Straight guys going to gay clubs

The_Minister

I've been invited to go gay clubs before, but I've never actually gone (I'm sure I will eventually).

I heard of one of my friends being hassled in there for being straight though.

TylerIE

deirdre_dub wrote: »

I hope you aren't going to say "because I was in a gay bar". Did it ever occur to you that maybe she was bisexual, and that she was hoping that you were too?!

Are you SERIOUSLY saying that she committed a criminal act against you?!

Perhaps the clear lack of interest (demonstrated by shaking my head, looking grossly uncomfortable, stepping back) added to the fact that I had been talking with two boys who would often be described as being dressed in a "camp" manner.

Not exactly a criminal act but if I go to dance provocatively with a girl in a bar without invitation, and she says no and attempts to stop me, and I continue to insist, the security in the venue will likely get involved.

I dont go to a gay-friendly venue to get badgered by anybody - girls or guys - and certainly not girls who want to get their jollies harrassing guys who arent likely to be interested. Girls there should equally take "no" for an answer just like most people would in a typical club. And just like I would exercise caution about approaching a guy in a "straight" club, a girl in a club should perhaps be sensitive to the fact that the guy may not be interested - and guys the same with girls.

Even for guys who are only coming out/semi out having to justify a lack of interest in a girl in a gay club can be offputting. Its tough enough if your new to the scene without being forced to justify a non hetero approach.

spurious

I know I'm a bit older than most here, but I preferred it when I went to a women's (or gay) night in a club and could be sure everyone there was gay. I'm not a fan of overhearing '****ing dyke' muttered at me or my friends during a night out populated by squealing gangs of straight girls in to have a look at the gayers (cos aren't they lovely the gay fellas?)

I know crayolostereo got hopped on here, but she wouldn't be alone in her view and don't let's cod ourselves that the gay clubs are full of solidarity demonstrating straights.

Straight people in 'gay' pubs is not an issue for me so much as in general I'm deafened by the dreadful banging music and avoid them after about 9pm. Pubs are pubs.

Pembily

crayolastereo wrote: »

I know, my only argument is that like pantibar is a gay place, thats its niche market, and you'd like to assume everyone there was gay. A normal pub doesn't really have a niche market, its just a pub for everyone. I'm not saying they shouldn't be allowed to come....me personally I'd just rather if they didn't.

Its never a good idea to assume anything!!!! When I go to a club of any sort I assume everyone is over 18 and if I go home with someone I can't be done for statutory rape but that is not always true as underages get into clubs!!!!

What I hve noticed you saying is assume alot!!!! I was in a gay club last night and I assumed nothing, I was chatting to a very hot guy and thought he was straight but he was gay!!! I was chatted up by a girl and a guy in the place and neither caused offence at all and anyone who is offended by being chatted up by someone of the same sex in a gay bar should not have entered the premises as they are too narrow minded...

The only thing I assume when I go to a gay bar is that assumptions, presumptions and preconcieved ideas are left at the door!!!

deirdre_dub

lst wrote: »

Perhaps the clear lack of interest (demonstrated by shaking my head, looking grossly uncomfortable, stepping back) added to the fact that I had been talking with two boys who would often be described as being dressed in a "camp" manner.

Not exactly a criminal act but if I go to dance provocatively with a girl in a bar without invitation, and she says no and attempts to stop me, and I continue to insist, the security in the venue will likely get involved.

The issue there isn't sexual orientation - the issue is how to deal with persistent unwanted advances. We all get such advances - even from members of the gender(s) we are interested in.

Girls there should equally take "no" for an answer just like most people would in a typical club. And just like I would exercise caution about approaching a guy in a "straight" club, a girl in a club should perhaps be sensitive to the fact that the guy may not be interested - and guys the same with girls.

Sorry to burst your bubble on this one, but not everyone is as considerate as you would like them to be. There are better ways of dealing with that fact than banning straight people from gay bars.

deirdre_dub

spurious wrote: »

I know I'm a bit older than most here, but I preferred it when I went to a women's (or gay) night in a club and could be sure everyone there was gay. I'm not a fan of overhearing '****ing dyke' muttered at me or my friends during a night out populated by squealing gangs of straight girls in to have a look at the gayers (cos aren't they lovely the gay fellas?)

