Hi, anyone out there lose a spouse/partner?

axel rose

Just wondering if there are any people out there living life without their other half. I was with my husband for 10 years, married for 2, he died getting ready for work at 34. It turned my world on its arse and back again.

11 months ago today, I was living in an icu unit, each hour my updates were getting worse. My husbands brain was dead. He was such a lovely guy. (Every time liverpool played he came home with a magazine for me to read!! . Unnagged and and unnecessary btw!)

I'm selling our house as I need to live in the same town as my family. I really miss him, he would have loved helping sort out the new house.

It annoys me that we only got a decade while some of the greatest wasters on earth seem to live forever.

Rev Hellfire

While not one of the above my daughter passed away on at the start of the year.
I think you can beat yourself up looking at the wasters and losers who squander their life and wonder why not them, though one thing I have noticed is I'm much less inclined to pander to their bullshít.

banie01

axel rose wrote: »

Just wondering if there are any people out there living life without their other half. I was with my husband for 10 years, married for 2, he died getting ready for work at 34. It turned my world on its arse and back again.

11 months ago today, I was living in an icu unit, each hour my updates were getting worse. My husbands brain was dead. He was such a lovely guy. (Every time liverpool played he came home with a magazine for me to read!! . Unnagged and and unnecessary btw!)

I'm selling our house as I need to live in the same town as my family. I really miss him, he would have loved helping sort out the new house.

It annoys me that we only got a decade while some of the greatest wasters on earth seem to live forever.

Hiya Axel,
My own story is similar enough to your's.
I was with my partner for almost 12 years, I loved her before I ever even saw the girl A group of us were sitting outside my friends house and I heard the most beautiful laugh in the world.....So I sent my best friends GF over to find out who laughed and ask her if she'd go away with me The joys of being 16
Anyway I came back that night and told my mates I was in love, and had just met the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with!
They laughed at me, but I didn't care.....And I was almost right, we were together the rest of hers....It just wasn't long enough

Kate passed away in April 2007, 2 weeks after our son's 3rd birthday. We were upstairs getting ready to go to town on a Saturday afternoon, when Kate collapsed......
In all honesty it was over for her before she left in the ambulance, but the EMT's and the crew in the hospital did trojan work! They fought hard to give Kate any chance at all at survival.....It also gave us the chance to get her sister home from Spain and the rest of the family together too...
The time in ICU was a nightmare, Even though I knew Kate was braindead and that Logically there was no hope.....Every muscle twitch sparked hope that somehoe there would be a miracle....That God wouldn't take someone I loved as much as her away from me....
That he wouldn't leave our son without a mam...

But it was all false hope, 2 days later we made the decision to switch off life support and proceed with organ donation(Apart from her eyes....I couldn't leave those go to anyone else) Organ donation was an easy choice for us to make(Thankfully) As all through our life she'd always said if anything ever happened to her that if her 'bits were viable that we'd better use them to help someone!!!(Psychic or what?)

I'll be honest though at the time we donated Kate's organs....I didn't care if the receipients died screaming! Why did I have to lose Kate to give people I didn't know....much less care about a shot at life???? It was about 2 yrs before I could grasp the gift she gave, from her generous spirit 5 people had more time, 5 families had the moment that tore me assunder postponed....And thats the kind of person Kate was, always giving, caring loving and kind. And her making sure her wishes in that respect were known, lets her spirit live on in a kind of vicarious way through her generousity.

It would have been Kate's 30th birthday last saturday....and it was a hard hard day.....Not because it was her Birthday and she should be here for it....But because everyone seemed to remember oh its Kate's Bday today I wonder how Bryan is......
For me it was another day without her I don't need a special occasion to remember her, Its a constant ache that despite what people say....Time doesn't heal....But you do learn to live with, get better at coping and learning to even hide sometimes.

