Funny quotes

Jay D

A solar eclipse is like a woman breast feeding in a restaurant. It's free, it's beautiful, but under no circumstances should you look at it. --Kent Brockman

minister poxbottle

I spent a lot of my money on booze,birds and fast cars. the rest i just squandered----george best.

Corkladddd!!

A speech should be like a young ladys dress, long enough to cover the important parts but short enough to keep things interesting - My college Lecturer

They say money can't buy happiness, just once I'd like the chance to find out for myself - Spike Milligan

Comer1

I'm sick to death of people saying we've made 11 albums that sounds exactly the same, Infact, we've made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.

Angus Young (AC/DC)

minister poxbottle

I coulden't settle in italy-it was like living in a foreign country.--ian rush


if you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day. --neville southallm,

Mossin

These are from Murray Walker, the legendary F1 Commentator, absolutely priceless stuff:

"Now we go into lap 53, the penultimate last lap but one."
"Excuse me while I interrupt myself..."
"With half the race gone, there's half the race still to go."
"If the gloves weren't off before — and they were — they sure are now!"
..."That's a good pitstop. Just under 10 seconds. Call it 9.7 in round figures."
"Now he must not go the wrong way round the circuit and unless he can spin himself stationary through 360 degrees I fail to see how he can avoid doing so."
"Now Laffite is as close to Surer as Surer is to Laffite."
"There's a difference of only one second between these two cars ...one... that's how long a second is"
"I should imagine that the conditions in those cars are totally unimaginable."
" 'If' is a very long word in Formula One; in fact, 'if' is F1 spelled backwards."
" Watch the lights appear to countdown the start! —One light! —Two lights! —Three lights! —Four lights! —Five laps!"

Improbable

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

DJCR

Murray Walker:

"It has started to rain and you know what that means..... the track is wet"

Ricardo G

Ron Burgundy

"I'm gonna punch you in the Ovary,
thats what i'm gonna do.
A straight shot.
Right to the babymaker"

Classy or what !!:D

patmac

John Bishop (Liverpool comedian) after putting petrol in his diesel car
'It's like putting gin into a woman all night, sooner or later it's going to break down'

Mossin

VARIOUS SPORTS COMMENTATOR SLIP-UPS
1. "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

2. "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)

3. "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." (New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)

4. "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)

5. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)

6. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg Norman)

7. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)

8. "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)

9. "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

10. "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" (Metro Radio)

11. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)

12. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay infootball?" (Stuart Hall Radio 5 live)

13. "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

14. "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them....Oh My God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)

15. "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown." (Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)

minister poxbottle

Homer simpson.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what serarates us from the animals----except the weasels.

Well it's 1am better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

I'm in no condition to drive----wait! I shouldn't listen to myself i'm drunk.

stinky eggs

What was the one Eamon Dunphy had on John Hartsons arse?

DJCR

"If we can hit that bull's-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards...Checkmate."

Zapp Brannigan

ambro25

A select few (there's many more, but these are some of my faves) from Coluche, a French comedian, and one man (one of the extremely, extremely few) I would have loved to meet at least once in my life. RIP.

Remember the essential: capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Syndicalism is the opposite.

God shared (equally): He gave food to the rich and hunger to the poor.

Is there Life after Death? Only Jesus could answer that question. Unfortunately he's dead.

Some men love their wife so much, that to avoid wearing theirs off, they use those of others.

If stupidity was taxed, the State would be self-financing.

Whenever you're feeling down and depressed, remember: one day, you were the fastest spermatozoid of them all

Some people have kids, because they can't afford a dog.

God, it's like sugar in hot milk. He's everywhere and you can't see it...and the more you look for it, the less you find it.

People say the crisis makes the rich richer and the poor, poorer. I can't see how that's a crisis. It's been like that since I was born.

On the day sh*t will be worth it's weight in gold, poor people will be born without an a55.

Improbable wrote: »

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

And a last one for Improbable, still from the same source:

Bigamy, that's when you have two wives; and monotony, that's when you have only one!

minister poxbottle

I'm not a paranoid derranged millionaire. Goddamit i'm a billionaire.

Howard hughes.

pappyodaniel

Drinking non-alcholic beer is like going down on your sister...
Sure it tastes the same, but its just not f*ckin right!!!

Jay D

Was at the Carlsberg Comedy on Saturday.

Natasha Leggero

"Why is it always the least attractive girls in a group who are the most worried about being raped".

Ironic truth