Is it really an affliction to be Single??

um7y1h83ge06nx

mood wrote: »

Surely that is down to personality rather than age! I really think some of you have such a chip on your shoulder about age. The negativity, assumptions, judging etc just sound so desperate. If this is kept up you really won't meet anyone. Nobody (male or female) wants to be around such negative, self pity. It's not good.

True.

As I said they are purely generalisations and there are some amazing gems out there.

I don't pay too much heed to women's ages. Recently I met up with this 34 year old (I'm 27) and it was a breath of fresh air. She seemed to really know what she was about and knew where she wanted to go in life. She was also very open to things and there was no 'games' or any stuff like that. Unfortunately although she had a great time with me and thought I had my 'head screwed on' etc. she couldn't really get over the age difference, but these things happen. When I was 19, I had a sort of a fling with a 31 year old. She completely freaked when she found out my age though! I have also went on dates etc. with women that were 4-5 years younger than me.

So generalisations which I do find a little interesting certainly wouldn't deter me from any woman, if you believe in generalisations too much they will just hold you back, not move you forward. However, so many people do believe in them I sort of like to investigate them, and be more than just a certain stereotype in a woman's mind.

mood

seenitall wrote: »

Firstly, I am not at the moment in the right frame of mind to start a relationship, I will be the first to admit that, so you can stop assuming I want one. Nothing to do with my perceived "negativity" or "self-pity" (general observations about the world, FYI) though, much more to do with my awareness that I am in the process of working through various issues of deeply personal nature and therefore unable to commit to anyone properly at this point in time. "Working through" being the operative words.

Secondly, if I were "desperate", I would be out there trying to score/snare anyone with a dcik, instead of sitting here engaging in online debates, and trying to help both myself and others understand the world better. Excuse me!

Thirdly, "negativity, assumptions, judging" - have another look at your own post, won't you? :rolleyes:

It wasn't aimed at you at all but at a lot of other negative comments that have appeared. I never said you were desperate. I said a lot of the comments 'just sound so desperate'.

Obviously everyone has their own opinions but all this 30+ women are doomed attitude is so narrow minded I think. From what I experience (and that of my friends, family etc) it's rubbish.

seenitall

mood wrote: »

It wasn't aimed at you at all but at a lot of other negative comments that have appeared. I never said you were desperate. I said a lot of the comments 'just sound so desperate'.

Obviously everyone has their own opinions but all this 30+ women are doomed attitude is so narrow minded I think. From what I experience (and that of my friends, family etc) it's rubbish.

Well, you did quote my post when saying that (shrug)

Thank you for clarifying,

I am far from thinking more "mature" women are doomed but then again, I am living the reality of one, and only have my own experiences and observations to bring to the table (another shrug)... people can make what they wish of them and I do hope that they don't come to the conclusion it's all doomed, who needs that kind of attitude?

So, to sum it up, I am sure you are right!

caseyann

seenitall wrote: »

Well, you did quote my post when saying that (shrug)

Thank you for clarifying,

I am far from thinking more "mature" women are doomed but then again, I am living the reality of one, and only have my own experiences and observations to bring to the table (another shrug)... people can make what they wish of them and I do hope that they don't come to the conclusion it's all doomed, who needs that kind of attitude?

So, to sum it up, I am sure you are right!

So you feel as an older woman you have less options?

xxchloexx

Im single again as of today so ill let you no how i get on with it , im looking forward to being with my girl friends again though haven't seen them as much as i would have liked so suppose thats a plus side , but i am going to miss the whole having somebody to cuddle up with on the sofa or silly little things like a good morning text message when your not with them ...

seenitall

caseyann wrote: »

So you feel as an older woman you have less options?

At the risk of sounding "negative", yes, I have definitely found that to be true. (I am in my mid-thirties BTW.) Mind you, I also have a young child, so this will muddy the waters a bit as to why exactly my options are reduced (is it "only" being over the hill or is it also having a child).

But, to put it bluntly, there will be sparks flying with someone, but after a certain point (while flirting etc.) something that would have caught fire in the past, will fade out into nothingness. Now, this is significantly different than what used to happen, so I know I am not imagining it.

I have to emphasise that this is fine and I have found my peace with it. It is simply the way of the world. Different ages bring different experiences to the fore. No use railing against it. What I do find interesting and useful is to share experiences and try to make sense of things on a forum like this. Even if they sound downbeat or whatever, I would rather share than not.

caseyann

seenitall wrote: »

At the risk of sounding "negative", yes, I have definitely found that to be true. (I am in my mid-thirties BTW.) Mind you, I also have a young child, so this will muddy the waters a bit as to why exactly my options are reduced (is it "only" being over the hill or is it also having a child).