As for the wasters and anyone else you see that seems to be immortal and untouchable whilst the good die young....
Don't dwell on it, It leads to bitterness, resentment and robs you of the chance to enjoy the joy that will still come your way in life. Be it with your child or however else you do to spark a smile!
It really can lead to a massive chip on the shoulder with noone to blame, and very hard to get over ;-)

Futurecrook

axel rose wrote: »

Just wondering if there are any people out there living life without their other half. I was with my husband for 10 years, married for 2, he died getting ready for work at 34. It turned my world on its arse and back again.

11 months ago today, I was living in an icu unit, each hour my updates were getting worse. My husbands brain was dead. He was such a lovely guy. (Every time liverpool played he came home with a magazine for me to read!! . Unnagged and and unnecessary btw!)

I'm selling our house as I need to live in the same town as my family. I really miss him, he would have loved helping sort out the new house.

It annoys me that we only got a decade while some of the greatest wasters on earth seem to live forever.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My sister lost her husband two years ago this Saturday. He just collapsed one day and then spent two weeks in the ICU on life support. It was a horrible time for all of us as we all loved him as a member of the family, but how my sister coped is beyond me. Like you they only got about ten years together. They have two beautiful children who keep her going but my heart goes out to her or anyone in a similar situation because it's just so unfair.

I know that she's involved in a group called Widowed Young in Ireland and the support she's gotten from them has been invaluable. They have regular meetups and organise weekends away and have a private internet forum where they can just chat and generally help each other out. Maybe it could be of some help to you?

http://www.widowedyoung.ie/

axel rose

Wow. There are a lot of similarities between our stories. I couldn't donate my husbands organs because the hospital didn't know why he collapsed in the first place. I had to wait months to find out- it was absolute torture.

My husbands life support was switched off about an hour after his sister was rushed from Austraila. She made it just in time as he couldnt hold on much longer.

I go through peroids where I can't believe what has happened! My life was supposed to be ordinary!!! Work, look after our son, clean the house, go out every month or so-and repeat. Were we all asking too much?


I am so sorry that people are going through this too.

banie01

axel rose wrote: »

I couldn't donate my husbands organs because the hospital didn't know why he collapsed in the first place. I had to wait months to find out- it was absolute torture.

With my partners case, whilst we had to wait 7 months for the inquest and issuing of the death certificate.
The organ harvesting teams were happy to proceed with taking everything apart from her heart itself(Although the valves were harvested and used).

The wait for the inquest was soul crushing and then when you see the 'Cause of Death' in black and white and still can't grasp what actually happened!
Thankfully my GP went to great lengths to find out what happened even going so far as to get me a report from a neurologist and an anaestathist as even he was a bit flummoxed as to what took a 26y.o woman.

Even after the issuance of the Death cert it was still over 2 and a half years before everything was actually settled.....
Between sorting out the Mortgage Protection(who went out of their way to make life difficult) and life assurance(Royal Liver went out of their way to be helpful!) and all the other ancilliary thhings that go with settling an estate and ensuring everything is correct and in order...
Down to sorting guardianship and childrens allowance amonst other things, that I bitched and moaned about whilst doing....But in reality actually kept me sane and focused during the darkest days.

Now I just focus on my son, I'm lucky in that he has a memory like an Elephant....At times I swear he remembers more than I do
Everytime something jogs his memory we have a chat about it, and it renews the memory and keeps it fresh for him....A lot of what he'll know about his Mam will come vicariously through other peoples recollections, But it is vital for me that those memories that he has, he keeps:)

axel rose

She was too damn young to die. I'm glad that your son remembers his mum, you must talk about her a lot. My son hasn't a hope of remembering his dad but I'm keeping a diary and showing him lota of photos.

I felt your pain when I tried to claim on the mortgage protection!! What a shower of cold hearted ****!! They tried to pull every trick in the book to avoid paying out. They even wanted a list of every doctor he went to---EVER! Like you I found the life insurance companies great to deal with, his employers were also brilliant and sorted out a lot of the paperwork for us. For the life of me I will never understand how someone can work in those insurance companies and concider themselves human.

