Romantic Love Is an Addiction,

Nevyn

http://www.livescience.com/culture/romantic-rejection-brain-100706.html

By Rachael Rettner, LiveScience Staff Writer

Those who pine over a lost love might have a biological reason for their prolonged yearning. New brain research suggests getting over romantic rejection might be akin to kicking an addiction.

The study is one of the first to examine the brains of the recently broken-hearted who have trouble letting go of their relationship.

The researchers found that, for heartbroken men and women, looking at photographs of former partners activated regions in the brain associated with rewards, addiction cravings, control of emotions, feelings of attachment and physical pain and distress.

The results provide insight into why it might be hard for some people to get over a break up, and why, in some cases, people are driven to commit extreme behaviors, such as stalking and homicide, after losing love.

"Romantic love is an addiction," said study author Helen E. Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University who studies love. "It’s a very powerfully wonderful addiction when things are going well and a perfectly horrible addiction when things are going poorly," she said.

The researchers speculate the brain's response to romantic rejection may have an evolutionary basis.

"I think the brain circuitry for romantic love evolved millions of years ago, to enable our ancestors to focus their mating energy on just one person at a time and start that mating process," Fisher said. "And when you've been rejected in love, you have lost life's greatest prize, which is a mating partner."

"This brain system becomes activated probably to help you try to win this person back so you focus on them and crave them and try to get them back," she said.

Brains of the heart-broken

Fisher and her colleagues scanned the brains of 15 college-aged volunteers (10 women and 5 men) who had all recently experienced a break up, but were still in love with the person who had rejected them. The average length of the relationship was about 2 years, and about 2 months had passed, on average, since the relationship ended.

All participants scored high on the Passionate Love Scale, a questionnaire psychologists use to measure the intensity of romantic feelings. Participants also said they spent more than 85 percent of their waking hours thinking about their rejecter.

In the experiment, the subjects viewed a photograph of their former partner and were asked to think about events that occurred with him or her. The subjects also looked at a neutral image of a familiar person, such as a classmate or friend of a friend. To try and suppress the romantic feelings conjured up from the first half of the experiment, the researchers had participants compete a math exercise in between viewing the rejecter photograph and the neutral photograph.

Among the findings

* Viewing their former loved one stimulated a region of the brain called the ventral tegmental area, involved in motivation and reward. Previous work has found this region is also active in people who are madly in love. This makes sense, because "Whether you're happily in love or whether you're unhappily in love, you're still in love," Fisher said.

* Brain regions known as the nucleus accumbens and orbitofrontal/prefrontal cortex were also activated. These regions are known to be associated with intense cocaine addiction and cigarette addiction.

* There was also increased activity in the brain's insular cortex and the anterior cingulated, regions associated with physical pain and distress.

Some good news

The researchers did find some good news for romantically rejected: time seems to heal. The more time that had passed since the breakup, the less activity there was in a brain region associated with attachment.

Brain areas involved in emotion regulation, decision making and evaluation were also active when participants viewed their rejecter. This suggests participants were learning from their past romantic experience, evaluating their gains and losses and figuring out how to deal with the situation, Fisher said.

These findings suggest that talking about their experience, rather than simply moping in grief, may have therapeutic benefits for the lovelorn.

"It seems to be healthy for the brain, to instead of just wallowing in despair, to think about the situation more actively and try to work out how you're going to handle it." Fisher said.

The results were published in the July issue of the Journal of Neurophysiology.

So really being dumped is a head fúck it seems.

Smallbit

I'd agree with all that... I wonder is there a market for love-rehab...?

Nevyn

Or at least a support group to stop people doing daft things.

mojesius

Thaedydal wrote: »

Or at least a support group to stop people doing daft things.

In the meantime, thankfully, there is the 'delete' button on mobile phones.

Nevyn

I think the obession phase is all the harder with socail networks and online presences.

mojesius

Thaedydal wrote: »

I think the obession phase is all the harder with socail networks and online presences.

Defo. That reminds me, my ex (we broke up 3 yrs ago on good terms, just FBook friends now) recently broke up with his new gf who then emailed me on facebook (never met her before) telling me what a p8ick he was to her and then told me that 'If you still have him on a pedestal, please put him down, I think he was cheating on you when you were living together'.:eek: This went on for about 2,000 words. Deleted and reported.

