A question for birthmothers?

NGibbler

Hey all,

Has any birthmother been traced by an agency because the child you put up for adoption has been searching for you? I am trying to get an understanding of the process because my agency keep ignoring my questions? Is it true that you get a letter in the post and then the ball is in your court? is it also true that its a letter from the government or adoption board not the agency?

Any help or advise would be REALLY helpfull

Thanks in advance!!

N x

January

I'm not a birth mother but I'll give you my (or rather, my partners) experience of this.

He didn't search for his birth mother or father, it was his biological sister that was searching with him, when we attended the meeting the social worker said that she had sent letters to the birth mother on behalf of his sister and that if he wanted her to do so she would but she could only send one more letter as it would be pestering her otherwise and if she didn't respond to last letter it would be left at that, and in the future if she wanted contact she would have to contact the agency.

The letter my partner received when his sister was looking for him was just a HSE letter asking him to contact them in relation to something.

The_Conductor

This is hardly very encouraging. So- in short- its entirely possible that both parties may be searching (or one searching) and the other, through no fault of their own, not aware of whats happening.........

It really is the case that adoption- and those affected by it- are seen as low priority and have few resources assigned to them..........

Who is it who decides whose rights have precedence when conducting a search? Even this seems to be arbitrary in nature........

NGibbler

Thanks for replys

@ Adrieanna - Thanks for clearing up where the letter came from, Its so unfair i feel the way we get treated . I hope your partner is okay. I Have a sister out there too wish she could find me, as my agency wont help me find her!

@smccarrick - When i tried to search for my bm 5 years ago they( the agency) said they sent a letter, When i went back a couple of months ago the social worker i was dealing with had left so one of the nuns was taking on my case, She then asked me did i already send one i replied yea i thought so, She had absolutely no record of one being sent to my bm . She in turn said she would try and contact her and i am still waiting to find out did she even send one.....She also said its basically like 3 times would be the max they would request contact on my behalf. (they annoying thing is she said the address that they have for her might not actually be her address so where does that leave me? )


To be honest i feel that this process is an absolute discrace, people affected by adoption have absolutley no rights and the agencys in my opinion just do not care, none of the people i have dealt with seem to give me any sort of confidence in the whole journey! I hope anyone reading this has had a better journey than mine!

N x

MaryMagdalene

Realistically I can't see how very many agencies could possibly have current addresses. Think about how many times you move between leaving home and getting a mortgage? I mean how many used their family home addresses?

Lots of families didn't even know (or extended relatives) and their letters went to other addresses where ever you wanted to pretend you were in the country and were then redirected to the various homes. You then posted your reply to that address and they then posted it for you so that it would be stamped in the county you were supposed to be in.

The nuns had a whole network of addresses to use for whatever tales needed to be told. I honestly would be surprised if more than 10% of addresses used were family homes.

In my case they were fairly certain of my address and that I was open to contact as I kept in touch, updating them with medical info and current addresses.

When my daughter wanted to contact me the agency sent me a letter simply asking me to contact them.

Had I been inclined I could have ignored it. I doubt to be honest they would have bothered to contact me again. I was treated as an 'inconvenience' whenever I contacted them and they did everything they could to discourage me from keeping contact.

Don't be deterred keep pestering them.

NGibbler

hi MaryMagdalene thanks for posting,

The agency told me that they use her prsi number for last address, does this sound like a load of nonsense to you? It does to me

It seems like the nuns are against it for me and it keeps me wondering why? like do they know something i dont kinda thing.

This journey is a hard one

N x

January

NGibbler wrote: »

hi MaryMagdalene thanks for posting,

The agency told me that they use her prsi number for last address, does this sound like a load of nonsense to you? It does to me

It seems like the nuns are against it for me and it keeps me wondering why? like do they know something i dont kinda thing.

This journey is a hard one

N x

That would be right NGibbler, my partner had moved from the address his parents were living in when they adopted him to his parents new home and then moved in with me to two more addresses and they found him at our address that we were living in at the time, so I say it is linked to the PPS number.

MaryMagdalene

I would imagine but don't know that when the adopted parents (as in adrieanne__x's story) were being vetted etc then their details were probably recorded.

However, the only reason I can see for them having the natural mothers would perhaps be if she was able to sign on for unemployment benefits or the dole as it was called back then .

I was under 18 so no signing for me but there were others there that were over 18 and they were able to get the dole. This was in 1985 so I'm not sure what it would have been like prior to that or what year you were born NGibbler.

All I can say about the nun is don't take her attitude as anything personal in relation to your case. They have grown up in our world, where adoption is surrounded with secrecy tainted with huge shame and guilt. I guess in their own way some of these nuns truly believe they are protecting us from society and its prejudices. Just keep trying.

NGibbler

Thanks you for all you posts,

I was born in 1987 and my bm was 28 when she had me.

The nuns are scary ladies maybe ill put a call in this evening

xx

castie

Cant disagree more with some things being said here.

I successfully found my BM through this process.
I applied by Mail.
I was informed there was a wait time of about 6-9 months ( I was 23 so whats another 9 months ).
I was contacted when they began searching and at every stage the social worker involved tried her best to keep me realistic and about the multiple possibilities.
They traced my BM by her PPS no. that they had on file and contacted her.
My BM responded to them and the social worker arranged seperate individual meetings to see where exactly we were individually and how we felt about creating a relationship.
The Social worker then arranged a meeting in her presence at her office for us to meet when everything was sorted out and she was confident things could work out.

I was told by this woman that I was one of the most realistic people she had ever dealt with because I understood many of the reasons why my BM may not want to make contact.

