Longterm relationship - no possibility of children, what to do?

LegacyUser

Hi all,
going un-reg for this as a few of the friends pop in here!
In short, I am a 32 year old female and am in a wonderful 8 year relationship with my partner. We live togther, are out to everyone, are joint godparents to a growing brood (!)and our families get on great. My relationship is something I treasure and am proud of, and like wise my partner feels the same.

I have always casually expressed my wish to have children and while we hadn't discussed it clearly or in detail, my partner has, in fairness, always said it isn't for her.
This was fine until the last year or so, but I now know for sure that I most definately want children. I am aware of my age and the limited success rates and while I don't want a family in the next 12 months, I would like to know that the option is there for me before I am 34 or 35 at the latest.

The issue arose last night and we had a great talk and my partner very calmly and gently said that she really wasn't ever going to change her mind. I respect her honesty and her decision fully.

However, it has left us in a limbo. I won't bring a child into this world on my own. I don't want a relationship with anyone else, what we have is perfect. I do however, want a family and children.

Has anyone reached this crossroads in a longterm relationship. What did you decide to do? As I say, I have no intention or want whatsoever to end / leave my relationship but this issue IS going to grow. Should I just accept my partners wishes and know that being with her means never having children? I am worried this would drive us apart at some stage. Do I plan my family on my own? I know its a matter of deciding which means more to me - my partner whom I know and adore OR a child that doesnt exist yet. Its a sad confusion..

Any opinions / advice / stories very welcome, thanks a million.

Amy2010

Can I send you pm?

Beruthiel

futurefamily wrote: »

Should I just accept my partners wishes

You have to. She has been very straight with you.

and know that being with her means never having children?

It is your choice to be with her.

I am worried this would drive us apart at some stage.

For many people, who do desperately want to have children, this is what happens. Be they gay or straight.

Do I plan my family on my own?

Only you can make that decision.

I know its a matter of deciding which means more to me - my partner whom I know and adore OR a child that doesnt exist yet.

That's it in a nutshell I'm afraid.

I recall telling my partner at the beginning of our relationship that I had no intention of ever having any children with him and if he wanted them, I was not the one for him.
There would never have been a way for him to change my mind on that.
You have to understand that you cannot change someone's mind if they are adamant. Nor should you try.

LegacyUser

OP here..
Yep, thats about it alright. There's no one to blame and I completely and utterly respect her decision about it. She has never said otherwise and wouldn't dream of trying to change her mind and most certainly wouldn't bring a child that isn't 100% wanted by both of us.

Oh hum, plenty to think about but no major pressure as of yet. I certainly don't want a future that's without her in it. Relationships are about give and take, so maybe this is what I have to forego in order to keep my relationship. Ooooooh them pesky ovaries! I guess my present worry is that this is an issue that could, potentially, have serious repercussions in time for us (me). I would hate to have regrets on both sides of the coin, but sometimes thats what life brings I guess.

On a serious note, thanks to all for advice, all other comments or stories of smiliar are appreciated.

Pudding11

Ultimately you cant change someones mind if they are that firm on it. Its good that you are both able to sit and have a reasonable and rational conversation about it but its a shame your views differ so much. Im on the other side of the fence on this one. I have been with my partner almost 9 years and I have said from the beginning that I never want children. Its something Ive known since I was old enough to know about children and where they come from etc! :-) I have nieces and nephews who I adore but I am perfectly happy having pets and not kids. My partner has much the same view but not as strongly as me. Whereas I can say with certaintly I absolutely never want children, she says she wouldnt mind either way. I always worry that someday she will realise she does want them and we will end up in this situation but so far it hasnt happened.
Its not an easy decision Im sure. As the end of the day you have to decide whether you are happy to spend the rest of your life with this person knowing that they wont change their mind. Knowing that there will be nieces/newphews/god children etc in your lives, will that be enough?
I hope whatever happens, you both end up happy!

futurefamily

futurefamily wrote: »

I don't want a relationship with anyone else, what we have is perfect.

No it is not, and that is the problem here.

Whether you are gay, straight, or in a polygamous relationship does not matter. The one thing we all have in common is that there is a list of things we want from our “ideal” relationship and the trick in life is to find the partner(s) that can fulfil that list. Most of the things on most of our lists are not even that selfish or presumptuous. Most of us want the same similar things. Security, honesty and a family are mine for example.

The problem here is that one of the things on that list that you want for your relationship is something that the current partner will not provide. Therefore what you have is NOT perfect. Something has to change or this relationship will not work in the long term, or even if it does you will look back on it and regret it.

Whatever happens in my relationship with the girls, the one thing I hope more than anything else is that they NEVER regret it when it is too late. I would rather go through anything else but that. Id prefer to find them both cheating on me tomorrow, then to find out in 40 years they regretted their life with me. Would you want to cut someone you love that deep 40 years from now?

Relationships of course always require compromise, do not get me wrong. We will never find the perfect partner to fit every single one of our desires and wishes. But there is a core list that is what makes us who we are, and above all you have to stay true to yourself because if you do not, the person you are giving to your partner is a person built on a lie and not the real you, and if you DO love someone, that is not what they deserve either, no matter how much they think they want to be with you.

She needs to change, you need to change, or the relationship needs to end. Staying the way it is now will only hurt and go wrong, and you know this when you said “this issue IS going to grow.” The only question is which will happen first, will it grow enough to make you make your move before, or after, it is all too late for you to have children.

As I say, she needs to change, you need to change, or the relationship needs to end.NONE of these three things will be easy, and my heart goes out to you whichever one it is.

Chuchoter

Thats so difficult, (actually I know this is completely irrelevant but the exact same situation was on Greys Anatomy recently :P). If I was in your situation, you have to ask why are you the one who has to change and give up something and she isn't making an effort to entertain the thought of kids? If you really want kids you're going to end up resenting her, I know I would if I was you. I mean you're only 32, you don't want to be writing off this whole part of your life for this one person, even if you do really love her and have been with her so long.

Pudding11

I dont think they havent made an effort to entertain the thought of kids. From the sounds of it, this is a conversation they have had together in detail but at the end of the day, their partner knows what they want and dont want. It sounds like they made their intentions on that one clear from the beginning. You wouldnt want someone to resent a child they didnt want either. As taxAHcruel said, you have three options, you change your mind, they change theirs, or the relationship will have to end as it obviously isnt meant to be.
Its a sucky situation to be in and any decision is going to be hard.

Heebie

I you've found that you have a NEED for children, and she has a NEED not to have children.. that puts you at an impasse that will poison your relationship eventually.

If you find you WANT children.. that makes it negotiable. If she only DOESN'T WANT children.. then that's still negotiable. You should make sure you discuss it.

If you find that you NEED children.. then what you have with her is not "perfect" for you.. even though it may be wonderful.

You have to figure out:

If you want children.. or NEED them.

If your partner absolutely refuses to have children around, or just doesn't WANT them.

If you NEED, and she is vehemently opposed.. you'll eventually split over it, or both be miserable.. you because a basic need is going unfulfilled, and her because she's causing that need to go unfulfilled.

If the relationship with your partner is more important to you than your desire for children.. then the two of you could spoil the hell out of your Godchildren, nephews, nieces, and kids of your friends & other relations that you borrow from time-to-time.

I wish you luck working it out.

futurefamily wrote: »

The issue arose last night and we had a great talk and my partner very calmly and gently said that she really wasn't ever going to change her mind. I respect her honesty and her decision fully.

However, it has left us in a limbo. I won't bring a child into this world on my own. I don't want a relationship with anyone else, what we have is perfect. I do however, want a family and children.