But, to put it bluntly, there will be sparks flying with someone, but after a certain point (while flirting etc.) something that would have caught fire in the past, will fade out into nothingness. Now, this is significantly different than what used to happen, so I know I am not imagining it.

I have to emphasise that this is fine and I have found my peace with it. It is simply the way of the world. Different ages bring different experiences to the fore. No use railing against it. What I do find interesting and useful is to share experiences and try to make sense of things on a forum like this. Even if they sound downbeat or whatever, I would rather share than not.

I am going to pm you if thats ok

Vinta81

I am sh1t sick of being single right now. It hit me today really hard This guy that's been on/off is definitely off right now and I officially have nothing to fall back on I'm also sick of having "fun" I want a boyfriend.

/gahh I sound like a child but I want,want want

Faith

Vinta81 wrote: »

I am sh1t sick of being single right now. It hit me today really hard This guy that's been on/off is definitely off right now and I officially have nothing to fall back on I'm also sick of having "fun" I want a boyfriend.

/gahh I sound like a child but I want,want want

<hugs>

I'd be delighted with some fun now, but tbh I don't even remember how to go about getting it!

We were talking about sex in work yesterday and I said "I'm single. That's all I have to say" and one of the girls went "Yeah, that's best. You can get it whenever you want!". I just looked at her. I clearly haven't mastered that knack yet.

To answer the original qusetion - affliction is a strong word, but I'm definitely much happier in a relationship than single. I don't seem to be the kind of person who's always got guys hanging off her, so being single can be quite lonely (especially as most of my friends are in relationships). I often don't have anyone to do things with.

Vinta81

Faith wrote: »

<hugs>

I'd be delighted with some fun now, but tbh I don't even remember how to go about getting it!

We were talking about sex in work yesterday and I said "I'm single. That's all I have to say" and one of the girls went "Yeah, that's best. You can get it whenever you want!". I just looked at her. I clearly haven't mastered that knack yet.

To answer the original qusetion - affliction is a strong word, but I'm definitely much happier in a relationship than single. I don't seem to be the kind of person who's always got guys hanging off her, so being single can be quite lonely (especially as most of my friends are in relationships). I often don't have anyone to do things with.

It's not that easy to get "it" unless you know them. That said I dunno do I want it to be some random person from the club. Backtracking, as much as I don't want to keep having fun kinda want some right now My closet friend is off on holiday with her boyf on Sat and the other girls are kinda anti men when we're out so it's a lose/lose situation for me. I need a girls on the prowl group :pac:

Faith

Vinta81 wrote: »

I need a girls on the prowl group :pac:

Hmm, you're in Cork, I'm in Cork... Plan forming! :pac:

Vinta81

Faith wrote: »

Hmm, you're in Cork, I'm in Cork... Plan forming! :pac:

Forming, Norming, forget storming and hopefully performing We do need a cork night though.

cork prowling please count me in lol:D

Miss Lockhart

seenitall wrote: »

The actual gist of things is that another reason for which guys prefer younger women (aside from reproductive biology angle etc.) is that younger women are more pliable, more responsive to men's wishes and needs than older ones. It is simply the way of maturing; the older you are, the more you realise that actually, what works best to feel happy and contented is taking care of your own needs first and foremost. A very great number of young women have yet to learn that lesson in life, they are much more insecure in themselves than the older ones, more desirous of a man's approval and validation, and therefore much more eager to put a man's needs ahead of their own. Which is heaven-sent for men, of course, young or old. Who wouldn't want to go for someone who will put them first, as opposed to someone who will put themselves first, or at the very least, expect equality in the relationship?

What a generalisation!

I have actually heard the opposite generalisation more often - occasionally aimed at me.

Many times I have heard people say that as they mature, women will realise that it is not their own needs that should put first, but that of their relationship/family - instead of the selfish self-centredness of youth where you mostly think of yourself.

I mentioned earlier, for example, that I don't feel I can live with another person and that I really need my space - my main reasons for being single. Often I'm told that that is "youthful" (I'm 27!) selfishnesss and that I need to grow up and mature and learn to compromise and make room for somebody else's needs in my life.