As for the rights debate.
If a BM was young like mine (19) and 23 years later was married with some more kids. Theres a good chance the husband and kids would know nothing about the adoption and so they may decide against contact.
The rights are with the person being contacted as to whether to

NGibbler

Thanks for your side of the story Castie, Its nice to know that things worked out for you and you were so calm through the process . Your social worker being involved so much was great .

I do agree with you about the rights in a way, But I know the story of why I was put up for adoption so that is what is making it hard for me to understand things.

January

castie wrote: »

Cant disagree more with some things being said here.

I successfully found my BM through this process.
I applied by Mail.
I was informed there was a wait time of about 6-9 months ( I was 23 so whats another 9 months ).
I was contacted when they began searching and at every stage the social worker involved tried her best to keep me realistic and about the multiple possibilities.
They traced my BM by her PPS no. that they had on file and contacted her.
My BM responded to them and the social worker arranged seperate individual meetings to see where exactly we were individually and how we felt about creating a relationship.
The Social worker then arranged a meeting in her presence at her office for us to meet when everything was sorted out and she was confident things could work out.

I was told by this woman that I was one of the most realistic people she had ever dealt with because I understood many of the reasons why my BM may not want to make contact.

As for the rights debate.
If a BM was young like mine (19) and 23 years later was married with some more kids. Theres a good chance the husband and kids would know nothing about the adoption and so they may decide against contact.
The rights are with the person being contacted as to whether to

Castie, unfortunately you are one of the lucky ones. People (especially older adopted people) cannot access their information simply because the nuns in the convent they were adopted from won't give it to them.

I reckon it's a lot easier to get information from an agency.

The_Conductor

adrieanne__x wrote: »

Castie, unfortunately you are one of the lucky ones. People (especially older adopted people) cannot access their information simply because the nuns in the convent they were adopted from won't give it to them.

I reckon it's a lot easier to get information from an agency.

I have to agree with you.
Sr. Sarto wouldn't even tell me the time of day I was born at.......
The big issue with information from the agencies is that so much of the stuff on their files is inaccurate- either a complete work of fiction- or some misguided attempt by someone years ago to write lovely fairy stories for adopted kids- should they ever go looking for information. Its almost amusing just how inaccurate their information is, in many cases. What I always tell folk is while its nice to get info from the agency- to take it with a grain of salt until they have confirmed it elsewhere.

The inverse of this is sometimes what might seem to them to be innocuous little tidbits of information- can actually be the keys to unlocking a search for some people.

It really isn't fair that adopted people are treated like some sort of second class citizens........

NGibbler

The Search is over, Angency wont even get back to me anymore, and will not try again! I am devastated!

tyview

If the agency is claiming they have done all they can, then maybe you could try searching on your own. I read in another post that you were going to try and get your Birth Cert. Did you get a chance to go into the reseach room yet? If you haven't, then your search is far from finished. Don't lose hope. If plan A doesn't work, go to plan B!

I know all the searching is so hard especially when you hit a brick wall. I tried searching on my own and I got a lot of info but couldn't find BM's current address or marriage cert. I do have her families address though so if my trace through the HSE doesn't work I'll be going back to doing it on my own.

Mazdoll

Dont ever give up hope, it was another world when you were in one of those homes, pregnant and not knowing where or what was going to happen. We were either hiding our pregnancies or sent their under duress because we were "soiled". (not my phrase"). If our families were involved and had asked the nuns for this to be kept private it would have been. I can remember mine giving a donation to the convent when i was leaving. :mad:

I remember sitting down writing my son his letter, trying to give him answers and not even having any myself. I was surreal. The nuns thought they were doing thier best,(and i am not sticking up for them, belive me i am far from it.)

When i left dunboyne and my son was in the 6 weeks foster care, i contacted the nuns and told them i was not giving him up for adoption. I was told i would never amount to anything and i should be proud of myself as i and my child would only ever be a statistic.

Thats what you were up against, dont give up hope, keep looking, go to the records office and do your own trace.

Keep going and best of luck
Mazdoll

NGibbler

tyview wrote: »

If the agency is claiming they have done all they can, then maybe you could try searching on your own. I read in another post that you were going to try and get your Birth Cert. Did you get a chance to go into the reseach room yet? If you haven't, then your search is far from finished. Don't lose hope. If plan A doesn't work, go to plan B!

I know all the searching is so hard especially when you hit a brick wall. I tried searching on my own and I got a lot of info but couldn't find BM's current address or marriage cert. I do have her families address though so if my trace through the HSE doesn't work I'll be going back to doing it on my own.

Hey I sent you a PM did u get it?

tyview

Hey, I got yours and tried to reply about 3 times but its still not saying its gone. I'll have another go!

lyn1961

hi everyone , my names maggie , i was in dunboyne in the year of 1983. i had a daughter born in march of 83, i named her lyndsey, gosh i cant believe its now a hotel , i remember the dog . The nuns sr martha , sr cait, sr clare. does anyone remember nurse smith lol she was funny. and sr john ?? she always went wandering everywhere, i just found this board by accident .
i intend to start looking for my daughter, im lucky that i have someone that can help me , a social worker in ireland. I now live in england . i met great girls when i stayed there , would b great to know how some are g
etting on ?
my main reason for putting my name on here is incase she could b looking for information . i hope she is .
dont ever give up ur searches , i wish everyone luck . anyone remember me ps get in touch ,thanks maggie .

lyn1961

oh please dont give up . u have to keep looking , i really wish u the best of luck . wish i could help you.