No matter what depths of the obsession phase I was in, I would never, ever do that.

beks101

No sh1t Sherlock!!!!!

'You have lost life's greatest prize' though...Rachael obviously never met these guys

jellie

Thaedydal wrote: »

I think the obession phase is all the harder with socail networks and online presences.

& then you think youve removed someone and 2 years later some social network recommends him as a friend to you :rolleyes:

Wibbs

Thaedydal wrote: »

So really being dumped is a head fúck it seems.

I read another similar study that said the same thing. What was worse though is a small proportion of people, 1 in 10 IIRC never fully switch off that link to one person, sometimes two people. They may fall in love again, but its of far less intensity. Or they may never fall in love at all again. Which is really sad. I had a great uncle like that. Lost his wife in childbirth(common back in the day) and never really tried again. He tried to date other women, but nothing ever took. To the day he died it was the wife who lit up his world. It can go well though, when two like that end up together. They're probably the "great loves" we hear of through history. Like richard burton and liz taylor. on his deathbed he was thinking of her, though married to someone else. She has admitted she never fell out of love with him too. I know of a woman whose first love had to leave the country and by and by she got hitched and he got hitched to different people. Raised families and all that. She ended up widowed at 60. One day she went looking for him online with the help of her daughter. Turned out he was widowed now too. They met and married and lived their lives together. Died within a week of each other. I actually know another similar couple. I'm a sucker for that shíte must be some romance left in me.

Thaedydal wrote: »

I think the obession phase is all the harder with socail networks and online presences.

In a bloody huge way. Thank god none of my serious breakups happened across the wires.

Thaedydal wrote: »

Or at least a support group to stop people doing daft things.

In a big way.I mean we have them for bereavement etc, yet heartbreak could be very easily compared. Worse in a way because the person is still alive out there only without you. I've had bereavements close to me and god it hurt, but I have to say the biggest hurt Ive felt was heartbreak. It lasted and was raw for longer.

Faith

Social networking is awful when it comes to break ups. One of the hardest things I had to do was change my status to "single", and see my ex do the same thing. Eventually we both (without discussing with each other) completely removed the relationship info boxes from our profiles.

I've discussed this with people before, and I'm not surprised at the findings. Trying not to call or text your ex after a break up is akin to trying not to light up a cigarette when you've smoked for years. It's incredibly difficult.

Faith

Faith wrote: »

I've discussed this with people before, and I'm not surprised at the findings. Trying not to call or text your ex after a break up is akin to trying not to light up a cigarette when you've smoked for years. It's incredibly difficult.

I am sort of managing to get around it by writing "letters" to him in a notebook, ones I never intend to send. It helps a bit. Wonder if it's like a smoking patch
Although in my case I think/hope it's going to be temporary... that makes it easier...

Faith

bluewolf wrote: »

I am sort of managing to get around it by writing "letters" to him in a notebook, ones I never intend to send. It helps a bit. Wonder if it's like a smoking patch
Although in my case I think/hope it's going to be temporary... that makes it easier...

Really sorry to hear you're going through that .

I wrote my ex dozens of letters and emails that I never sent. I also had lists, like why we weren't compatible and why I was better off without him. Recently I actually wrote him a letter and sent it, which gave me nice closure. It's great to get your thoughts down on a page, because then you can read back and process them in your own time.

seenitall

Wibbs wrote: »

I read another similar study that said the same thing. What was worse though is a small proportion of people, 1 in 10 IIRC never fully switch off that link to one person, sometimes two people. They may fall in love again, but its of far less intensity. Or they may never fall in love at all again. Which is really sad. I had a great uncle like that. Lost his wife in childbirth(common back in the day) and never really tried again. He tried to date other women, but nothing ever took. To the day he died it was the wife who lit up his world. It can go well though, when two like that end up together. They're probably the "great loves" we hear of through history. Like richard burton and liz taylor. on his deathbed he was thinking of her, though married to someone else. She has admitted she never fell out of love with him too. I know of a woman whose first love had to leave the country and by and by she got hitched and he got hitched to different people. Raised families and all that. She ended up widowed at 60. One day she went looking for him online with the help of her daughter. Turned out he was widowed now too. They met and married and lived their lives together. Died within a week of each other. I actually know another similar couple. I'm a sucker for that shíte must be some romance left in me.