I really don't think you can make such sweeping statements about "women" as a group.

beks101

I think any singleton who thinks his/her lack of a partner is an affliction is doomed to a dysfunctional relationship whenever they do meet someone, as it screams of insecurity and an inability to be 'enough' for themselves, without relying on an outside source for their happiness.

I know social expectations can be immense, and personally I'm suddenly finding myself at an age (25) where friends are falling into relationships, people are getting engaged, wedding invites are starting to creep in...and that's hard, but invariably I find myself putting the emotions aside and realising time and again that I don't envy them. I'm at a stage in my life where I'm happy to do my own thing, focus on career and hobbies and developing my friendships and I don't really give a sh1t if it doesn't fit into some socially prescribed timeline of how my life should pan out.

I do worry sometimes though that I've gotten used to being single and all its virtues. I've never had any longtermers and nothing ever really progresses passed the superficial stages, and I'm definitely to blame for that. I have a crazy work schedule - in the office from 9am until midnight today, for example, and a real passion for what I do and very reluctant to put that second. Also I'm fairly self-reliant and although I'm probably a complete romantic sap at heart (don't tell anyone...), there just doesn't seem to be a place in my life for that, there hasn't been for a while really.

I'm a real people person though and have the world at my feet in so many ways, so don't really let myself get bogged down with those thoughts for too long though.

thriller

Becks, you have the right attitude and you're only 25 for godsake!
Judging from your hectic work schedule you enjoy what you do and invariably you will meet someone when you least expect it, there will be a place for that romantic at heart persona to emerge!
As you said social expectations can be immense, I am single for over two years now and at this stage am almost embarrased about it, I attended a wedding overseas a few months ago and I knew that I would probably be the only single person there so I just went to the church and skipped the reception as I knew I wouldn't feel comfortable imposing on all the couples.
I don't agree either with the general view expressed on this topic that guys approaching their mid 30's will seek a younger girl, that is very clinical, surely it's all about clicking with someone regardless of age, if someone goes out seeking a size 8 blonde under 25 that likes sports or whatever then they will never meet anyone.

amacachi

beks101 wrote: »

I think any singleton who thinks his/her lack of a partner is an affliction is doomed to a dysfunctional relationship whenever they do meet someone, as it screams of insecurity and an inability to be 'enough' for themselves, without relying on an outside source for their happiness.

I know social expectations can be immense, and personally I'm suddenly finding myself at an age (25) where friends are falling into relationships, people are getting engaged, wedding invites are starting to creep in...and that's hard, but invariably I find myself putting the emotions aside and realising time and again that I don't envy them. I'm at a stage in my life where I'm happy to do my own thing, focus on career and hobbies and developing my friendships and I don't really give a sh1t if it doesn't fit into some socially prescribed timeline of how my life should pan out.

I do worry sometimes though that I've gotten used to being single and all its virtues. I've never had any longtermers and nothing ever really progresses passed the superficial stages, and I'm definitely to blame for that. I have a crazy work schedule - in the office from 9am until midnight today, for example, and a real passion for what I do and very reluctant to put that second. Also I'm fairly self-reliant and although I'm probably a complete romantic sap at heart (don't tell anyone...), there just doesn't seem to be a place in my life for that, there hasn't been for a while really.

I'm a real people person though and have the world at my feet in so many ways, so don't really let myself get bogged down with those thoughts for too long though.

Even as a young fella I've gotten very cynical, but then learned that being in a relationship isn't what I need to fill the hole I thought was in my life. So I learned that constantly "looking" for "someone" was just going to **** me up even more, as it has done before, and people knew it and took advantage of that fact. It was a tough lesson to learn but I learnt it.

Once pregnancies or long-term anniversaries or weddings start ya know you're in trouble. :pac: You kinda remind me of me (:P) in that there's certain things I really want to do (that I as a man definitely can't do while single) but right now I can't imagine being happier. I have the world at my feet in a lot of ways. Not on paper, my granda on one side was a traveller on the other side was a murderer :pac: and I'm on the dole. Give me just over 3 years from now and I'll be a medicine student, that'll make a lot of 30+ women suddenly more interested in this bald bastard. :pac:
Even on the dole right now, give me a couple of months and I could get into any country and lift anything anyone could lift on a building site or in a factory. :P We don't know how lucky we are in country.