May I suggest bringing such comments to the attention of the staff?

I did that once with a guy who was freaking me out in Pantibar - he would just sit there staring at the trans people in the pub. I haven't seen him since.

deirdre_dub

The_Minister wrote: »

I've been invited to go gay clubs before, but I've never actually gone (I'm sure I will eventually).

I heard of one of my friends being hassled in there for being straight though.

Just as gay people shouldn't be hassled in straight bars, straight people shouldn't be hassled in gay bars, unless they are in there to cause trouble and/or just don't accept the ethos of the place.

If all that has happened is that you have heard of a friend being hassled, then consider yourself lucky. I dare say that the vast majority of people reading this have personal experience of such hassle in straight establishments.

The_Minister

deirdre_dub wrote: »

Just as gay people shouldn't be hassled in straight bars, straight people shouldn't be hassled in gay bars, unless they are in there to cause trouble and/or just don't accept the ethos of the place.

If all that has happened is that you have heard of a friend being hassled, then consider yourself lucky. I dare say that the vast majority of people reading this have personal experience of such hassle in straight establishments.

Oh, it wasn't even serious - they just called him 'breeder' a few times (that isn't even an insult if you think about it :rolleyes:) and then fecked off when he didn't rise.

TylerIE

deirdre_dub wrote: »

The issue there isn't sexual orientation - the issue is how to deal with persistent unwanted advances. We all get such advances - even from members of the gender(s) we are interested in.

True, Id think we would all hope that a gay venue would be less inclined to leading advances from members of the gender we are not interested in... Particularly if one is not so secure re their sexuality.

Sorry to burst your bubble on this one, but not everyone is as considerate as you would like them to be. There are better ways of dealing with that fact than banning straight people from gay bars.

Im well aware of how inconsiderate people are, and dont feel straight people should be banned. However I believe the one venue actively discourages/refuses straight groups or couples, particularly if drunk. And Iv been stopped at another venue 3 weeks running and asked if I knew it was a gay night...

All I would hope is that any straight person in a gay venue, isnt a guy there to look at "two b*****s scorin' ", or girls who wanna "mess with the gays on the dancefloor" or who are there to flip at the slightest advance or word from someone of a gender they are disinterested in.

deirdre_dub

lst wrote: »

True, Id think we would all hope that a gay venue would be less inclined to leading advances from members of the gender we are not interested in...

There are two different points here. One is "unwanted persistent advances" - I hope we've dealt with that one. The other is "women making any advance towards a gay man". I come back to my original question - how do you know she isn't bisexual? And, before you get to the point of giving her negative signals, how is she supposed to know you aren't bisexual? You are going to get unwanted advances from women no matter where you go - get over yourself! And, believe it or not, you are also going to get such advances from gay men!!! Advances from people we are not interested in, be it for reasons of gender or otherwise, is something that all people - straight and gay alike - have to deal with.

As a trans woman, I have to deal with unwanted advances from gay men all the time, in spite of the fact that I'm a straight woman. Listen up, guys - in spite of the fact that you are of the correct gender, I'm not interested. You are interested in the male bits between my legs, and I'm not. Those bits are eventually going to go away, because I can't hack them.

However I believe the one venue actively discourages/refuses straight groups or couples, particularly if drunk. And Iv been stopped at another venue 3 weeks running and asked if I knew it was a gay night...

Sounds like you've found your kind of venue. Of course such screening isn't going to stop straight people - that would be illegal and immoral. It would also mean that those of us lucky enough to have straight supporters and friends would never be able to go to such venues, and straight supporters and friends are just what this community needs.

All I would hope is that any straight person in a gay venue, is a guy there to look at "two b*****s scorin' ", or girls who wanna "mess with the gays on the dancefloor" or who are there to flip at the slightest advance or word from someone of a gender they are disinterested in.