His probbate is still being sorted but I'll get sorted in its own good time I guess.

banie01

axel rose wrote: »

She was too damn young to die. I'm glad that your son remembers his mum, you must talk about her a lot. My son hasn't a hope of remembering his dad but I'm keeping a diary and showing him lota of photos.

I felt your pain when I tried to claim on the mortgage protection!! What a shower of cold hearted ****!! They tried to pull every trick in the book to avoid paying out. They even wanted a list of every doctor he went to---EVER! Like you I found the life insurance companies great to deal with, his employers were also brilliant and sorted out a lot of the paperwork for us. For the life of me I will never understand how someone can work in those insurance companies and concider themselves human.

His probbate is still being sorted but I'll get sorted in its own good time I guess.

Yeah we do talk about her lots :)Luckily theres lots and lots to talk about... Kate just sparkled....And even though she passed young we packed a lot of living into the time we had! We lived abroad for 4 years, travelled and had a LOT of fun.....I suppose you could say she went out like a star and left everyone who knew her wanting a little bit more!

It was exactly the same with me, Irish life were an absolute nightmare to deal with!!!
I can understand they need to cover their ass re: fraud and such but I think Kates GP ended up with 11 different letters requesting the same information over and over again as well as him fielding numerous calls from them....He contacted me to let me know he felt hounded!
They also contacted me directly requesting medical information!
I did write back to them pointing out my complete lack of medical qualifications and told them to refer any further correspondence regarding that to her doctor and my solicitor!
I eventually just let my solicitor deal with them as I found them infuriating in the extreme, It got to the stage where I even moved my pension away from Irish life! I will never deal with them again!

Also I was blessed with the support I had from work, whatever else anyone says about the hole Dell left Limerick in when they pulled out.....They went above and beyond in taking care of me.
I was signed off for 6 months and when I eventually went back to work my shift pattern was changed to 3x12 on Fri,Sat and Sunday leaving me all week to look after my son and then thanks to my Mam and my MIL I was able to get back to work fulltime knowing my son was being well cared for!

axel rose

Kate sounded like a really cool person. Sean was my flatmate for a year before we got together. (He was one housemate I really got on with :cool:). He had to be the kindest guy I ever met-so much so I wondered what the hell he was doing with a cynical cow like me!

He loved the finer things in life and generally made a point of seeking out the best of everything!! (About 2 months before he died he planned our holidays, to celebrate his new job he booked first class tickets to the caribbean ) My favourite memory is the look on his face when we 'turned left'.

Obviously I miss the big things like meals out and holidays but not having him to turn to when I have big news or a tough day kills me. I feel so alone then.

I have to say that both families have been brilliant with their support but seans family live hours away and my mum was diagnosed with cancer the month after sean died so she and my dad are limited in what they can do.

My boss signed me off for a year but the promise of a transfer fell through and I really don't know what to do- my hours are incredibly unsocial and there is no creche or facility that can work them. I've been on xanax since I found out that I cant get the transfer. I'm putting off the phone call to my manager. I cant face it.

banie01

Yeah she was, She was the best half of me....She balanced me out! And Christ did/do I need balancing
I know what you mean about missing the little things! My family used to think I had a fantastic memory and great taste come their birthdays......But aside from paying for it, it was never me, My memory for birthdays and the like was always terrible(aside from Kate's and the anniversary of when we met....Which would've been our weding day too ;-) One way to be sure I never forgot our anniversary!haha), but she never ever forgot a single one....Not my siblings, nieces, nephews cousins everyone!!!!!
Its waking up in the mornings I find hardest, despite all the memories and everything else we shared....
In the morning I wake up, roll over hoping I'm awake before her so I can just look at her for a few minutes before she wakes but her side of the bed is empty And then I remember why

I'm so sorry to hear about your mam, I hope the treatment goes well for her and hopefully with you moving closer to home ye can both be a support to each other during this time.

As for work, Hopefully you can get something sorted without too much upheaval.

Thanks for sharing Axel, and once again thanks again for the effort for getting this forum started!

axel rose

Ah, quit with the thanks-Ill get all big headed and smug . Ah sure go on-one more time :cool:!