So many women seem to believe there's a lack of men interested or are actually out there for a relationship. If a woman with a proper career (who met a lot of strict conditions because I'm a fussy bastard) started seeing me I'd be up for starting a family right now, I'm easy, most guys are. Sounds like a bad thing, but it isn't, most guys will just go with it. Even if it's unexpected/unplanned I don't know a single guy who when that kid pops out wouldn't just **** off for ages. :pac:
But it does annoy me when women talk about the lack of man around, as is also mentioned a lot, men are more up for it that women. :P

Even at 21 I would like nothing more than to be in a proper relationship, but I've only met one person who would fit into it, and I can't see it happening again soon but I'll wait a long time before I settle. :P

Cinful

Affliction? No. Still sampling (in the interests of science, of course).

amacachi

Cinful wrote: »

Affliction? No. Still sampling (in the interests of science, of course).

"Sampling"? Good, that sounds like maths and that's the only actual science. :pac:

Cinful

amacachi wrote: »

"Sampling"? Good, that sounds like maths and that's the only actual science. :pac:

Not ready to multiply yet. Although "practice makes perfect!"

amacachi

Cinful wrote: »

Not ready to multiply yet. Although "practice makes perfect!"

Pfft, I don't want to just multiply, anything that doesn't require Knuth isn't worth doing.

mood

Miss Lockhart wrote: »

I really don't think you can make such sweeping statements about "women" as a group.

I agree but would also as that you can't make such sweeping statements about "men" as a group also. A lot of people writing what is their personal opinion/experience but are writing it in such a way that make it look like it's proven fact which it certainly is not.

Eve_Dublin

Single, in a relationship...as other have said, neither term defines who I am. I just like being myself, doing my own thing, being comfortable in my own skin, making my own friends. If somebody wants to come along for the ride, then great but I´m happy enough to do it on my own as well. I´ve done so many things alone (travelling alone for a year was the major turning point for me and made it possible move to Spain last year on my own) that I´ve grown to love spending time by myself. I can be an extrovert when I feel like it, but on the whole, I do a lot of things on my own and get a genuine kick out of it. I´m very self-sufficient, I know what´s good and bad for me as I´m very self-aware. I know myself inside out. Not all of it I like but I´m working on that, which I found more difficult to do in a relationship when I was younger and less secure.

I am seeing a guy at the moment...nothing majorly serious although I like him a lot and I think my feelings are reciprocated. I have no desire to spend every waking minute with him...I have no dependency on him and visa versa...he plays the piano and writes music and could spend the whole day doing just that and I could spend the whole day under a tree in a park reading. I like spending time with him, he´s good company and the fact that were very much our own people makes it all the better when were together. No weird mixed messages, no games and for the very first time in my life, we started out as friends and then got together. Friendship is a good base for a relationship...we pretty much already decided we liked each other beyond just a physical level in the 5 weeks we were housemates and the physical aspect is just a (fantastic) bonus.

He´s incredibly comfortable in his own skin and honestly, if I met 4 years ago I would have been intimidated and probably avoided him but I remained single for a good while, got to know and like myself and feel for the first time in a long time that I´m worth liking. No strange feelings of, "What does he see in me? What´s his ulterior motive?" like I felt in the past. You NEED to be single to find out who you are and what you´re good at or your relationships will only end in tears further down the line.

limklad

Emme wrote: »

If you marry for money you'll end up earning every cent you get and rightly so.

You reasoning give men pause for not getting hooked up with women.

Well, It is a perfectly legal way to steal and to commit fraud under pretense.

Emme

limklad wrote: »

You reasoning give men pause for not getting hooked up with women.

It also gives women a good reason for not hooking up with men. Just as there are women who seek out rich men, there are men who seek out rich women.

being single is better than settling or being miserable in a dead relationship

Micahelxcx

Well I'm a single guy and I'd love to know where all the single ladies are!
I would like a fulfilling, genuine relationship.
Most of my friends are married and are not available to socialise with me.
I've tried internet dating - didn't work.
So single ladies where are you on a Friday or Saturday night?
Being single means a table for one, single room supplement. It is a lousy existence.

Kooli

[quote=[Deleted User];66696860]being single is better than settling or being miserable in a dead relationship[/QUOTE]

Totally agreed.

But I also think that being in a good relationship is much better than being single.

Silverfish

Micahelxcx wrote: »

Well I'm a single guy and I'd love to know where all the single ladies are!
I would like a fulfilling, genuine relationship.
Most of my friends are married and are not available to socialise with me.
I've tried internet dating - didn't work.
So single ladies where are you on a Friday or Saturday night?
Being single means a table for one, single room supplement. It is a lousy existence.