There are three more issues that you've raised there.

One is voyeurism - it is something that all people have to deal with. All I can say is count yourself lucky that you are not trans!

Another is people who are there to mess with you. There comes a point in that messing where you can involve the venue staff. I would encourage you to do so.

The last is people who are there for the purposes of getting offended and presumably subsequently cause trouble. It is clear what needs to be done with such people - they need to be brought to the attention of the staff, who need to kick them out.

It's an imperfect world.

Robroyman.

Funny story

I was out for a beer one night in dublin cc, not from there so didnt know the score with the pub scene, anyway ended up in the FL, nice place, great atmosphere and all that, was at the bar getting a drink and started chatting to a guy, general chit chat, stuff, being on my own i was happy to have someone to talk too, anyway he has a girl with him and the 3 of us were chattin, i assumed they were a couple, but he kept chattin to me and being very friendly and all the rest of it, she was not sayin much just smiling..... anyway cant really rem what was said but he comes out with a line "gosh no need to be so secretive im not gonna stalk ya" ping and the light when on in my head, he was chatting me up....

Thing was i didnt realise i was in a gay friendly venue and didnt cop what was going on.

To this day i smile about it, i was actually chatted up by a guy and didnt realise it.

mrDerek

mrDerek wrote: »

Outa curiosity do gay guys get offended when straight guys go to gay bars?

Quite the opposite. I am straight and I work a lot in debates and so on for "Gay rights" on line and off line. I am also seeing 2 girls and we live together so our "life style" means we are interesting to a lot of people on "the scene".

So for the most part I find it is our gay friends who are always trying to get us to come out with them to such venues and we do go a lot. It is actually one of the few places where when strangers cop the "dynamic" in our relationship, that we do not suddenly find them turning agressive. It is a much more accepting atmosphere.

In fact I think that sums it up. Given what gay people "go through" with the attitudes of many in society, one attribute of the atmosphere when they get together is generally one of "acceptance of others" and I feel very comfortable with that and they are very comfortable with me being there.

kisaragi

I can think of one straight guy I met in a gay pub in the past three years... I wasn't aware a lot of them went! Of course sometimes I bring straight friends out too, for example if I were having my birthday party and decided to go to a gay club obviously I wouldn't tell my straight friends not to come...

I usually go to panti which probably has a much lower percentage of straight people than the other gay bars and I don't usually approach guys anyway so it's a bit of a non-issue to me. I certainly don't mind straight people being there though, as long as they're respectful.

mrDerek

ahh well i wont be goin to any gay bars for a while haha my mates that i do go there with shipped off to miami for a few months pity they are some good crack

shoegirl

deirdre_dub wrote: »

May I suggest bringing such comments to the attention of the staff?

I did that once with a guy who was freaking me out in Pantibar - he would just sit there staring at the trans people in the pub. I haven't seen him since.

I have seen at least 3 separate incidents in 3 different venues where straight guys who had arrived in (in 2 cases the venue was a "normally straight" pub where a once-off event was in progress) and proceeded to systematically harass the gay women present. The harassment varied from insisiting on sitting in the middle of a bunch of women and trying to involve himself in their conversation when they clearly had no interest, to outright cat calling etc. Admittedly 2 of those incidents were the guts of a decade ago but the 3rd incident was only about 2 years ago.

Gay women are entitled to visit a GAY venue without expecting harassment, verbal abuse or unwarranted sexual advances. The trouble is, if a large bunch of straight wans come in, too often straight guys follow and they *may* in some cases disrespect the vibe of the venue by harassing gay women.

You do have to recall, that for a tiny minority of straight men/women, camp guys and butch lesbians are still the object of vitriolic hate, and these groups do experience severe harassment of various forms. For this reason it is important to manage clubs well and protect people who might not have many other places to go.

LGiamani

I'd like to see more straight guys in gay bars. They even out a hetic atomsphere and are nice to look at. Nice to see a guy whether working on a building site or working in a office coming in with a few mates have a laugh and forget their troubles. High majority are okay and are not a nuisance