opinions?

LegacyUser

Once upon a time we ran in the yellow fields and took photos between the flowers
Now I wait at rainy train stations and watch the light
on the old white wooden angles

One by one the people came
And then at last so did the train

I get on and sit down



well, is it dreadful? i usually only rhyme but wrote this when i felt awful one day quite some time ago.... are the lines too all over the place to make sense??

thanks!

pickarooney

I'm not really one for critiquing poetry, but I think it's sweet. Maybe break the first line into two and change the tense of the 4th and 5th lines to match the present of the second and fifth?

dawvee

I like it. I thought it was good, and definitely has potential, but it doesn't seem finished. I kept waiting for some connection between the first line and the rest of the poem, but it never came. Just getting on the train doesn't really imply anything when we know nothing other than the fact that you were waiting for a train.

There are also a few lines and words that could be pruned.

Once upon a time we ran in the yellow fields and took photos between the flowers

"Once upon a time" adds nothing. It's just a cliche. Also, try just "yellow fields" instead of "the yellow fields". It creates a better parallel with "rainy train stations" in the next line. Also, "taking" might work better than "and took", as it ties the remembered moment together more cohesively than a conjunction. Try it out, anyway.

Now I wait at rainy train stations and watch the light

"Now I wait" slows down the rhythm too much, IMO. You can let the tense do the work of specifying then/now without the explicit references to time, and if you're at a train station we can probably assume you're waiting. In which case, you would move the pronoun back to the verb "watch", since that's the significant action in these lines.

on the old white wooden angles

You also don't need the article "the" in this line - it scans better without it.

One by one the people came
And then at last so did the train

I like these lines, so no suggestions here. Moving on...

I get on and sit down

That's it? I think what bothers me is how prosaic this line is compared to the rest. It feels like an interruption, but not *enough* of an interruption to show specific intent. What if you shortened the phrases, like: "I get on. I sit."? That way it's definite - the previous thoughts while waiting are cut off by the train coming.

Black Heart

I agree with the others. It's a nice piece, but when I read it, I get the feeling you're building up to something that you don't explain.

MYNAMEISASS

DON'T GEH IT