Please read the charter of this forum, thank you.

beks101

Micahelxcx wrote: »

Well I'm a single guy and I'd love to know where all the single ladies are!
I would like a fulfilling, genuine relationship.
Most of my friends are married and are not available to socialise with me.
I've tried internet dating - didn't work.
So single ladies where are you on a Friday or Saturday night?
Being single means a table for one, single room supplement. It is a lousy existence.

It's a lousy existence because you've decided that it is.

This is the crux of the problem for all those miserable single people out there and it's ironic, because it's an attitude that will prevent their status from changing. It's so unattractive when someone can't be happy within themselves and it's an attitude that permeates every aspect of someone's personality and demeanour.

My best friend is like this, eternally single and permanently waiting for a man to come along and make her happy. She's outgoing, funny, loyal, loving, gorgeous and the best friend I've ever had and it just frustrates the hell out of me that she's seemingly intent on selling herself short in this way.

She meets guys, she dates them and hooks up with them but they never stick around long, because it doesn't really matter who they are - she just wants a relationship, and you can smell that sort of desperation a mile off.

Why does being single have to mean a table for one, and what's wrong with a table for one anyway? I'm a people person and love my social life but just don't trust someone who's not able to sit in their own company every so often, it's not a good sign.

And even if your status does mean a table for one, what's stopping you from changing it - from getting out and making new single friends, re-connecting with old friends, spending more time with family? I just don't get it. We were all born into this world alone and it's up to each one of us to make it on our own - be it in our careers or other ambitions or social lives or personal lives or whatever. People can offer support, but ultimately the only person who can make you happy is you, not 'Ms Right'

Miss Lockhart

mood wrote: »

I agree but would also as that you can't make such sweeping statements about "men" as a group also.

Oh definitley - it works both ways. I was replying to somebody making sweeping generalisations about women at the time though.

mood wrote: »

A lot of people writing what is their personal opinion/experience but are writing it in such a way that make it look like it's proven fact which it certainly is not.

I completely agree. I certainly hope these people do not go around in real life assuming that their own personal experience is fact and making unfair judgements and forming unfair, unfounded opinons about others whose experiences/opinions don't fit in with their outlook.

That would perhaps go some way to explaining how some people can make such judgemental and rude statements about other people's life choices though.

seenitall

Miss Lockhart wrote: »

Oh definitley - it works both ways. I was replying to somebody making sweeping generalisations about women at the time though.



I certainly hope people do not go around in real life assuming that their own personal experience is fact and making unfair judgements and forming unfair, unfounded opinons about others whose experiences/opinions don't fit in with their outlook.

That would perhaps go some way to explaining how some people can make such judgemental and rude statements about other people's life choices though.

Never a truer word spoken!

wandatowell

Bit of a long(ish) post so please bare with me.

I dunno what it is but I have never been happy in relationships. I cannot form emotional bonds with people. Dont get me wrong, I have loads of friends and quite a few very close friends and I love all my Family, I just cannot feel emotions for people with whom Im in a relationship with.

Do I want my partners to be happy?? Yeah of course I do and I love the feeling I get when I know I make my gf's happy but I have never/cant feel emotions towards them.

I hate feeling that I need people for their help and support. I have always been pretty independent as a person I think it might just be a personality flaw I picked. Or is it a flaw because Im happy the way I am????

What does confuse me is that I love meeting people and I can chat away to a stranger no bothers and I have no trouble making friends as I am a pretty positive person (its not that Im a social recluse ya know!!! lol) but when it comes to relationships there's nothing there that interests me.

Just wondering is there anybody around these parts ever felt something similar or I would even like to hear some of ye're thoughts thanks!

I hope the post made sense and there's not too many contradictions

Raekwon

I'm nearly 30 and I have been in relationships since I was 18 so I've only had 18 months of being single and I personally find the longer you are single the more of an affliction it becomes. The first year of being single was mixed with pain and fear of the future to utter joy with my new found freedom, but in the last 6 months, as soon as my mates started to settle down and I was left as the only single guy in my social circle, things took a turn for the worst.

These days all I hear about are engagements and pregnancies and I have to admit it does get me down. On the rare occasion that I hook up with my mates (once or twice per month.....but never all of us together anymore) they always ask me if I have meet anyone etc and it has gotten to the point where I am lying to them and telling them that I have my eye on someone. Truth be told I don't even know one single girl here and that is actually quite frighting. I'm left pining for the past and trying to keep my mind occupied so I'm not constantly thinking about whsts happening around me...........although I have been mulling over the idea of living abroad to see if that can rejuvenate my life, but at the moment it is just a though.