:eek: Eye-popping stuff from you of all people, Wibbs. You must be some kind of a walking contradiction.

Nevyn

You have no idea....

This study then makes sense of what drives a person to what is considered a crime of passion, and alas stalkers.

Lia_lia

Yeah, I agree with all of that.

Wibbs wrote: »

1 in 10 IIRC never fully switch off that link to one person, sometimes two people. They may fall in love again, but its of far less intensity. Or they may never fall in love at all again.

That's what happened with my Mum. Herself and my Dad broke up like 15 years ago, but she's only had 2 (brief) partners since. And her friends have said she's admitted she never got over my Dad.

Jessica-Rabbit

Wibbs wrote: »

I read another similar study that said the same thing. What was worse though is a small proportion of people, 1 in 10 IIRC never fully switch off that link to one person, sometimes two people. They may fall in love again, but its of far less intensity. Or they may never fall in love at all again. Which is really sad. I had a great uncle like that. Lost his wife in childbirth(common back in the day) and never really tried again. He tried to date other women, but nothing ever took. To the day he died it was the wife who lit up his world. It can go well though, when two like that end up together. They're probably the "great loves" we hear of through history. Like richard burton and liz taylor. on his deathbed he was thinking of her, though married to someone else. She has admitted she never fell out of love with him too. I know of a woman whose first love had to leave the country and by and by she got hitched and he got hitched to different people. Raised families and all that. She ended up widowed at 60. One day she went looking for him online with the help of her daughter. Turned out he was widowed now too. They met and married and lived their lives together. Died within a week of each other. I actually know another similar couple. I'm a sucker for that shíte must be some romance left in me.

In a bloody huge way. Thank god none of my serious breakups happened across the wires.

In a big way.I mean we have them for bereavement etc, yet heartbreak could be very easily compared. Worse in a way because the person is still alive out there only without you. I've had bereavements close to me and god it hurt, but I have to say the biggest hurt Ive felt was heartbreak. It lasted and was raw for longer.

Its so interesting that you said that. I think there is such a thing as soul mates. My mom and dad were soul mates. It was obvious from the start they were meant to be together.. my mom died 3 years ago and to this day my dad still isnt over her nor will he ever get over her.. they were so lucky to have what they had.. it was an unexplainable bond thats very rare but very powerfull when you have it

Wibbs

I would agree it is rare alright and amazing if it happens to you.

IMHO and in fairness my reductive slightly cynical opinion :) I think it's not unlike imprinting in baby animals. Like when birds hatch from the egg the first object they see they imprint on and call it mummy. I think people do similar with love, especially first love. Obviously there's more to it and its more emotionally complex, but vaguely similar. You fall for someone and imprint on them. They're the template for happy wonderful feelings in you. But its mostly random. In the sense that you were open to it and they moved into your life at the right time. It could have been any number of other people, it just happened to be them. If they leave many if not most people can shake off the imprint and imprint on someone new. A small number of people can't. They forever retain that template and no one else quite fits.

Thinking back in my own life the couple of big loves I had were very similar women. There was a biiiig gap between the two, but the second fitted the template, even a little more than the original. Was an unusual enough template too. If a slightly destructive one looking back. I could have picked a better one, or by chance found a better one in the first place. Pity I dodnt TBH. Hard to say. Then again like I said I'm a tad reductive and analytical in my outlook.

"Logical" though I may be, the emotional power of those feelings was very strong. Very powerful. Even if some chappess with more degrees than a thermometer in a white coat could show me the precise neurological and chemical reasons for those feelings I still knew and know it was love with a capital L. Like if I stand barefoot on an upturned electrical plug, you can tell me the pain is a nerve signal to warn me of damage and danger, but damn it still reallly bloody hurts!!

neveah

Totally agree about the social networking thing! It's a disaster trying to get over an ex when you're still friends on facebook and you maintain that window on his life. I am on good terms with my ex so I haven't deleted him as a friend but it definitely prolongs the agony when you see his new gf posting messages to him etc.

