House mate and Domestic Violence

LegacyUser

I recently rented a room in a house. It's one of those places where you rent directly from the landlord, so you don't 'pick' the roommates, or know anyone ahead of time.

Recently we got a new house mate. She seems like a very nice girl but is joined at the hip with her boyfriend, and something struck me as a bit off about him. However, I travel a lot for work, and I'm not around much, so I don't really know either one of them very well.

Well, last week, apparently they got in a huge fight. Somehow I didn't heard a thing (my room is not on the same floor and I was knocked out on cold medication), but one of my other house mates asked me the next day if I had heard yelling and crying that night, so clearly there was some kind of ruckus in the house.

The next morning, she appeared at my door shaking, and told me that they had gotten into an argument, and that he physically attacked her and threatened to kill her. She had a few visible cuts and bruises. She went on to tell me that this was not the first time he had put his hands on her (and apparently this is the second time the police have been involved), but since he and his family have a history of serious violence, she was afraid to press charges. In addition, since she just moved here and doesn't know a soul, she doesn't really have anyone to talk to (which is how she ended up at my door). We ended up talking for a few hours (well, I listened), and then I invited her to dinner and listened some more. The following day, she went home, which I thought was a good idea.

Well, she came back last night, and I heard her up crying at 3am. The next morning I heard her leaving, looked out, and saw...the boyfriend.

I don't know if this means they are back together, or just talking.

At this point, I'm not sure what to do. Unfortunately, I've had friends involved in domestic violence situations before, but they were people I've known for years, not weeks. I tried to emphasize that she shouldn't blame herself, and that she shouldn't feel embarrassed (she kept apologizing about the noise, which is the least of her problems). That said, if what she said about his history of violence is true, I'm not comfortable with him in the house - and definitely not with him having a set of keys (which I think she took away, but I'm not sure). I'm also not sure of what to say to my other house mates - the one who heard all of the arguing and crying knows something is up, but I don't really want to tell all of her personal business.

Thoughts?

trio

Well firstly you need to consult with your other housemates on this.

I understand you don't want to bring her personal business out in the open but this guy is being violent in your home. It's not on.

They may feel uncomfortable with him in the house too - or they may not care. Either way, it's not just your house and your sole responsibility. This has to be communal.

If the rest of you decide that you're not comfortable with him in the house, then if he's there again you could tell him that based on the fighting that was overheard you'd rather not have that sort of disruption in your house.

Regarding your roommate. There's not a whole lot you can do besides listen and be a friend. But you travel a lot, and you don't know her well.

ETA: Others can confirm this for me, but I'm presuming that next time one of you overhear a violent quarrel in your own home you'd be entitled to call the guards?

Miss Fluff

You need to call a house meeting asap and dicuss what you all agree on as the best course of action. Do not confront him directly. It's intolerable that some wanker is coming in to your home and being violent and causing disruption. How dare he. Agree with above poster than you should consider calling the guards if it happens again.

Zen65

no name please wrote: »

Well, she came back last night, and I heard her up crying at 3am. The next morning I heard her leaving, looked out, and saw...the boyfriend.

I don't know if this means they are back together, or just talking.

I think you can take it they are back together again. They will keep getting back together again until she realizes that she needs to end the relationship, and finds the strength to do that. He is preying on her.

no name please wrote: »

That said, if what she said about his history of violence is true, I'm not comfortable with him in the house - and definitely not with him having a set of keys (which I think she took away, but I'm not sure).

I would be confident that he has keys. If she ever took them from him, she has given them back. She will not admit this to you; she is ashamed of her weakness.

I strongly suggest talking to the landlord about having the lock changed. It's a very simple task, but ideally it should be changed for a high-security lock where the key cannot be copied (this is more expensive) otherwise she will just cut another copy for him. He will insist on it because he is controlling by nature and does not want her to have any safe haven from her.

Of course I may be completely wrong, I am speculating based on so little information. But she has taken him back after needing the Gardai to resolve a row (more than once?), so she is not a strong person. In a conflict situation with you or any other housemate, she would take the bf's side.


This situation needs to be resolved soon for everyone's safety. I agree you should not engage with this man directly yourself. Talk to the other housemates, take a firm line on this and get him out of that house. You cannot take on the responsibility for their relationship, but you must take responsibility for your own safety.


Be at peace,


Z

MysticalSoul

I rented a house similar to this years ago. There was a couple living in the house, along with other housemates. A few times I thought I heard noise coming from their room, but thought it was perhaps music or a radio or something (this always seemed to happen when I was hoovering). Anyway, one night we woke up (myself and a few other housemates), and heard what sounded like her being choked. We rang the guards, the guards came out, when she was asked if she was ok, she said she was. Anyway, once the landlord heard this he gave them their notice, as his attitude was once the guards are involved, the normal notice period does not apply. It was scary, but other than telling her you are there for her, don't think there is much else you can do.

Big Bag of Chips

Zen65 wrote: »

I strongly suggest talking to the landlord about having the lock changed. It's a very simple task, but ideally it should be changed for a high-security lock where the key cannot be copied (this is more expensive) otherwise she will just cut another copy for him.

I don't really think this is practical, and possibly not an expense the landlord is willing to undertake, because of a domestic situation with one of his tenants. He is more likely to ask her to leave.

If the key cannot be copied, how does that work if there are more than 2 people living the house who need a key. I'd assume the lock would only come with 2 keys.. 2 keys, that can't be copied?

OP, being realistic, other than being there to listen to her, and possbily encouraging her to leave him, there's nothing you can ACTUALLY do. She needs to do things for herself, but obviously hasn't the courage to at the minute.

Be there, listen to her. Possibly if you hear something going on, a rest of you could go and knock on the door, ask is everything is alright.. If he's a violent person, he's a violent person, you're not going to change him. She's not going to change him. She's the one that needs to change.. but for now, she can't.


EDIT: There is 1 thing you can do for her.. give her the number for Women's Aid. Tell her she can ring them, talk to them. She doesn't have to do anything, but at least she can talk to someone who will know what she's talking about. 1800 341 900