Btw this is pretty much how my last too long term relationships ended so I've obviously got trust issues.........

George Orwell 1982

beks101 wrote: »

It's a lousy existence because you've decided that it is.

Its a bit more complex than that. It is genuinely hard psychologically being single for a long time. It eats away at your self-esteem.

And the lack of opportunities to meet young single people is a genuine problem.

Its easy to say "just be positive about it". Yeah its important to have a positive outlook and keep making an effort to meet people but it still is hard going.

wha

Personally I don't think being single is an affliction unless there's somebody special you want to be in a relationship with.
I don't think I'm a relationship person. I'm 21 and have probably spent less than a year of my life being "spoken for". When I really like someone it makes me sad that I'm no going out with THEM, but the idea of being in a relationship with someone I'm not mad about and not 100% comfortable with freaks me out and even disgusts me a bit! (Maybe because I've done it before!)
I know friends of mine have gone out with people for the sake of not being single and the idea of that horrifies me!
So while I hate being single at this very moment, it's purely because there is someone I really like and I imagine what it would be like if WE were together. If he wasn't around though I don't think my relationship status would even cross my mind.

beks101

George Orwell 1982 wrote: »

Its a bit more complex than that. It is genuinely hard psychologically being single for a long time. It eats away at your self-esteem.

And the lack of opportunities to meet young single people is a genuine problem.

Its easy to say "just be positive about it". Yeah its important to have a positive outlook and keep making an effort to meet people but it still is hard going.

It's totally subjective and it's easier for some than for others.

As Wha said, some people are just not relationship people, whereas others are. Some people have just never met the right person. Other people have met all the right people and have spent most of their teenage/adult lives in relationships, so naturally for these people, prolonged singledom is going to seem like more of an 'affliction' than for others.

When I said 'it's a lousy existence because you've decided that it is', I didn't say it from the perspective of one half of a smug, loved up couple who's trying to bestow some Pollyanna-style advice on someone who isn't in a relationship. I said it from the perspective of someone who's been single for years, simply because I haven't met someone worth sacrificing my singledom and sharing my life with yet. I certainly don't have a lousy existence, very far from it actually.

I completely understand how much of an emotional need we all have, as humans, for intimacy and affection and love and just simply 'someone to come home to', but what I meant was coping with life and fulfilling your needs without relying on a second party is probably the most important life skill you can learn. And so many people don't have it.

We are the sum of our experiences and naturally as life takes hold and all those around us start hooking up, others' long term relationships and engagements and marriages and births etc are going to make us feel inadequate. But if those inadequacies result in us losing self esteem, becoming bitter, caving to the pressure and finding a man, any man...just so you're not alone, well then you need a serious wake-up call. That's not happiness, or independence, or love or fulfillment in the way that I know it. That's hell on earth from where I'm standing and I certainly won't allow it to happen to me.

You're not going to enjoy every day of your single life, I certainly don't. I get lonely going to bed alone sometimes and I have tons of moments when I think 'this would be so much easier if I had someone by my side', but ultimately, you have to be able to stand on your own two feet and learn how to be comfortable and confident within yourself. Looking at it as a glass-half-empty scenario is going to stall your personal growth and leave you as half the person you could be if you stopped viewing your status as an 'affliction.'

Fago!

Being single isn't affliction, it's just a way of life that some people favor over being attached. Some people love being unattached batchelors/batchelorettes having meaningless one night stands, and some want more from life. I truly had a blast on my own, having the time to focus on hobbys, partying with my other single mates, sleeping with women I just met... Honestly it's not an affliction, it's a great lifestyle. But it's a lifestyle I'm getting bored with.

I turn 20 in two weeks, and over the last few days I thought to myself - I'm 20 and never had any long term (Or even short term) relationship, never had that person to connect with, to share things with...etc... Do I sometimes wish things were different? Yeah. Am I ashamed? Not a chance. It's not a bloody illness FFS!

paky

I've been single all my life. I'm 23 but I know friends who wouldnt go a month without been in a relationship. Imo its a load of b.ollox. Why anyone would want to spend the rest of there life with one person is beyond me.

pow wow

I like having someone to share things with but the whole 'couple' thing freaks me out - hanging out with other couples, doing coupley things....eeek. My current bf lives about 275 miles away and spends a great deal of time abroad with work and it suits me fine

I was single for almost 10 years after almost getting married so I really got used to it, and certainly didn't hate it. Gradually as I've gotten older though I've missed the closeness and having someone to kick back (and cuddle!) with. I don't think it's an affliction if you're happy with it, much as other people might make you feel that it is.