Plus I have to admit the whole relationship status is just stupid I think. I have it blank now and I think I will always leave it that way even if I get into another serious relationship, having to change it can be painful, I was devastated when I saw my ex change his back to single. All your friends will know if you are in a relationship anyway and so will you and your partner, announcing it in cyber space doesn't really give it any extra validation!

I like the idea of having a soulmate but since my break up I have lost a little of that romantic notion, even though it may exist I don't think I will find my 'soulmate', that's a sad thought isn't it. I may love again but I'm just very wary of that whole experience now and I am a lot more cynical about guys.

midlandsmissus

neveah wrote: »

Totally agree about the social networking thing! It's a disaster trying to get over an ex when you're still friends on facebook and you maintain that window on his life. I am on good terms with my ex so I haven't deleted him as a friend but it definitely prolongs the agony when you see his new gf posting messages to him etc.

Plus I have to admit the whole relationship status is just stupid I think. I have it blank now and I think I will always leave it that way even if I get into another serious relationship, having to change it can be painful, I was devastated when I saw my ex change his back to single. All your friends will know if you are in a relationship anyway and so will you and your partner, announcing it in cyber space doesn't really give it any extra validation!

I like the idea of having a soulmate but since my break up I have lost a little of that romantic notion, even though it may exist I don't think I will find my 'soulmate', that's a sad thought isn't it. I may love again but I'm just very wary of that whole experience now and I am a lot more cynical about guys.

I'd highly recommend you delete it. With my last big love, I looked at his bebo (back in the day!) nearly every day after we broke up, just couldn't help myself. He didn't have a new girlfriend but the littlest things used to upset me - just to see him going on in his life without me. Took me the guts of a year to get over him.

With the next big love in my life, I erased him off facebook when we broke up. It's just too hard to constantly see what they're up to, and very unhealthy when you're trying to get over them, I think.

I got over this guy much quicker and i loved him just as much, out of sight, out of mind helps you to heal.

Bella_purple

Wow, nice post, Wibbs! Maybe you're ambidextral so you use both hemispheres of the brain equally: logical and emotional, to put it simple. Why do we have to think in terms of cleavage and not try complementarity? Just a thought .

About this love thing, I also admit it's rare. But if there's love, so much love, why do we count in the separation problem? So when there's so deep love, I don't think there's any separation.

It's an addiction to the extent where you don't have to lose your dignity. I mean again: why do I have to exclude my individuality and fall under the auspicies of extreme addiction? Love has to be healthy and a do-good-er. Some confuse love with toxic addiction, sick relationship etc.
And about losing individuality, I want to be more specific: individuality doesn't mean I won't try my best to diminish my selfish human nature... I just don't think addiction has to do with love. And also, if you love somebody, you don't force that person, you don't cling, you just give freedom. So from a freedom perspective, to bond with someone doesn't mean to be addictive to that person, like A.A. or something...

metrovelvet

Bella_purple wrote: »

Wow, nice post, Wibbs! Maybe you're ambidextral so you use both hemispheres of the brain equally: logical and emotional, to put it simple. Why do we have to think in terms of cleavage and not try complementarity? Just a thought .

About this love thing, I also admit it's rare. But if there's love, so much love, why do we count in the separation problem? So when there's so deep love, I don't think there's any separation.

It's an addiction to the extent where you don't have to lose your dignity. I mean again: why do I have to exclude my individuality and fall under the auspicies of extreme addiction? Love has to be healthy and a do-good-er. Some confuse love with toxic addiction, sick relationship etc.
And about losing individuality, I want to be more specific: individuality doesn't mean I won't try my best to diminish my selfish human nature... I just don't think addiction has to do with love. And also, if you love somebody, you don't force that person, you don't cling, you just give freedom. So from a freedom perspective, to bond with someone doesn't mean to be addictive to that person, like A.A. or something...

I agree with this. There are alot of people going around calling things love which aren't really love at all.

I also think, having learned this the hard way, that once you start treading on another's sense of personal freedom, that you can be disrespecting their personhood, and you can do it even because you love them, but it wont feel like that to them and then things aren't so good.