His pals sister 'wrecks his head'..!!!

LegacyUser

I have gotten myself into a bit of a situation with a friend of mine.

Our children are in the same class and have been pals since junior infants. They're 10 now. Over the years, myself and my husband and his parents have become great friends too.

So the whole playdate thing began when they lads were about 6. They take my fella and I take their. We've babysat for each other/sleepovers etc. However, at the start of this she also had a baby girl (who's now 6). As this little one got older, I took her to my house on the playdates, to give my friend a break from both kids.

Now I don't know how to say this without sounding like a horrible person, but this 6yr old is a brat. My son can't stand having her around. She seems to moan or whine constantly (even in her own home), cries, wants everything, is never happy until she gets what she wants etc. I won't go on about her, but I have to say I can completely understand why my son doesn't want her around. However, it's like we either get none of them, or both of them. When I suggest the lad comes over, it's assumed I mean both of them because that's the way it's been for years. But it's gotten to the point where my son would rather not see his best pal, if she's going to come too. He has even asked me recently not to ask them to mind him/have sleepovers there because this 6yr old 'wrecks his head'.

My friend commented to me recently that I'm the only friend of hers who will mind her daughter because she's such a 'handful'....she started school last year, but has made no friends there really and I was hopeful that once school began, she might begin to have her own, seperate playdates.

Its a difficult one for me because the mum and I are great friends and I just don't know what to do. It's the summer holidays now my son is already asking when his pal can come over (or when he can see him) but without the girl.....and my friend has a weekend away at the end of the month and I'm waiting to be asked to mind them...

What would u do? How could you delicately tell your friend 'I'll mind your son, but not your daughter....'?

enniscorthy

hi mate thats a tough one, had similar problem a good few years back at this stage....... when some of my lot were around that age

is the mother aware that the child is a misfit

if so just say you are absolutely knackered and the older child is no bother butyou wouldnt have the energy for the younger



could work

lynski

can you use their ages as an excuse? say your lad is 10 and wants a bit more freedom then you can give them when the little girl is there? perhaps even say that your litle fella wants time alone with his pal and of course youll take the girl next time?

LegacyUser

Thanks for replying - I was begining to think I really am an awful mother for even thinking this way about another child.

I've tried the subtle hints - 'don't know how you cope with two...etc'. They don't seem to work at all. My pal just says 'I know..'/

The girl wants to go with her brother everywhere - I know he hates having her around too, but she has a fit if she's not allowed go places with him, so the mam just caves

They were here yesterday for a few hours while their mam was at the shop - I'd say she was here all of 4 minutes before she started crying and demanding it was her turn on ps etc. The lads went out for a while on their scooter yokes...she must have come back in 20 times crying saying they wouldn't give her a shot...It's a bit more than normal behaviour to be honest - I understand that she gets jealous with the lads doing stuff, but the constant crying at 6.....are all girls like this?
I was going mad.

Khannie

Unregistered wrote: »

I was begining to think I really am an awful mother for even thinking this way about another child.

Eh...not in the slightest. She sounds like a total brat!

How Strange

TBH it's a bit unfair of the mother to lump the two of them together. There is a big difference in ages and the fact that they are boy and girl means their playing together isn't really compatible.

Maybe the next time your son wants his friend to come over for a sleepover say it to the mam that you think it would be better for the boys if it were just them as you've noticed that they like it when it's just the two of them. The mother has to see this herself so she is probably choosing to ignore it for a quieter life. It's really not right to have the sister tagging along all the time. Of course if the mother is going away for a weekend you might offer to take both but they are at ages now where they need their independence from each other.

foxy06

How about organising a boys day out? Say to your friend you were wondering if you could take the son for a few hours as your son wants to do a boys only activity (cant think of many off the top of my head but maybe quasar or something?) You could make it sound like you would like to take the daughter but your son wants to do something just for the boys. You could maybe phase out the daughter visits then by doing these more and more often. Not nice situation to be in though. Don't envy you.

LegacyUser

I've tried all of the above, but thanks for suggestions. Even on the ps, they play boys games etc - they play soccer on the road...

'The mother has to see this herself so she is probably choosing to ignore it for a quieter life.'

That's it in a nutshell. The girl has no other friends (outside school etc), so she has no one who takes her to their house etc, the way I do with the older brother. I have also tried a 'boys day out' where we went to eddie rockets and quazar...
The mam was to drop himself up to me, and there she was, in the back of the car, screaming hysterically because she wasn't allowed to go....so, foolishly, I said 'Ah sure I'll bring her....'

deisemum

Her mother is the root cause of the problem, she's doing her daughter no favours by letting her call the shots and she's made a rod for her own back. Her daughter is only carrying on like a spoilt brat because she's let away with it and sure why wouldn't she continue doing it if it's what gets the result she wants. Her mother is enabling that sort of behaviour.

