (she'll be 20 in the Fall - the same age we were when we had her :eek:). He was going to school 2.5 hours from where I was living, so missed most of the pregnancy - including all prenatal classes and check-ups. The night our daughter arrived he missed her birth by ten minutes. She will be his only child and one of his greatest regrets is that he missed out on most of this special time. He felt he had failed us both for not being there, and it didn't start him on the course of parenthood with much self-confidence.

My second husband, on the other hand, was a tremendous emotional support and presence during my second pregnancy, not to mention a terrific comfort as I labored to deliver our son (now 21 months). He worked alongside the midwife and was anything but "passive support" during the process. When the going got the toughest for me in those final minutes, it was looking into his eyes as he held and encouraged me that gave me the extra strength I needed to see the job through. Being there for the entire process certainly started him on the path of parenthood feeling very capable and closely bonded with his boy.