Miss Lockhart

Fago! wrote: »

Being single isn't affliction, it's just a way of life that some people favor over being attached. Some people love being unattached batchelors/batchelorettes having meaningless one night stands, and some want more from life. I truly had a blast on my own, having the time to focus on hobbys, partying with my other single mates, sleeping with women I just met... Honestly it's not an affliction, it's a great lifestyle. But it's a lifestyle I'm getting bored with.

I turn 20 in two weeks, and over the last few days I thought to myself - I'm 20 and never had any long term (Or even short term) relationship, never had that person to connect with, to share things with...etc... Do I sometimes wish things were different? Yeah. Am I ashamed? Not a chance. It's not a bloody illness FFS!

I really wouldn't view a relationship as "more" - just different.

It just seems a little condescending to imply that contented singledom is all about "meaningless one night stands" while those who aren't contented want "more". As if being single is "less".

Raekwon

Fago! wrote: »

I truly had a blast on my own, having the time to focus on hobbys, partying with my other single mates, sleeping with women I just met... Honestly it's not an affliction, it's a great lifestyle. But it's a lifestyle I'm getting bored with.

Dude you are still a teenager, at your age you shouldn't be even thinking about getting into a serious relationships yet (I did at your age and sort of regret it now). I am 10 years older then you and I if I had the opportunity to party with other single mates and sleep with women that I just met then I probably wouldn't care less about being in a relationship or not right now...........infact I'd probably be the envy of all my mates that are in relationships But joking aside, when you hit a certain age and everyone else seems to have their life unfold infront of them (in regards getting married, starting a family, etc) then being single can be a daunting experience for alot of people. Plus the lack of regular sex can become absolutely torturous at times

seenitall

beks101 wrote: »

It's totally subjective and it's easier for some than for others.

As Wha said, some people are just not relationship people, whereas others are. Some people have just never met the right person. Other people have met all the right people and have spent most of their teenage/adult lives in relationships, so naturally for these people, prolonged singledom is going to seem like more of an 'affliction' than for others.

When I said 'it's a lousy existence because you've decided that it is', I didn't say it from the perspective of one half of a smug, loved up couple who's trying to bestow some Pollyanna-style advice on someone who isn't in a relationship. I said it from the perspective of someone who's been single for years, simply because I haven't met someone worth sacrificing my singledom and sharing my life with yet. I certainly don't have a lousy existence, very far from it actually.

I completely understand how much of an emotional need we all have, as humans, for intimacy and affection and love and just simply 'someone to come home to', but what I meant was coping with life and fulfilling your needs without relying on a second party is probably the most important life skill you can learn. And so many people don't have it.

We are the sum of our experiences and naturally as life takes hold and all those around us start hooking up, others' long term relationships and engagements and marriages and births etc are going to make us feel inadequate. But if those inadequacies result in us losing self esteem, becoming bitter, caving to the pressure and finding a man, any man...just so you're not alone, well then you need a serious wake-up call. That's not happiness, or independence, or love or fulfillment in the way that I know it. That's hell on earth from where I'm standing and I certainly won't allow it to happen to me.

You're not going to enjoy every day of your single life, I certainly don't. I get lonely going to bed alone sometimes and I have tons of moments when I think 'this would be so much easier if I had someone by my side', but ultimately, you have to be able to stand on your own two feet and learn how to be comfortable and confident within yourself. Looking at it as a glass-half-empty scenario is going to stall your personal growth and leave you as half the person you could be if you stopped viewing your status as an 'affliction.'

This is so true. I knew a woman once in my workplace who wouldn't go to the canteen on her own, because "she would feel uncomfortable/weird". This was a woman in her late forties, and she actually told me this. I admit to being judgmental when I heard that, I was just thinking: "Why would you even tell me this? It's a bit... pathetic." Of course, she has been married for a very long time. She can't not have been. Still, what she said was something that I would be expecting from a woman coming from a Middle Eastern or African culture, but not an Irish woman!