I can see why other parents wouldn't want someone that's that spoilt round to visit.

If that young one continues manipulating her mother and kicking up a fuss to get her own way then she's going to go through childhood without any friends. People get sick of bratty children pretty quickly.

You'll just have to stand your ground and say no it doesn't suit this time. Also when she's in your house do not give in to her demands, don't let her have her way. Just say your house your rules and if she continues give her one warning that you'll phone her mum and tell her to come and collect her but whatever you do make sure to follow through.

mockler007

its your friend, stop beating round the bush, tell her the truth,
that you can't cope with her, you dont need that brat behaviour at all.
if she is your mate you need to be honest, its how i am with mine, if she dont like it shes not your friend. if her other friends can say no to her you can, simple

LegacyUser

Have to disagree about it being simple, telling my friend I don't like her daughter, and don't want her around at my house.....I think that's a very difficult thing to say to any person, whether they're your friend or not.

Funny enough, my fella seems to have copped onto this himself - he suggested we get his pal over yesterday evening, for a game of football then said 'Ah, she'll be with him, sure I'll just knock for Paul (another pal) instead....'
It didn't seem to phase him - they are good mates, but I think he's copped that he doesn't get his pal without the sister. I thought this would upset him...but he's obviously getting sick of the situation himself!

Now how to deal with the weekend away situation...she genuinely doesn't have anyone to mind the daughter....
My friend is very good to me about minding my son - it's never a problem....

mockler007

the best thing to do is to just say it out, tipping around it is worse,
i had to do it a year ago, and i just said it to them,
It was like this, i can't have a child who can't behave in the house, and until she gets sorted, they knew, and that made them take action,
you will be forever be beating artound the bush over this unless you say sumthing about it , and thats a fact! the truth hurts:)
sit them both down you and your fella and hers and have a talk, they will respect you, even say you will help them, this keeps the friendship intact
remember dont say words like you dont like her daughter,
use words like you are finding it very difficult, you need order and rules followed in your house
or the easy option, just get new friends

StormWarrior

Saying "I don't know how you manage two of them" is not a hint. If someone said that to me I'd think they were just making conversation, not trying to drop hints. You will just have to bite the bullet and say that what with your work schedule (or something similar) as well as the kids, you are just getting really worn out, and don't have the energy to look after all three kids. Say you can manage the two boys as they amuse themselves with each other, so having them both is no different to having just yours, but having a third who cannot fit in with their activities because she is so much younger and of such a different temperament is just too much now as she needs alot more attention.

Just because you have each others boys over, I don't see why that means you should babysit the girl as well. Sounds like the mum is taking the p*ss and just using you as an unpaid babysitter. When you have told her the above, if she pushes the issue, just tell her that the girl isn't well behaved and you simply cannot cope with her any more. If the mum is rude enough to push you into looking after her, I don't see why you shouldn't just tell her that the girl is too much to handle.

Also tell her that the boy needs a break from his sister once in a while, no older sibling would want to spend all of their free time with one so much younger, it's not fair on him.

As for the weekend away, even though she sometimes takes your son, it just isn't your problem or responsibility. If she can't find a babysitter she just can't go away, or else she'll have to take the girl. Tough, it's life!

astra2000

Hi in regard to the above advice you have got to ask yourself if you want to risk losing your friend over you say she is very good to you so I presume you help each other out which is what good friends do you sound like a generous person and so does your friend and it sounds like ye are very close so I presume you want to handle this gently. Regarding the weekend away if this is something ye do for each other then you should explain this to your son and go ahead if you are asked ,I dont want to be offensive but it may be good for your son who is an only child to learn to make allowances for others in his home does he refuse to go to your friends house knowing the little girl will be there kids need to empathise with others maybe you can appeal to his good nature by explaining that the little girl has no friends and that sometimes not all the time it would be nice to include her . I would start by arranging a day out for the boys and explain that you will do something later in the month with all three, make the first day a boys only day maybe your sons dad could be the one to accompany the boys. Whan you have the little girl over set a few ground rules for her as soon as she comes let her know what is and isnt acceptable and that you are in charge not her or the boys you will make the desisions and crying or throwing tantrums will not change that. you may find that after a wile of not getting her own way in your house she wont want to come. I would go slow and make every second visit a boys only one rather than stopping it completely then in a couple of months you could reduce it further. The girl is only 6 she sounds a bit spoilt but hopefuly as she gets older she will make her own friends. Best of luck

we'llallhavetea_old

hey op, god, what a nightmare. the only thing i can suggest that hasn't been suggested (i think) is that the next time the girl is over and throws a hissy fit, tell her she has three strikes and she's going home. alone

actually go through with it. if that were my child i would completely understand and genuinely be grateful that you didn't let her behave in such a manner.

her parents know she's a handful, a nudge like that could be a relief tbh.