Mum should be fine once she finishes her treatment but some days the cure is as bad as the disease. And it's not just her thats going through it either, my poor old dad is run ragged too.

I think Ill be brave and phone work tomorrow. I dont know if an arrangement can be made but it goes against everything in my nature to hand in a good job.

My memory has been so bad since he died, there is always some part of my brain thinking about him. It annoys me that so many people that knew sean have had all these lovely dreams while all I got were these horrible nightmares-bloody hell, I think I deserved a nice dream too eh?

I hope today is a good day for us all. Thanks for the chat banie! Goodnight.

Kalimah

You have me crying here. I can't believe the tragedy that some people can live with and manage to get up in the mornings and carry on for your children. My heart goes out to you and my sincere admiration.

banie01

axel rose wrote: »

Ah, quit with the thanks-Ill get all big headed and smug . Ah sure go on-one more time :cool:!

Mum should be fine once she finishes her treatment but some days the cure is as bad as the disease. And it's not just her thats going through it either, my poor old dad is run ragged too.

I think Ill be brave and phone work tomorrow. I dont know if an arrangement can be made but it goes against everything in my nature to hand in a good job.

My memory has been so bad since he died, there is always some part of my brain thinking about him. It annoys me that so many people that knew sean have had all these lovely dreams while all I got were these horrible nightmares-bloody hell, I think I deserved a nice dream too eh?

I hope today is a good day for us all. Thanks for the chat banie! Goodnight.

Axel,
Was just thinking about whether you managed to make that call today And if you did, I hope it went well for you.

axel rose

:(I completely chickened out. I decided to have one more weekend in denial before reality comes a knocking. On monday I'll have an update!

dan_d

Guys you are describing my worst nightmare. A few years ago I watched an uncle in his 50s die from bowel cancer. And I swore to myself I would do the best to live my life as healthily as possible, give myself every chance to live long. Furthermore, I'd bring everyone I love along with me, even if I had to wreck their heads to do it!

The one thing that I was just so traumatised by was my aunt. How it must have felt for her. I know i can't really imagine it, but to have that happen would be my absolute worst nightmare. I don't know how I'd survive. I admire your strength so much, the 2 of you.Your kids are so incredibly lucky to have you.

toadfly

Oh god I am in bits reading your posts. Fair play to ye both, I dont know how you do it. I couldnt cope if I lost my OH, I just dont think I could do it.

Hope ye are both ok and are having a good day xx

Asphyxia

It's taken me awhile but I think I am now feeling okay enough to post. When I was 14/15 I was going out with a fella for just a year, it was my first serious relationship and I cared so deeply for him. I used to see him every few days he was so lovely and kind never pressured me to do anything I repected him so much. We would text eachother when we weren't together so I found it really odd when I heard nothing from him in two weeks, I was angry at first because I thought he just wanted to break up.

I went to his house to see what was happening and I got no answer. I went down to his mothers place and his brother answered, sat me down and told me the horrible news. He had an overdose on whatever he had taken and died in the hospital that night. His mother never liked me and thought it was best for me not to know. They had the funeral and everthing withought me!! I was devastated didn't come out of my house for two months. Fell out with friends because they never told me.

Eventually some other friends helped mr through the hard times, making sure I was okay and gradually I got better. I still do think of him but not in sadness just happy he was apart of my life and I got so many good memories from it. It has also made me HATE the sight of drugs! I wont tolerate them near me whatsoever. I know I was only young and some might say naive at that age but loosing someone even then for me was a huge deal and I will never forget that horrid feeling in my stomach as if someone shot me. He was such a big part of my life then and having that suddenly taking away from me was devastating.

starface

Kalimah wrote: »

You have me crying here. I can't believe the tragedy that some people can live with and manage to get up in the mornings and carry on for your children. My heart goes out to you and my sincere admiration.

I totally agree. You are amazing people and your partner/parent/friend would be so proud of you all!! My thoughts are with you ....