This whole post is spot on.

rubywax

Its very hard been single & lesbian

ciagr297

seenitall wrote: »

This is so true. I knew a woman once in my workplace who wouldn't go to the canteen on her own, because "she would feel uncomfortable/weird". This was a woman in her late forties, and she actually told me this. I admit to being judgmental when I heard that, I was just thinking: "Why would you even tell me this? It's a bit... pathetic." Of course, she has been married for a very long time. She can't not have been. Still, what she said was something that I would be expecting from a woman coming from a Middle Eastern or African culture, but not an Irish woman!

This whole post is spot on.

i know at least 3 of my friends who quite literally won't step outside the door without "him"....it defeats the aim of a friendship between two people if there are always three involved (you, your friend and her boyfriend)

i dunno, sometimes I think people fail to realise that having a boyfriend/husband is not a status symbol or confirmation that you are acceptable/normal/worthy

Emme

rubywax wrote: »

Its very hard been single & lesbian

It's interesting to hear a lesbian viewpoint. I'm a single straight female of 37 and was beginning to think that lesbian women of the same age would find it easier to meet a partner because of numbers - for every gay woman there is another gay woman but for every straight woman there isn't necessarily a straight man. Maybe not - I imagine it's difficult for gay and lesbian people who live in small rural areas and/or are closeted.

I know the gay male community place a very high value on youth and physical attractiveness and that puts older gay men under pressure. Is this also the case for lesbian women? Is it harder for lesbian women of a certain age to find a partner just as it is harder for straight women of a certain age?

Eitherways I'm sorry to hear it's hard to be lesbian and single.

Jelly2

I've read through the messages on this forum with great interest! It's great that there are so many people 'out there' who can stand tall and say that they are contented being single. It's galling when people seem so negative in regard to those who don't like being single, or who are happy being single now but are open to the prospect of their status changing in the future.
For the women out there who have to live with the 'past it at 30' cliches - 30 does not mean the end of opportunity if you would like to meet someone. I write 'meet someone', not 'be in a relationship', because it often seems to me that many people think of the second primarily and only latterly of the first. Meeting someone who makes you feel more contented than you ever have before is the only reason to be in a relationship, and it's the couple who compose the partnership that matter. This is why I was happily single until the grand old age(!) of 33 (female), and then met a guy who made me think that 33 years of single life was worth transforming. And he was 35, and quite happy to set up home with a woman in her thirties!!!

Jelly2

donfers wrote: »

agreed. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years, she is starting a univeristy course in September and I'll be off travelling to South East Asia for a few months and hopefully South America too if the cash is still there, seems to me you associate coupledom with suffocation/paralysis and it's far from that if you're with the right person, maybe your boyfriend history has led you to believe that being in a couple means lack of flexibility/spontaneity/options etc but that is just your experience

I can safely say that one of the greatest things about the relationship that I am in (which is the first relationship that I have ever had that lasted more than about six weeks) is the fact that my partner and I spur each other on to do just these kind of things...someone mentioned in another post that an extreme sport hobby is like another woman in the relationship for some women. The right combination of two people will mean that they won't feel like that.

donfers

magneticimpulse wrote: »

As for the guy who mentioned he prefered being in a relationship just for regular sex...hmmm well im not surprised your single. As far as i remember, relationships were not just about sex.

jaysus, that's a bit harsh, he was just being honest. all your posts on this thread seem to revolve around getting pissed, hitting on guys that are 10 years younger than you, having 2 guys on the go at the same time and saying that it's ok to look at them but not to talk them and most transparently of all telling us again and again and again how wonderful your single life is.

Being single is not an affliction, far from it, it is very enjoyable as you have reminded us again and again and again but coupledom to me is an even more enriching experience IF YOU ARE WITH THE RIGHT PERSON. You seem to have modelled your life on Samantha from Sex and the City and I have no problem with that. My issue is with your opinion which implies that coupledom is a prison sentence. I think that speaks more for your boyfriend history than the reality of being in a couple. What it boils down to, I think, is if want to share the most important special experiences of your life with someone else or have them on your own.

Single life is geat and fun and exciting but there comes a team when you realise sharing those feelings just feels better.

Jelly2

I was always one of those who couldn't understand why anybody wanted to be in a relationship...too much trouble, too much compromise etc. What Donfers says is true, as I learned, being in a relationship is brilliant, as long as you are with the right person. It doesn't feel like a compromise then, it feels enriching. But I was still pretty contented when I was single, because any other relationship than the one I'm now in would definitely have been too much trouble, compromise and unfulfilling.