Loopy

She's sounds like a little wagon - god bless you for taking her at all. But, as someone said its down to the mother.

My 4 yr old had become extremely petulant over the last while and was driving me nuts. Now, everytime she whinges or moans about stuff she's put in her room. It's gradually coming to a head now, as soon as it starts up I go to put her upstairs and she smiles and says 'it's ok mam, I'm not gonna cry' and off she skips, as a half hr in her room is soooooo boring!

Anyhow, that dosen't resolve your problem - I would try talk to the mother and explain how its affecting the boys, you really just have to be honest in this situation as gently as you can.

LegacyUser

Thanks alot for all replies = its really helping getting other peoples perspective on this, it really is. I honestly thought for a while there, that I was just being an awful mother.
I've broached the subject with my friend - and whoever said i don't want to lose this friendship, is absolutely right (she's a wonderful friend). I asked how she managed the little one because I found her a handful etc. She agreed that she's a very difficult child but that she's hoping she'll grow out of it. I casually mentioned that I didnt think Id be able for her for a whole weekend, just in case she was thinking of asking me. She said she has the sleepovers sorted for her (a family member) but that she was hoping I could take her during the daytime as (and I quote) 'The only time she's happy is when she's with her brother....'
I just nodded but I was going a bit mad on the inside.
God forgive me, but I really don't like this child. Is it awful to really not like a child, even when you're a mother yourself???
She is so rude (to her mam in particular), mean, cheeky, surly and just a constant moan - I spent a few hours in her company today and I wanted to slaughter her. My son, in the car on the way home said he'd rather not meet up with them again if 'she' is there and could I please stop making him...I'm at a loss!!

Nevyn

Your house your rules if you are minding her then don't let her away with behaviour which you would not let your children away with. If she doesn't like it then she will soon be asking to stay at home.

we'llallhavetea_old

unregistered wrote: »

God forgive me, but I really don't like this child. Is it awful to really not like a child, even when you're a mother yourself???

no of course it's not awful! i adore my daughter but there's other kids that annoy the face off me. you're not a bad person, some kids are annoying/bold.

well, thats what i think, maybe we're both terrible! :pac:

Shelli2

Thaedydal wrote: »

Your house your rules if you are minding her then don't let her away with behaviour which you would not let your children away with. If she doesn't like it then she will soon be asking to stay at home.

I was just about to suggest this. Don't let her away with any crap. It'll go one of two ways, she'll behave herself and dtop whinging (at least around you) or she'll tell her mother she doesn't want to go to you anymore....win/win!

spurious

Absolutely. We all knew as kids which granny's house you could leap on the sofa at and which one you sat and stayed quiet in. Kids will do what they are let away with.

AudreyLOL

OP, it seems to me that you are a really nice person that does not like confrontation - and therefore its so hard for you to say what you need to this woman.
She is your dear friend, so I understand you don't want to hurt her, but I honestly believe she is taking advantage of you (maybe uncosciously, but she is). It is not your place to have to put up with her daughter and educate her, that's HER business. And she cannot use the brother as an excuse for her getting sleepovers at your place.

However I think the bigger issue here is your son's loss of interest in this relationship and how the little brat is affecting that. This is definitely something that you HAVE to address with your friend.

If you tell her how both guys like to do stuff on their own and how the sisters behaviour is affecting your sons feelings towards his friend, I'm sure your friend will want to do anything to help them stay friends. (Well, say this stuff tactfully, but do say it all, or she won't get the message!). She has to understand that the boys have to spend time on their own.

I don't think making your son having to put up with a little demon is going to make him a better kid. On the other hand the girl has to understand that SHE has to change to be able to get friends - why do you think she likes to spend so much time with her brother?????!!! Coz she doesn't have friends and anybody else is willing to put up with her! She is the one in the wrong here and the one that needs to learn social skills, not your son.

