Depressed again

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Not sure why I am posting, if I am looking for advice or just venting my frustrations! Anyway, I am a 31 yo male, married with children. I am feeling very depressed today, was fine yesterday but the second I got out of bed this morning, I knew something wasn't right. I have problems building up for some time now.

My wife's sex drive has gone down the swanny. Have no idea why. We could go months without sex and it would not bother her one bit. We have fought about it, talked about it but nothing changes. I thought it may have been because she didn't find me attractive anymore so I lost over 2 stone but it's still the same. I have suggested counselling but she is not keen on the idea. Have no idea what to do next!

Other problem is my depression. I get depressed for a few weeks at a time at least 3 times a year. I think it is because of a lack of social activities that bring it on? I have had a social anxiety problem for years now and it aint getting any better! My wife goes out with her friends every few weeks and although I would have loved to tag along, she told me on a few occasions that I would be left out or feel out of place even though her friends fellas would often go out too. She had said that they will organise a night out soon but I don't really want to go now as I feel she does not want me around her friends. I did suggest that the two of us go out somewhere quiet for a few drinks to just chat and relax and she replied with "cant we do that at home". I don't have friends of my own so I was always relying on my wife to go anywhere but we haven't been out in about 5 or more years.

I can't see what I have to look forward to which really gets me down. It's hard to know if my wife want me to come out with her now because she would enjoy my company or is it just out of pity? I have an awful urge to drink at the moment but from past experience, I don't think it will help to sit home all day drinking? Thanks for reading and any advice welcome.

LegacyUser

I dont think its very healthy not to have any friends of your own. What is stopping you from joining a club or something?
You really need to sit down and talk to your wife about her lack of sexdrive its not fair on you. The least she could do is consider counselling or maybe she could talk to her gp about it.
With regards to you going out with her and her friends she probably does genuinely think you might be bored or feel left out. Next time maybe you could suggest she tells some of her friends to bring their OHs along and therefore you wouldn't be the only male.
I definitely think you should find a club or hobby that would introduce you to more people instead of sitting at home drinking alone which is not the answer to any of your problems it might just create more!

WellyJ

I think you really need to bring these issues up with your wife. It seems like she doesn't look at you the same way she did in the past, as harsh as that sounds.

You need to ask her why.

Ickle Magoo

You need to sit your wife down and explain how serious the issues are and that just bobbing along with the status quo is not an option, she has to get to the bottom of why her sex drive is dwindling, it's not fair to impose celibacy on a partner.

Why do you have to go out with your wife's friends? Do you have any friends of your own? Join a club or do something that interests you and make some friends of your own, it shouldn't be up to your wife as to whether you get a social life or not.

Best of luck.

AngryBadger

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You need to sit your wife down and explain how serious the issues are and that just bobbing along with the status quo is not an option, she has to get to the bottom of why her sex drive is dwindling, it's not fair to impose celibacy on a partner.

Have to agree with this OP, a marriage is meant to be give AND take, it sounds like your wife is mostly about the TAKE. You need to let her know you're not happy with this at all.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Why do you have to go out with your wife's friends? Do you have any friends of your own? Join a club or do something that interests you and make some friends of your own, it shouldn't be up to your wife as to whether you get a social life or not.

Right on the money again. Most of us will suffer sub-clinical depression when we feel we have nothing to work toward, or nothing to look forward to. If you managed to lose 2 stone I assume you were exercising a fair bit? Could that be an interest you'd pursue? If not that then something else, get on google and start searching for clubs/groups in your locality. Sod it, have a look through the other forums on Boards here, there's loads of them, bound to be one for you, or someone that can point you in the right direction.

Last thing I'd say is that if this depression is a regular thing I'd suggest talking to someone about it, as in your GP, or a medical professional of some kind.

That said, in the situation you describe I imagine most people would feel depressed every couple of months at least. I think the root of most of these problems is the difficulties you're experiencing with your wife.

up for anything

I'm not sure I agree with Angry Badger about the root of your problems stemming from the difficulties with your wife. The way you mentioned your bouts of depression it sounds like a long term thing to me and also that you seem to have had a drink problem in the past. You also sound like you have an unhealthy dependency on her, losing weight to try and attract her and wanting to go out with her because you don't have friends of your own.

I would connect her dwindling sex drive with this. I would agree with the others and urge you to join some sort of club or social activity, especially one that the two of you could do together. I know in these times a babysitter's wage can blow the budget but maybe you could organise a family member to sit with the kids.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

I have spoken to my wife about her sex drive and she refuses to go to GP or counselling! She has said that she will try to revive it by becoming more sexually active with me. Not so sure where that will lead as I have heard that many times before. It might pick up for a while but usually it is short lived and she slips back into her normal routine. I have told her that if it cannot be fixed then I will be leaving. Is this OTT. Should the sexual side of the relationship play such a big part?

As for going out, I think I will ask my brother to come out some night for a few drinks. Even though my wife is almost begging for me to come with her now, I just can't. Don't want to be a charity case. I fell as though there is too much pressure to be around her on a night out. Last year when she was heading out, I thought it would be great if I could get out of the house and come along but my anxiety was a problem. Anyway after an hour of building up the courage, I thought I would ask her but she asked me first if I wanted to come with her. So I said yes, hopped in the shower and afterwards while I was getting changed, she asked me if I was sure I wanted to go out. I said yes. She then told me that I would probably feel left out and wouldn't like it. she also told me about how busy it would be. It is crushing to build up to confidence to do something you fear so much and have someone play on your fears to prevent you from doing it. This still upsets me and makes me cross.

I have been very patient with my wife for years about her sex drive and would do absolutely anything to help her fix it. It would be nice if she would do the same for my problem.

If our relationship doesn't improve then I see no choice but to leave. I can't continue with these bouts of depression. I have thought about suicide in the past while depressed. Nothing is worth that.

lolo62

It sounds like you have a lot of integrity and a sense of responsibility towards your role as husband. If you've suggested outside help and your wife is fobbing it off with a familiar excuse then it very well could be her behaviour is contributing to your feeling low. If she isn't willing to look at the problem (and if you feel there is a problem then there is one!) then maybe you need to take it by yourself.

Maybe you could try looking at just you and how you feel....if not just for you then for the sake of the marriage. Would you consider therapy...like just go on your own and see how it feels?

If you have a anxiety around social situations it could be that your wife is (even if only subconsciously) exploiting that and maintaining a position of power. People do these things to eachother...even the ones that are supposed to love you the most!

I hope that helps

mob555

If there are sexual problems in a relationship then it will cause the over all relationship to suffer!

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

If she refuses to get help then I'm not sure what else you can do. She's acknowledging you are neither satisfied nor pleased with the status quo and she doesn't want to do anything to rectify it. Does she really know you are at breaking point? Does she know how much damage she is doing and that you are considering leaving because of it?

I would talk with her again and make it absolutely clear that this is a deal breaker and that carrying on is just not an option. I would second attending counselling on your own as well, if you have low self esteem having a wife that doesn't want to be intimate won't help matters and a third party may help you see your relationship more clearly.

In the mean-time, make friends, go out on your own, even go to visit the museum or to the cinema; get out and about on your own so you feel less dependant and resentful and your wife feels less responsible and wields less power with regards to deciding what social life you can have. Join up for a course or class and get your own interests, what about a local five-aside team or sunday morning football game? The exercise would be excellent for your depression and you would meet other guys and get out the house.

Best of luck