Obviously, if your friend needs you to mind both kids sometime, you do it - but that is not a sleepover, that is you minding them for her as a favour. Then when the girl is at your house you should try not to make her life easier, so if she doesn't get what she wants she won't enjoy being at your house and maybe eventually will not want to come over....

wolfpawnat

astra2000 wrote: »

Regarding the weekend away if this is something ye do for each other then you should explain this to your son and go ahead if you are asked ,I dont want to be offensive but it may be good for your son who is an only child to learn to make allowances for others in his home does he refuse to go to your friends house knowing the little girl will be there kids need to empathise with others maybe you can appeal to his good nature by explaining that the little girl has no friends and that sometimes not all the time it would be nice to include her .

Astra, she is in his home a lot, it is not like it is a once off here. Why should he have to deal with her EVERY time he want to see his friend. He is making allowances. I think for a 10yo it says a lot about him that he hasn't in any way tried to give her a good smack (more than a handful of adults would have by now) for making his home a living hell when she is there. I had to bring my sis everywhere with me as a kid, I wanted space and freedom and I know my friends didnt want her around.

It is her own fault she has no friends, actually it is only half her fault, the other half is her mothers for allowing her behaviour to escalate to this level. My son throws tantrums and as long as he is in no danger of hurting himself or others they are COMPLETELY ignored, and then when he behaves again he gets loads of encouragement and even the occasional chocolate button or biscuit, hence his tantrums are small and infrequent.

OP, you and your son deserve some sort of patience award for putting up with such a pre-Madonna. I couldn't have done it, and it shames me to say it. I know she is your friend, but you, your son and her brother deserve a bit of peace when in each others company. I would suggest telling the mum that there are new rules in place in your home regarding other peoples children, if they are not well behaved they are sent home. The child will call your bluff and if you stick to your guns she will get the land of her life, tell her mum to collect her and you will drop her son off later. You will actually start the ball rolling for the mum. I have given out to my friends children when their parents are not present for extreme bad behaviour and they respect my company in front of their parents and without them there.

Your home is yours, show this little witch that you are not going to take her behaviour!!!!

astra2000

Hi wolfpawnat I agree with you complety he should not have to put up with her every time he wants to see his friend and the rest of my post goes on to suggest ways of pulling back from having her from been with the boys. OP stop worrying that you are a terrible person not to like this girl every body knows a kid who just gets on their nerves and it sounds from your last post you have good reason.

Sangre

It ridiculous that a child can only go for sleepovers with his 6 year old sister. I would try and mention this to the mother that the two boys want some freedom.

Zen65

we'llallhavetea wrote: »

hey op, god, what a nightmare. the only thing i can suggest that hasn't been suggested (i think) is that the next time the girl is over and throws a hissy fit, tell her she has three strikes and she's going home. alone

actually go through with it. if that were my child i would completely understand and genuinely be grateful that you didn't let her behave in such a manner.

This is good advice. It's important not to reward bad behaviour. Agree with your friend beforehand that you're going to do this, but you must follow through.

I've always treated my kids this way: two warnings and then consequences. I find this works very well, and I've even done it with nephews & nieces that I was minding. In the longer term kids actually appreciate it.

Remember this little girl will grow up very suddenly, and it would be a pity to let her few difficult years spoil your friendship with her mother. If you both agree on how to handle her tantrums then it will strengthen your own friendship.

Be at peace,

Z

tscul32

you could try organising for the boys to do an activity that she's too young for. At 10 there are plenty of things they could do that 6 year olds are too young for.

lynski

I have a 3.5 yr old son who is lively and boisterous - a proper boy some people might say, including me. He can be a handful, but he is not rude or naughty.
I have 2 friends who have sons a little older then him and when they get together it is loud and lively. both mothers have told me they would not take my son again as they find him too much. I took it as it was meant, no malice just he is too much for them.
I have 3 other friends who have no problem with taking him for an hour or 2, 1 who actually enjoys him because he brings her lo out of herself.
All families are different and their tolerance levels are different, and children react differently in different environments.
Have a heart to heart with her - you owe to her as well as your son.

deisemum

OP any update?

ectoraige

It seems to me there is a lot of appeasement going on. The friend is appeasing her daughter, and so the daughter feels she can do what suits her. The OP is appeasing her friend, and so her friend feels she can do what suits her. Taking the easy way out helps nobody in the long run.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here.

I'm useless at confrontation so like I said previously, I casually mentioned that I didn't think I'd be able for the daughter at the weekend. My friend ended up bringing both her children with her and the hubby on the weekend! Turns out one of the 'sleepovers' backed out altogether, saying she couldn't manage the girl!!!!!
My pal told me this and I knew she was just waiting for me to say I'd take them, but I didn't! So they all went off together!

My son and the older boy are in summer camp together at the start of august so the daughter won't be there - my son has no interest in seeing the boy before then, so I'll happily go along with him! Thanks again for all input, really appreciated!